The 3 reasons why I have chosen to forgive my Ex for leaving me for his estranged wife.

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I never thought that I could feel such emotional pain until I found out that my ex had left me for his estranged wife. You see, he and I were in the process of working things out after being on a break and although I was uncertain of many things, I was certain that I loved him and had never loved anyone the way that I loved him.

I found out the news before I moved to Los Angeles. And, after I received it, I sent him a message that he is a bad person and that I never believed in evil until I met him. These words, I truly believed. I was filled up with victimization, upset, betrayal, negativity and mistrust. I couldn’t take it anymore. Hate is truly a burden to bear.


I began my first month in Los Angeles happy to be away from him and his ‘toxic energy’. In my eyes, he was toxic because I gave him so much for many years and I never seemed to be enough for him.

Two weeks after I had moved to LA, I  took a SoulCycle class in Santa Monica and the instructor played James MacArthur’s song, Impossible. I felt tears rolling down my face. The tears came as I realized that what everyone had told me would happen, had happened. I felt like my heart was defeated. I had previously been so full of genuine love and didn’t feel it reciprocated. I wanted to run and hide from myself and the world. I asked myself how I could’ve been so dumb to trust him and the idea of us when all of the odds were against us.


The odds being that we would make through his going through a divorce when we began dating and be together forever without remembering who and where he had come from.


It has taken me a few months; however, today I am grateful to be full of forgiveness towards him. This is why I have chosen to forgive him:


1. Sometimes we love and we get hurt.

We have this idea that just because we love something, we have to get the love back exactly how and when we want it to. But, that is not the case. I call this, Tit-for-Tat Love. With this kind of love, we try to manipulate people to behave the way that we want them to and, if they don’t, we leave them or are angry at them. I accepted (and am still accepting) that the love I gave him was not measured, might not come back to me from and that is okay. Unconditional love is being open to the idea that no matter what is thrown our way, we choose love because hate is heavy. I forgive him because the love that I choose to give out is not only for him.


2. Growth happens when we fall, get up, learn and move forward.

When I found out that he had gotten back together with his ex, I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. When we had started dating, I lost many friends who refused to watch me date this older and married man and after everything, I felt like they were right. If they knew, why did I refuse to see the truth? The answer is that sometimes we have to fall to learn because once we fall, we can pick ourselves up, learn and move forward. I forgive him because I learnt that I am stronger than I thought. If I could get through this feeling of emptiness and loneliness, I proved to myself that I could get through a lot.


3. For love, I would do it all again.

After I published the last article, a friend asked me if I would live this experience again. I said yes! I would do it over again because we shared a lot of love and memories together. All of which, I don’t regret. From the moment that I saw him see me the first time we met, the moment that he saw through my ‘pretend like I don’t know you’ attitude, and the moments that we laughed together. It was all worth it. I forgive him because he had a purpose in my life and I am grateful.

Izinto ezinhlanu engifisa sengathi ngabe ngazi ngaphambi kokuba ngitshele indoda eyahlukana

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Eminyakeni engaba ngu-7 eyedlule, ngithandana nendoda, iminyaka engu-13 engineminyaka eyishumi nambili ubudala, owayehamba ngesehlukaniso. Namuhla, ngemva kokumthukuthelela kanye nesimo emva kokuqeda izinto, ekugcineni nginamahhala futhi nginokuthethelelwa.



Ngangineminyaka engu-21 lapho sihlangana kuqala ngakho ngangingazi ukuthi ngizongena kanjani. Angikholelwa ekuzisola. Kodwa-ke, uma ngikwazi ukukwenza futhi, yilokho engifisa sengathi ngazi ngaphambili:




1. Uyakhathalela!

Esinye sezizathu ezenza ngichithe isikhathi esiningi ngithukuthele, ngemuva kokuthi siphule, ngoba ngifisa sengathi wangishiya ngedwa lapho ngimphika ekuqaleni. Intuition yami yazi kusukela ekuqaleni ukuthi yayiyizindaba ezimbi. Ngakho-ke, angiqiniseki ukuthi kungani nginikela. Nginombono wokuthi kwakungenxa yokuthi lapho ngisemncane, ukuzethemba kwami  kwakungeyona into engcono kakhulu futhi nakuba ngiyazi ukuthi ngifaneleka kangcono, angizange ngifanele. Angizange ngikhulume ukuthi amazwi ami asemqoka, umzimba wami udaba, ingqondo yami iyindaba ... ekugcineni, nginendaba. Uma wazi ukuthi unendaba kule Leli, ikuvumela ukuba ugcine ibanga kubantu kanye nezinto ezenza uzizwe ungakhathazeki.




2. Qaphela ukuthi uvumela bani empilweni yakho.

Ngesikhathi ngisemncane, ngangingeke ngikhethe abantu engibavumelayo ekuphileni kwami  njengami manje. Mina nomngane wami sasihlabelela ngalunye usuku futhi wathi nginjengomgodla-uSargent ngemizwelo yami. Yikuphi, ngiphendule, ngithi, 'Uma ngingekho, ubani ozoba khona?' Kulula ukusho ukuthi, 'Themba wonke umuntu' futhi 'Vula wena wonke umuntu'; Kodwa-ke, uma othile ekubonisa ukuthi ngeke bakuhloniphe noma imingcele yakho uma bekhona empilweni yakho, kulungile ukuvuma ukuthi akufanelekile ukuba khona empilweni yakho ukuqala.


3. Kuhle ukuthi cha.

Ngangivame ukuzizwa kabi ngoba ngithi cha. Ngakho-ke, ngingavumela noma ubani empilweni yami futhi uma behamba, ngangibuza ukuthi ngabavumela kanjani. Impendulo ukuthi angizange ngibeke imingcele ecacile lapho ngingafanelekile ukwenza okuthile. Njengowesifazane ohlala eMelika, kunzima ukuthi cha. Ngoba uma usho ukuthi cha kumuntu onentshisekelo mayelana nenhlonipho eyinhloko, uyazi ukuthi kuyoba khona omunye owesifazane ngemuva kwakho (emgqeni) elinde ukuthi yebo futhi avumelane nalokho ongakufuni. Ngiye ngafunda ukuthi ngiyajabula ngokuthi cha cha kubantu kanye nezinto ezingahambi kahle kimi uma zihamba kumunye umuntu noma cha. Okungenani ubuqotho bami nokuziqhenya kuyohlala buqinile.



4. Akudingeki ube mncane ukuba ube nobuhlobo.

Lesi sifundo esiqhubeka siveza ebuhlotsheni bami, nginomkhuba wokwenza ngincane ukuze indoda enginayo ingazizwa ilungele. Inombolo 1 isizathu sokuthi angingashadile okwamanje ngukuthi angikaze ngibone indoda engingakaze ngiyidumise phansi noma ngiyenze ngokwanele. Ukuphila kwami  konke omdala-ukuphola kuye kwangenza ngifanele ukulingana komuntu enganginakho, yingakho ngivame ukwenza kangcono uma ngedwa. Ubuhlobo buhlanganisa abalingani ababili abafuna ukuphumelelana ukuze kube nenjongo ephakeme ebuhlotsheni. Uma umuntu oyedwa enomuzwa wokuthi omncane, kuveza ukungavikeleki, umhawu nomdlalo-konke okungeyona isisekelo sobuhlobo obuhle.




5. Ukuzinza akufanele kukukhokhele inhliziyo yakho.

Esinye seziqhwa zokuba nalesi ndoda kwakungokuthi wangithatha ngokwezimali. Ngangizizwa ngizinzile. Kodwa, ngokushesha ngafunda ukuthi imali yakhe ayikwazanga ukulungisa noma ukulungisa okudingekayo ukulungiswa noma okwakungekho. Wayengeke aphele isikhathi ngezikhathi futhi aphinde avele nento njengokuxolisa. Yikuphi, ngawela ekuqaleni ngoba (kumabhayisikobho) wonke owesifazane ufuna into enhle ukugqoka noma ukuthatha indawo ethile idumile. Iqiniso liwukuthi izinto ziphela, imizwelo iyasebenza futhi inhlonipho igolide. Ayikho imali emhlabeni ongakuthola phansi uma uthola ukuthi isoka lakho libuyele kanye nomkakhe. Asikho isipho emhlabeni ongashintsha ukuzihlonipha. Futhi, ayikho isidlo sokudla okunamnandi noma iwayini elingakusiza ukuba ulale kangcono ebusuku uma intuition yakho ikutshela ukuthi kukhona okuthile okungaziwa ngakho. Akuyona into engokwemvelo ukufaka indawo yezinto ezibonakalayo zothando nokuhlonipha indawo yenyama. Yenza imali yakho, zikhiphe futhi uziphathe ngothando nangenhlonipho. Uma usuqala ukwenza lokho, kanjalo nabanye bayokuzungezile ngoba ubakhombise ukuthi ungakwazi ukuzinakekela kakade nokuthi konke okudingayo kukhona, uthando nokuhlonipha.

 

5 things I wish I’d known before I dated a man going through a divorce

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Almost 7 years ago, I fell in love with a man, 13 years my senior, who was going through a divorce. Today, after being angry at him and the situation after we ended things, I am finally free of attachment and full of forgiveness.


I was 21 when we first met so I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I don’t believe in regrets. However, if I could do it again, this is what I wish I had known beforehand:


1. You matter!

One of the reasons why I spent so much time angry at him, after we broke up, is because I wish he had left me alone when I initially denied him in the beginning. My intuition knew from the very beginning that he was bad news. So, I’m not sure why I gave in. I have a theory that it was because when I was younger, my self-esteem wasn’t the best and although I knew that I deserved better, I didn’t my worth. I didn’t that my words matter, my body matters, my mind matters... ultimately, I matter. When you know that you matter in This World, it allows you to keep a distance from people and things that make you feel like you don’t matter.


2. Be careful who you let into your life.

When I was younger, I was not as selective with people that I allow into my life as I am now. My friend and I were joking around the other day and she said that I am like a drill-Sargent with my emotions. Which, I replied to, ‘If I am not, who will be?’It’s easy to say, ‘Trust everyone’ and ‘Open yourself up to everyone’; however, if someone shows you that they will not respect you or your boundaries once they are in your life, it’s okay to accept that they don’t deserve to be in your life to begin with.


3.  It’s okay to say no.

I used to feel so badly for saying no. So, I would let anyone into my life and once they were gone, I would question how I allowed them in. The answer is that I hadn’t set clear boundaries of when I was not okay with doing something. As a woman living in America, it’s tough to say no. Because when you say no to an interested man about fundamental respect, you know that there will  another woman behind you (in line) waiting to say yes and agree to whatever you won’t. I have learnt that I am happy to say no to people and things that are unhealthy for me whether they move onto someone else or don’t. At least my integrity and self-worth will stay intact.


4. You don’t have to be small to be in a relationship.

This is a lesson that keeps showing up in my relationships, I have a habit of making myself small so that the man that I am with can feel worthy. The number 1 reason that I am single right now is because I have yet to meet a man that I have not had to dumb myself down for or make myself small for. My entire adult-dating life has been making myself fit the smallness of the person who I was with, that’s why I usually do better when I am alone. Companionship consists of two equals who want each other to succeed so that there is a higher purpose for a relationship. When one person feels small, it is breeding ground for insecurity, jealousy and drama- all of which are not the foundation of a healthy relationship.


5. Stability should not cost you your heart.

One of the lures of being with this man was that he financially took care of me. I felt stable. But, I quickly learnt that his money couldn’t mend or replace what needed fixing or what wasn’t there. He would disappear from time-to-time and reappear with something as an apology. Which, I fell for in the beginning because (in the movies) every woman wants something nice to wear or to be taken somewhere fancy. The truth is that materials fade, emotions are valid and respect is golden. No amount of money in the world can pick you up off the floor when you find out that your boyfriend has gotten back together with his wife. No gift in the world can replace self-respect. And, no fancy dinner or wine can help you sleep better at night when your intuition is telling you that there is something going on that you don’t know about. It is unnatural to replace the physical world for the fundamentals of love and respect. Make your own money, take yourself out and treat yourself with love and respect. Once you start to do that, so will others around you because you have shown them that you can take care of yourself already and that all you need is presence, love and respect.

What I wish I’d known after I ended my first long-term relationship

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At this moment, I'm comfortable enough to be single and appreciate time by myself. I've had a few long-term relationships that left me feeling disappointed and underappreciated, which ultimately ended with my wanting to be by myself. Through those experiences, I learnt to love myself by looking at who I truly am with all my imperfections. It didn't come easily, but it came, and I for that I'm grateful.

The lessons I've learnt from my love life thus far will pave way for the magnificent love that's on the way. Love that's based on respect, that isn't ego-driven, that allows me to be exactly who I am.

Here are five things that I wish someone had told me when I ended my first long-term relationship:

 

1. You don't need anyone to love you for you to love yourself.

Loving yourself comes from you, not from someone else. The people you attract when you don't love yourself most likely won't love the real you — because you don't love the real you. When you don't love yourself, you hide what’s on the inside. Relationships formed while you're hiding your true self will be based on a lie. Real love is based on the truth.

 

2. People love you because they want to love you.

You can't force someone to love you the way you wish to be loved. You're worth love that comes naturally, not love that's tarnished by force. People are allowed to choose how and if they'll love you, and it has nothing to do with you. When you force someone to love you, you're subconsciously telling yourself that you don't deserve to be loved. One day someone will come along who won't have to be reminded to call you back, who will want to buy you flowers, and who will always find a way for you to be in his or her life.

 

3. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want from a relationship.

If your partner doesn't want the same from it as you, you can and will find someone who does. Getting what you want from a relationship isn't asking for a lot. Asking someone to take the time to respond to you, to be there for you or to be loved by someone isn't asking for too much. All of us deserve to be treated with respect.

 

4. If something feels like a drag, it's probably bringing you down.

Happiness lifts you up, it doesn't bring you down. If you feel constantly down in your relationship, it's not a good sign. There will be difficult times, but there ought to be good times too. If you feel alone in a relationship, you probably are alone. The label of a boyfriend, fiancée or husband doesn't mean that you're being treated with the love and respect that you deserve. When people are in a healthy relationship, they are joyful. Not all the time but most of the time. 

 

5. You're human, not a hero!

You don't have to save someone from their past heartaches. Your partner's pain isn't because of you. We all get hurt, and it's a part of the journey of life. Someone who takes out his or her past on you is clearly holding on to baggage. This type of person may not be capable of sincerely loving. It has nothing to do with you; it's merely because they don't want to let go of his past. The person who's ready to love you has used his or her baggage from past relationships and transformed it into wisdom. This person wants to love you.

Why do I want to forgive him- part 2

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 Why do I want to forgive him?  Because thankfully, I have learnt that I cannot expect from him. I cannot expect from anyone, actually. Expectations denounce faith. And, I have faith that everything is meant to be.

Why do I want to forgive him?
Because I am in a better place. I am at peace with the outcome and wish him nothing but happiness. 

Why do I want to forgive him?
Because any negative efforts towards him comes from me. I want my body, my temple, to be a breeding ground for joy and peace. I am done being angry. Being angry is a full-time job; being at peace creates space for me to live duty-free.

Why do I want to forgive him?
Because repetition is tedious. I cannot re-learn what I have learnt from this and am grateful that I did learn.

Why do I want to forgive him?
Because this time when he shows me who he is, I smile- not cry. I smile not because I know that I am better than he, I smile, not because I call him names, but because I understand that his actions are mostly because of him.


Izinto ezingu-3 ngazifunda cishe ekushadweni

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Angikaze ngibe intombazane eyayifuna ukushada. Angizange ngikhulise umshado, umshado noma ingubo. Ngivela emndenini wabesifazane abanamandla abangashadile, ngokwabo-njengomkhiqizo woMkhulu wami njengomuntu wesifazane nowesifazane onamandla kakhulu.


Ukwengeza lokho, ngingumntwana wokuhlukanisa. Ngakho, umshado awuzange kubonakale njengomphumela wokuphela ngoba ngabona abantu, ikakhulukazi abesifazane, abajabula kakhulu ngaphandle komshado kunalokho. Ngakhula ngikholelwa ukuthi amadoda angaphumelela kakhulu emshadweni kunabesifazane. Futhi, njengoba ngingumhlubuki engiyikho, angikaze ngifune ukungena into ngenxa yomhlomulo wesilisa.


Ngakho-ke cishe eminyakeni eyishumi eyedlule, lapho ngineminyaka engu-20 ubudala futhi ngimemezela ukuthi ngishade, wonke umuntu wayesethukile futhi esaba kakhulu. Nginemibuzo eminingi kanye nokukhathazeka, ikakhulukazi abantu bezibuza ukuthi nginengqondo yini. Babengazi ukuthi nakuba indoda engangihlelwa ukuyoshada yayingumuntu engangikuthanda kakhulu, ngangingenalo uthando. Nganginezinye izizathu, okuzohlala ngasese ngenxa yakhe.


Ngokujabulisayo, akukho mthunzi, angizange ngishade. Kodwa ngafunda izinto ezimbalwa futhi lapha kukhona ezintathu zazo:


1. Umshado awufanani nenhlonipho.

Ngokwethembeka, noma ubani angashada. Nakuba kufanele uqhubeke nenqubo yokwahlulela eqinile lapho usuzoshada, isitifiketi somshado asidingi ukuba ube umuntu ongcono. Sivame ukudweba lesi sithombe ukuthi umshado ulingana nezinto eziningi futhi, inhlonipho ingenye yazo. Ngokuqinisekile, umshado isitifiketi esibopha abantu ababili ndawonye ngezifungo. Inhlonipho kufanele isungulwe, ngaphandle kwesitifiketi, ukuqinisekisa ukuthi ihlala.


2. Uma umuzwa ungekho, ungacindezeli.

Ngikholelwa lokhu ngezinto eziningi kodwa ikakhulukazi ngomshado. Ngezinye izikhathi, ngicabanga ukuthi ukuphila kwami  bekuyoba njani uma ngabe ngithuthele eYurophu (nginomyeni wami ngaleso sikhathi) futhi ngibonga ukuthi angizange ngihambe nazo. Ngichitha iningi lentsha yami ngokuphoqa ubudlelwane. Ngibheka ikhono lomlingani wami ngokumelene nobani ngenkathi nginabo. Ngangiphoqa ukuba ngikholelwe umqondo owawungewona wangempela. Kukhona umehluko omkhulu phakathi kokufuna okuthile okusebenzayo futhi ukuphoqa ukuba usebenze. Owokuqala uzokushiya ngokuthula futhi okulandelayo kuzokushiya ukuhlanekezela nokuphenduka ebusuku.



3. Yenzani wena, ngoba akekho omunye.

Lo mbono ubonakala ugovu kodwa ubheke njengalokhu: nguwe kuphela okufanele uphile nemiphumela yezenzo zakho. Udinga ukuqinisekisa ukuthi ujabule ngezinqumo ozenzayo. Ngenhlanhla kimi, akekho okholelwa ukuthi ngizoshada ngakho ngangingamvumeli muntu phansi lapho ngitshela ukuthi kwakungekho okwenzekayo. Ngisho noma uvumela abanye phansi, hamba ukuthi abantu babekwahlulela ngezinqumo zakho. Kungcono impilo yakho emva kwakho konke

3 things that I learnt from almost getting married.

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I’ve never been the girl who wanted to get married. I didn’t grow up idolizing marriage, the wedding or the dress. I come from a family of strong women who don’t get married, by their own accord- as a product of my Grandfather being a feminist and superb human being.


Adding to that, I am a child of divorce. So, marriage never seemed like the end result because I saw people, particularly women, who were happier without marriage than with it. I grew up believing that men would benefit more from marriage than women do. And, being the rebel that I am, I have never wanted to fall into something because of a male’s benefit.

So almost ten years ago, when I was 20-years-old and made the announcement that I was getting married, everyone was in shock and horror. I got a lot of questions and concerns, mostly people wondering if I was mentally okay. They didn’t know that although the man that I was set to marry was someone that I loved dearly, I was not doing it for love. I had other reasons, which will remain private for his sake.

Thankfully, no shade, I didn’t get married. But I learnt a few things and here are three of them:

1. Marriage does not equal respect.

Honestly, anyone can get married. Although you have to go through an intense judicial process when you are about to get married, a marriage certificate does not require you to be a better person. We often paint this image that marriage equals many things and, respect is one of them. Truthfully, marriage is a certificate that binds two people together by vows. Respect has to be established, aside from the certificate, to make sure that it lasts.

2. If the feeling is not there, don’t force it.

I believe this about most things but particularly with marriage. Sometimes, I think about what my life would be like if I had moved to Europe (with my prospective husband at the time) and I am grateful that I didn’t go through with it. I spent a lot of my youth forcing relationships. Looking at my partner’s potential as opposed to who they were while I was with them. I forced myself to believe an idea that wasn’t real.  There is a huge difference between wanting something to work and forcing it to work out. The former will leave you at peace and the latter will leave you twisting and turning at night.


3. Do it for yourself, for no one else.

This idea seems selfish but look at it like this: you are the only one who has to live with the consequences of your actions. You need to make sure that you are happy with the decisions that you are making. Luckily for me, no one believed in my prospective marriage so I wasn’t letting anyone down when I told them that it wasn’t happening anymore. Even if it is letting others down, be okay with having people judge you for your decisions. It’s your life after all.

12 things that can not replace love.

 image by Getty Images

image by Getty Images

I am a firm-believer that love is the most powerful energy in the world. Sometimes, we want that energy so much that we replace it with others things. 

Like Maya Angelou said, ‘My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope’


Here are 12 things that can not replace love:


1. Sex


2. Money


3. Looks


4. Fame


5. Power


6. Manipulation


7. Co-ercement


8. Ego


9. Stability


10. Security


11. Routine


12. Judgement

3 things I learnt from having my fortune told to me.

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Image by Getty Images 

 

I’ve had my cards, palm and energy read a few times and all of them eluded that I would meet my soulmate once I moved to California.


Alas, I move here only to find that two more energy and tarot card readers tell me the same thing that I had heard before. None of them knew each other but all described this man in the same way and said that he would show up at my job. One of them even counted down the exact day that he would come.

And, when he showed up, I didn’t expect it to be so disappointing. In my head, it would be a fantasy. I would run into his arms, tell him that I had waited for him my whole life and that he could rest assure because I was here to take care of him.

It didn’t turn out like that. In fact, it has been the opposite. When I come into contact with him, I avoid him because I expected him to be more than what he is. It’s a never-ending journey but this is what I have and am still learning:

1. It’s out of my hands.

It’s difficult being told that you will end up with someone when you don’t believe that you will. I am learning not to force it or get in my own way because God has a divine order, it’s bigger than I am and I am learning to trust. Trust that I don’t know why it hasn’t happened today and might never happen. But trust that things are exactly the way that they are meant to be.

2. He will be who he is, and I accept that.

When I received all these signs that he could possibly be any soulmate, I did some research on him- out of curiosity and fear. I found out some things that I didn’t want to know, particularly about his treatment of women. In my mind, my soulmate is meant to be a gentleman and kind to women. In my mind, he has understood the struggle of women his whole life; not a part of women’s problems. I asked myself and God, ‘Why him?’, to which I still don’t have an answer. I can spend hours talking about how I dislike his behaviour towards women and spend more hours wondering why he acts through his Ego and isn’t a better person. But, all of that would be a waste of my time. Time that I don’t have or won’t get back if I give it.

3. It’s not up to him to make me happy.

Whoever sold us this idea that our happiness depends on finding ‘the one’ lied. After seeing him out with a woman, romantically, I was devastated. I wondered why God would play around with me like that. I felt stripped of the fantasy that I had been sold. There I was, back in the situation that I always found myself in where the man I chose was choosing someone else and it angered me. It angered me because despite how I feel about him, he was supposed to be the one. And then it dawned on me, I am the one. I am the only one who can make myself truly happy. I want to be so solid, strong and unshakable that when I am in a circumstance like that, I can say Thank you for reminding me to be selective instead of allowing you to have power over me. I’m almost there but until I am there, I will keep believing that that day will come.

I accept him for who he is

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Image by Getty images  

 

I accept that he is not changing. 

 

I accept that it is not up to him to change.


I accept that it is not up to me to change him. 


I accept that he can be whoever he wants to be.


I accept that I can free myself of who I want him to be. 


I accept that I can clear myself of any fears. 


I accept that everything is finally so crystal clear


I accept that it was only meant to be what it was.


I accept that I don’t need to have control over him.


I accept that I can only control myself.


I accept that it is what it is and peace is number 1 over anything else.