Dear X- a letter to my ex-boyfriend.

 image by Getty images

image by Getty images

Dear X, 


I know that I should forgive you but where do I start? Surprisingly, I have been able to go about my days just fine since we have part. I think because towards the end, it was so obvious that you and I weren't meant to be. My life is simpler and better without you in it. So, I find it difficult to understand why it's so difficult to forgive you. 

Maybe the hardest part is what I'm forgiving you for. Am I forgiving you for disappearing on me and saying that you were asleep? When I know that you were lying. Am I forgiving you for having your ex in your life as though you guys were still dating? Making me feel second place every time she liked your picture on Instagram- she did like every single picture you put up. Am I forgiving you for not being ready for a relationship like you told me you weren't in the beginning? Am I forgiving you for leaving me in one of the loneliest positions that I have ever been in?

It's difficult to nail it down to just one thing to forgive you for. So, I think I'll start with forgiving myself first. That might be easier. 

I forgive myself for allowing you to do the way that you did- to me and to others in front of me. I forgive myself for being weak and not adamant enough with you because I knew the second day in that you were not for me. I forgive myself for keeping quiet and trying to rationalize with someone that clearly isn't able to be rationalized with. I forgive myself for not showing you that I was angry when I was truly angry with you sometimes- any women would be. I know now that I have liberty to be upset if I feel a certain way. 

Now that I have forgiven myself, I will start with forgiving you for not loving yourself. I forgive you for not seeing that you deserve love because people that deserve love don't treat someone that loves them the way that you have treated me. 

In that case, I can forgive you because you will need a lot of forgiveness moving forward if you continue to act the way that you do. Something that I have learnt is that love requires honesty, consistency and stability. Meaning, you and I never had a chance. 

I could give you advice but I'm sure that you don't want to hear it. And I am enjoying only being there for myself at this moment in my life.

However,  I must just say thank you. You taught me a lesson that will forever will be remembered: that the person that I can love can hurt me in one of the worst ways possible and I can learn from it, grow from it and, in time, move on from it.