Last year, 2019, was a monumental year. I went through one of the most transformative times in my life that came to me in the form of hardship. I began and ended a toxic relationship that highlighted how I had allowed unaccaptable behaviour in my life. 

This type of behaviour was not only in romantic relationships but also in friendships. Before I decided to acknowledge my own allowance, I allowed basically anyone into my life as a friend. Truthfully, I didn’t have enough confidence and trust in my intuition to acknowledge that I deserved friends who were sincere, kind, genuine, supportive and cared about my well-being. 

I am in a great place now with relationships and I feel fully supportive. I have gotten to this place by letting go of people who are the antithesis of what I want from a friend. 

Through this journey, I have learnt a few things about people who use friendship as a place to merely take from others. Here is 3 of them:

1. Their actions will show you that they don’t really care about you.

I recently let go of the last friend that wasn’t supportive towards me. I did so because when I would tell her stories about my former partner, she would defend him and gaslight me for how I felt. I couldn’t get a full sentence in without her telling me to give him the benefit of the doubt. In addition, when I befriended my ex in the recent past, she said that he was a nice friend to have, implying this because he is a successful DJ and Producer. 

That comment disappointed me because she knew how toxic his behaviour was towards me and didn’t even care if being friends with him would affect my overall well-being. My last straw was when I recently saw her and she was happy to tell me how she was; however, when I started speaking about myself, she looked at her phone and was completely unbothered by what I was saying. I asked if she could hear me and it became apparent to me that she wasn’t listening and had no desire to listen to me or genuinely ask how I am doing. 

I took this as a sign, before I would’ve questioned myself. But now, I listen to that inner voice that highlights people’s actions. She was only interested in our friendship because of who I was dating and now that I am single, she has disappeared. When I ask her where she has been or tell her that I feel like she is only around for her own interest, she makes up excuses for why she hasn’t been around. However, genuine friends are supportive throughout every season and don’t defend the person who is causing you pain. I have a wonderful group of amazing friends that I would prefer to focus on because I deserve relationships that thrive. 

2. They make you feel crazy for feeling how you feel. 

Have you ever been positive gaslighted? When you are going through something and a friend will tell you a generic saying like, ‘Well, it is what it is.’, ‘Be positive about it!’ Or, ‘You’ve got this!’ I used to think that someone telling me this meant that they cared; only to understand that sometimes when someone is not being genuine, they will throw out phrases to make it seem like they are so that they can keep using you or not take responsibility for their own actions. The common thread of the friends that I have disconnected from is that I didn’t feel their genuine love, I could tell that they weren’t listening when I was telling them stories or when I needed them, they were nowhere to be found. 

Friends should be there for the ups-and-downs; not only when they have to something to get from it. 

3. It is up to themselves to change their own behaviour. 

When I confronted these friends, I was met with phrases that made it seem like I am the drama. However (afterwards) they would say things like, ‘I wish you would’ve told me how you felt.’ Or, a fake apology where they say sorry at the moment and then keep behaving the same way. 

In a nutshell, people who use others might or might not be aware of what they are doing but it is not our jobs to figure this out. All that we can do is set our boundaries and if we get pushback or fake apologies, we focus on friendships and relationships that support us and make us feel loved. It is not our job to force people to change. We are all responsible for our lives and if people don’t take responsibility for their actions, we can’t make them.