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I’ve had my cards, palm and energy read a few times and all of them eluded that I would meet my soulmate once I moved to California.

Alas, I move here only to find that two more energy and tarot card readers tell me the same thing that I had heard before. None of them knew each other but all described this man in the same way and said that he would show up at my job. One of them even counted down the exact day that he would come.

And, when he showed up, I didn’t expect it to be so disappointing. In my head, it would be a fantasy. I would run into his arms, tell him that I had waited for him my whole life and that he could rest assure because I was here to take care of him.

It didn’t turn out like that. In fact, it has been the opposite. When I come into contact with him, I avoid him because I expected him to be more than what he is. It’s a never-ending journey but this is what I have and am still learning:

1. It’s out of my hands.

It’s difficult being told that you will end up with someone when you don’t believe that you will. I am learning not to force it or get in my own way because God has a divine order, it’s bigger than I am and I am learning to trust. Trust that I don’t know why it hasn’t happened today and might never happen. But trust that things are exactly the way that they are meant to be.

2. He will be who he is, and I accept that.

When I received all these signs that he could possibly be any soulmate, I did some research on him- out of curiosity and fear. I found out some things that I didn’t want to know, particularly about his treatment of women. In my mind, my soulmate is meant to be a gentleman and kind to women. In my mind, he has understood the struggle of women his whole life; not a part of women’s problems. I asked myself and God, ‘Why him?’, to which I still don’t have an answer. I can spend hours talking about how I dislike his behaviour towards women and spend more hours wondering why he acts through his Ego and isn’t a better person. But, all of that would be a waste of my time. Time that I don’t have or won’t get back if I give it.

3. It’s not up to him to make me happy.

Whoever sold us this idea that our happiness depends on finding ‘the one’ lied. After seeing him out with a woman, romantically, I was devastated. I wondered why God would play around with me like that. I felt stripped of the fantasy that I had been sold. There I was, back in the situation that I always found myself in where the man I chose was choosing someone else and it angered me. It angered me because despite how I feel about him, he was supposed to be the one. And then it dawned on me, I am the one. I am the only one who can make myself truly happy. I want to be so solid, strong and unshakable that when I am in a circumstance like that, I can say Thank you for reminding me to be selective instead of allowing you to have power over me. I’m almost there but until I am there, I will keep believing that that day will come.