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I give up! I give up believing that I will ever find love because at this moment, I am certain that I won’t.
If it were in my cards, why would I be taken through so many bad experiences with men? Why would I be put through the wringer so many times by different men? All of them look different, seem different but are the same.
God, I give up on the idea of me ending up with my soulmate or someone who is kind and respectful because I have lost hope. And, the only hope that I have now is a life of being a bachelorette for the rest of this lifetime.
God, I accept that the life of romantic love is not for everyone and it is certainly not for me because I have not met a man who can fit the role that I had created in my life. Now that the role doesn’t exist, I find security.
Security that I don’t have to force myself to date another person that I don’t like, lacks fundamental respect, doesn’t call me back, mistreats women, doesn’t tell the truth or, care about any of it.
Because, God, I give up on romantic love.
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Two years ago, I experienced the biggest heartbreak that I had ever gone through. In a week, I went from planning to move to another state with my (then) boyfriend & being pregnant to being single and having lost my baby.
When it first happened, I was afraid to mourn because I was afraid that I would cry for days-on-end and that my life would come to an end. Two weeks later, I shared a bottle of wine with a friend and I realized that I had some healing to do. Although the healing process wasn’t easy, I made an effort every single day to come out stronger than before.
And, thank God that I did because I learnt so much. This experience had to happen, if I could re-do, this is what I wish I had known about having a miscarriage:
1. Some people will doubt you.
One of the most hurtful things you can ask someone who has gone through a miscarriage is if they were pregnant to begin with. A few people asked me this question and it messes with your mind, especially because of your hormonal imbalance. I wondered how people can be wreckless with their mouths and not truly understand what it feels like to be full of love and, then the next moment, be empty of love. The point is that they don’t understand and, they don’t have to. As long as you know the truth, someone else’s opinion does not matter.
2. You might get blamed.
I’m not sure why society is so cruel to women? But this is a reality that we, as women, have to face. When I told a former friend what had happened, she said that it was my fault and that I needed to look at who I was surrounding myself with. I made a decision to release toxic things and people out of my life and she was one of them. It seems so ludicrous to me that a woman going through so much pain is at fault when something is done to her. This is extended out to harassment, assault and different gender biases in the world. The best thing that you can do is surround yourself by supportive people who genuinely care and are not keeping you around to make themselves feel righteous about their existence and experiences. We are all human and we fall. Surround yourself with people who will help you get up, not people who will keep you down.
3. You will be okay.
I have never expressed to anyone the amount of pain that I felt finding out that I was pregnant and being left by my partner to have to deal with it myself. Some of the people that I told a hint of what I was going through, had so much to say about what I should do- particularly men. Which is very interesting to me. I made a decision not to tell others because I knew in my heart that God had a plan for me. I knew that having the miscarriage was what was best for me at that moment and that my baby’s soul had touched my life and my heart for a reason.
4. Everything happens for a reason.
I am a firm-believer that everything is exactly the way that it is meant to be. Easy to say when things are going your way; however, not easy to say when the life that you thought that you wanted has been taken away from you. Truthfully, my boyfriend (at the time) suffered from a mental illness and was verbally abusive towards me. I didn’t tell anyone how manipulative, cruel and vengeful he was because I didn’t want people to judge him for his struggles. Looking back, I can’t imagine having put a baby through being treated the way that I was. I am grateful for this lesson because, even though it was difficult to learn: when the time comes to have a baby it will be with someone that I know is mentally, physically and spiritually capable of being responsible for another human being. I made a promise to God that until that day comes, I will focus on being the best version of myself and if I don’t have a child, that is okay. Like The Course in Miracles says, ‘Nothing real can be threatened.’
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Why do i want to forgive him?
Because I don't want to spend anymore time on this.
I want to forgive him because I ,too, played a part in being hurt. I had put him on a pedestal. One that he had not proved himself enough prior to be on.
I want to forgive him because even though I miss him from time to time, it would be unrealistic for me to expect anything from someone who has proven that he is more than capable of disappointing me.
I want to forgive him because wishing him unwell hinders me and my future. I want to forgive him because my future does not involve hating something that is in the past.
I want to forgive him because a part of me is ashamed at how I allowed myself to be treated, the other part is determined not to be treated that way again. Those parts have met today for me to look forward. I look forward with clarity because all the haze has been cleared by forgiveness.
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Je n'avais jamais pensé pouvoir ressentir une telle douleur émotionnelle avant de découvrir que mon ex m'avait quitté pour son ex-épouse. Vous voyez, lui et moi étions en train d'arranger les choses après une pause et bien que je sois incertain de beaucoup de choses, j'étais certain de l'aimer et de n'avoir jamais aimé personne de la même façon.
J'ai découvert la nouvelle avant mon déménagement à Los Angeles. Et, après l'avoir reçu, je lui ai envoyé le message qu'il était une mauvaise personne et que je n'avais jamais cru au mal avant de l'avoir rencontré. Ces mots, j'ai vraiment cru. J'étais envahi par la victimisation, la contrariété, la trahison, la négativité et la méfiance. Je ne pouvais plus le supporter. La haine est vraiment un fardeau à porter.
J’ai commencé mon premier mois à Los Angeles, heureux d’être loin de lui et de son «énergie toxique». À mes yeux, il était toxique parce que je lui avais tant donné pendant de nombreuses années et que je n'avais jamais semblé lui suffire.
Deux semaines après mon arrivée à LA, j’ai suivi un cours SoulCycle à Santa Monica et l’instructeur a joué la chanson de James MacArthur, Impossible. J'ai senti des larmes rouler sur mon visage. Les larmes sont venues quand j'ai réalisé que ce que tout le monde m'avait dit se produirait, s'était passé. Je me sentais comme si mon coeur était vaincu. Auparavant, j’avais été si plein d’amour sincère et je n’avais pas eu le sentiment d’être réciproque. Je voulais courir et me cacher de moi-même et du monde. Je me suis demandé comment je pouvais être si bête de lui faire confiance et à l’idée de nous quand toutes les chances étaient contre nous.
Nous risquons fort probablement de divorcer lorsque nous avons commencé à sortir ensemble et de rester ensemble pour toujours, sans nous souvenir de qui il était et d'où il venait.
Cela m'a pris quelques mois; Cependant, aujourd'hui, je suis reconnaissant d'être plein de pardon envers lui. C'est pourquoi j'ai choisi de lui pardonner:
1. Parfois, on aime et on se fait mal.
Nous avons cette idée que, juste parce que nous aimons quelque chose, nous devons retrouver l'amour exactement comme et quand nous le voulons. Mais ce n'est pas le cas. J'appelle cela, l'amour du Tit-pour-Tat. Avec ce genre d’amour, nous essayons de manipuler les gens pour qu’ils se comportent comme nous le voulons et, s’ils ne le font pas, nous les laissons ou nous leur mettons en colère. J'ai accepté (et j'accepte toujours) que l'amour que je lui ai donné n'a pas été mesuré, pourrait ne pas me revenir et ce n'est pas grave. L'amour inconditionnel, c'est s'ouvrir à l'idée que, peu importe ce qui se présente à nous, nous choisissons l'amour parce que la haine est lourde. Je lui pardonne parce que l'amour que je choisis de donner n'est pas seulement pour lui.
2. La croissance se produit lorsque nous tombons, nous levons, apprenons et allons de l'avant.
Quand j'ai découvert qu'il était revenu avec son ex, je me suis senti comme le plus gros idiot du monde. Quand nous avons commencé à sortir ensemble, j'ai perdu de nombreux amis qui refusaient de me regarder sortir avec cet homme marié et âgé et après tout, je me sentais comme s'ils avaient raison. S'ils savaient, pourquoi ai-je refusé de voir la vérité? La réponse est que nous devons parfois tomber pour apprendre, car une fois que nous tombons, nous pouvons nous relever nous-mêmes, apprendre et progresser. Je lui pardonne parce que j'ai appris que je suis plus fort que je ne le pensais. Si je pouvais surmonter ce sentiment de vide et de solitude, je me prouverais que je pouvais traverser beaucoup de choses.
3. Pour l'amour, je referais tout ça.
Après avoir publié le dernier article, un ami m'a demandé si je revivrais cette expérience. J'ai dit oui! Je le referais encore parce que nous partagions beaucoup d'amour et de souvenirs ensemble. Tout cela, je ne le regrette pas. À partir du moment où je l'ai vu me voir la première fois que nous nous sommes rencontrés, le moment où il a perçu mon attitude de "faire semblant de ne pas vous connaître" et les moments où nous avons ri ensemble Cela en valait la peine. Je lui pardonne parce qu'il avait un but dans ma vie et je lui en suis reconnaissant.
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I never thought that I could feel such emotional pain until I found out that my ex had left me for his estranged wife. You see, he and I were in the process of working things out after being on a break and although I was uncertain of many things, I was certain that I loved him and had never loved anyone the way that I loved him.
I found out the news before I moved to Los Angeles. And, after I received it, I sent him a message that he is a bad person and that I never believed in evil until I met him. These words, I truly believed. I was filled up with victimization, upset, betrayal, negativity and mistrust. I couldn’t take it anymore. Hate is truly a burden to bear.
I began my first month in Los Angeles happy to be away from him and his ‘toxic energy’. In my eyes, he was toxic because I gave him so much for many years and I never seemed to be enough for him.
Two weeks after I had moved to LA, I took a SoulCycle class in Santa Monica and the instructor played James MacArthur’s song, Impossible. I felt tears rolling down my face. The tears came as I realized that what everyone had told me would happen, had happened. I felt like my heart was defeated. I had previously been so full of genuine love and didn’t feel it reciprocated. I wanted to run and hide from myself and the world. I asked myself how I could’ve been so dumb to trust him and the idea of us when all of the odds were against us.
The odds being that we would make through his going through a divorce when we began dating and be together forever without remembering who and where he had come from.
It has taken me a few months; however, today I am grateful to be full of forgiveness towards him. This is why I have chosen to forgive him:
1. Sometimes we love and we get hurt.
We have this idea that just because we love something, we have to get the love back exactly how and when we want it to. But, that is not the case. I call this, Tit-for-Tat Love. With this kind of love, we try to manipulate people to behave the way that we want them to and, if they don’t, we leave them or are angry at them. I accepted (and am still accepting) that the love I gave him was not measured, might not come back to me from and that is okay. Unconditional love is being open to the idea that no matter what is thrown our way, we choose love because hate is heavy. I forgive him because the love that I choose to give out is not only for him.
2. Growth happens when we fall, get up, learn and move forward.
When I found out that he had gotten back together with his ex, I felt like the biggest idiot in the world. When we had started dating, I lost many friends who refused to watch me date this older and married man and after everything, I felt like they were right. If they knew, why did I refuse to see the truth? The answer is that sometimes we have to fall to learn because once we fall, we can pick ourselves up, learn and move forward. I forgive him because I learnt that I am stronger than I thought. If I could get through this feeling of emptiness and loneliness, I proved to myself that I could get through a lot.
3. For love, I would do it all again.
After I published the last article, a friend asked me if I would live this experience again. I said yes! I would do it over again because we shared a lot of love and memories together. All of which, I don’t regret. From the moment that I saw him see me the first time we met, the moment that he saw through my ‘pretend like I don’t know you’ attitude, and the moments that we laughed together. It was all worth it. I forgive him because he had a purpose in my life and I am grateful.
Eminyakeni engaba ngu-7 eyedlule, ngithandana nendoda, iminyaka engu-13 engineminyaka eyishumi nambili ubudala, owayehamba ngesehlukaniso. Namuhla, ngemva kokumthukuthelela kanye nesimo emva kokuqeda izinto, ekugcineni nginamahhala futhi nginokuthethelelwa.
Ngangineminyaka engu-21 lapho sihlangana kuqala ngakho ngangingazi ukuthi ngizongena kanjani. Angikholelwa ekuzisola. Kodwa-ke, uma ngikwazi ukukwenza futhi, yilokho engifisa sengathi ngazi ngaphambili:
Esinye sezizathu ezenza ngichithe isikhathi esiningi ngithukuthele, ngemuva kokuthi siphule, ngoba ngifisa sengathi wangishiya ngedwa lapho ngimphika ekuqaleni. Intuition yami yazi kusukela ekuqaleni ukuthi yayiyizindaba ezimbi. Ngakho-ke, angiqiniseki ukuthi kungani nginikela. Nginombono wokuthi kwakungenxa yokuthi lapho ngisemncane, ukuzethemba kwami kwakungeyona into engcono kakhulu futhi nakuba ngiyazi ukuthi ngifaneleka kangcono, angizange ngifanele. Angizange ngikhulume ukuthi amazwi ami asemqoka, umzimba wami udaba, ingqondo yami iyindaba ... ekugcineni, nginendaba. Uma wazi ukuthi unendaba kule Leli, ikuvumela ukuba ugcine ibanga kubantu kanye nezinto ezenza uzizwe ungakhathazeki.
2. Qaphela ukuthi uvumela bani empilweni yakho.
Ngesikhathi ngisemncane, ngangingeke ngikhethe abantu engibavumelayo ekuphileni kwami njengami manje. Mina nomngane wami sasihlabelela ngalunye usuku futhi wathi nginjengomgodla-uSargent ngemizwelo yami. Yikuphi, ngiphendule, ngithi, 'Uma ngingekho, ubani ozoba khona?' Kulula ukusho ukuthi, 'Themba wonke umuntu' futhi 'Vula wena wonke umuntu'; Kodwa-ke, uma othile ekubonisa ukuthi ngeke bakuhloniphe noma imingcele yakho uma bekhona empilweni yakho, kulungile ukuvuma ukuthi akufanelekile ukuba khona empilweni yakho ukuqala.
3. Kuhle ukuthi cha.
Ngangivame ukuzizwa kabi ngoba ngithi cha. Ngakho-ke, ngingavumela noma ubani empilweni yami futhi uma behamba, ngangibuza ukuthi ngabavumela kanjani. Impendulo ukuthi angizange ngibeke imingcele ecacile lapho ngingafanelekile ukwenza okuthile. Njengowesifazane ohlala eMelika, kunzima ukuthi cha. Ngoba uma usho ukuthi cha kumuntu onentshisekelo mayelana nenhlonipho eyinhloko, uyazi ukuthi kuyoba khona omunye owesifazane ngemuva kwakho (emgqeni) elinde ukuthi yebo futhi avumelane nalokho ongakufuni. Ngiye ngafunda ukuthi ngiyajabula ngokuthi cha cha kubantu kanye nezinto ezingahambi kahle kimi uma zihamba kumunye umuntu noma cha. Okungenani ubuqotho bami nokuziqhenya kuyohlala buqinile.
4. Akudingeki ube mncane ukuba ube nobuhlobo.
Lesi sifundo esiqhubeka siveza ebuhlotsheni bami, nginomkhuba wokwenza ngincane ukuze indoda enginayo ingazizwa ilungele. Inombolo 1 isizathu sokuthi angingashadile okwamanje ngukuthi angikaze ngibone indoda engingakaze ngiyidumise phansi noma ngiyenze ngokwanele. Ukuphila kwami konke omdala-ukuphola kuye kwangenza ngifanele ukulingana komuntu enganginakho, yingakho ngivame ukwenza kangcono uma ngedwa. Ubuhlobo buhlanganisa abalingani ababili abafuna ukuphumelelana ukuze kube nenjongo ephakeme ebuhlotsheni. Uma umuntu oyedwa enomuzwa wokuthi omncane, kuveza ukungavikeleki, umhawu nomdlalo-konke okungeyona isisekelo sobuhlobo obuhle.
5. Ukuzinza akufanele kukukhokhele inhliziyo yakho.
Esinye seziqhwa zokuba nalesi ndoda kwakungokuthi wangithatha ngokwezimali. Ngangizizwa ngizinzile. Kodwa, ngokushesha ngafunda ukuthi imali yakhe ayikwazanga ukulungisa noma ukulungisa okudingekayo ukulungiswa noma okwakungekho. Wayengeke aphele isikhathi ngezikhathi futhi aphinde avele nento njengokuxolisa. Yikuphi, ngawela ekuqaleni ngoba (kumabhayisikobho) wonke owesifazane ufuna into enhle ukugqoka noma ukuthatha indawo ethile idumile. Iqiniso liwukuthi izinto ziphela, imizwelo iyasebenza futhi inhlonipho igolide. Ayikho imali emhlabeni ongakuthola phansi uma uthola ukuthi isoka lakho libuyele kanye nomkakhe. Asikho isipho emhlabeni ongashintsha ukuzihlonipha. Futhi, ayikho isidlo sokudla okunamnandi noma iwayini elingakusiza ukuba ulale kangcono ebusuku uma intuition yakho ikutshela ukuthi kukhona okuthile okungaziwa ngakho. Akuyona into engokwemvelo ukufaka indawo yezinto ezibonakalayo zothando nokuhlonipha indawo yenyama. Yenza imali yakho, zikhiphe futhi uziphathe ngothando nangenhlonipho. Uma usuqala ukwenza lokho, kanjalo nabanye bayokuzungezile ngoba ubakhombise ukuthi ungakwazi ukuzinakekela kakade nokuthi konke okudingayo kukhona, uthando nokuhlonipha.
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Almost 7 years ago, I fell in love with a man, 13 years my senior, who was going through a divorce. Today, after being angry at him and the situation after we ended things, I am finally free of attachment and full of forgiveness.
I was 21 when we first met so I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I don’t believe in regrets. However, if I could do it again, this is what I wish I had known beforehand:
1. You matter!
One of the reasons why I spent so much time angry at him, after we broke up, is because I wish he had left me alone when I initially denied him in the beginning. My intuition knew from the very beginning that he was bad news. So, I’m not sure why I gave in. I have a theory that it was because when I was younger, my self-esteem wasn’t the best and although I knew that I deserved better, I didn’t my worth. I didn’t that my words matter, my body matters, my mind matters... ultimately, I matter. When you know that you matter in This World, it allows you to keep a distance from people and things that make you feel like you don’t matter.
2. Be careful who you let into your life.
When I was younger, I was not as selective with people that I allow into my life as I am now. My friend and I were joking around the other day and she said that I am like a drill-Sargent with my emotions. Which, I replied to, ‘If I am not, who will be?’It’s easy to say, ‘Trust everyone’ and ‘Open yourself up to everyone’; however, if someone shows you that they will not respect you or your boundaries once they are in your life, it’s okay to accept that they don’t deserve to be in your life to begin with.
3. It’s okay to say no.
I used to feel so badly for saying no. So, I would let anyone into my life and once they were gone, I would question how I allowed them in. The answer is that I hadn’t set clear boundaries of when I was not okay with doing something. As a woman living in America, it’s tough to say no. Because when you say no to an interested man about fundamental respect, you know that there will another woman behind you (in line) waiting to say yes and agree to whatever you won’t. I have learnt that I am happy to say no to people and things that are unhealthy for me whether they move onto someone else or don’t. At least my integrity and self-worth will stay intact.
4. You don’t have to be small to be in a relationship.
This is a lesson that keeps showing up in my relationships, I have a habit of making myself small so that the man that I am with can feel worthy. The number 1 reason that I am single right now is because I have yet to meet a man that I have not had to dumb myself down for or make myself small for. My entire adult-dating life has been making myself fit the smallness of the person who I was with, that’s why I usually do better when I am alone. Companionship consists of two equals who want each other to succeed so that there is a higher purpose for a relationship. When one person feels small, it is breeding ground for insecurity, jealousy and drama- all of which are not the foundation of a healthy relationship.
5. Stability should not cost you your heart.
One of the lures of being with this man was that he financially took care of me. I felt stable. But, I quickly learnt that his money couldn’t mend or replace what needed fixing or what wasn’t there. He would disappear from time-to-time and reappear with something as an apology. Which, I fell for in the beginning because (in the movies) every woman wants something nice to wear or to be taken somewhere fancy. The truth is that materials fade, emotions are valid and respect is golden. No amount of money in the world can pick you up off the floor when you find out that your boyfriend has gotten back together with his wife. No gift in the world can replace self-respect. And, no fancy dinner or wine can help you sleep better at night when your intuition is telling you that there is something going on that you don’t know about. It is unnatural to replace the physical world for the fundamentals of love and respect. Make your own money, take yourself out and treat yourself with love and respect. Once you start to do that, so will others around you because you have shown them that you can take care of yourself already and that all you need is presence, love and respect.
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At this moment, I'm comfortable enough to be single and appreciate time by myself. I've had a few long-term relationships that left me feeling disappointed and underappreciated, which ultimately ended with my wanting to be by myself. Through those experiences, I learnt to love myself by looking at who I truly am with all my imperfections. It didn't come easily, but it came, and I for that I'm grateful.
The lessons I've learnt from my love life thus far will pave way for the magnificent love that's on the way. Love that's based on respect, that isn't ego-driven, that allows me to be exactly who I am.
Here are five things that I wish someone had told me when I ended my first long-term relationship:
1. You don't need anyone to love you for you to love yourself.
Loving yourself comes from you, not from someone else. The people you attract when you don't love yourself most likely won't love the real you — because you don't love the real you. When you don't love yourself, you hide what’s on the inside. Relationships formed while you're hiding your true self will be based on a lie. Real love is based on the truth.
2. People love you because they want to love you.
You can't force someone to love you the way you wish to be loved. You're worth love that comes naturally, not love that's tarnished by force. People are allowed to choose how and if they'll love you, and it has nothing to do with you. When you force someone to love you, you're subconsciously telling yourself that you don't deserve to be loved. One day someone will come along who won't have to be reminded to call you back, who will want to buy you flowers, and who will always find a way for you to be in his or her life.
3. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want from a relationship.
If your partner doesn't want the same from it as you, you can and will find someone who does. Getting what you want from a relationship isn't asking for a lot. Asking someone to take the time to respond to you, to be there for you or to be loved by someone isn't asking for too much. All of us deserve to be treated with respect.
4. If something feels like a drag, it's probably bringing you down.
Happiness lifts you up, it doesn't bring you down. If you feel constantly down in your relationship, it's not a good sign. There will be difficult times, but there ought to be good times too. If you feel alone in a relationship, you probably are alone. The label of a boyfriend, fiancée or husband doesn't mean that you're being treated with the love and respect that you deserve. When people are in a healthy relationship, they are joyful. Not all the time but most of the time.
5. You're human, not a hero!
You don't have to save someone from their past heartaches. Your partner's pain isn't because of you. We all get hurt, and it's a part of the journey of life. Someone who takes out his or her past on you is clearly holding on to baggage. This type of person may not be capable of sincerely loving. It has nothing to do with you; it's merely because they don't want to let go of his past. The person who's ready to love you has used his or her baggage from past relationships and transformed it into wisdom. This person wants to love you.
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Why do I want to forgive him? Because thankfully, I have learnt that I cannot expect from him. I cannot expect from anyone, actually. Expectations denounce faith. And, I have faith that everything is meant to be.
Why do I want to forgive him?
Because I am in a better place. I am at peace with the outcome and wish him nothing but happiness.
Why do I want to forgive him?
Because any negative efforts towards him comes from me. I want my body, my temple, to be a breeding ground for joy and peace. I am done being angry. Being angry is a full-time job; being at peace creates space for me to live duty-free.
Why do I want to forgive him?
Because repetition is tedious. I cannot re-learn what I have learnt from this and am grateful that I did learn.
Why do I want to forgive him?
Because this time when he shows me who he is, I smile- not cry. I smile not because I know that I am better than he, I smile, not because I call him names, but because I understand that his actions are mostly because of him.