A year ago, I became closer and closer to a good friend. As we spent more time together, I began to feel a spark between us. We started to talk everyday, we would have deep and meaningful conversations and, we would be the last message we sent one another before we fell asleep.
Before I knew it, I had fallen in love with a close friend and didn’t know what to do with the feelings that I had for him. We would have fun together, make one another laugh and, he made me feel special on my birthday. When I saw him, I would light up inside and he made me want to smile from the inside out.
As my feelings grew, I wanted to be a better friend to him, I wanted to love him the way that I felt that he deserved to be loved: without judgement and with devotion. Whether I was aware of how I felt for him or not, I naturally wanted to do things for him. So, I helped him a lot, I was there for him when he needed anyone because I believed in him. I loved him.
As my love grew for him, I suppressed a lot of my feelings because I felt that we would not make good partners and we would be better as friends. I never pictured myself with someone like him and so I continued to be a friend to him.
A few months passed and while I dated other men, I noticed that what I did for this friend was not being reciprocated. He was not showing up for me the way that I had hoped for and, he began to disappoint me. It started with saying he would show up and didn’t, to saying that I was being dramatic when I would bring up my feelings. Which is ultimately why I probably didn’t bring up my romantic feelings for him. Because, deep down I knew that he wouldn’t receive it well if I did.
The day that I ended our friendship, I began to take steps to move forward with my life and I made a promise that I would never be in his life to the capacity that I was before. And, while I have kept that promise, the journey of choosing me has been wonderful.
Here are 3 Ways that I chose myself after being hurt by an avoidant personality:
1. I talked it out in therapy.
While my former friend and I were friends for two years, I realized that he triggered things in me that I had seen in former relationships, whether romantic, platonic or with family. I had a tendency to try to convince people to love me.
During therapy, I realized that I was sometimes drawn to people with avoidant personality types so that I could over-give and over-love because I felt the need to prove myself.
Realizing my attraction and attachment pattern has been monumental in my healing journey and has taught me a huge life lesson.
2. I invested in myself.
I remember being in my apartment and looking at the pictures that he promised to help me hang up and I became furious. They were still on the floor and I felt a lump in my throat. Yes, I did cry but afterwards, I hung them up on my own.
I made a promise to myself that all the energy I invested in him with his music and talking to him through personal problems, I would do the same with my life. I would check in with myself, eat well, do things that made me happy and live from a place of self-investment.
Instead of being bitter about what I gave him, I redirected that energy to me and it paid off. Today, I am the happiest I have ever been and I let go of anger, bitterness and hurt that I had towards him.
3. I learned more about attachment styles.
Out of this friendship, I received the biggest gift: a lesson about attachment styles. Upon learning why I chose to be drawn to this friend to begin with, it provided me with deep insight. I don’t have to prove my love to someone, especially someone who doesn’t appreciate it.
My friend would trigger my lack of validation that stemmed from my childhood. Without rehashing every single memory, my inner child was always crying to be loved and this came out when my friend wouldn’t reciprocate actions or text me back. My subconscious believed that if I loved him enough, I could convince him to love me back. When in actuality, I don’t think he was ever capable of reciprocating how I felt and, it is okay. In fact, it’s how it was meant to be.
When I would catch myself wanting to text him or reach out to him, I did something for myself to make myself a better person or be more at peace. Like journaling, singing or going for a walk in nature.
I lost a friend that I loved deeply but I got something so much better: a deeper connection with myself that I will have for a lifetime. For that, I am extremely grateful.
