After I ended my last relationship, I noticed a trend. I have spent most of my dating history in the same/similar habits that have caused me (in the long term) to end up disliking or resenting the person who I dated before, deeply. 

This cycle has ended because I have no desire in repeating these habits. I have also learnt to put tools into practice like meditation, prayer and visualizing what I want in a relationship. This past relationship completed everything that I have learnt in my others: I am worthy of a healthy relationship and anything other than elevation and clarity is not worth putting effort into. 

Hence, why I am letting go of a few habits that I used to hold onto in relationships. 

Here are 4 of them: 

1. Being the martyr

I’m not sure where I developed this need to be a saviour. Not only in my relationships; also in other parts of my life. Seeing people in pain would make me feel pain, too. Some may call it empathetic or compassionate which is great; however, it got to the point where I would sacrifice my wellbeing so that others would feel more comfortable. This thinking attracted and entertained men who would take advantage of me, who lacked the capacity to take responsibility for their actions and those that would disappear when we were going through something challenging. They behaved this way because they didn’t have to grow; I would always be around accepting their behaviour so that they didn’t have to change or evolve. I carried the majority of the load because I was afraid that if they decided to do the work then they would leave. Because of my dad leaving my family when I was 15, I have had a deep fear of men leaving me. So, I would manipulate and pamper men so that I looked like an angel and they would never want to leave. 

Carrying more load in the relationship than someone else is exhausting and unfair. I would only realize how unfair it was when something drastic happened. By letting go of this habit, I don’t need to wait for something extreme to happen, I can acknowledge and accept that I am only willing to be in a relationship with someone who acknowledges their full responsibility as an adult so that I avoid hating or resenting someone else when I don’t need to. 

2. Being in a committed relationship with someone who is not ready. 

I got a hint of this notion when I was in a five year on-and-off relationship with a man who was going through a divorce. I believed that he and I were meant to be but I was the most unhappy that I had ever been in my life, I was definitely playing the martyr in that relationship. I remember distinctly having a conversation with a tarot card reader that explained to me, ‘Asking him to commit to being in a relationship is like asking a baby to run, he is just not ready.’ 

After hearing this explanation, I tried to deny what she had told me; only to find out that she was right. She was on point about that relationship and every other one where I have gone into with someone who wasn’t ready. A person who is ready to be in a committed relationship shows up and is willing to be in it, they don’t disappear, they don’t speak words of hurt or blame the other for their own actions- they accept that a relationship requires work, which they are willing to do because being in a healthy coupling is worth all of the steps and actions it takes to continue it. 

3. Taking blame for someone else’s actions.

From what I remember this started when I began to develop curves earlier than other girls. I have a memory of an older man staring at my legs and an elder in my family telling me that it’s okay because I have nice legs, ‘Of course he is going to look’, she said. Subconsciously sayings and gestures like this caused me to think that it was my fault when a man behaved a certain way towards me. 

As a society, a woman is expected to take on more responsibility for anything and that includes when her partner treats her in a disrespectful manner or is unkind to her. I had an ex-boyfriend literally tell me that he could show up and leave if he wanted to, because he is a man with desires and it takes more than one woman to fulfill his needs. Of course, that was the last time that I saw him and you could blame me for seeing the good in him, for not seeing the signs that he was a player. However, sometimes (unless it is physical) it takes being in relationships with people who are unkind for us to learn that that is not what we want. Taking responsibility for a partner who is unkind, disloyal, rude and projective is not something that I want to spend my life doing. I prefer to be with someone who has matured and has evolved into understanding that the biggest part of being an adult is taking ownership for their lives and the choices that they make. 

4. Saying that all men are trash and singing songs about being hurt by them. 

We all love break-up songs but if you listen to the lyrics very carefully, most popular break-up songs blame the other person for the reason why things ended or they were treated badly. After I ended my last relationship, I decided to listen to songs that lifted me up, gave me hope and helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Previously when I broke up with someone, I would listen to music and surround myself with things that reminded me of what a victim I was and, this cycle kept me in thoughts that left me feeling powerless. I have learnt that blaming the other person and talking about how ‘nasty men are’ only hinders me and stops me from opening up to the true love and happiness that I deserve. Sure, I have experienced some awful relationships and circumstances with people who happen to be men. However, not all men are an example of this. No matter what I have been through, I still have hope that an evolved, kind, loving, responsible, established and progressed man will come into my life and be worthy of being in a relationship with me. So, I will surround myself with people and things who support this thinking.