Much like a lot of other young women, I came from a family of a lot of women. I watched a lot of my older family members (women) describe themselves as strong and that their strength intimidated the opposite sex.

Because I was raised this way, it was a given that I would become a feminist. Especially after being raised by a single Mother even though I would’ve preferred to have lived with my Father during my formative years. A secret that I have only ever acknowledged to myself recently.

I had difficulty being honest about this because my generation is the one that has become susceptible to the illusion of modern feminism: a woman can do whatever she wants without repercussions or self-reflection.

This article is not for everyone and I will take constructive criticism. However I ask those who are reading this and do not believe the modern feminist lie to question it themselves. After seeing someone that I admire speak about it recently, it has influenced me to write my own version of it.

I am not referring to equality, which is traditional feminism. I am acknowledging the difference between modern feminism, not traditional, and how it might be destructive for women as opposed to beneficial for us.

Here are 3 lies that I used to believe about modern feminism:

1. We do not need to grow or change.

Like I had mentioned earlier, I come from a family of strong women. This has influenced me to be drawn to others who have strength. Although there are many benefits to being surrounded by women (or men) who are strong, there is a downfall, that there is little room for improvement or self-correction.

Life is about growth and change. If we embody an energy of arrogance towards evolving and humbling ourselves, it sends a subconscious message to ourselves and others: that we are not good at hearing what others have to say or that we are only thinking about ourselves.

Both can be true, we can be beautiful and worthy but also growing and evolving. We don’t need to grow or change; however, when we don’t, we shouldn’t be surprised if people don’t want anything to do with us.

2. Men owe women for the past.

I’ve heard so many people say this for over a decade and I repeat the same thing over and over, ‘Contrary to what you may believe, no one owes you anything in life.’ This may sound harsh but if we feel owed, there is no need to be grateful.

People who feel owed are less likely to say thank you and be courteous because they feel like it was theirs to begin with. This is entitlement. Have you ever been around someone who is entitled? They are hard to deal with or get along with. We do ourselves more of a disservice by expecting than waiting to see the outcome.

I am very aware of the past and that women were not offered the same opportunity as men; however, we can’t use modern times to get revenge or demand things from men because it goes against the very fabric of forgiveness and renewal. If we truly forgive the past and how we were treated, we need to let go of the need to feel owed because it stops us more than anyone else by expecting and then being let down when things don’t go our way.

3. I have all the time in The World.

The older that I get and I end a relationship, the more that I feel like my time was wasted. It doesn’t mean that I will go around acting as though I am ungrateful that it happened. It means that next time, I won’t spend as much time on the mistake and red-flags before. I believe in self-accountability and if I want to have a healthy family of my own, I want to learn and grow so that I can do so.

I have sensed a certain energy lately amongst some young women that we have all the time in The World and we can have it all, and I was one of those who used to think that. However, I realized that the more I told myself that, the more that I attracted and allowed players into my life because I was embodying the feminine version of that.

Toxicity is not only masculine, it can also be feminine. And, one day I asked myself, how can I expect the men that I am with to be responsible over their lives and themselves if I am not. This is when I began to get my life into order. I won’t always get it right but that doesn’t mean that I stop trying. If I want a family one day with someone worthy of my time, I need to work for it.

It won’t just land into my lap one day, I need to make sure that I am representing the kind of person that I plan on marrying. Like all things worthy in life, it requires work and dedication.

*This applies to modern feminism in Western Culture.