Written by Hali Tsotetsi
Photo from Unsplash
In 3 years, God willing, I will be celebrating my 40th birthday on February 6th, 2029. And, as excited as I am to become older and wiser, I have let go of many things I have been taught or developed from insecurities. One of them is the need to be perfect.
I had a very demanding upbringing that required close to perfectionism, which was a lot for a child. How that manifested into adulthood was feeling like if I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t lovable.
Only in my thirties have I unpacked this notion and, more specifically the past few years. I have finally understood and am practicing letting go of perfectionism.
Here are 3 ways that I am doing so:
1. Allowing people to paint me as the villain.
In most work situations, I was known as the sweet one. The one who was hardworking and got along with most of my colleagues. Until a recent work situation, which I can’t fully get into because of legal reasons.
One thing I can tell you is that I spent years being tested my colleagues who were clicky, mean and toxic. I am not a victim and I had my reasons for staying but it cemented the idea in my head that some people just won’t like you. There are people in life that will hear rumors about you and believe them because of reasons that have nothing to do with you.
It is okay to be a villain in someone else’s story as long as you know who you are, what you stand for and represent.
2. I don’t have to be a size 0 and be happy.
I recently went through some serious health issues, only to be diagnosed with Celiac’s disease a year after being hospitalized. Celiac’s disease is an autoimmune disease that is a trigger response to the protein found in gluten.
When I went into hospital, I lost a lot of weight and people started commenting on how much I had lost. In two weeks, I lost 15 pounds. It was very noticeable. But, I was struggling deeply with my health. Despite people complimenting me about my weight, I was terrified that I would go back into pain and need expensive medical attention all over again.
So, I spent a year focusing on my internal health. I told myself that I don’t care what the scale says, I am committed to health. I am done internalizing other people’s weight issues and insecurities; my body deserves better than that. This body that has housed my soul and been there for me more than anything else, deserves to be healthy. I don’t need to starve myself to appease others in order to love myself.
This body is worthy of love, no matter size I am.
3. Releasing the idea that a mistake means something bad.
As I mentioned before, my upbringing was very demanding. I went to two British schools where most of my teachers embodied and resembled the infamous Mrs. Trunchbull from the book or movie, Matilda.
Culturally, the combination of African and British influences on my upbringing meant that if you said the wrong thing, you would be corrected in a way that demeaned you and made you feel less than. Effort was only rewarded if it was followed with perfectionism and an A on your report card. This put a lot of pressure on me and I used to carry that weight for years.
Until I released the idea of saying and doing things the right way according to status quo and making other people happy. I am human and I will make mistakes. It doesn’t make me less worthy of being alive or living. It just means that I may need to find my way, learn a different way, grow, mature and/or do things differently.
I deserve the right to make mistakes. We all do.