Phoyo by Alcy Sivyer
I remember when I first came to realize the true meaning of forgiveness. I was watching a YouTube clip of an old Oprah ShowEpisode. On it, a guest of hers said that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.
These words moved me and I began to cry. I had held on to so many situations for my, then, 23 years of age. I had held on to some of the mean things that people had said to me as I battled with my relationship with food, I had held on to broken relationships between family members and former partners and, I had also held on to not feeling good enough for many years- whether it was through academia or personal life goals.
So, I set out to change it. I decided to forgive everything and everyone for the past with a thirty day forgiveness coupled with hot yoga. They went well; the only problem was that the most important person that I had forgotten to forgive was…ME!
I was living and creating my life and therefore, I needed to forgive myself or else I would continue to energetically attract past situations that I had previously created.
So, I got a pen and paper and began to write. As I wrote, tears started to stain the pages and smudge the printed lines.These were liberating tears, tears of relief and self-love. I started from the beginning, remembering the first time that I called myself fat and then, I forgave myself for being so hateful towards myself. I forgave myself for letting my self-hatred spread to others and then hating them too. I forgave myself for hurting others.
I moved on to forgiving myself for calling myself stupid, an idiot and previously not forgiving myself. Once I was done with that, I forgave myself for allowing people to treat me however they had wanted to. I forgave myself for letting an ex of mine cheat on me, a forgave myself for letting another ex disappear on me whenever he felt like it and then I forgave a former-ex for leaving me when I needed him the most. Yes, I forgave them but I also forgave myself. The forgiveness was coupled with a reminder to create boundaries for future reference so that these situations would never happen again.
I forgave myself for the self-blame that I had put myself through after my father left. I forgave myself for the self-label of unlovable when I looked at a mirror or saw my reflection. I forgave myself for doubting my ability to be strong, beautiful and courageous as the doubts were completely untrue.
Once I was done, I looked at my letter of self-forgiveness and saw a true accomplishment. I made a decision to leave that smudged and messy letter behind and move forward. Forward with love and carefor the person that I had been so hard on before.