Life is a great journey, it is the ultimate school and training ground for our spiritual well-being. The older that I get, the more and more that I see that. It is a journey worth living everyday and reflecting on. Naturally after recently ending a relationship with someone, I have decided to make this journey one of introspection and ask myself how I can learn and grow from this experience.

Instead of being bitter (which I have been tempted to be), I choose love. With that comes gratitude, acknowledgement and a commitment to know better so that next time I can do better. This time, my lesson has been clear, I do not have to take on or be with someone who comes with baggage.

When I was young and immature, I used to think that I could be in a relationship with anyone because I lacked boundaries. However, as I get older, I now see that just because I love someone, it doesn’t mean that I have to be with them. Relationships are not charity, we are all deserving of our own boundaries in them.

As I have re-discovered and established my boundaries, I have come to question whether I can be in a relationship with someone who has kids already. I have done it three times now and it is not to be taken lightly because it comes with complications.

Here are 3 Things that I wish I had known before I dated someone with kids:

1. You will feel like the third wheel at times.

When someone decides to have kids, they make them their priority- as they should! So, if you date someone who has decided to do the right thing and put their child first, you will not always be their main focus in your relationship.

If you decide to be with someone who has children, know that there will be times when your relationship will not be priority and you need to be okay with that. It is not selfish to admit that you would like your relationship with the person you love to be put first. However, if the person has kids, this will not always be the case. It is not a test of your security levels about yourself if you feel neglected, you are human and if you are not comfortable with this, you don’t have to be.

2. You will have to deal with the person that they had kids with, in one way or another.

I haven’t always met the children of the men that I have dated. However, there is a certain energy that people with children have. It can be very attractive because, to me, there is something intriguing about stability and when someone has the urge to be a Father.

Along with that energy can come the ghost of the person that they used to be with: whether you have to see their former partner or not. This feeling can be intimidating to someone new in the relationship because you will never know if they are completely done with each other or they are genuinely over their past. Regardless, it comes with some weight which can be transformed into baggage if it becomes dramatic and immature.

If you are okay with unexpected drama that is out of your control and the person you are dating still being attached to the person that they used to be with for the rest of their lives, then go for it! But, if you aren’t, this might not be for you.

3. It is the ultimate relationship test.

Just like I had mentioned prior, there is an energy about someone who has kids and is a good parent, it is endearing and attractive. Seeing how someone loves their own kids can make you want to have your own with them.

And then reality sets in, are they willing to have more children? Will their kids be happy with you and the new family you create with your partner? How will their former partner respond to you now being in the picture?

These are all valid questions to ask because you are going to live with the consequences if you don’t. Everyone is deserving of unconditional love but that doesn’t mean that you have be in a relationship with them if your boundaries are pushed too far. It is normal to not want to date people with kids, don’t be hard on yourself if you choose not to.