If you had asked me when I was a kid, I would tell you that by my age I would have had at least two kids and have been married for a while. That is clearly not the case but I am very happy with how things have occurred.

Sometimes when I look at Facebook and see some of my High School peers, friends or family members have kids, a part of me questions why I don’t have that yet. And then I remember that it is my choice. Even though I have almost gotten married twice and almost had the opportunity to have a child, I am more than happy to be where I am today because I know that I would’ve regretted it with anyone I have been with before.

Here are 3 reasons why I waited to get married and have kids:

1. I wasn’t ready.
I have a vivid memory of the first time I spoke about marriage with someone who I was dating. At that time, I didn’t believe in marriage and my boyfriend at the time told me that he would need to marry me to stay in the country. Somehow I almost fell for it until I found out that he had been lying to me and already had papers to stay in The US but was tricking me into this lifelong commitment.

When I ended it, I did so because I felt lied to and betrayed. Just thinking of this makes me laugh at how I dodged a bullet. Mostly because I wasn’t ready. Although I was perplexed about why he would try to force me into marriage, I made a vow to only marry someone that I could see the rest of my life with and not someone who had to lie to me to get me to say yes. But, with someone who warrants my yes as I do theirs.

2. When I walk down the aisle, I only want to do it once.
I am a child of divorce and I don’t want to get divorced. I am traditional in that way. This is no shade to anyone who has gone through one but I want to make sure that I give my marriage my all and that divorce is not a way out. It’s one of the main reasons that I have taken my time because I want to know that the person I have chosen will stick around through thick and through thin, as I will with them.

Many of us, particularly women, have been conditioned to talk about what would go wrong in a marriage. Actually, when I was planning to get married (out of the two times), I received a lot of unsolicited advice from older women who imposed themselves on my relationship with phrases like, ‘Make sure you have a secret stash of money saved for emergencies’, ‘Always have a plan B’ and, ‘Make sure that you know what he does with his money and that your name is on everything.’

Most of this advice came from what went wrong in their relationships and they projected that onto me and mine. I always refused it, of course! Because when I get married, it will be between me and my husband. Other people’s comments will not live rent-free in my head. I want to be present in all relationships that I have; not living in fear.

The whole point of a union is joining together with someone. We can’t do that if we are listening to how other people’s unions have gone wrong or living based on their fears. That is the ultimate remedy for a bad marriage.

3. When I do it, I want to do it right. I have gotten it wrong many times so I know what that feels like. I have faith when I get it right, I will feel the difference between how it was then and how it will be. I have faith that good things come to those who wait, always and forever.

After a bad break-up, 5 years ago, I made a promise to only marry and make a lifelong commitment to someone who makes it known. I used to date and entertain men who made half-commitments and created theatrics of the future but when it came down to it, they were not ready or there for me.
The vow that I made to myself was that I will listen to red-flags and not take them personally but make space for someone who is ready for a lifelong-commitment and acts as though they are. I owe it to myself, my future husband and my future children to expect to do it right so that we are already one step ahead.