Written by Hali Tsotetsi. Image from Unsplash.
One of the biggest gifts was just gifted to me. I recently discovered through the collapse of a friendship the way that I respond to how people love me.
Although I have spent years healing from childhood trauma and other events in my life, I am constantly on the journey of progression and that requires taking inventory of how and why we do what we do.
I lost a close friend but I gained one of the biggest lessons. It is that I don’t have to over-give or over-love to be accepted or be lovable.
Here are 3 Ways that I have healed (and am still healing) my attachment issues:
1. By letting go of fear.
As I previously mentioned, I have been in and out of therapy for many years. I have no shame about this because it has taught me so much about myself and how I respond to situations. Mostly that my healing is up to me.
As a child of divorce, I have always felt a deep hole when my parents separated and things just weren’t the same. Yes, it is in the past but trauma in our childhood shapes us and how worthy we feel of deep love and connection.
Recently, in one of my therapy sessions, I had a memory of when I was a kid and trying to get ahold of my parents over the phone. It would ring and ring, at that moment I felt like I would never see my parents again. This created a deep fear in me. One that at anytime I could lose people who were close to me.
This created an anxious attachment-style within me. Where I would over-love and give for fear that I would be left the same way that I felt like my parents had left me (at times) when I needed them.
My inner-child gets triggered when people that I love don’t reply to my messages or disregard my feelings. Through healing, I can recognize her and communicate to her that things are different this time. I can be there for her and she doesn’t need to fear. She is worthy of love and I remind her of that.
2. Letting go of the need to prove myself.
As someone with a need to prove herself, it sometimes attracts people who come into my life who can tell this about me. I am the kind of person who gives a lot to everything that I do. However, sometimes it’s to the point that I forget about my needs and wants.
I come from an African background and I went to a British School where performance and excellence was expected from me, at all times. This kind of pressure instilled a fear in me that I was not enough and no matter how hard I tried, I had to try harder or no one would like/ love me.
This kind of mentality is damaging and, until it is healed, doesn’t end well. As I have healed, I remind myself that I am a working progress. I don’t have to be perfect to be loved. All that I have to do is be a vessel of love. Be kind, be compassionate and mean well. The rest is out of my hands.
3. Set clear boundaries for people who do not reciprocate my actions towards them.
As I previously mentioned, I recently let go of a friendship where I felt like I gave more than I received. My therapist has given me reasons as to why he responded to my love the way that he did but that is his journey. Mine is that I have learned that if someone doesn’t receive my love or love-oriented actions, they do not deserve to be in my life.
It is in my nature to give a lot and I am not saying that I hold grudges for those who don’t reciprocate but I deserve relationships that are mutual. I have learned that support and reciprocity is important. I don’t want to be (or do I deserve to be) in partnerships where I feel alone.
I am worthy of receiving love as much as I give it out.