Growth is a natural part of life and as we mature, hopefully, we are learning more about ourselves and others. With that knowledge, we can decide to take with us what is value and what is not valuable for the next phase of our life.

Although I am an adult, I never want to stop learning because that keeps me accountable and open to what life has to offer.

With that openness, I can be transparent about behavior that I have grown out of. Here are 3 belief systems that I have grown out.

1. A victim’s mindset.

Having grown up in a post-Apartheid South Africa as a black girl, I was expected to be a victim. And, that’s what I became for many years. I would blame my failures on white people and men.

This lack of accountability led me down the path of many more failures because I didn’t want to look at the common denominator: me! But, once I did, I could take control of my life and deal with the consequences of my actions.

I learned to look at how I behave and how I can succeed and not blame it on a particular race or gender. I am in control of my life.

2. To control the uncontrollable.

The irony in my former victim mindset is that growing up, I developed severe anxiety. As a child of divorce and being the middle-child, I felt a lot of burden to carry everyone’s weight and found that no one was there for me. Yes, this sounds dramatic but this belief system caused me to want to perfect and control as much as I could.

Until, I ended up in a relationship that was so disastrous that I had to be honest with myself. I learned though being with him that I cannot control people and certain things. And, that it is not always up to me to fix things. Not everyone and everything is fixable and I need to start healing and owning myself instead of trying to do that for others.

3. That I have to be married and have children by a certain age.

When I was younger, I wanted to be a young mother. Now, as time has passed i glad that I didn’t before because I was not ready. I had to release belief systems and heal from my childhood trauma so that I don’t continue cycles.

One day, I will have a healthy family filled with love and joy. But, it had to take me healing to have that and end cycles of feminine victimhood and toxicity. It’s not as important how old I am when I have children as much as being able to provide them with a financially and emotionally stable environment to grow up in.