A month ago, I cut off my ex-boyfriend. It had gotten to the point where I could no longer have him in my life. Even though, we had been broken up for almost six months and I had moved on from our relationship, it was clear that he still wanted to be my partner again. And, would do ‘anything’ (as he phrased) to make it happen.

Once I severed ties with him, I promised to no longer speak about him or anything other than the many lessons that I learnt from what we had together. I naïvely thought that he would understand but, I had forgotten that my ex-partner had narcissistic tendencies. In fact, I believe that he is a narcissist. *Please refer to my article about falling in love with a narcissist in our love section.

As I move on with my life, he is doing everything in his power to keep me engaged in his life and whereabouts. However, as a true Aquarius, when I have moved on from a romantic relationship, there is no turning back.

I know that I can’t turn back the clock, I wouldn’t want to. And, I promised not to speak about it. However, I believe that I am meant to pass on this information to someone who needs it.

Here are 3 things that I wish I’d known before I dated a narcissist:

1. Love is not a competition or a fight.

I’m a very competitive person and believe in doing my best; however, some situations are not about winning or losing. Especially when it comes to love. When I first started dating my former partner, he told me that he would win me over. I thought that it was peculiar because I wasn’t interested in anyone else. But, he thought and believed otherwise. If he wasn’t fighting someone else who he believed to be interested in me, he would fight me about my freedom and aggressively ask me where I had been when I hadn't seen him for a few hours. I noticed a deep desire in him to win at all costs, even if it meant fighting me in the process. To this day, he is still at war with me and the decision that I have made to no longer be with him. But, that is not true love. Pure love understands and acknowledges that if someone is meant for you, you won’t have to fight for it. Putting forward effort and fighting are two different things.

2. Actions speak louder than words.

Even though I have heard this saying over a dozen times, it is hard to fathom what it truly means. In a culture that puts romance on a pedestal, it is hard to understand if someone is being authentic in what they say or it is for show. I thought that my ex was putting forward actions by his grandiose gestures: writing songs about me, posting billboards and proclaiming how he couldn’t live without me. Little did I know, he had no intention of putting in effort because that would mean doing something that wasn’t revolved around him. And, with narcissists, their World is all about themselves.

I got tired of hearing the same story of how he would change, go to therapy and move forward from his selfish behaviour. At the end of it, I understood that it is worth it for him and his success to live the life that he is living. It had nothing to do with me.

3. It’s not personal.

A few friends have sent me a very public break-up that he had with his ex-girlfriend a decade ago. I had previously avoided reading it because I don’t like to judge people based on their past; however, a lot of what she claims happened to her is what he is currently trying to do to me. He is spreading negative words about my character, what I did to him and has even wished death upon me. Sounds dramatic, I know! Because narcissists can’t handle rejection. I have decided to take the good and move forward regardless. His behaviour is not about me and if I reciprocate it back to him, I will look crazier than he does. Unfortunately, we live in a society that when a woman speaks her truth, she is awful but when a man does the same, it is his truth. Not always, but most of the time.

I have learnt that there is no need to fuel fire. He can think and tell people that I am the worst person alive but I know in my heart that I am a kind soul. Knowing who I am and what I stand for is protection against any form of un-necessary negativity.