Hali Tsotetsi

Dear W, everything is perfect.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

Dear W, 


Nothing is wrong. Everything is meant to be exactly the way that it is. 


When I decided to leave, I was angry. I was pissed. I felt betrayed. I felt hurt. I felt like I should’ve seen it coming. I asked myself how I could’ve given you a chance? 


Th answer to all these questions is that it was all supposed to happen. Everything is perfect. 


Thank for you for the lessons. In our relationship, I have learnt what true equality means, that money & fame are not everything, that I am enough and worthy of love, I learnt that if anyone makes me feel less-than in a relationship, they are not worth holding onto and, ultimately, I learnt that peace is the most important thing in This World to me. 


Thank you for reminding me that it takes two healthy people to make a relationship work, that if someone tries to make me feel insecure it is an extension of their own insecurities and, that no one is worth chasing after. 


I tried to hate you but hate looks ugly on me. I choose freedom and in that freedom, I forgive you. 


In the words of Maya Angelou, ‘Forgiveness means, I am done with you.’- mentally, physically and spiritually.

Estoy Listo.

public.jpeg

Estoy listo

Listo para enfrentar este mundo sin ti.

Estoy comenzando un nuevo capítulo que es mío.

Y, en este libro no hay incorrecto ni correcto.

Entonces, déjame hacer lo que necesito hacer.

‘Porque no quiero hacer nada parecido a lo que haces.

Estoy listo para ser libre.

Estoy listo para ser yo.

¿Y qué? Pensaste que podrías arruinar mis planes.

Y destruye todas las emociones que tengo.

Estoy tan contento de que fueras malo.

Para poder ver todas las cosas que he visto.

Entonces, déjame hacer lo que necesito hacer.

‘Porque no quiero estar cerca de lo que haces.

Estoy listo para enfrentar todos mis miedos.

Estoy listo para ser yo.

I’m ready

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

I’m ready 

Ready to face this World without you. 


I’m starting a new chapter that is mine. 

And, in this book there’s no wrong or right. 


So, leave me to do what I need to do. 

‘Cause I don’t want to do anything close to what you do. 


I’m ready to be free. 

I’m ready to be me. 


So what? You thought you could ruin my plans. 

And, destroy all the emotions that I have. 


I’m so glad that you were mean. 

So that I could see all the things that I’ve seen. 


So, leave me to do what I need to do. 

‘Cause I don’t want to be anything close to what you do. 


I’m ready to face all of my fears. 

I’m ready to be me. 



Izizathu ezi-4 zokuthi kungani kuyisikhathi sokwakha i-paradigm entsha yobudlelwano ngokususelwa othandweni nasekuhloniphe.

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Isitombe se-Unsplash

Noma ngingumuntu othanda amasiko athile, angiyena fan wokuqhubeka namasiko angabasizi futhi abaqinisayo. Njengomuntu osecishe washada kabili futhi wabuza ezinye izikhathi ezimbalwa kunalokho, ngokweqiniso angiqinisekile ukuthi ngizoshada. Engikulungele.

Isikhathi esiningi lapho ngikusho lokhu ngokuzwakalayo kumuntu othile, baphendula ngokuthi, 'Ungasho njalo!' - kungathi ukungashadi kuyisiqalekiso. Uma ngingowesifazane ongashadi, ngikulungele lokho ngoba izindinganiso zomlingani engifuna ukushada naye ziphakeme. Futhi, uma ngingatholanga umuntu ohlangabezana nalokho okulindelwe kule nkathi yokuphila, ngingcono ngaphandle kwalokho.

Ngisanda kukhunjuzwa ngokwenzeka lapho sihlala futhi sinikela ngaphezu kwalokho esikutholayo, sikhathala. Bengikhathele kakhulu ubudlelwano bami bokugcina, okwamanje, angisakwazi nokukhuluma naye. Umcabango wokumbona uyangixosha. Kepha akuyena yedwa okufanele asolwe. Ngihambisane nemicabango yami nenhlalonhle ejwayelekile ngenxa yesiko. Okungukuthi, angisoze ngakwenza futhi.

Nazi izizathu ezine zokuthi kungani sidinga ukudala i-paradigm entsha yobudlelwano ngokusekelwe othandweni nasekuhlonipheni:

1. Iparadigm endala yobudlelwano ayisebenzi.

Ngaphandle kokuthi uhlala emhumeni, kufanele wazi ukuthi sigcwala kanjani ngamahlebezi osaziwayo noma imibhangqwana eyaziwayo ehlukana.

Ngokwalokho engikubonile nengibonile, ezimeni eziningi, indoda ikopela umuntu wesifazane futhi kufanele anqume ukuhlala noma ukuhamba. Impendulo ejwayelekile kulokho ukuthi, 'Amadoda azoba amadoda.' Yiliphi isiko lakudala. Umbono wokuthi umuntu angakwazi ukuguqula ngokususelwa ekukhulisweni kwakhe awunangqondo. Ngoba uma umuntu emthanda ngokweqiniso omunye, bayovuka babe ngumuntu ongcono kumlingani wakhe noma bavumele omunye wabo obalulekile ukuthi athole omunye umuntu ongeke aqhubeke nokubalimaza. Ngiqedile ukuzwa, 'abafana bazoba ngabafana' noma 'amadoda akopela' ngoba lokho kwehlisa kuphela amazinga wohlobo lwabantu okufanele sifise ukuba yilo. Abantu abahloniphayo futhi badala ukuthula ezimpilweni zabanye.

2.Izindima zobulili ziyaphela.

Akumele ube ongashisi kanambambili ukubona ukuthi umbono wakudala wobudlelwano bendoda nowesifazane awusebenzi. Sake sathengiswa isithombe- somndeni ophelele wendoda sibona owesifazane amthandayo futhi amenza owakhe. Owesifazane ube esechitha ubudlelwane emgcina noma ephoqa ukuthi ashintshe. Lokho kwaba ubuhlobo bami bokugcina. Futhi, engikufundile ukuthi konke kuyisihibe. Kuyindlela nje yokugcina idrama nezinkinga ezungezile ngoba othile uzohlala ecasule enye. Engihlangabezane nakho ngokuba yisimo sothando esinjengalesi, ukuthi izindlela ezilinganayo zilingana. Ubudlelwano obuphilile buthuthukisa ukulingana nenhlonipho, hhayi ukuthi ngubani onemali ethe xaxa, othola izingane, owaziwa kakhulu, owenza okuningi noma owazalwa owesilisa noma owesifazane. Zisuselwa othandweni nasekuhlonipheni.

3. Ukwethemba kufanele kufike ngaphambi kokuvikelwa.

Uma ngikhuluma nabantu abaningi ngobudlelwano, ngiphatheka kabi. Kuyangiphatha kabi ukuthi iningi labantu lingena ebudlelwaneni noma emishadweni lilindele okubi kakhulu futhi lidinga ukuzivikela. Ngake ngaba khona phambilini, lapho ngangesaba ukuthi izinto zizolunga nomuntu engimthanda kakhulu. Ngenxa yalokhu kwesaba, ngizamile ukulawula omunye umuntu ukuthi bazohlala bekhona. Ukudlala imidlalo yengqondo, ukwenza izinto ezingaqondakali, ukuza nokuhamba futhi nokuba nohlobo oluthile lwendlela yokuthola ithuba lokuthola umuntu othile ngoba uma ngikhethe ukubathanda, lapho-ke ngikufanele ukubuyisa okuthile. Lokhu kucabanga kunobuthi futhi kuncike ekubambaneni. Lapho sithanda ukuba nodonga lwethu luphakame, omunye umuntu ngeke akwazi ukungena endlini yethu. Kwesinye isikhathi sibeka izindonga phezulu kakhulu size singaboni nokuthi simvalele kanjani omunye umuntu ongakolunye uhlangothi. Ukunqoba yonke injongo yobudlelwano. Ngeke sithande ngaphandle kokuthembela. Uma kungekho ukwethenjwa, alukho uthando.

4. Ubudlelwano bumayelana nobumbano nokwakha inyunyana.

Ubudlelwano bami bokugcina bungifundise izinto eziningi kepha iningi lingifundise ukuthi uma ubumbano kungeyona inhloso, alikho iphuzu lokuthi uzoba nomunye umuntu. Okungukuthi, kungani ngashiya. Ngithathe isinqumo sokuhamba ngoba ngangizizwa ngingedwa kakhulu kunokuthi ngibe nomuntu. Ngemuva kokuba ngihambile, ngaba ne-epiphany, uma othile engithanda ngokweqiniso, kungani bangafuni ukuba nobunye nami? Futhi, uma kungenjalo, alikho iphuzu lokuba nabo. Ukuba nomuntu akufanele uzizwe sengathi ulwa naye ngokungaguquki, kufanele uzizwe sengathi umuntu okhethe ukuba naye ungasohlangothini lwakho; hhayi empini nawe.

4 Reasons why it’s time to create a new paradigm of relationships, based on respect and love.

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

Even though I am a fan of certain traditions, I am not a fan of continuing traditions that are not helpful and stifling. As someone who has almost been married twice and asked a few more times than that, I honestly am not sure that I will get married. Which I am okay with. 


Most of the time when I say this out loud to someone, they react with, ‘Don’t say that!’- as though not being married is a curse. If I am a woman who never gets married, I am okay with that because the standards of the partner that I want to marry are high. And, if I don’t meet someone who meets those expectations in this lifetime, I am better without it. 


I was recently reminded of what happens when we settle and give way more than we get, we become exhausted. I was so exhausted by my last relationship that, at this point, I can’t even speak to him anymore. The thought of seeing him tires me out. But he is not the only one to blame. I went against my intuition and general well-being for the sake of tradition. Which, I will never do again. 


Here are 4 reasons why we need to create a new paradigm of relationship based on love and respect:


1. The old paradigm of relationships is not working. 

Unless you live in a cave, you must be aware of how we are bombarded with gossip about celebrities or well-known couples breaking up. 
From what I have seen and experienced, in most cases, the man cheats on a woman and she has to decide to stay or leave. The usual response to that is, ‘Men will be men.’ Which is an old tradition. The idea that someone can’t change based on their upbringing is absurd. Because if someone truly loves another, they will rise up and and become a better person for their partner or allow their significant other to find someone else who will not continue to hurt them. I am done hearing, ‘boys will be boys’ or ‘men cheat’ because that only lowers the standards of the kind of people that we should want to be. People who are respectful and create peace in each others’ lives. 


2. Gender roles are fading

You don’t have to be non-binary to see that the old idea of man & woman relationship is not working anymore. We were once sold the picture- perfect family of a man seeing a woman who she loves and making her his. The woman then spends the relationship keeping him or forcing him to change. That was my last relationship. And, what I learnt is that it’s all a trap. It’s just a way to keep drama and problems around because someone will always resent the other. What I experienced in being a romantic circumstance like this, is that equal means equal. Healthy relationships thrive on equality and respect, not who has more money, who is having the kids, who is more well-known, who does more or who was born a male or female. They are based on love and respect. 


3. Trust should come before protection

When I speak to a lot of people about relationships, I get sad. It saddens me that most people are entering relationships or marriages expecting the worst and needing to protect themselves. I have been there before, where I was scared that things would go wrong with someone that I dearly loved. As a result of this fear, I have tried to control the other person so that they would always be around. Playing mind games, acting mysterious, coming&going and having some kind of way to have leverage over someone because if I have chosen to love them, then I have deserved something in return. This thinking is toxic and co-dependent. When we love with our walls up, the other person can’t come into our house. Sometimes we put up walls so high that we can’t even see how we have closed off the other person who is on the other side. Defeating the whole purpose of a relationship. We cannot love without trusting. If there is no trust, there is no love.


4. Relationships are about unity and creating a union. 

My last relationship taught me many things but mostly taught me that if unity is not the goal, there is no point in being with someone else. Which, is why I left. I made a decision to leave because I felt more alone than actually with someone. After I left, I had an epiphany, if someone truly loves me, why would they not want to be in union with me? And, if they don’t, there is no point in being with them. Being with someone should not feel like you are fighting with them consistently, you should feel like the person you have chosen to be with is on your side; not in battle with you. 



Ngizosebenzisa kanjani iMithetho yama-Karma engu-12 emphakathini wami wokuphola, ubudlelwano nokusebenzisana.

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Isitombe se-Unsplash

Angikaze ngijabule kakhulu ukuba ngingashadile. Ngangivame ukuba nomqondo wokuthi ukungashadile kusho ukulinda 'owodwa'. Kodwa, kulo mzuzwana empilweni yami, ukungashadile (kimi) kusho ukuthanda nokuziqhenya. Abanye bangabiza lokhu ukuziqhenya; Kodwa-ke, ukuze sikwazi ukutshala izimali kwabanye, kumele sitshale kwabanye, kuqala.

Ubudlelwane, kuhlanganise nalabo ngokwethu, kudinga ukutshalwa kwezimali, isikhathi nokuhlonipha. Konke okunye, asikwazi ukunikeza abanye uma singabanikezi thina.

Ngalokho kuthiwa, ukuqhubekela phambili, ngizosebenzisa I-12 Imithetho yeKarma ukuze ngithandane, ubudlelwane nomndeni nabangani kanye nokusebenzisana kokuphila kwesikhathi esizayo:

• UMthetho Omkhulu. Noma yini esiyibeka ku-Universe izobuya kithi.

Uma sisobala, siqotho, sinothando futhi sihlonipha ngezinhloso zethu, khona-ke (ikakhulukazi) ngakho abanye bazosizungezile.

• Umthetho wokuthobeka. Omunye kumele amukele okuthile ukuguqula.

Amafulege abomvu mayelana nokuziphatha komuntu akugcini nje ukunyamalala ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, kumele ngiwamukele futhi nginqume ukuqhubeka nobuhlobo noma cha.

 • Umthetho wemfanelo. Kumelwe sithathe umthwalo wemfanelo kulokho okusemandleni ethu.

Ukuba nobuhlobo obunzima noma ebuhlotsheni nomuntu oqhubeka engangideleli kubonisa lokho engikucabanga ngami. Uma ngikholelwa ukuthi ngifanele ukuhlonishwa, ngeke ngamukele noma ngibekezelele ukungabi nhlonipho.

 

• Umthetho lapha futhi manje. Asikwazi ukubukeka njengamanje uma sibheka emuva.

Noma yikuphi okunye okuhamba nathi esikhathini esizayo kuyisinqumo sethu. Uma ngibambelele emithwalweni, leso sithwala siza nami. Uma ngifuna ngempela ukuyeka umlingani wangaphambili noma othile owangiphatha kabi, kudingeka ngibathethelele futhi ngiqhubeke nompilo yami.

• Umthetho wokubekezela nomvuzo. Imivuzo ebaluleke kakhulu idinga ukuphikelela.

Ubudlelwane buphathelene nokuzibophezela nsuku zonke nomzamo; hhayi ukugxuma esikhathini esizayo.

• Umthetho wendalo. Ukuphila akukwenzeki, kufanele sikwenze kwenzeke.

Njengembali noma isihlahla, ubuhlobo budinga ukukhulisa, ukubekezela nothando ukukhula.

• Umthetho wokukhula. Uma sishintsha ngokwethu, izimpilo zethu ziyashintsha futhi.

Uthando nenhlonipho livela ngaphakathi. Asikho isidingo sokuba ngikufune ngokujulile komunye umuntu.

• Umthetho wokuxhuma. Okudlule, okwamanje kanye nekusasa konke kuxhunyiwe.

Namuhla kungukuqala kwekusasa lami. Indlela engiphatha ngayo abanye futhi ngivumele abanye bangiphathe kuyoba nethonya ebuhlotsheni bethu nokuthi sixhuma kanjani esikhathini eside.

• Umthetho wokupha nokwamukela izihambi. Ukuziphatha kwethu kufanele kufane nemicabango kanye nezenzo zethu.

Uma ngithanda umuntu, izenzo zami namazwi kufanele afake lokhu. Uthando lunomusa, lubekezela futhi luhlonipha, amazwi ami nezenzo kufanele kube njalo, futhi.

• Umthetho wezinguquko. Umlando uyaziphindaphinda uze sifunde kuwo futhi sishintshe indlela yethu.

Uma ngichitha impilo yami kumuntu engiye ngazama ukuhlala naye kodwa engazange asebenze nayo, ngiphumile eMhlabeni wamathuba. Ngifanele ukuzinikela kakhulu kunamanje nesikhathi esizayo ngokuvumela ukuthi ubani engangiye naye ngaphambili, hamba.

• Umthetho wokubaluleka nokuphefumulelwa. Imivuzo iyiphumela eliqondile lamandla nomzamo esiwufaka kuwo.

Uma ngikholelwa ebuhlotsheni, ngizokunika amaphesenti ayikhulu. Ukunikeza abantu abaningi abayingxenye yami ukubeka ubuhlobo obuseduze kuze kube yilapho behlulekile ngoba angikhona ngokugcwele kulowo nalowo. Uma ngikholelwa esikhathini esizayo nomunye umuntu, ngizokunika konke.

How I will apply The 12 Laws of Karma to my dating life, relationships and partnerships.

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

I have never been so happy to be single. I used to have this idea that being single meant waiting for ‘the one’. But, at this moment in my life, being single (to me) means being in love with and appreciating myself. Some may call this self-conceited; however, to be able to truly invest in others, we must have invested in ourselves, first. 


Relationships, including the ones with ourselves, require investment, time and respect. All of which, we cannot give to others if we haven’t given them to ourselves. 


With that being said, moving forward, I will apply The 12 Laws of Karma to dating, relationships with family &friends and future life partnerships: 


•The Great Law. Whatever we put into The Universe will come back to us. 


If we are clear, sincere, loving and respectful with our intentions, then (most likely) so will others around us. 


•The law of humility. One must accept something to change it. 


Red flags about someone’s behaviour don’t just disappear over time, I must accept them and decide to continue the relationship or not. 


 •The law of responsibility. We must take responsibility for what is in our lives. 


Being in a dysfunctional relationship or in a relationship with someone who continues to disrespect me is a reflection of what I think about myself. If I believe that I am worthy of respect, then I won’t accept or tolerate disrespect. 

 

The law of here and now. We cannot be looking present if we are looking backwards. 


Whoever and whatever moves with us to the future is our choice. If I am holding onto baggage, that baggage is coming with me. If I truly want to let go of a former partner or someone who hurt me, I need to forgive them and move on with my life.


• The law of patience and reward. The most valuable rewards require persistence. 


Relationships are about daily commitment and effort; not jumping to the future. 


• The law of creation. Life does not happen, we have to make it happen. 


Just like a flower or tree, relationships require nurturing, patience and love to grow. 


• The law of growth. When we change ourselves, our lives change too. 


Love and respect comes from within. There is no need for me to desperately seek it from someone else. 


• The law of connection. The past, present and future all connected. 


Today is the beginning of my future. How I treat others and allow others to treat me will have an impact on our relationship and how we connect in the long term. 


• The law of giving and hospitality. Our behaviour should match our thoughts and actions. 


If I love someone, my actions and words should embody this. Love is kind, patient and respectful, my words and actions should be so, too. 


• The law of change. History repeats itself until we learn from it and change our path. 


If I spend my life on someone who I have already tried to be with but it didn’t work out with, I am missing out on a World of opportunities. I deserve to give myself the most of the present and the future by letting who I have been with before, go. 


• The law of significance and inspiration. Rewards are a direct result of the energy and effort that we put into it. 


If I believe in a relationship, I will give it a hundred percent. Giving many different people a part of me sets future relationships up for failure because I am not being fully present in each of them. If I believe in a future with someone, I will give it my all. 



Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto.

Imagen de Unsplash

Imagen de Unsplash

Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto.

Tendrá la forma de alguien que puede dejar de lado su orgullo.

Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto.

Comprenderá que el amor no es un juego porque en los juegos siempre hay un perdedor. Sin embargo, en el amor, las personas deben elevarse mutuamente.

Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto.

Ahora más que nunca creo que soy digno de ello.

Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto. Él me verá como un igual: no biológicamente, financieramente, materialista o emocionalmente. Pero soy su igual con respeto, consideración y amabilidad.

Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto.

Se arruinará porque es humano. Pero cuando lo haga, se disculpará, igual que yo haré lo mismo.

Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto.

Él ha puesto los juegos y juguetes infantiles para descansar y está listo para crear un reino (conmigo) que prospere.

Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto. Él respeta mi espacio y tiempo suficiente para dejar de lado la necesidad de ser lo que la sociedad dice que un hombre debería ser. Él trata a las mujeres con respeto.

Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto. Él se respeta a sí mismo, primero, y por lo tanto puede respetar a los demás también. Él entiende que el respeto no se da sino que se gana.

Tengo la esperanza de encontrar el amor verdadero y el respeto. Él está trabajando, tan duro como yo, para hacer de este mundo un lugar mejor para sus hijos, seres queridos y las generaciones venideras.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He will be in the form of someone who can let go of his pride. 


I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He will understand that love isn’t a game because in games, there is always a loser. However, in love, people should lift each other up. 


I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

I believe now more than ever that I am worthy of it. 


I have hope that I will find true love and respect. He will see me as an equal: not biologically, financially, materialistically or emotionally. But I am his equal with respect, consideration and kindness. 


I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He will mess up because he is human. But when he does, he will apologize- just as I will do the same. 


I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He has laid the childish games and toys to rest and is ready to create a kingdom (with me) that thrives. 


I have hope that I will find true love and respect. He respects my space and time enough to let go of the need to be what society says a man should be. He treats women with respect. 


I have hope that I will find true love and respect. He respects himself, first, and can therefore respect others as well. He understands respect is not given but earned. 


I have hope that I will find true love and respect. He is working, just as hard as I am, to make this World a better place for his children, loved ones and generations to come.