Hali Tsotetsi

3 Realizations that I recently made before I let someone go.

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I recently met someone who I had a strong romantic connection and attraction to. It began almost like a movie and I was impressed at how sincere he seemed when we met.

As with all things, time passes and things change. Even though, a part of me wishes that the beginning had stayed in my memory like a capsule that I could refer and smile to when I needed to look back on a good memory.

I’m not sure why meeting and being involved with person has had such a big impact but it has. And, although it did, I have recently had to let him go for various reasons.

Here are 3 realizations that I recently made before I let someone go:


1. Not everyone can stay with you forever.

This is a lifetime lesson that comes to me every now & then and, it hits me the hardest. We all have a tendency to want to hold on tightly something that we view as a treasure. However, I have had to remember that people can be special to us but they have free-will.

People change, grow and evolve. And, sometimes people grow apart. Not everyone will be around forever and it is okay to come to terms with that.

2. The beginning is sometimes the best part.

When I met this man, he approached me strongly in a very romantic way. I was impressed. He left an impression on me because I had been open to meeting someone who was kind and sincere, these qualities he seemed to embody.

Overtime, I saw that a lot of it was a facade and that as time passed he was not as kind and sincere as I thought. Even though we had an amazing beginning, things turned out to not be feasible in the long run- which is okay.

I got great memories and a huge growing experience from this. Sometimes that’s more valuable than a relationship.

3. I deserve to have healthy boundaries.

When things started to go South, I leaned on my inner strength to set boundaries. I began to see that he was telling me things about what he wanted and acting very differently. This is when I took it upon myself to be honest and set boundaries for myself moving forward.

As open as I had been in the beginning was no longer serving me when I didn’t feel safe anymore. We all deserve to feel like we are worth of having the healthiest, loving and reciprocal relationship that we can. If this is not working out, we have a right to let go it or the person that we are having it with.

Dear W, 8/6/2020

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Image from Unsplash

Dear W, 

I am sorry! I apologize for doubting you and for putting up a wall between us that was built with fear and judgement. 

I apologize for wanting you to change and be different when you are exactly who you are meant to be. 

I am sorry for telling everyone how awful you are and never telling you about the great times. All the great songs you wrote for me, the love you had for me and the friendship that you have always extended to me- even when I didn’t deserve it. 

I had forgiven you after we broke up to have power over you and now I forgive you to see you as you are, how God created you and exactly how you are meant to. 

I promise to never change you and accept you as you are. I love you. 

9 choses que je dirais à mes ex si je les voyais aujourd'hui.

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Image de Unsplash

Je suis célibataire depuis plus d'un an et ça a été magnifique. Je me vois m'installer et être dans un partenariat sacré, respectueux, honnête et rempli d'amour.

En repensant aux relations précédentes, je ne suis que reconnaissant. De temps en temps, j'ai des aperçus du passé des souvenirs qui me laissent avec un sourire sur mon visage.

Après tout, je reste avec une profonde gratitude.

Voici 9 choses que je dirais à mes ex:

1. Merci.

2. Vous m'avez aidé à grandir.

3. Vous m'avez aidé à apprendre à aimer.

4. Je suis ici aujourd'hui et je me suis transformé en partie grâce à vous.

5. Vous êtes aimé.

6. J'espère que vous avez tout l'amour et le bonheur que vous méritez.

7. Que tous vos souhaits se réalisent.

8. Je prie pour votre santé, votre bien-être et pour que vous continuiez à choisir l'amour.

9. Je vous ai pardonné comme je suis sûr que vous m'avez pardonné.

9 Things I would tell all my Exes if I saw them today.

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Image by Unsplash

I have been single for over a year and it has been splendid. I do see myself settling down and being in a partnership that is sacred, respectful, honest and filled with love. 

As I think back on previous relationships, I am only grateful. Every now and then I get glimpses of the past of memories that leave me with a smile on my face. After it all, I am left with deep gratitude. 

Here are 9 things that I would tell my exes

1. Thank you. 

2. You helped me grow. 

3. You helped me learn how to love. 

4. I am here today and have transformed partially because of you. 

5. You are loved. 

6. I hope you have all the love and happiness you deserve. 

7. May all your wishes come true. 

8. I pray for your health, your well-being and that you continue to choose love. 

9. I’ve forgiven you as I am sure you have forgiven me. 

3 Things I wish I knew before my parents went through a divorce.

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Image from Unsplash

Last year, I left an emotionally abusive relationship that triggered my deep healing. In general, I noticed a trend in my life that I attracted people who were around to take from me and often spoke unkind words to me in the process. I used to have this idea that once I became an enlightened person then everything would be fine. 

However, that is when the process of healing begins. Just like our body which is constantly healing, our spiritual and internal wellbeing out to be doing the same. 

So, I sought professional help,tapped, practiced yoga, prayed and meditated. All of which revealed to me that I had childhood trauma that wasn’t being addressed. And that I needed to go in. At this moment, I do not speak to both of my parents: one out of choice and the other not out of choice. However, it has been necessary in my healing process so that I could detach myself from who my parents want me to be and stand proud without un-necessary and unwanted pressures. 

Everything is hindsight and this is not to blame; it is to bring reflection. The voice of children in divorce is often silenced and I want to give these children, including my inner-child a voice. I would be lying if I said that my parents’ divorce was and amazing experience for me and that I believe they did the best that they could because I do not think that they did. 

Their actions are between them and God. I am merely here to tell you how I have healed and what I wish I’d known before they went through this process: 

1. Don’t take it personally. 

I don’t recall my parents having a sit-down with me about their separation and divorce. I was 5 years-old so I could have forgotten if they did. What came during the divorce process, hurt me immensely and what I don’t think most parents realize is that unintentional hurt can leave an imprint on children because it is often not thought of as something that acknowledged. And, only once we recognize something can we change it. 

Looking back at the times when their divorce was at it’s height and I would voice my concerns which were automatically shut down, it had nothing to do with me. As an adult, I see that my parents were at war with one another and didn’t see me as a child but as a way that they could be right and win at all costs. 

I spent a lot of time being angry that I wasn’t thought of while they decided to part ways but now I understand that it had nothing to do with me. Children are born into great and sometimes not so-great circumstances. It is not up to us to get involved in parental situations. We should be allowed to be kids when we are young. 

2. Don’t pick sides. 

I have recently forgiven myself for taking my Mother’s side and once I did, I asked myself why I felt the inclination to take her side? My answer is that as a society, Mother’s can do no wrong when I can count many times that mine did - just like most people. The difference; however, when a parent has wronged a child, there is no real platform for them to speak on it without that child receiving backlash and being told all the good that the parent does for the child. It creates a sense of guilt in children that is unfathomable. Because we have created a dynamic that parents are always right as long as you have a roof over your head and your bills are paid- we put emphasis on external wellbeing and not internal. 

After years of professional help, I can clearly see how one of my parents weaponized me against the other because they could. I spent a lot of time being angry at them and once I forgave them, it changed my perspective. They were growing, learning and, I happened to get caught in the mix. 

3. Parents have internal growth to do, too. 

I come from an African family and sometimes it can feel dysfunctional because we are raised that as long as you have a roof over your head and you go to the finest schools, you are loved. 

As an adult, I have had to re-learn true love. No conditions. You see, I grew up in a household that if I didn’t do what was told, I was ignored, punished and I could feel the lack of love instantly. Of course, kids are supposed to be punished, right? Yes, but what happens if the parent does wrong? Do they get punished? Who holds them accountable? 

If I were in my parents’ shoes, I am not sure how I would raise me how I was raised but I do know that with the information I have, I wouldn’t put another human being through what I went through because a child should always know they are loved and not feel like they have to walk on eggshells just because they are alive. 

There is a lot of input on how kids need to be raised but we leave out the conversation how parents need to grow up during the parental process, too. 

It’s time for parents to step up and stop making it seem like children asked to be born. Being alive is a gift, yes! But so is having a child, why were they had anyways?

3 Redefinitions of healthy love.

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Image from Unsplash

As most of you already know, I have had a cycle of unhealthy relationships. My last one ended last June with me realizing that I had some healing to do. I had gotten so used to being manipulated and emotionally abused by people that I loved that I had started believing the lies. Now, for all my women who think that only men can be manipulative, that is incorrect. All people have the capability of manipulation, lying and acting from an insincere place. 

If you need a refresher of my past, check out my former articles of how I released the last relationship which was the icing on the cake and when I decided to let go of people who speak to me and don’t listen, those who wait for me to do wrong in order to get back at me and, some who have seen my kindness for weakness. Not only in romantic relationships but also in family and friends. I am proud to say that I have created a healthy distance from abusive and manipulative people. I also forgive them because holding onto pain and mistreatment leads to more of it. 

Through this process of healing, I have learnt 3 redefinitions of healthy love: 

1. Letting go of perfection and fixing:

I have spent a lot of my life giving in. This stems from my childhood. I am a middle child from a divorced family and have always carried immense guilt, basically over nothing but being human, making mistakes and learning. Through my healing, memories of my childhood have come back and I had memories of my younger sibling and I fighting, like most kids do. My Mother’s response would be to get me to say sorry first because she said I was the elder and had more responsibility than my younger sibling. This conditioned me to always say sorry; even if I wasn’t in the wrong. I felt a deep burden to always be right and if someone had an issue with me, I would try to get them to like me. 

Recently, I found myself crying when I thought of one of these memories as I realized that I have taken on a role that I never wanted, ‘the fixer’. You see, fixing means correcting even it abandons my emotions and feelings to make things right. In other relationships, I became the friend everyone called on when they needed something but few reciprocated the same gesture, I became the girlfriend who would be cool in order to not rock the boat and, I became the family member who wanted to be seen as perfect because it was my responsibility no matter what the other person did to me. 

This role is heavy and often impossible to implement all the time. So, as I free myself of this role, I open myself up to relationships where I don’t need to fix anything and get back what I put out with feeling guilty about it. 

2. Healing emotional abusive patterns: 

Physical abuse is easy to spot but how about when someone chips away at your spirit or your soul for years and years? This creates cognitive dissonance- where your brain starts questioning if what was true is true. Which I suffered from for many years and as a result, I would attract abusive people into my life. I had such little self-esteem that I accepted unkind words and actions towards me because I thought that that person didn’t mean to or feared being left alone if I confronted them. 

Over the past decade, I have healed (and am still healing) the need to be in unhealthy dynamics to feel like I am loved. Love can be healthy and love can be kind, not all the time but most of the time. I am done excusing people who don’t honor my boundaries or acknowledge that I am human because I am willing to respect others’ boundaries and see people as human. 

3. Not being tied to another by force but by respect and kindness. 

I am no longer afraid to shed disrespectful people from my life. I come from an African family where we put immense pressure on one another because we are expected to always be around. It was recently that I decided to shift this thinking. If being around someone causes me anxiety, pain and hurt then I am out. I am not a martyr. I, just like those who are respectful, deserve to be respected. 

Last year, I read a book about narcissistic and empath relationships and it asked these questions, how do you leave each relationship that you have? Do you leave feeling fulfilled or drained? Do you leave feeling heard or unheard? Do you leave feeling go you the respect that you deserved? 

I had to answer that question with a lot of people around me because the answer was no. I had to start all over again, it felt like. Most of what I had learned about relationships was fake women empowerment disguised as manipulation and getting the ‘guy’ to see me and hear me at all costs. I had to re-learn that love isn’t about getting anyone to do anything, it just is. Now, when I don’t feel heard, noticed, respected or acknowledged over a period of time, I let that person know and if it continues, I create distance between the relationship and me because my focus is not on forcing; it is on acceptance, honesty and being present. 

Dear Daddy,

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

Dear Daddy, 

I am sorry. The older that I get, the more that I see how kind and loving you were to me. A part of me feels like I took it for granted and blamed you for things that you couldn’t control. 

I have memories of how much wisdom you gave me and I am forever grateful to have had a Father who held the bar high for me so that I always knew my worth. I spent too much time being angry at you (and men in general) for things that were out of your control and I only hurt myself. 

I’m sorry for fighting battles against you that weren’t mine to fight. 

You did enough for me and for that I am grateful. The older that I get, the more like you I see that I am. We both have been ridiculously hard on ourselves, we both love Gospel music, we both work hard and we both believe in the good in everyone- even when we shouldn’t sometimes.

I hope that I marry a man who is as good of a person as you are and who embodies many of your qualities. 

Thank you for everything you did for me and thank you for never asking for anything back. You have always shown me unconditional love and I love you. 

Yours truly, 

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3 Things that I have learnt about healing as a child of divorce.

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Image from Unsplash

I would be lying to you if I told you that our parents aren’t the biggest shapers in our lives. I would also be lying to you if I told you that we ever really heal from trauma that occurs when we see our parents interacting with one another because that is the first romantic relationship that we will see and leaves an imprint on us for the rest of our lives. 

As like with other families, as much love and warmth there is; there is also hurt, resentment, jealousy and anger in mine. Which can be equated to love vs. fear. And, most of us struggle with loving because we are in a constant state of fear. Passed down from generation-to-generation. At some point, we have to take responsibility for our lives and set healthy boundaries for ourselves and others. 

On my journey of healing which actively started a decade ago, I have learnt over-and-over that life is about healing. We are not meant to be perfect because perfection is a façade. True healing is from bringing the broken pieces into whole. And, most of that comes from being honest because once we acknowledge something, we can match our actions to that. 

So, in the spirit, of honesty, here is what I have learnt about healing through the eyes of a child of divorce: 

1. Forgiveness is key. 

I recently lashed out at some loved ones in my family and I could spend my life blaming them. However, that would be unfair to me and to them. You see, becoming whole doesn’t mean that we won’t fall down but it means that we get back up. And, when we have gotten back up, we can look back and forgive. Forgive ourselves, others and the situation. Which, I am in the process of doing. 

We are multi-faceted beings and sometimes a part of us is brought up by a situation that we might not have thought was possible but that moment doesn’t define us, it is a stepping stone to real healing and progression. For when we are truthful, that is when we can move forward. Sometimes making a mistake will show us what we need to work on. 

This moment showed me the role that I play. The one of perfect as a result of being a child of divorce. You see, all kids take on a persona which becomes our way of surviving. Mine was, act perfect and have everything together so that life can be perfect and things won’t fall apart. It put immense pressure on me and I cracked. When I cracked, I decided to redefine how I had approached life and people in my life. And, who is coming with me along the way forward.

2. You can’t force people to change

I grew up in an African family where pride helps us keep our last name in dignity. That idea comes with many great qualities. It has taught me to keep going no matter what, to always look as good as I can and to give off a persona of strength even if I am not strong on the inside. But, with all facades comes the negative. Related to the pride, I have always felt the need to take on more than was expected of me because I felt like if I didn’t, I wasn’t doing enough and ultimately, wasn’t enough. I noticed a pattern in relationships that I would be as perfect as I could so that they would never leave. Sacrificing myself to be loved and when I wasn’t, I would flip and get upset. 

I have learnt and am practicing that when you love someone, you don’t want them to mess up, for the relationship to be over or manipulate them into never leaving you or being who you want them to be because then we are never really present. I have accepted that just because I love someone doesn’t mean that they have to be in my life or love me back. I can love them from far away especially if being around them is not healthy. I don’t need to hold on to anyone for the idea of perfection or that I have everything together. I don’t have it all together and I am not meant to- that is the journey of life.

3. My parents did enough. 

I once heard one of my mentors say that he believes his parents did their best and I would be lying to you if I agreed that mine did because I think there is always room for growth within us. However, I have come to see that my parents have done enough for me. As a society, we give our parents power and sometimes, too much power. For they are human just like us and when we are children, it is hard to hold them accountable. 

A lot of my healing is about accepting that I didn’t have a voice when I was child because there is only so much a minor can say without fear of being kicked out, not loved or feeling like they aren’t enough. We create co-dependent relationships in our families by thinking that they have to agree with everything we say and do but love is not about agreeing. Bringing love into a situation means peace. And, sometimes the best way to maintain peace is to forgive and move on with your life with or without people you have depended on before. 

Many of us look at our parents as our leaders and become heartbroken when they aren’t because we expect perfection from those who take the lead. But, we forget that sometimes leaders come into our lives just to show us how not to do things. Parent to children relationship is no different to take that example. 

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3 Redefinitions of unconditional love.

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Image from Unsplash

Like most of us, I was raised in a household of conditions disguised as discipline and claiming to want the best for me. After years of therapy, relationships and applying what I have learnt towards life, I have learnt how detrimental conditional love is to anyone. It’s the kind of love that if you do for me, I love you and if you don’t, I hate you. It’s the kind of love that holds onto secrets and withholds the truth because we are afraid that if we are honest, we won’t be loved anymore. 

I am grateful for every experience and I carry that same energy to my upbringing. I have been able to learn that love doesn’t start when I disagree with someone, that is when it begins. I haven’t always been the master of it and I am still learning this notion. But one quote about unconditional love by Maya Angelou has always stuck with me. It is, ‘Love liberates. It doesn’t hold. I love you whether you are in Tokyo or next to me.’ 

This doesn’t mean that I have to accept your behaviour or have you in my life to love you. Sometimes people are meant to be loved from afar. 

Here are 3 redefinitions of unconditional love: 

1. You are who you are meant to be, not by success standards but in creation. 

I am a woman and as one, I can see that we have a lot to work on. Particularly about the need to make others just like us, or else we will not accept it. I noticed that I did this with a long-term relationship I was in with someone who was going through a divorce. I felt like he had to be in my life and act exactly how I needed him to, or I wouldn’t love him. I was loving him with conditions. 

One day, I was crying in a park and wondering why he didn’t love me and having this deep need for him to love me. It hurt so much. I looked at a tree so peaceful and serene, and understood that I was creating my own suffering. I developed a thought in my mind that he will be who he is and I will always love him but I don’t have to hate him. It has taken years of practicing this about him but today I can say that I think so fondly of him and I wish him the best with his life. He doesn’t have to be in my life to love him. I love him anyway. 

2. I am not the authority on how someone should live their life. 

I have a secret fear of having children and raising them to think like me or I won’t love them, like I have been shown. I believe in individualism. I had a thought the other day that many parents run houses as the authority, which would appear to be correct. However, in that thinking, we can stifle a child’s potential. 

Being a parent is not easy and I think one of the most challenging things to accept is that your child appears to be an extension of you but isn’t. They are their own person. We can teach our children our own ideals but, ultimately, it is up to them to learn and grow for themself. When we want people to think and act like us for our love, that is conditional love. Unconditional love says you think the way you do, you act the way that you want and you do what you want to do but I still love you. I don’t have to force you to be like me because I might not know everything and you might not either. 

3. ‘Love is unconditional but relationships have conditions.’ 

I heard this quote this morning and I couldn’t agree more. I have recently decided to let go of some people in my life because I don’t feel like they are healthy for the growth and perpetuate the idea of one-sided communication. It is okay to have boundaries and once those are infringed upon, it is okay to no longer have that person if your life.’ But they deserve the benefit of the doubt beforehand and if you have tried and it doesn’t work, then free yourself of that situation. 

Love is not a contract based on what you think, what you like or how you behave. A lot of people that I love I have many differences with. Some people I love I haven’t spoken to in years but that doesn’t mean that we need to be close to one another and force a fake relationship. We can love people and say that they are not healthy or good for us. Just because conditions are not set on love does not mean that they are not set for relationships. There is no need to be in a situation with someone who doesn’t respect you but there is no need to hate them either. 

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I forgive him, B.

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Image by Unsplash

Why do I want to forgive him? 

Because he is a good person. 

I forgive him because I am done resisting him and who he is. 

I forgive him because he is not exactly who I want him to be and that is perfect. He is not meant to be a mould of my imagination; he is a mould of God’s imagination. 

I forgive him because criticizing him isn’t helping me. 

I forgive him because I admit that he may not be for me but that doesn’t mean that I need to shoot him down and disrespect him. 

I forgive him because I have my fiery and stubborn way towards him that I need to detach myself from if I want to be a healthy person in this world. 

I forgive him because I release him into God’s hands and trust he will take care of him. 

I forgive him because I may never see him again and I am at peace with that. I let go of any resentment about how he handled me and us because it is exactly how it is meant to be. 

Kungani ngifuna ukumthethelela?

Isitombe se-Unsplash

Isitombe se-Unsplash

Kungani ngifuna ukumthethelela? Ngoba akuphilile ukubamba intukuthelo. Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba ngikhathele ukungabaza ukuthi kungani engaphendulanga noma abeke phambili izinto, esikhundleni sokumane akhulume.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba sengikhathele ukuzizwa ngaliwe futhi akanawo amandla amaningi empilweni yami njengoba ngake ngamnika yena phambilini.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba akayona into embi- umuntu nje futhi, njengami, unezingqinamba. Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba kuyindlela enhle yokuqhubekela phambili kulokhu.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba angikwazi ukumphoqa ukuthi ashintshe, angikwazi ukubhala kabusha okwedlule futhi angifuni. Ngifunde okuningi ngempilo nangothando, okuyisizathu esengeziwe sokuba nami ngithethelele njengoba ngibonga futhi ngithokozile ngomphumela.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba Isahluko sami esilandelayo sethembisa kakhulu ukuthi singonakaliswa yimizwa yokudabuka, ukukhathazeka nokungaqiniseki.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba ngiyaqiniseka ukuthi ngifanelwe uthando olungathwalwa kakhulu ukungavikeleki; lokho kuyasiqinisekisa lapho singenasiqiniseko.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba angikwazi ukuphoqa iqiniso. Akuphoqwa noma kuhlanganisiwe. Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba uyisebenzisile injongo yakhe empilweni yami, kungenzeka kube kungenzeki ngendlela ebengiyifuna ngayo kepha ngilapha. Ngilapha ukuzithethelela ngoba akukho lutho olungizuzisa kakhulu.

I forgive him.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

Why do I want to forgive him? 

Because holding onto him won’t change him. 

I’ve spent enough time looking for love outside of myself and it’s time to look within. 

I forgive him 

Because I could spend my life trying to steal back the moments we gave to each other or be happy that we ever had them to begin with. 

I forgive him 

Because for a long time, I felt like he took from me. 

And now I realize that I got so more than I expected to get. 

I forgive him 

Because I felt played, I felt used and I felt replaceable. I never understood that only I can truly value myself, it can’t always come from him. 

I forgive him 

Because I am also in the process of forgiving myself for not understanding the fundamental rule of abundance, there is always enough. 

I loved him enough, I gave him and now I can let him go. 

I forgive him because I’m not shutting the door created by a fake boundary. I am keeping the door open and walking forward without looking back anymore. 

I forgive him because he deserves everything that I ever asked him for: love, kindness and respect. Whether he gives it back to me is up to him but I’m not going to hold a grudge against him if he doesn’t. 

3 cosas que desearía haber sabido antes de salir en línea.

Imagen de Unsplash

Imagen de Unsplash

Nunca me interesaron las citas en línea, pero había tenido una relación intermitente con alguien y me sentía agotada. Sentí que tener a alguien nuevo en mi vida agregaría mucho de lo que me faltaba, energía fresca y aventurera.

Aunque anteriormente había intentado un sitio web de citas popular que terminaba con un tipo al azar que insistía en salir conmigo a pesar de que decliné, decidí darle otra oportunidad. Había escuchado grandes cosas sobre una aplicación de citas donde las mujeres se acercaban primero. Pensé que esto sería diferente. Entonces, le di una oportunidad. Cargué la aplicación y comencé a contactar a los hombres con los que me emparejaban.
Como siempre, no me arrepiento de nada porque vivir es cómo aprendemos. Pero, estas son 3 cosas que desearía haber sabido antes de tener mi primera experiencia de citas en línea:

1. No fuerces nada.

La primera y única persona con la que salí a través de esta aplicación de citas fue un tipo bastante decente. Sin embargo, la diferencia entre él y la mayoría (si no todos) de los chicos con los que he salido, no teníamos amigos ni conocidos en común. Estoy acostumbrado a salir con alguien que comparte amigos para que confíe más en ellos y tengamos más en común. En el papel, parecía un buen partido. Sin embargo, tuve la sensación de que estaba ocultando algo. Seguí esperando a que me arrojara una bomba de verdad y de repente descubrí que no era para mí. Para poder culparlo por ser la razón por la que no debía ser. Cuando noté mi proceso de pensamiento de hacer esto, me di cuenta de que no tenía esa emoción para él y lo estaba forzando porque me preocupaba no estar solo. Después de que terminé, decidí salir conmigo mismo, tomé citas increíbles y concentré mi energía en convertirme en el amor que le estaba pidiendo a alguien más que me diera.

2. Solo porque alguien es una buena pareja en el papel; no los hace una buena pareja para la vida. Cuando el chico con el que salí en línea me dijo que fue a la misma escuela que mi padre, me llené de alegría. Siempre he querido salir con alguien que está en tecnología. En parte debido a la estabilidad financiera, pero sobre todo porque me encanta cómo piensa la mayoría de la gente en tecnología. En el fondo, soy un nerd. Me encantan los cómics, las películas de superhéroes, las ecuaciones matemáticas, las teorías científicas, el pensamiento fuera de la caja, las teorías de conspiración y los videojuegos.

Por lo tanto, siempre me mezclé bien con las personas que eligen Tech como su trabajo porque piensan como yo y cómo me criaron. Siempre estoy aprendiendo y no estoy orgulloso de cómo manejé cada aspecto de cómo traté con él. Pero, mi mayor conclusión de esto es que no había electricidad. Anteriormente había salido con hombres con los que tenía mucha conexión y ningún futuro. Entonces, quería probar algo diferente. Esta situación me recordó que el amor no es lógico y no podemos verlo desde un punto de vista práctico. El corazón y la cabeza están en dos puntos diferentes del cuerpo. Aunque están separados, se necesitan mutuamente. Trabajan juntos en el cuerpo y también deberían trabajar juntos en el amor.

3. Una foto y un perfil no pueden decirte cómo te sentirás. Solo la intuición puede.

Después de este encuentro de aprendizaje y después de mudarme a Los Ángeles, volví a cargar esa aplicación, solo por diversión y comencé a chatear con un profesional europeo de la aptitud de más edad. Mi intuición me dijo que no le diera su número. Pero, por desgracia, lo hice porque pensé, ¿qué es lo peor que podría pasar? Siempre puedo bloquearlo. Ahora puedo reírme de los siguientes eventos, pero en ese momento estaba asustado. Después de darle mi número, me envió un video cada 10-15 minutos de su entrenamiento. Una noche, estaba en West Hollywood con mi amigo bailando y cantando. Cuando levanté mi teléfono después de algunas horas, recibí algunas llamadas perdidas de él y más de dos docenas de videos.

Entonces supe que mi intuición inicial era correcta sobre él, así que lo bloqueé y pensé que esa historia había terminado. Sin embargo, me tropezaría con él después de la clase de yoga o ciclismo y estaba enojado porque parecía estar siguiéndome. Lo enfrenté y él terminó dejándome solo. Pero, aprendí (y todavía estoy aprendiendo) que mi voz intuitiva es un regalo y que depende de mí escucharla por mi seguridad, cordura y bienestar general. Regístrese para nuestros cursos de alineación aquí

3 Things that I wish I’d known before I online-dated.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

I was never really into online dating but I had gone through an on-and-off again relationship with someone and felt depleted. I felt like having someone new in my life would add a lot of what I was missing, adventurous and fresh energy. 

Although I had formerly attempted a popular dating website which ended with some random guy insisting to go out with me despite me declining, I decided to give it another go. I had heard great things about a dating app where the women reached out first. 

I thought that this would be different. So, I gave it a shot. I loaded the app and began to reach out to men who I was matched with. 

As always, I don’t regret anything because living is how we learn. But, these are 3 things I wish I had known before I had my first online dating experience: 

1. Don’t force anything. 

The first and only person I dated through this dating app, was a fairly decent guy. However, the difference between him and most (if not all) guys that I have dated, we had no friends or acquaintances in common. I am used to dating someone who shares friends so that I trust them more and we have more in common. 

On paper, he seemed like a good match. However, I got the sense that he was hiding something. I kept waiting for him to drop a truth bomb on me and I would suddenly discover that he was not for me. So that I could blame him for being the reason why it wasn’t meant to be. When I noticed my thought process of doing this, I came to realize that I didn’t have that have excitement for him and was forcing it because I was concerned about not being alone. 

After I ended it, I decided to date myself and took myself on amazing dates and focused my energy on becoming the love that I was asking someone else to give me. 

2. Just because someone is a good match on paper; doesn’t make them a good match for life. 

When the guy that I had online-dated told me that he went to the same school as my dad, I was overjoyed. I have always wanted to date someone who is in tech. Partially because of financial stability but mostly because I love how most people in Tech think. At heart, I am a nerd. I love comic books, superhero movies, mathematic equations, scientific theories, thinking outside of the box, conspiracy theories and playing video games. 

So, I have always meshed well with people who choose Tech as their jobs because they think like me and how I was raised. I am always learning and I am not proud of how I handled every aspect of how I dealt with him. But, my biggest takeaway from this is that there was no electricity. 

I had previously dated men that I had a lot of connection with and no future. So, I wanted to try something different. This situation reminded me that love is not logical and we can’t look at it from a practical point of view. The heart and head are at two different points of the body. Although they are separate, they need each other. They work together in the body and they should also work together in love. 

3. A picture and profile can’t tell you how you will feel. Only intuition can. 

After this learnéd encounter and after moving to Los Angeles, I re-loaded that app, just for fun and began chatting with an older European fitness professional. My intuition told me not to give him his number. But alas, I did because I thought, what’s the worst that could happen? I can always block him. 

I can laugh about the following events now but at the time I was low-key scared. After I gave him my number, he sent me a video every 10-15 minutes of him working out. One night, I was in West Hollywood with my friend dancing and singing. When I picked up my phone after a few hours, I had a few missed calls from him and over two dozen videos. I knew then that my initial intuition was right about him so I blocked him and thought that that story was over. However, I would ‘bump‘ into him after yoga or cycling class and was angered that he appeared to be following me. 

I confronted him and he ended up leaving me alone. But, I learnt (and am still learning) that my intuitive voice is a gift and it is up to me to listen to it for my safety, sanity and overall well-being. 

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3 Things that I am learning about dating in my 30s.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

When I was 21, 10 years ago, I had expected my life to be different. I was a bartender at a restaurant in Soho, NYC, and I thought that I had met the love of my life. At that time he was. And, so is anyone that I choose to spend my time, energy and life with. 

Little did I know that I would go on to almost get married again and be in a few long term relationships. I am grateful for every single things that I have learnt along the way because it has led me to who I am today. Yes, it also took work! But, I needed the experiences to be able to apply what I had learnt so that I could grow. 

I have previously been fully open about how I thought that I would be married and have kids by now. A life that I still sometimes mourn but I know that I am exactly where I am meant to be because I don’t see myself in a life-long partnership with anyone from past. 

As I date, I am learning a lot and it is an amazing experience to do in my 30s. Now that I have more confidence, boundaries and clarity. Here is what I am learning about dating in my 30s: 

1. I don’t owe anyone anything. 

Contrary to how a lot of us are raised, we think that we are owed something. This creates a sense of dependency. When I was younger, I felt like if someone paid for a date, bought me something or told me that they were committed to me that I had to stick around. I have learnt that this is not the case. Potential and reality are two different things. If someone wants a future with you, they need to work at it. Whatever that means for you and that person. 

I am now so comfortable with the notion that unless someone puts forward the necessary action to sustain a relationship, I would rather leave because nothing but them will make them do so- no matter how ‘great’ or ‘convincing’ I might be. 

2. No more fitting into what someone else wants me to be. 

I spent a lot of my 20s pretending to be who someone else wanted me to be. Whether it was for a job, a family member or a romantic partner. Those days are no longer. I know who I am and I am enough. I am exactly who I am meant to be. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t do work on myself but it means that I can be grateful for where I have been and for who I am because I have a lot to be proud of. 

I don’t need to be someone else to be liked or loved. I am worthy of love exactly as I am. 

3. Respect is essential. 

I have always believed that love wasn’t enough but it wasn’t until I dealt with men and situations that proved it to me. I don’t walk around jaded by the past but my previous experiences have allowed me to grow. I am grateful for all of them and for all the people who came into my life. 

I used to date a guy who was a Chef and wouldn’t reply to my text messages for a few days or ever, would look at other women while we were on dates and, was wishy-washy about our future. I saw his potential and was afraid to look at his behaviour to realize that it wasn’t for me. Because these little signs lead to a bigger one, it differs person-to-person but (in this case) he wasn’t ready to commit to someone else at that time. Which was later revealed to me. 

So now, I no longer look at potential but who is in front of me. Just because someone isn’t ready to commit to me, doesn’t make them bad or deceiving. It just means that they are not for me and I am not for them. There is no need for resentment or anger. 

I forgive him. B.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

Why do I want to forgive him?

Because I have made a decision to not involve myself in petty drama. 

I forgive him because my growth is a choice. The future has so much to offer me and I feel that this universal cleansing is reminding me of that. 

I forgive him because each day is too precious to force ideas and potentials when the present is powerful and worthy of embracing. 

I forgive him because he did the best that he could. I have no animosity towards him; I merely send him love. 

I forgive him because how he dealt with me and us helped me move forward with my life- I had to. 

I forgive him because I truly believe that there is someone for him in this world but it is not me. 

I forgive him and I wish him the best with his life as I do with my own life. We are both worthy of love, whether we are together or apart. 

Dear God, I pray for guidance…

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

Dear God, 

I pray for guidance from Angel Chamuel (the angel of love), I am confused and I pray for the strength to leave this confusion into clarity.

I just let go of a situation with a lovely guy because he wasn’t emotionally and physically available for me but I am wondering why you would send me down a path like that again? I was promised a man who is available to me. So, why him? 

 I don’t want to say that I am mad but I am low key disappointed that the one person that I wanted it to be, it isn’t. And, I am being reminded that it isn’t because he is still a unit with his family and former partner. Which he has to be but I don’t want to feel like an outsider looking in. 

I want to be a part of the story. I deserve a man who tells me; not me finding out from other sources. 

Please give me strength, God. When I see him and his family, please give me the courage to choose me, over breadcrumbs. I deserve a partner who is one hundred percent available for me, wants a future with me and is ready to have one with me. 

I don’t do games, false pretenses, intrusions or reading in code. I deserve honesty, kindness, success, drive, genuine respect and love. That is what I was promised so please guide me to it. 

I pray that I walk away from this situation without resentment; only peace. I pray for peace, serenity and surrendering to the fact that I left for a reason and now I make space for what I deserve... finally!

Thank you for making this space and I pray that you help me manifest a new partner into my life, one that is worthy of my time as much as I am of his. 

3 Cosas más importantes que aprendí sobre las citas en mis 20 años.

Imagen de Unsplash

Imagen de Unsplash

Acabo de cumplir 31 años y, al contrario de lo que pensaba cuando era más joven, mi vida ha resultado increíble y estoy eternamente agradecida. Anteriormente mencioné cómo pensé que tener hijos y ser esposa ha sido una prioridad; Sin embargo, el universo me ha enviado lecciones para enseñarme que no es mi éxito final.

Ser padre y pareja es maravilloso, sí. Pero, tuve que aprender que necesito realizarme a mí mismo en lugar de jugar un papel para demostrar mi valía. Desde que tenía 12 años o un poco más joven, siempre he sabido que quiero ser madre. Soñaba con tener 6 hijos y la gente bromeaba diciendo que debería casarme con un contador, lo tenía en mente y cuando comencé a salir, solo salía con hombres que tuvieron éxito para poder cumplir mi sueño.

Cuanto más mencioné mi deseo de tener un montón de hijos, más me cansaría de las proyecciones de otras personas sobre cómo debería ser mi futuro. Estas proyecciones nublaron mi vida amorosa porque en lugar de buscar una pareja, estaba buscando a alguien en mi vida que se viera bien en el papel, olvidando que la persona con la que quiero estar es una extensión de felicidad y alegría.

Aquí hay 3 cosas que las citas en mis 20 años me han enseñado:

1. No tengo que ser una esposa para ser feliz.

Vengo de una familia de divorciados y, aunque cada familia tiene sus problemas, hay algo que les sucede a los hijos del divorcio que es único. Pasé por dos fases para acercarme a la vida familiar: no necesito una pareja para tener hijos y necesito casarme con la persona perfecta para que mi matrimonio no se desmorone. Esta presión solía llevarla profundamente y buscaría socios que parecieran perfectos en el papel, incluso si no estuvieran disponibles emocional o físicamente porque había desarrollado la creencia de que el dinero y la estructura mantienen unida a la familia. Sí, la razón número uno para el divorcio es el dinero; sin embargo, no hay unión entre dos personas si no hay respeto, amabilidad y amor mutuo.

2. Yo me elijo.

Acabo de dejar ir una situación con un chico maravilloso. Es una persona hermosa por dentro y por fuera; sin embargo, él no está emocional o físicamente disponible para darme lo que quiero. Cuando era más joven, sentía que tenía que ser mártir y sacrificar mi sangre y sudor. Tenía la creencia de que una mujer debería dar más que un hombre y, para ser la esposa potencial perfecta, no debía expresar ni expresar mis preocupaciones. Podría pasar mi tiempo culpando a la sociedad y por qué desarrollé estos sistemas de creencias en primer lugar. Sin embargo, es mi vida y tengo que asumir la responsabilidad de lo que quiero en ella. Quiero y merezco un socio que esté listo y capaz de comprometerse, así que depende de mí crear límites para que esto sea factible.

3. Siempre puedo decir que no.

Honestamente, me he metido en algunas relaciones que duraron mucho más de lo que deberían porque tenía demasiado miedo de ser el único en decir que no. En el fondo de mi cabeza, siempre me preguntaría si me arrepiento de haber dicho que sí. Siempre he sentido la necesidad de ser optimista siempre, aunque sea a mi costa. Especialmente como profesora de yoga y profesional del bienestar, pasamos mucho tiempo enfocándonos en sí. Sin embargo, olvidamos enfatizar la importancia de decir a veces no.

Nada es blanco y negro y la experiencia de vida de cada persona es diferente. Sin embargo, ninguno de nosotros debería sentirse obligado a decir algo que sea falso por miedo a no obtener lo que queremos. He aprendido y creo firmemente que todo lo que es para mí, me encontrará. Si trabajo lo suficiente, amo lo suficiente y lo doy todo, he hecho todo lo que puedo. Se me permite crear límites y cuidar mi bienestar y, a veces, eso significa decir que no.

3 Important things that I learnt about dating in my 20s.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

I just turned 31 years old and contrary to what I had thought when I was younger, my life has turned out amazingly and I am forever grateful. I have previously mentioned how I thought that having kids and being a wife has been a priority; however, the universe has sent me lessons to teach me that it is not my ultimate success. Being a parent and partner is wonderful, yes. But, I had to learn that I need to fulfill myself instead of playing a role to prove my worthiness. 

Since I was 12 or a little younger, I have always known that I want to be a Mother. I dreamt of having 6 kids and people would joke that I should marry an accountant, I kept that in the back of my mind and when I started dating, I only dated men who were successful so that I could fulfill my dream. The more that I mentioned my wish of having a bunch of children, the more that I would get jaded with other people’s projections about what my future should look like. 

These projections clouded my dating life because instead of looking for a partner, I was searching for someone in my life who looked good on paper- forgetting that the person that I want to be with, is an extension of happiness and joy. 

Here are 3 things that dating in my 20s has taught me: 

1. I don’t have to be a wife to be happy. 

I come from a family of divorce and, although every family has it’s issues, there is something that happens to children of divorce that is unique. I went through two phases of approaching family life:I don’t need a partner to have kids and, I need to marry the perfect person so that my marriage doesn’t crumble apart. This pressure I used to carry deeply and would seek out partners who seemed perfect on paper- even if they weren’t emotionally or physically available because I had developed a belief that money and structure keeps a family together. 

Yes, the number one reason for divorce is money; however, there is no union between two people if there is no respect, kindness and love for one another. 

2. I choose me. 

I just let go of a situation with a wonderful guy. He is a beautiful person inside and out; however, he is not emotionally or physically available to give me what I want. When I was younger, I felt like I had to be a martyr and to sacrifice my blood and sweat. I had these beliefs that a woman should give more than a man and, that to be the perfect potential wife, I shouldn’t voice or express my concerns. 

I could spend my time blaming society and why I developed these belief systems in the first place. However, it is my life and I need to take responsibility for what I want in it. I want and deserve a partner who is ready and able to commit so it is up to me to create boundaries so that this is is feasible. 

3. I can always say no. 

Honestly, I have gotten into some relationships that lasted way longer than they should have because I was too afraid of being the one to say no. In the back of my head, I would always wonder if I regret saying yes. I have felt a continual thread of needing to be optimistic always, even if it is at my expense.

Especially as a yoga teacher and wellness professional, we spend a lot of time focusing on yes. However, we forget to emphasize the importance of sometimes saying no. Nothing is black&white and, everyone’s life experience is different. However, none of us should feel forced to say something that is false for fear of not getting what we want. I have learnt and firmly believe that everything that is for me, will find me. If I work hard enough, love enough and give my all, I have done everything that I can. I am allowed to create boundaries and take care of my well-being and sometimes that means saying no. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect- 2/23/2020

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Image by Unsplash

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He is emotionally and physically available to be in a relationship with me. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He is upfront and honest with his feelings about me. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

I will not need to feel like a martyr and as though I am giving more than I receive. Our love is reciprocal. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

A bond where commitment and union takes precedent over anything else. 

I have hope that I will true love and respect. 

A partnership that I won’t have to guess how my partner feels, we assure one another. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

We choose each other daily without secrets and embrace honesty. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He has used his past as a way to transform and enlighten himself and those around him. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He embraces me and lets me know when he is going through something that is challenging him because I can’t read minds and shouldn’t have to. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. We embrace one another with honesty, trust and commitment