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Ten years ago, I began a long-term relationship with a man who I believe to be one of my twin flames. After this long journey, I have learnt the difference between twin-flames and soulmates. I believe that your twin-flames ignite you and prepare you for your soulmate.
10 years ago, I was just about to turn 21 when I met Mr. U, he was charming, a lady’s man and everything that I wanted on paper; however, he was going through a painful time in his life. He was going through a divorce. My sadistic and generous self felt that I had to save him because I believed that to be my role in life, to save men that I was in relationships with.
Mr. U being 13 years my senior and emotionally hurting without meaning to do so, hurt me by proxy because he wasn’t able to be there for me. I forced it and forced it until it collapsed. Our on-again and off-again relationship fell apart and I ended it. I had never felt such emotional pain in my life when I left him but I knew that I had to because he wasn’t able to be in it. This man opened my soul. This is what they say some twin-flames do, take you closer to your soul’s purpose.
Fast forward to 2018 when I am living in Los Angeles and I meet my second twin-flame after being told that he is my soulmate and so many signals orchestrate such. This was the second most emotional pain for me but I learnt something very valuable. My second twin-flame, Mr. W, opened up my heart. He is a very spiritual being and we connected deeply through each other’s hearts. Whatever he felt, so did I- particularly when we were thinking of each other. He helped me understand that I am an empath.
Amongst this, I learnt a few other things. This is what these two relationships taught me:
1. Only I can save myself.
In my first twin-flame experience, Mr. U would disappear and return as he wished. Every time that he did, I would reason with myself about why he was doing it. I made every single excuse that I could think of to mend our fickle relationship. I would tell myself that he probably didn’t know how to tell me about what he was going through, that he needed space or anything else to alleviate him of his responsibility in our relationship. I was lying to myself.
In 2012, I decided to stand up for myself and leave our toxic relationship. So, I signed up for my first 30-day hot yoga challenge. I had no idea that the experience would be so introspective. I remember specifically one day that I wrote a letter of forgiveness to Mr. U and cried like I had never cried in my life, I felt my soul crying. I was being led to a more divine purpose, one that was about taking responsibility for what I had created in my life. I made a promise to save myself; instead of needing a man to do so. I made a promise to give as much as I was able. Even if I fell, at least I was moving forward.
2. Sometimes mistakes are the right direction.
I went to one of the best private schools in South Africa and was enrolled in many extra-curricular activities growing up. I was not a good student because I didn’t like school but I have always felt the pressure to do things right. I come from a family of achievers and have put pressure on myself to be the strongest, most perfect and fully capable that I can be. It has served me a great purpose; however, it has created an image to people around me that I don’t need them when I do.
After I left my first twin-flame, I felt like a failure. Everyone had told me that Mr. U was not capable of loving me, so why didn’t I believe them? The answer is that sometimes we have to experience for ourselves to learn a lesson that serves us for the next level. Being with Mr. U, helped me develop a consistent yoga practice which has been my foundation for spirituality. So, even though I didn’t get to be with him forever, I got something better. I learnt to connect myself to God and the divine.
3. Life is meant to be lived.
If someone had told me that I would be where I am today, I would be in shock. If someone had told me that today I would’ve left a relationship with a well-known Producer for the sake of my sanity, I would wonder how that happened. When I broke up with Mr. W, I became obsessed with watching astrology tarot card readings because I wanted to know the outcome. Some of them mentioned a reconciliation with him and I had this huge epiphany, just because someone tells me that I need to head down a direction doesn’t mean that I have to. My life is mine to live. All the mess, heartbreak, love, joy and everything else is about living. Day-by-day and breath-by-breath.
People can guide me in a direction; however, I am meant to create karma in my life because through actions, we learn the most about ourselves and the direction that we are headed in. As co-creators in this universe, we still have to do the work that is backed by purpose and intention. Not from the outside-in, from the inside-out.