When I was younger, I was naturally drawn to older men because I have felt like an old soul my whole life. Even though I would have a boyfriend or two around my age growing up, during High School I couldn’t wait to leave so that I could date men who were more mature and (what I thought to be) understanding of women.

So, when I was 19 and moved to New York City, I fell in love with an older man who was 13 years my senior. Following that, another who was the same age. It started a trend of dating a particular man and I fell into a trap.

Although I don’t regret anything in my life, I believe in reflective therapy and looking back on things that I could do better so that I grow as a person, moving forward.

Here are 3 things I wish I had known before I dated an older man:

1. There is a big chance that they might not be as mature as you think.

My first older formal boyfriend (who I almost married) was a self-proclaimed ‘Peter Pan’. He and his friends would date younger ladies and cling to their youth as tightly as they could.

Looking back, I see the signs that he was desperately trying to defy the laws of gravity and ticking of the clock by dating me, 13 years his junior. In fact, there were times in our relationship when I would compare him to my friends’ boyfriends and see more maturity in them and him.

I learned and am still learning that just because someone is older, it doesn’t mean that they are more mature. Someone’s intentions, actions and overall being will show you their level of maturity.

2. People will judge you.

As with most of us, I feel like I have spent my life being judged. It used to bother me when I was younger; however, the older that I get, I just don’t care.

Because I have been drawn to older men my whole life, I have been judged for it. People have labeled me a ‘gold-digger’, asked me why I don’t meet a man my own age and, once I was asked if my ex-boyfriend was my father.

Of course, it really isn’t their business. But, it has taught me that if you aren’t a part of the norm, you will be judged, talked about and some may try to stop you.

I have a naturally rebellious spirit so when someone tells me not to do something, I want to do it more. However, it is not healthy to go against the grain all the time. It’s about doing what is right and what you believe in, first and transforming judgement into feedback or forgetting it exists at all.

3. You might be taking on more baggage than you can handle.

Even though I have tough skin, my second relationship with an older man wrecked my self esteem and self-worth. He was going through a divorce and dragged me along with it in the process. And, it was one of the most heartbreaking parts of my life. I take responsibility in it but I fully admit that the odds were against us from the beginning as he didn’t have the capacity or capability to love from a sincere place at the time when he was hurting and going through such a painful ordeal. And, I didn’t know how to handle what he was going through.

I have been very vocal about how I had to heal from that situation and I have finally reached a point where I think about him and wish him well from the bottom of my heart.

It certainly didn’t happen overnight but I understand that his presence was necessary in my life. I learned that I can love someone with all my heart and soul but still not be in their lives.

When you date someone older, you take on some of their life experiences- some good and some bad. You have to be happy with what your partner has been through and have made peace with the mistakes that they have made. If it is not for you, the relationship will not work. We can’t turn back time and make someone’s history evaporate.

Unconditional love and healthy relationships are based on acceptance. No matter what the person has done or gone through.