Two years ago, I hit a pivotal time in my life where I could see how I had fallen into the trap of being in relationships with people who had narcissistic tendencies. It was a product of my upbringing where I was raised to walk on eggshells around people that I loved.

This attracted me to narcissists and them to me because when other people would call out their gaslighting, manipulation and need to make others feel bad, I stayed because I thought unconditional love meant that I don’t speak up for myself or have boundaries.

Boy have things changed! And, I have done a lot of healing. So much so that I can be grateful for everyone who has ever entered my life because they led me to my healing journey and now that I can connect the dots in my history, it is very clear what the common trait was: I was addicted to loving narcissistic personalities.

Here are 3 Things I have learned from dating a few narcissistic personalities:

1. They thrive off of emotional abuse.

After I ended a romantic relationship that I had in 2019, I saw a similar trait in men that I ended up in long-term relationships with. At the end of them, I felt discarded and emotionally abused. Even though I usually left and the scenarios were different, most of the behavior was the same. Disappearing, not replying to text messages, flirting with other women in front of me and, making me seem irrational or crazy in some way or another for confronting them.

A clear example of this was that I used to date an older guy to me who was going through a divorce at the time. This was one of the darkest times in my life because of the relationship that I had with him. During our relationship, he would disappear, come back (every now and then) and when he came back would say things like, ‘we haven’t professed our undying love for one another.’

Words that cut my heart like a sword. Even though I have since forgiven everything and wish him the best, I can look back and see how emotionally abusive those words were to me after doing something wrong and then shifting the blame to me. I now know that people who respect me, do not speak to me like that. And, it took me going through that to learn that no one will speak to me like that again.

2. There isn’t just one type.

Once I started doing my thorough research on narcissism and narcissistic personalities, I found out a lot! Now, I am not here to diagnose everyone as I am not a psychologist but I have had relationships with people who I believe to be narcissistic and am speaking from this opinion.

I learned the differences between covert, overt and malignant narcissists and I am grateful that I did because I saw a common thread in my previous relationships: after they had done something wrong, it became my fault or I would not receive a sincere apology.

I could give you many examples but one of them is when I confronted a guy that I dated who had given out my number without my consent to one of his friends. To this day, he still has not replied to any message I have sent to him confronting him about invading my privacy and boundaries.

You might think, it’s not a big deal to just give someone’s number away. But, it is a boundary and like I have mentioned before, narcissistic personalities do not acknowledge your boundaries. When you set one, they will act like they didn’t know or say you are overreacting for setting it in the first place.

In a nutshell, if you expect to be respected by a narcissistic personality- think again! Their currency is power and they might hurt you or disrespect you to show you who is in charge, them.

3. They play mind-games.

I have had my fair share of these types of relationships, like I previously mentioned so I can say coherently and with conviction that being with a narcissistic personality feels confusing and creates a memory fog in your brain. Sometimes even years after.

I have (obviously) a few examples of this; however, one specific one was when an ex-boyfriend of mine would openly flirt with other women in front of me. In addition, he would keep a picture of his ex-girlfriend on his wall. I used to think it was an honest mistake until I confronted him about it and then found out that they had been secretly speaking to one another after the ‘photograph’ situation. Which he blamed on me ‘being insecure’. After this, I found him going through my phone to read my text messages and realized that he had been projecting his insecurities onto me and using his ex as (what psychologists refer to as) ‘triangulation’.

This is when a narcissist is in a relationship with you but makes it seem like there are other people in it. Other forms of this would be to compare you to someone they know or look at other women when you are speaking so that you never fully have their attention. This can feel like mental hell and when I sought professional help was often advised to ‘let him be a man’- which was horrible advice.

If you are in a triangulation or being compared to, to make you passively feel like you aren’t a good partner, I would recommend seeking professional advice from a counselor. This trait was the worst of the narcissistic behavior that I went through and know how it can distort your sense of well-being.

This is why I no longer deal or date men who have an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife who is still close to them. Being friendly with an ex is different to being friends. As someone coming into the relationship, I want to be with someone who is giving us a chance and isn’t keeping their past around as a safeguard but allowing new opportunities and relationships to come in. As I have done the same.