Last year, I left an emotionally abusive relationship that triggered my deep healing. In general, I noticed a trend in my life that I attracted people who were around to take from me and often spoke unkind words to me in the process. I used to have this idea that once I became an enlightened person then everything would be fine.

However, that is when the process of healing begins. Just like our body which is constantly healing, our spiritual and internal wellbeing out to be doing the same.

So, I sought professional help,tapped, practiced yoga, prayed and meditated. All of which revealed to me that I had childhood trauma that wasn’t being addressed. And that I needed to go in. At this moment, I do not speak to both of my parents: one out of choice and the other not out of choice. However, it has been necessary in my healing process so that I could detach myself from who my parents want me to be and stand proud without un-necessary and unwanted pressures.

Everything is hindsight and this is not to blame; it is to bring reflection. The voice of children in divorce is often silenced and I want to give these children, including my inner-child a voice. I would be lying if I said that my parents’ divorce was and amazing experience for me and that I believe they did the best that they could because I do not think that they did.

Their actions are between them and God. I am merely here to tell you how I have healed and what I wish I’d known before they went through this process:

1. Don’t take it personally.

I don’t recall my parents having a sit-down with me about their separation and divorce. I was 5 years-old so I could have forgotten if they did. What came during the divorce process, hurt me immensely and what I don’t think most parents realize is that unintentional hurt can leave an imprint on children because it is often not thought of as something that acknowledged. And, only once we recognize something can we change it.

Looking back at the times when their divorce was at it’s height and I would voice my concerns which were automatically shut down, it had nothing to do with me. As an adult, I see that my parents were at war with one another and didn’t see me as a child but as a way that they could be right and win at all costs.

I spent a lot of time being angry that I wasn’t thought of while they decided to part ways but now I understand that it had nothing to do with me. Children are born into great and sometimes not so-great circumstances. It is not up to us to get involved in parental situations. We should be allowed to be kids when we are young.

2. Don’t pick sides.

I have recently forgiven myself for taking my Mother’s side and once I did, I asked myself why I felt the inclination to take her side? My answer is that as a society, Mother’s can do no wrong when I can count many times that mine did - just like most people. The difference; however, when a parent has wronged a child, there is no real platform for them to speak on it without that child receiving backlash and being told all the good that the parent does for the child. It creates a sense of guilt in children that is unfathomable. Because we have created a dynamic that parents are always right as long as you have a roof over your head and your bills are paid- we put emphasis on external wellbeing and not internal.

After years of professional help, I can clearly see how one of my parents weaponized me against the other because they could. I spent a lot of time being angry at them and once I forgave them, it changed my perspective. They were growing, learning and, I happened to get caught in the mix.

3. Parents have internal growth to do, too.

I come from an African family and sometimes it can feel dysfunctional because we are raised that as long as you have a roof over your head and you go to the finest schools, you are loved.

As an adult, I have had to re-learn true love. No conditions. You see, I grew up in a household that if I didn’t do what was told, I was ignored, punished and I could feel the lack of love instantly. Of course, kids are supposed to be punished, right? Yes, but what happens if the parent does wrong? Do they get punished? Who holds them accountable?

If I were in my parents’ shoes, I am not sure how I would raise me how I was raised but I do know that with the information I have, I wouldn’t put another human being through what I went through because a child should always know they are loved and not feel like they have to walk on eggshells just because they are alive.

There is a lot of input on how kids need to be raised but we leave out the conversation how parents need to grow up during the parental process, too.

It’s time for parents to step up and stop making it seem like children asked to be born. Being alive is a gift, yes! But so is having a child, why were they had anyways?