4 choses que j'ai apprises approche dai

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Je suis une personne qui donne à cent pour cent à tout ce que je fais et cela inclut l'amour. Donc, je n’ai jamais vraiment été un "Dater"; Seule une personne qui a investi temps et énergie dans ses relations, qu’elles aient duré un mois ou cinq ans, je crois qu’il faut tout donner pour éviter les regrets.




Malheureusement, la plupart des hommes avec qui je suis sorti n'ont pas la même mentalité et quand une personne qui donne à cent pour cent a une relation avec quelqu'un qui en donne cinquante, cela conduit souvent à un chagrin d'amour.


Bien que je crois que le chagrin est nécessaire pour apprendre une leçon, il est inutile d'apprendre encore et encore la même leçon. Quand une leçon est apprise, il est temps de passer à autre chose après.



Je crois qu'être dans une relation est un moyen pour vous de grandir au maximum. Qu'il s'agisse d'apprendre à accepter que nous ne pouvons pas changer les gens ou d'apprendre vos limites, les relations sont des opportunités de développement.




Voici 4 dictons que j'applique aux relations et aux rencontres pour aider le processus de croissance:




1. Pourquoi passer votre temps à forcer quand il est si bon de se sentir à l'aise?

Je suis une personnalité de type A. Ce qui a une connotation négative, mais cela signifie simplement que lorsque je veux quelque chose, je le cherche. J'ai passé de nombreuses années à appliquer cette mentalité aux relations pour découvrir que les personnes n'étaient pas des listes de contrôle. Je ne peux pas poursuivre quelqu'un et le forcer à m'aimer s'il ne s'intéresse pas à moi. Contrairement aux objectifs, les gens ont le choix s’ils veulent être avec vous ou non et je préférerais être avec quelqu'un qui veut être avec moi; comme opposer à chasser quelqu'un au début et tout au long de la relation. Poursuivre quelqu'un qui m'aime en dit plus long sur moi que sur eux, mais sur le fait que je ne me sens pas comme si je méritais quelqu'un que je n'ai pas à convaincre d'aimer parce que je me sens indigne. Donc, si je choisis d’être avec quelqu'un avec qui je n’ai pas à me battre, cela me rappelle que je suis digne d’amour.




2. Que la personne qui aime soit.

J'ai parcouru un long chemin avec ça. Auparavant, j'étais le genre de personne qui examinait ce qui manquait à mon partenaire et comment je pouvais réparer ce que je n'aimais pas chez eux. Cependant, j'ai appris et j'apprends encore que je ne suis pas celui qui peut imposer le changement à un autre. Je dois accepter et aimer la personne avec laquelle je suis ou ne pas être en relation avec elle. Il y a une différence entre encouragement et force. L'encouragement dit: "Voici un indice, prenez-le ou laissez-le." Force dit: "Voici un indice, prenez-le ou autre." Plus je vieillis, plus je perds d'énergie, forçant les gens à être ceux que je veux. être. Si Dieu les accepte comme ils sont, moi aussi.




3. Vous pouvez aimer après le chagrin.

L'année dernière, quelques médiums aléatoires m'ont dit que je finirais avec quelqu'un. Il m'a fallu du temps et un peu de chagrin pour comprendre que cette personne n'est pas celle avec laquelle je veux qu'elle soit dans une relation. Et ça va. Il est assez comme il est. J'ai dû mettre mes sentiments de côté et accepter le fait que nous ne sommes pas censés être ensemble, indépendamment de ce que certaines personnes auraient pu dire. Et, dès que j'ai fait cela, je me suis retrouvé dans une aventure romantique avec quelqu'un d'autre. Avec cette autre personne, j'obtiens exactement ce que j'ai toujours voulu et je sens que c'est la vraie chose. Donc, il y a définitivement l'amour après le chagrin.



 

4. L’amour ne te va pas toujours.

On m'a montré cela maintes et maintes fois dans ma vie. En tant que personne qui a failli se marier deux fois et qui a demandé une autre fois mais qui a refusé, je sais vraiment que l’amour ne va pas comme nous l’attendons. Il n'est pas nécessaire de placer des attentes sur l'amour et les gens. Parce que les attentes ne mèneront qu'à la déception et au chagrin d'amour. J'ai appris à gérer les choses pas à pas et au jour le jour, car une année peut être très différente de celle d'aujourd'hui.

The 4 sayings that I use to approach dating and relationships.

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I am a person who gives a hundred percent to everything that I do and, that includes love. So, I’ve never been much of a ‘Dater’; only someone who invested time and energy into relationships, whether they lasted a month or five years, I believe in giving everything to avoid regret.


Unfortunately, most of the men that I have dated have not had the same mentality and when a person who gives a hundred percent is in a relationship with someone who gives fifty, it often leads to heartbreak.


Although I believe that heartbreak is necessary to learn a lesson, there is no point in learning the same lesson over and over. When a lesson is learnt, it is time to move on afterwards.


I believe that being in a relationship is way for you to grow to your maximum. Whether it is learning to accept that we can’t change people or whether it’s learning your boundaries, relationships are opportunities to grow.


Here are 4 sayings that I apply to relationships and dating to help the growth process:


1. Why spend your time forcing when it can feel so good to be at ease?

I’m a Type A personality. Which, has a negative connotation but it just means that when I want something, I go after it. I spent many years applying this mentality to relationships only to discover that people are not checklists. I can’t go after someone and force them to like me if they aren’t interested in me. Unlike goals, people have a choice if they want to be with you or not and I would prefer to be with someone who wants to be with me; as oppose to chase down someone in the beginning and throughout the relationship. Chasing down someone to love me says more about me than it does about them, it says that I don’t feel like I deserve someone who I don’t have to convince to love because I feel unworthy. So, if I choose to be with someone that I don’t have to fight to be with, it reminds me that I am worthy of love.


2. Let the person that love be.

I’ve come a long way with this. I used to be the kind of person who would look at what my partner lacked and how I could fix what I didn’t like about them. However, I have learnt and am still learning that I am not the one who can enforce change on another. I have to accept and love the person that I am with or not be in a relationship with them. There is a difference between encouragement and force. Encouragement says, ‘Here is a hint, take it or leave it.’ Force says, ‘Here is a hint, take it or else.’ The older that I get, I lose more energy forcing people to be who I want them to be. If God accepts them the way that they are then so do I.


3. You can love after heartbreak.

Last year, I was told by a few random psychics that I would end up with someone. It took me some time and some heartbreak to realize that this person is not where I want him to be to be in a relationship with. And, it’s okay. He is enough as he is. I had to put my feelings aside and accept that we are not meant to be together regardless of what some people might have said. And, as soon as I did that, I found myself in a romantic endeavour with someone else. With this other person, I get exactly what I have always wanted and feel like this is the real thing. So, there is definitely love after heartbreak.


4. Love doesn’t always go your way.

I’ve been shown this over and over again in my life. As someone who almost got married twice and asked another time but declined, I truly know that love doesn’t go how we expect it. There is no need to place expectations on love and people. Because expectations will only lead to disappointment and heartache. I have learnt to take things step-by-step and day-by-day because a year can look very different from today, it is supposed to.

What it took to get to you.

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It took a lot to get to you.

 

It took us meeting to get to you.


It took us being friends to get to you.


It took us having genuine respect for each other to get you.


It took us messing up to get you.


It took us forgiving one another to get to you.


It took us being apart to get to you.


It took me dealing with jerks to get to you.


It took me being across the country to get to you.


It took me understanding you to get to you.


It took me releasing control to get to you.


It took me letting go over my life expectations to get to you.


It took me understanding myself to get to you.


It took me respecting myself to get to you.


It took me accepting you to get to you.

4 cosas que he aprendido sobre el amor.

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En mis casi treinta años de vida y la mitad de esa vida pasé saliendo o en una relación. No he aprendido todo, pero he aprendido mucho. Durante y después de cada relación, me he esforzado por aprender en qué pude haber trabajado o aprendido para no volver a hacerlo.


Esto es lo que he aprendido:


1. El amor no es suficiente.

Cuando era niña, veía películas que implicaban que una vez que las personas descubrieran el amor, sus vidas serían completas. Adopté esta mentalidad y aprendí en mis veinte años que vivir con esta mentalidad solo me decepcionaría. Un primer recuerdo de esto es cuando mi ex-prometido me llamaba palabras humillantes y me engañaba. Cuando me enfrentaba a él, él se disculpaba y pedía perdón porque decía que me amaba. Porque estaba en esa mentalidad, le creí; Sólo para verlo seguir comportándose así una y otra vez. Verás, necesitaba más que amor para mí; Él necesitaba tener respeto, compasión y amabilidad para mí también. Hasta que aprendiera a tener esos otros 3 factores, continuaría tratándome como siempre lo había hecho.



2. El amor es poderoso.

¿Alguna vez has amado a alguien tanto que solo verlo hace sonreír a tu corazón? Lo he hecho muchas veces porque el amor es poderoso. El amor puede alterar temporalmente tu salud mental y tener un impacto en cómo piensas, hablas y actúas. En mi opinión, no hay nada más poderoso que el amor.



3. El amor no puede ser reemplazado.

Honestamente creo que la razón por la que sufrimos en esta vida es porque pasamos nuestras vidas huyendo del amor, por miedo a ser vulnerables y lo reemplazamos con cosas innecesarias, como: dinero, posesiones, juegos y emociones. Hacemos esto porque queremos tener poder sobre el amor; tememos profundamente que el amor pueda tener poder sobre nosotros y nos haga sufrir aún más. He venido a aprender que el amor no debe ser reemplazado; pero, destinado a ser abrazado.



4. Abrazar el amor vale la pena.

Lo único de lo que realmente me he arrepentido es no decirle a alguien que amé que lo amo. En mi último año de bachillerato, me enamoré locamente de una de mis mejores amigas y me di cuenta de que él sentía lo mismo por mí. La gente pensaba que éramos pareja porque siempre estábamos juntos. Cada vez que pensaba en decirle mis sentimientos, temía que me rechazaran como antes y eso me impedía abrazar lo que realmente sentía y decirle cómo me sentía. Después de la preparatoria, tomamos caminos separados y él comenzó a salir con su (ahora) esposa. Sentí sincero arrepentimiento por lo sucedido. En última instancia, quería lo mejor para él, pero no pude evitar preguntarme si era lo mejor para él una vez que descubrí que se iba a casar hace unos años. Hice una promesa de decirle siempre a alguien que los amaba porque sentir arrepentimiento es peor que saber que esa persona sabe cómo te sientes acerca de ellos.

The 4 Things That I have learnt about love.

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In my almost thirty years of living and half of that lifetime spent dating or in a relationship .I haven’t learnt everything but I have learnt a lot. During and after every relationship, I have made an effort to learn what I could’ve worked on or learnt so that I don’t do it again.


Here is what I have learnt:


1. Love is not enough.

When I was a little girl, I would watch movies that implied that once people discovered love, their lives would be complete. I adopted this mentality and I learnt in my early twenties that living with this mindset would only disappoint me. An early memory of this is when my ex-fiancé would call me demeaning words and cheat on me. When I would confront him, he would apologize and beg for forgiveness because he claimed to love me. Because I was in that mindset, I believed him; only to see him continue to behave like that over and over. You see, he needed more than love for me; he needed to have respect, compassion and kindness for me too. Until he learnt to have those other 3 factors, he would continue to treat me the way he always had.


2. Love is powerful.

Have you ever loved someone so much that the very sight of them makes your heart smile? I have, many times because love is powerful. Love can temporarily alter your mental health and have an impact of how you think, speak and act. In my opinion, there is nothing more powerful than love.


3. Love cannot be replaced.

I honestly believe that the reason why we suffer in this life is because we spend our lives running away from love, for fear of being vulnerable and we replace it with un-necessary things, like: money, possessions, games and emotions. We do this because we want to have power over love; we deeply fear that love can have power over us and it makes us suffer even more. I’ve come to learn that love is not meant to be replaced; but, meant to be embraced.


4. Embracing love is worth it.

The only thing that I have ever really regretted is not telling someone that I loved that I love them. In my last year of High School, I fell madly-in-love with one of my best friends and I could tell that he felt the same way about me. People thought that we were a couple because we were always together. Whenever I thought about telling him my feelings, I became afraid that I would be rejected like I was before and it stopped me from embracing how I truly felt and telling him how I felt. After High School, we went our separate ways and he began dating his (now) wife. I felt sincere regret about what had happened. Ultimately, I wanted the best for him but I couldn’t help but question if I was the best for him once I found out that he was getting married a few years ago. I made a promise to always tell someone that I loved them because feeling regret is worse than knowing that that person knows how you feel about them.

Why do I want to forgive him?

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 Why do I want to forgive him?

Because what will holding onto him do for me? It didn't help me in the past. So how will it help me in the future?

I want to forgive him because I was actually the one who lied. I lied to myself about who he had shown me to be. He was himself, I believed the idea of him- not who he really is. I move forward with the truth, and the truth is that he didn't respect me.

I want to forgive him because my loving heart has no space to store all the hurt from the past. There is more to life than remembering what is wrong with everyone, especially someone that I want to do nothing more with.

I want to forgive him because no one is perfect and in this imperfect human body I am in no state to hold anything against anyone. I want to forgive him because I am not perfect- others have forgiven me too.

6 raisons pour lesquelles l'amour est un mythe dans le monde occidental.

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Si vous vivez dans un pays occidental, il est clair que les bases d'une relation de santé font défaut. Au cours des dernières décennies, il semble que l’idée d’une relation saine devienne une erreur, c’est la raison pour laquelle nous sommes si nombreux à la rechercher. Mais plus nous le cherchons, plus il semble difficile de le trouver pour ces 6 raisons:




1. Nous sommes égoïstes.

C’est seulement au cours des six dernières années que j’ai compris ce que cela signifiait, car j’avais moi aussi (et ai toujours) des habitudes égoïstes. Nous vivons dans une société de consommation qui répond à nos besoins. Nous passons beaucoup de temps à prendre et à obtenir; nous passons à peine du temps à rendre. Nous attendons que l'autre personne donne d'abord avant de donner. Nous avons besoin de preuves que nous aurons retrouvé l'amour avant de pouvoir le donner. C'est égoïste. Et, le véritable amour est désintéressé. Au lieu de prendre et d'obtenir de l'amour. Donnez-le d'abord et voyez où cela vous mènera, vous ne le récupérerez peut-être pas, mais au moins vous saurez que vous avez fait votre part et que vous êtes ouvert à aimer vraiment.



2. Nous sommes obsédés par les matériaux et l'apparence.

On nous a dit que si vous êtes peu attrayant, si vous n’avez pas beaucoup d’argent ou si vous ne suivez pas les dernières tendances, vous êtes indigne de l’amour. C'est un mensonge parce que nous sommes tous dignes d'amour. Nous sommes dignes d'amour parce que nous sommes issus de l'amour, de la vibration et de la nature. Une relation est basée sur l'amour mais n'est rien sans amour et respect; les matériaux et les regards ne sont pas dans cette équation. Lorsque des difficultés surviennent dans votre relation, l'amour et le respect vous mèneront à travers les difficultés, pas les matériaux et l'apparence.




3. Nous cherchons l'amour en dehors de nous-mêmes.

Si vous pensez à un film romantique, le personnage principal rencontre soudainement l'amour de quelqu'un d'autre et le monde change. Soudain, la personne qui cherchait l'amour le trouva et tout leur monde se présenta mieux. Vous pourriez argumenter que sans l'autre personne, ils n'auraient peut-être pas rencontré l'amour. Mettre beaucoup de pression sur l'autre personne pour qu'elle réponde à cet aspect de ses besoins. Et nous portons cette mentalité dans le monde des rencontres - avec de grands espoirs et des rêves que nous allons trouver «le bon». Et si je vous disais que c'est vous? Me croirais-tu? Comprendriez-vous que la personne qui vous regarde dans le miroir est (et a toujours été) celle-là. Plus vous vous aimez, prenez soin de vous et êtes là pour vous-même, plus vous pourrez aimer, prendre soin de vous et être là pour les autres. Parce que vous avez développé votre propre véritable compréhension de l'amour. Une fois que vous êtes là pour vous-même, vous évacuez la pression de l'autre personne pour qu'elle soit constamment à vos côtés. Deux personnes nécessiteuses dans une relation égale un drame; deux personnes en bonne santé et épanouies dans une relation égale le fondement d’une relation saine et prospère.


4. Quand on a fini avec quelque chose, on l'oublie.

Une autre extension de cette société de consommation est que lorsque nous achetons quelque chose, nous l’utilisons jusqu’à ce que ce soit fait et ensuite nous le jetons. C'est ainsi que nous traitons les gens aussi. Je me suis trouvé coupable de cela parce que cela est profondément enraciné dans notre conditionnement. Quand nous rencontrons quelqu'un, il est la meilleure personne en vie et nous voulons le voir tous les jours jusqu'à ce que nous passions à quelqu'un d'autre. Le problème avec cette mentalité est que les gens ne sont pas remplaçables. Et, parfois, nous passons à quelqu'un d'autre parce que nous en avons marre de la première personne seulement pour découvrir que nous étions les seuls à avoir des problèmes, ce que nous aurions pu résoudre en restant avec la première personne, en grandissant ensemble, en travaillant sur nous-mêmes et faire un effort pour être un bon partenaire.




5. Nous blâmons les autres pour nos problèmes.

Nous vivons des moments difficiles, qui ne doivent pas nécessairement être une mauvaise chose. Cela signifie simplement que nous avons tous du travail à faire. Suivre la tendance à blâmer quelqu'un d'autre pour vos problèmes crée non seulement une mentalité de victime, mais vous rend difficile d'être avec vous. Et, lorsque vous êtes difficile, vous ne souhaitez pas vous isoler. Un autre problème avec le fait de blâmer les autres pour ce que vous vivez dans votre vie est que cela développe une mentalité selon laquelle vous n'êtes pas responsable de votre vie. Et devine quoi? Une relation saine nécessite deux personnes qui assument la responsabilité de leurs propres actions et de leur bien-être. Qui veut être coincé avec quelqu'un qui continue à vous blâmer quand vous vous disputez? Une dispute prend deux personnes à discuter et une relation saine prend deux personnes à réfléchir et à avancer avec amour et compassion les uns envers les autres.




6. Nous avons du mal à être seuls.

Jusqu'à l'âge de 23 ans, j'avais toujours été en couple depuis mon adolescence. J'ai décidé de rompre avec quelqu'un que je voyais sur le moment parce que j'ai remarqué que j'avais beaucoup de guérison à faire. Une grande partie de la guérison que je devais faire concernait les hommes, en général, car je me suis retrouvé à vaincre toutes mes frustrations, ma douleur et ma colère que chaque homme m'avait fait subir à la personne avec qui j'étais. Je nuisais à notre relation parce que j'étais pleine de rage et de pardon. J'ai appris que J'avais besoin d'être seul pour pouvoir guérir afin d'être un meilleur partenaire pour la prochaine personne avec qui j'étais. Oui, mon ancien partenaire méritait que je sois fâché contre lui parfois mais (à cause de mes problèmes) je l'ai amené à un autre niveau. Être seul m'a aidé à réaliser que je ne pouvais pas masquer mes émotions derrière le comportement de quelqu'un d'autre. Si jamais je veux une relation saine, je dois y entrer comme la version la plus saine de moi-même.

The 4 Things That a Good Woman wants from Her Man.

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Romantically, I had a dark year last year. I went from finding out that my ‘so-called’ soulmate was someone who I would prefer to stay away from for now,to developing feelings for a man who I found out was married.


After the latter happened, I swore that I was done with love. I came home from a night of drinking and decided to ‘delete love’. The next day, I had an awful feeling in my body. That feeling was me denying the very essence of why I get up in the morning, love!


I love love. It’s my favourite thing in The World. I love the feeling that it gives us, I love that we become more connected with it and I love the fact that when you have fallen in love with someone, you can’t eat, sleep or do anything without person popping into your head.


So, I started to think... Maybe I love love too much? Or, maybe I love love enough? Regardless of how I feel about love, it is clear that some of the men that I have loved were clueless about the fundamentals of respect and being in a relationship. Which, hurt us. It takes two people in a relationship and I definitely played a part in the problems of our relationships; however, I do think that men (in general) need to know what a good woman wants from her man so that she doesn’t find herself repeating herself or bored of dealing with a man and his patterns.


So, here are 4 things that a good woman wants from her man:


1. Presence.

I often tell this story of how I had an ex whose eyes would always land on another woman when I was talking to him. I know that he is human and has eyes who has the free-will to look at whomever he wishes; however, when someone is speaking and you don’t listen to them and engage them, you are basically telling them that you wish they were not there. The energy of being heard, understood and looked at are very different to the energy of having a conversation with someone who is not there. The same goes for being in someone’s life. No matter how much money you make or the future that you’ve planned with someone. If she doesn’t know that you like/love her, there is no point in planning a future with this person because she might not be around once all your plans have been carefully constructed. A good woman would prefer your presence over money and future plans anyway because the road you are headed down starts today.


2. Respect.

Have you ever heard about the story of the lady who was taken out on a date by a man and on the date, the man leered at other women, was on his phone the entire time, flirted with the waitress, told her that he was going on a date with someone else tomorrow, made her pay for dinner and then he professed his love to her and asked to see her again soon? I did a total exaggeration of this story; however, each of these incidents has happened to me on separate occasions. And, I always wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. So, I would give them another chance. Only to find out that their ‘professed love’ was not enough.


You can send flowers, post on IG, write songs or have messages delivered to a woman; however, if your actions do not back this up with genuine respect, your actions are wasted. A good woman asks to be respected and if she isn’t respected, she would rather be alone than be disrespected because she understands that companionship is based on genuine respect and understanding.


3. Vulnerability.

At this moment in my life, I am so turned off by how a lot of men approach women. There is this general attitude that the woman should be kind, open, vulnerable and understanding but the man shouldn’t be. The man should be a man and not show his vulnerable side because ‘if he is a man, he has armor’. How do we expect relationships to last if one person goes in ready for battle? After one of my exes ghosted me for two weeks, he appeared again only to tell me that we hadn’t ‘professed our undying love for each other’ and that I needed to chill. This armor that society expects males to put on hurts their partners because when one person is vulnerable, they ought to be cared for; not abandoned or hurt.


A good woman wants a man who is able to be open and receptive because she knows that it is a quality needed in order for a healthy relationship to thrive.


4. Your honest word.

We can all make promises but not all of us can keep those promises. But behind every broken promise is someone hurt by the lack of that promise not being followed through with. Women don’t want The Moon, The Sky, The Heavens and the Milky Way, we just want honesty and kept promises. We understand that you are human and that you will mess up; but continuously messing up is another story. We understand that you might not always be able to; but never being able to is a red flag. I had an ex-boyfriend admit to me that he lied about receiving a text from his ex because he was afraid that I would break up with him. This made me more angry than if I had known that she was texting him because good women want to be on the same page as their men and, if anything comes in-between that, they feel blindsided and feel as though communication & trust is out the window. Trust your woman enough to know that she can handle the truth. You don’t have to lie to her to keep her and, if you do, maybe she isn’t the one that you are meant to be with. A relationship is built on honesty because the truth always comes out and when it does, get ready to defend your lie and/or watch her walk away from you.

The 6 Reasons Why Love Has Become A Myth In The West.

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If you live in a Western country, it is clear to see that something about the foundation of a health relationship is missing. Over the past few decades, it seems like the idea of having a healthy relationship is becoming a fallacy, that’s why so many of us keeping searching for it. But, the more that we search for it, the harder it seems to find because of these 6 reasons:


1. We are selfish.

Only in the past 6 years have I come to understand what this means because I, too, had (and still have) selfish habits. We live in a consumerist society which is catered to our needs. We spend a lot of time taking and getting; we hardly spend time giving back. We wait for the other person to give first before we give. We need proof that we will get love back before we can give it. This is is selfish. And, true love is selfless. Instead of taking and getting love. Give it first and see where it leads you to, you might not get it back but at least you know that you did your part and that you are open to truly loving.


2. We are obsessed with materials and looks.

We’ve been sold a lie that if you are unattractive, don’t have a lot of money or don’t keep up with the latest trends, then you are unworthy of love. This is a lie because we are all worthy of love. We are worthy of love because we came from love, vibrationally and from nature. A relationship is based on love but is nothing without love and respect; materials and looks are not in that equation. When difficulty arises in your relationship, love and respect will bring you through hardship, not materials and looks.


3. We look outside of ourselves for love.

If you think of a romantic movie, the main character(s) suddenly encounter love from someone else and the world changes. Suddenly, the person who was looking for love found it and their whole world looks better. You could argue that without the other person, they might not have encountered love. Putting a lot of pressure on the other person to fulfill this aspect of their needs. And, we carry this mentality into the dating world- with high hopes and dreams that we will find ‘the one’. What if I told you that you are the one? Would you believe me? Would you come to understand that the person that looks back at you in the mirror is (and always has been) the one. The more that you love yourself, take care of yourself and are there for yourself, you are able to love, care and be there for others. Because you have developed your own true understanding of love. Once you are there for yourself, you take pressure off of the other person to constantly be there for you. Two needy people in a relationship equals drama; two healthy and fulfilled people in a relationship equals the foundation of a health and thriving relationship.

4. When we are done with something, we forget about it.

Another extension of this consumerist society is that when we buy something, we use it up until it’s done and then we throw it out. This is how we treat people, too. I have found myself guilty of this because it’s deeply rooted in our conditioning. When we meet someone, they are the best person alive and we want to see them everyday until we move on to someone else. The problem with this mentality is that people are not replaceable. And, sometimes we move on to someone else because we are fed up with the first person only to find out that we were the ones with the problems, which we could’ve resolved by staying with the first person, growing together, working on ourselves and making an effort to be a good partner.


5. We blame other people for our problems.

We are living in some challenging times, which doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It just means that all of us have work to do. Following the trend of blaming someone else for your problems not only creates a victim mentality but it makes you difficult to be around. And, when you are difficult to be around, you unwilling isolate yourself. Another problem with blaming other people for where you at in your life is that it develops a mentality that you are not responsible for your life. And guess what? A healthy relationship requires two people in it who take responsibility for their own actions and wellbeing. Who wants to be stuck with someone who continues to blame you when you get into an argument? An argument takes two people to argue and a healthy relationship takes two people to reflect and move forward with love and compassion towards each other.


6. We have difficulty being alone.

Until I was 23, I had always been in a relationship since I was a teenager. I decided to break things off with someone I had been seeing at the moment because I noticed that I had a lot of healing to do. A lot of the healing that I had to make was towards men, in general, because I found myself taking out all of my frustrations, hurt and anger that every man had done to me on the person that I was with. I was hurting our relationship because I was filled with rage and unforgiveness. I learnt that I needed to be alone in order to heal so that I could be a better partner for the next person that I was with. Yes, my former partner deserved me to be upset with him sometimes but (because of my issues) I took it to another level. Being alone helped me realize that I can’t mask my emotions behind someone else’s behaviour. If I ever want a healthy relationship, I have to come into it as the healthiest version of myself.

4 things that I wish I’d known before I had a miscarriage.

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Image by Unsplash

 

Two years ago, I experienced the biggest heartbreak that I had ever gone through. In a week, I went from planning to move to another state with my (then) boyfriend & being pregnant to being single and having lost my baby.
When it first happened, I was afraid to mourn because I was afraid that I would cry for days-on-end and that my life would come to an end. Two weeks later, I shared a bottle of wine with a friend and I realized that I had some healing to do. Although the healing process wasn’t easy, I made an effort every single day to come out stronger than before.

And, thank God that I did because I learnt so much. This experience had to happen, if I could re-do, this is what I wish I had known about having a miscarriage:

1. Some people will doubt you.

One of the most hurtful things you can ask someone who has gone through a miscarriage is if they were pregnant to begin with. A few people asked me this question and it messes with your mind, especially because of your hormonal imbalance. I wondered how people can be wreckless with their mouths and not truly understand what it feels like to be full of love and, then the next moment, be empty of love. The point is that they don’t understand and, they don’t have to. As long as you know the truth, someone else’s opinion does not matter.


2. You might get blamed.

I’m not sure why society is so cruel to women? But this is a reality that we, as women, have to face. When I told a former friend what had happened, she said that it was my fault and that I needed to look at who I was surrounding myself with. I made a decision to release toxic things and people out of my life and she was one of them. It seems so ludicrous to me that a woman going through so much pain is at fault when something is done to her. This is extended out to harassment, assault and different gender biases in the world. The best thing that you can do is surround yourself by supportive people who genuinely care and are not keeping you around to make themselves feel righteous about their existence and experiences. We are all human and we fall. Surround yourself with people who will help you get up, not people who will keep you down.

3. You will be okay.

I have never expressed to anyone the amount of pain that I felt finding out that I was pregnant and being left by my partner to have to deal with it myself. Some of the people that I told a hint of what I was going through, had so much to say about what I should do- particularly men. Which is very interesting to me. I made a decision not to tell others because I knew in my heart that God had a plan for me. I knew that having the miscarriage was what was best for me at that moment and that my baby’s soul had touched my life and my heart for a reason.

4. Everything happens for a reason.

I am a firm-believer that everything is exactly the way that it is meant to be. Easy to say when things are going your way; however, not easy to say when the life that you thought that you wanted has been taken away from you. Truthfully, my boyfriend (at the time) suffered from a mental illness and was verbally abusive towards me. I didn’t tell anyone how manipulative, cruel and vengeful he was because I didn’t want people to judge him for his struggles. Looking back, I can’t imagine having put a baby through being treated the way that I was. I am grateful for this lesson because, even though it was difficult to learn: when the time comes to have a baby it will be with someone that I know is mentally, physically and spiritually capable of being responsible for another human being. I made a promise to God that until that day comes, I will focus on being the best version of myself and if I don’t have a child, that is okay. Like The Course in Miracles says, ‘Nothing real can be threatened.’