They say too much of anything is bad for you and while I am hesitant to go along with the masses, I believe this to be true. Mostly because I have learned a lot about being the kind of person that gives all or nothing.
A lot of my life has been about alchemy, particularly when it comes to health and feeling good in my own body. I’ve carried this trend to almost everything that I have done and, recently, self-help and positivity.

Even though last year was the hardest year of my life, it was the one that carried the most growth for me. I learned that I didn’t have to overthink, over-fix or over-do anything, there is only so much that I can do. When I teach my students this, it makes sense to me. However, applying it is always something that is challenging- especially because I believe in hard-work and overcoming obstacles.

In 2020, I was forced to accept that sometimes I just have to sit with a feeling and not take things so personally. I couldn’t force the outcome through positive-thinking because that was becoming toxic.

Here are 3 reasons why I stopped forcing positivity:

1. I am a Spirit in a human body.
No matter what religious or cultural background you have adopted in this lifetime, life is not meant to be easy. And, when we expect it to be that way, we are only touching the surface. Which doesn’t do anything for us but project a false sense of who we are.

We cannot change, grow or evolve if we are just skimming the surface. It usually takes depth and understanding to do so. The whole human experience is meant to be profound and multidimensional; not just 3-d.

In this humanly body, I want to have evolved through depth and conception not by forcing a projected idea of what others think I should be. This experience involves crying, laughing, smiling, being neutral and other phases without judgement and attachment but with understanding and compassion.

2. Positive gaslighting is a real thing.

When I had one of my most pivotal moments in my life, I was 23 and had left an emotionally abusive relationship. Which both of us were complicit in.
After I ended this relationship, I became sober and did hot yoga everyday for 30-days straight. As a result, I had memories of shame regarding how I behaved when I used to drink to numb the pain of the reality that I created in my life. The embarrassment felt so over-whelming sometimes that I would suppress these feelings and shut them out.

I tried to erase my mistake-filled past with being perfect. Eating the right things, behaving perfectly, being almost holy and embodying what others would describe as sweet or nice. It was a facade that I projected to avoid accepting that I hadn’t behaved in the best way before.

I was subconsciously torturing myself for the past by not allowing myself to be human or feel. I was gaslighting myself with positivity by creating an alternative reality as to how things truly were. When I was faced with challenging people and things, I would lie to myself and project that it was easy and I was fine because I felt guilty of how I had acted in the past.
I came to realize that guilt cannot take back time and through forgiveness and grace, I can offer myself another chance to do things differently. Not out of force but by natural evolution and change.

3. There is no need to force anything in life.
There is a difference between effort and force. In fact, forcing some things to work out has landed me in a lot of trouble. Especially when dealing with other people.
Because I am a hard-worker and give things my all, sometimes I can give more and take on things that I am not meant to. This has attracted people (to me) who are okay with taking and offering little-in-return because when they don’t want to assume responsibility in the relationship, I will.

This is a toxic belief system. One that I have left behind. I cannot and won’t do work for others in relationships: it is meant to be shared. I used to give myself positive talks when dealing with emotionally abusive people of situations by saying things like, ‘You are stronger than this’, ‘You attracted this’, ‘We all have our issues’ or, ‘What if they were just having a bad day’.

These phrases might be true; however, if I use them to gloss over serious issues, they are not helping me or anyone else but merely doing harm. Yes, positivity can be toxic, too.