If someone had told me that I would’ve fallen in love with a narcissist, I would tell them that it was not possible and refuse to believe them. So, when I did fall in love with one, it felt like I was going crazy.

*According to the traditional dictionary, a narcissist is a person who is overly self-involved, often vain and selfish.

All the red flags were there; however, I ignored them because I didn’t want to believe that I was dumb enough or someone else could be manipulative enough to have the characteristics that he had. And, the worst part is that the class narcissistic traits didn’t show up in the beginning, they unfolded during our relationship. Until, I mustered every ounce of strength within me to move on from him and his toxic behaviour.
Now that I have let that relationship go, it is clear to me what happened and I can see that I was in love with a narcissist.

Here are 3 Things that I learnt from the experience:

1. The real thing is worth waiting for.

As a classic narcissist, this man would tell me everything that I wanted to hear. When we met, I had just moved to Los Angeles and had admired his music. I manifested meeting him and when we met, he made it known that he wanted to be with me. I was apprehensive because I didn’t want to be with another person who was famous (I had dated a well-known person before), and I also had a lot of issues with how he treated women. His music videos were bombarded with naked women and I became embarrassed of what my family would think if I dated (or even) married him.

I resisted being in a relationship with him and as a result, he would follow me and make sure that his presence was known. He put up billboards near where I frequented, got people to play songs that he had written about me around me and would mimic my behaviour about wellness so that I would think he was a person who was evolving and working on himself. He portrayed an image to me of someone who I would consider giving a chance to have in my life. As his mask began to crumble, I noticed his inauthenticity and that he was putting on a façade so that I wouldn’t leave our relationship. The only problem is that he wasn’t being authentic. Who he presented himself to me as was a different person to who he actually was, I started to figure this out.

This taught me that the person who is worthy of being with will take time. If someone wants to shower you with love and what you want to hear, they might be avoiding revealing a big part of themselves to you: their true selves.

2. Our intuition is power.

This was the biggest lesson that I took from this relationship. There is a reason why it took me so long to go on a date with him in the first place because I was never really into him. I knew that there was something he was hiding and I had a feeling that he wasn’t being true or honest with me and mostly, with himself. I have always been intuitive; however, where people who take advantage of me get me is by trying to make me believe that I am not a good person because I aim to be kind and considerate to everyone until you have proven to me that my kindness will go to waste. Which, is what he did.

I started dating him out of compassion, then I started to see that I was sacrificing a part of myself. Once I noticed that I was losing myself, I would try and end things. Which is when the manipulation would start. He would tell me that his life would be nothing without me or that he couldn’t live without me. After we broke up, I became his friend because he was doing badly and I felt remorse for him and his kids. He used this as a way to ask for my hand in marriage. He asked me to marry him almost everyday for two weeks. I was so exhausted, I almost said ‘Yes’ to get him off my back but then I remembered the pain that he had caused me that led me to break up with him in the first place.

I knew in the beginning that the outcome would be as is, before anything happened because my intuition knew that he was not in alignment with being authentic or coming from a good place. Now, I listen to that voice because that nudge is a gift from God that could save me from experiences that are avoidable.

3. Asking to be with someone kind is not asking for too much.

During The Summer, I initially broke up with him because I had found something that disturbed me on his Instagram story. He was on a yacht with two women and he was pressed up against a woman from behind. No man who is in a monogamous relationship with a woman should be doing this with another woman. We had had discussions of how this behaviour had previously upset me, so the fact that he continued to do it pushed me to my edge. He spent some time trying to get me back while I was going through one of the hardest times of my life.

I had discovered that I had an unknown stalker who I woke up to on my dining room floor professing his love for me. Most people that I told this story to were upset and concerned but, not him. In fact, he didn’t even care. He didn’t ask how I was doing or was even bothered because he (ultimately) had no respect for me as a person. This was a huge sign and I distanced myself from him even more after this because I realized that not all company is good company. I didn’t want to just keep him around for the sake of having an extra body in my life. I want people in my life who genuinely care about me and are kind enough to ask if I am okay when something horrific happens. Asking to be around kind and considerate people isn’t asking for too much.

Since we have broken up, he has said the most vile things about me and has sent hate and negative vibes my way. But, I am not bothered or affected. I learnt what I needed to learn from the situation. I still love him but from a distance and through a different lens. I see with clarity that people who abuse me, speak badly of me, are disloyal and unkind do not deserve me.