’Lives fall apart when they need to be rebuilt.’- Iyanla Vanzant.
Izinto ezidingekayo ukufundisa izingane zakho, omunye nomunye nathi.
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Ngikhathazekile ngokuthi sihamba kuphi njengomuntu, ngokujwayelekile. Kubonakala sengathi sesizwele, sibhekene nento yonke futhi silungele ukuhlaselwa komunye nomunye Ukusuka ku-Twitter kuya emigwaqweni, sivame ukukhetha ukungabi nandaba nokuhlukanisa phezu kothando, ukwamukelwa nokuzwelana. Ngibize ngidala kodwa ngikholelwa ekuthetheleleni, ukuthula, ukuba nomusa nokukhetha uthando. Futhi yilokhu engicabanga ukuthi kufanele sizifundise thina, omunye nomunye nezingane zethu:
1. Yiba pro-umuntu! Hlanganisa endleleni yakho enenkululeko, ubulungiswa kanye nenkululeko.
2. Yamukela ukuthi abantu bakhetha ukuzimela kanjani.
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi umuntu ukhetha ukugqoka izinwele zakhe eqondile, ezihlotshisiwe, ezibomvu, ezimhlophe noma eziluhlaza, zamukela ukuthi umzimba wazo futhi zikhetha ukuzimela ngendlela ethile. Indlela abaye bakhetha ukwenza ngayo akuyona yebhizinisi lakho.
3. Imali akuyona ukuphela konke kube konke. Yebo, imali inhle. Kodwa namanje ujabulele impilo yakho. Ukuphila kufana nokulinganisela futhi nakuba ungadinga imali ukuze uphile, akudingeki ukuba uphile ngemali.
4. Okunye ukulwa akufanelekile ukulwa. Kungenxa yokuthi siphila esikhathini esiye sabalalisa futhi samukela ukulwa njengendlela evamile, akusho ukuthi udinga ukufaka isandla kulo. Khetha ukuthi ufuna ukulwa nani. Awukwazi ukulwa nawo wonke umuntu nakho konke.
5. Kukhona okwanele ukuba wonke umuntu azungeze. Sinalo mqondo wokuntuleka, okuyinto yokwenza ukwesaba. Futhi, ukwesaba okuphambene nothando. Sivela othandweni nothando yi-vibration enamandla kakhulu; ngakho-ke leyo mbono ayiyona enembile. Sonke singaphumelela. Ngokuningi kwethu okuphumelelayo, okunye kuzoba khona ukuhamba nxazonke.
6. Singaphakanyiswa phezulu. Kwanele ngokubuka abanye abantu behlupheka futhi bengabasiza abanye ngokwanele ngokuhaha. Uma uthola, unike! Uma ufunda, fundisa!
7. Yiba nomusa.
Kuyinto elula futhi ikushiye kabi-Karma mahhala.
8. Lalela.
Umsindo wezwi lakho uyanxusa emva kwesikhathi. Ngezinye izikhathi, kungcono ukulalela kuphela.
9. Ukusekela abanye abantu ensimini yakho. Siva-me ukucabanga ngabantu abasembonini efanayo nathi njengomncintiswano. Noma kunjalo, ingaba umthombo wakho wokusekela, ngokuphambene nalokho.
9. Phila namuhla!
Okudlulile kwenziwa futhi ikusasa alithembiswanga. Namuhla usuku okufanele uphile ngalo, wamukele!
10. Awudingi ukufakazela ukuthi yini oyithandayo. Ufanelwe uthando njengoba nje ukhona. Asikho isidingo sokufakazela ukuthi ufanelwe, usuvele ukhona.
11. Hlalani nivulekile.
Kunzima ngezinye izikhathi. Kodwa, ukuphila kungcono ukubonwa nge-lens ecacile; akekho owodwa oshiwo yilokho abantu abakusho ngaphambili futhi bacabanga ngawe.
12. Uthethelele!
Asikho isidingo sokubamba endleleni oye waphathwa ngayo noma lokho abantu abakushoyo ngawe. Kuyeke kuhambe!
13. Nika konke!
Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi othandweni, emsebenzini noma empilweni, unike konke! Ngaleyo ndlela uyazi ukuthi wenze okusemandleni akho!
14. Awudingi ukukhamuluka ukuzwa. Ngezinye izikhathi ukuthula kungakhuluma okuningi.
15. Vuka ngenhla.
Ukuphakama ngenhla kwabazondayo, ukuphakama ngaphezu kwamazwana aphikisayo, ukuphakama ngaphezu kwezimo, ukuphakama ngaphezu kokungabaza, ukuphakama ngaphezu kokwesaba, ukuphakama ngaphezu kwesahlulelo, ukuphakama ngaphezu kwezitha, ukukhuphukela ngaphezu kokulimala, ukuphakama ngaphezu kwezenzo eziphezulu nokuphakama ngaphezu kobuhlungu.
15 things we need to teach each other, ourselves and our kids.
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I’m concerned about where we are headed as humanity, in general. It seems like we have become sensitive, bothered about everything and ready to attack each other - at the drop of a hat.
From Twitter to the streets, we tend to choose negativity and divisiveness over love, acceptance and compassion.
Call me old-fashioned but I believe in forgiveness, peace, being kind and choosing love. And this is what I think we should be teaching ourselves, each other and our kids:
1. Be pro-human!
Be inclusive in your path to freedom, justice and liberation.
2. Accept how people choose to represent themselves.
Whether someone chooses to wear their hair straight, curly, brown, blonde or green, accept that it’s their body and they are choosing to represent themselves a certain way. How they have chosen to do so is none of your business.
3. Money is not the end all be all.
Yes, money is nice. But still enjoy your life. Life is about balance and although you may need money to live, you don’t need to live for money.
4. Some fights are not worth fighting.
Just because we are living in an era that has popularized and accepted fighting as the norm, doesn’t mean that you need to contribute to it. Choose what you want to fight over. You can’t fight everyone and everything.
5. There is enough for everyone to go around.
We have this idea of scarcity, which is a fabrication of fear. And, fear is the opposite of love. We came from love and love is the most powerful vibration; therefore that idea is not accurate. We can all succeed. The more of us that succeed, the more there is to go around.
6. We can lift each other up.
Enough with watching other people suffer and not helping others and enough with the greed. When you get, give! When you learn, teach!
7. Be kind.
It’s simple and leaves you negative-Karma free.
8. Listen.
The sound of your voice gets annoying after sometime. Sometimes, it’s best just to listen.
9. Support other people in your field.
We often think of people being in the same industry as us as competition. However, they can be your source of support, vice versa.
9. Live today!
The past is done and the future is not promised. Today is the day that you have to live, embrace it!
10. You don’t need to prove anything to be loved.
You deserve love just as you are. No need to prove that you are worthy, you already are.
11. Stay open.
It’s difficult sometimes. But, life is better to be seen through a clear lens; not one clouded by what people have previously said and thought about you.
12. Forgive!
There’s no need to hold on to the way that you have been treated or what people have said about you. Let it go!
13. Give your all!
Whether it’s in love, work or health, give your all! That way you know that you did your very best!
14. You don’t have to shout to heard.
Sometimes silence can speak volumes.
15. Rise above.
Rise above haters, rise above negative comments, rise above circumstances, rise above doubt, rise above fear, rise above judgement, rise above enemies, rise above hurt, rise above mediocrity and rise above pain.
4 things that I have learnt to accept
I love getting older. I spent so much of my late teens and early twenties feeling insecure, making mistakes and making a fool out of myself. I have no regrets and over those years, I have learnt to accept these four things:
1. Your intuition is real.
Insecurity is often coupled with doubt. When I was younger, I was doubtful about a lot of things regarding who I was and signs related to the path that I should take in my life. If I met people with energy that I felt was needy, disingenuous or mean-spirited, I would cover it up with, ‘Don’t be silly’ or, ‘Maybe I’m exaggerating it?’ However, now I know to accept people and things as they are. Intuition is looking out for me and it whispers today and screams in a few months- I might as well listen to the whispers.
2. No man is worth chasing.
Ridiculously, this took me 5 years in a relationship with a man who was inconsiderate and selfish to realize this. He was the King of playing chess with my emotions. To be frank, I have only made peace with it and him this year. We met when I was 21 and when I was younger, I chased the idea of him as I was under the impression that people in a love-situation are worth fighting for. However, the person that you are in a relationship with should be fighting too; not only you. I know now that if the person you love isn’t putting in the effort like you are, let it go. Being alone is better than crying and agonizing over someone who is playing games with you.
3. Belief is powerful.
Whether it’s self-belief or belief that you will get a job or an apartment, you need to believe in order for it to happen. Belief reminds the universe that you are on the same page and reminds you that you are able. Across all religions and spiritual texts, they reference to the power of belief because belief is the first and most important part in being better and doing better.
4. Not everyone will like you.
This can be painful to accept but once you do, it is very liberating. I’ve never really been a suck-up; however, people not liking me used to bother me. I would need to prove to people that I was worthy. I often tell people the story of when I had someone that didn’t like me take my yoga class a few years ago, she decided in 5 minutes of the class that she didn’t want to take it- so she left. She cursed at me behind the door that I shut after her and complained about me to the girl working front desk that evening. Once she left, I made a decision to let her go because I had over 30 other people in the room. I could focus on her or focus on the people who are enjoying my class- this lesson has transferred to all areas of my life. I no longer have a need to seek approval from people who don’t like me because I am enough, with or without other people’s approval.
12 more reasons why I still forgive
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Forgiveness is not easy; but necessary. When people or circumstances do us wrong, our egos can play the victim and past hurts come to the surface. Which can make it difficult to see the light that occurs once you forgive.
The light once you forgive someone or something could be your freedom, ability to find peace or that you can move on with life. Forgiveness is important and this is why:
1. I forgive because it is time.
2. I forgive because at some point, I have to let it go.
3. I forgive because I want to see what’s on the other side of forgiveness.
4. I forgive because there is an end to everything, including anger, resentment and despair.
5. I forgive because who wants to hold onto baggage?
6. I forgive because stepping forward feels more natural than going in reverse.
7. I forgive because letting go is powerful.
8. I forgive because I don’t want it anymore.
9. I forgive because I want my power back.
10. I forgive because progress is a choice.
11. I forgive because like Ghandi said, ‘an eye for an eye leaves the world blind’
12. I forgive because I want to embody peace, love and happiness; not rage, resentment and anger.
7 ways to lift your self-esteem
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In the past year I've really learned what it means to have self-worth. I am finding out more and more that when you can appreciate yourself it is a true blessing.
I thought that I would share a few ways that helped me raise my self-esteem:
1. Learn to say "no."
This way, when you say yes it's for things that are meaningful. When you learn to say no to things and people, it helps you prioritize and remember what's in your best interest. You also begin to like and appreciate yourself for having your own back. The reality is that only you can have your back because, you're the only person who can know what you truly want.
2. Forgive yourself!
The only way to move beyond the past is to let go of it. We all make mistakes, but holding on to them, or telling yourself how badly you've done won't help you achieve anything positive in your life. Let go of the judgment and nasty names that you've called yourself, and move forward.
3. Limit your apologies only for when you hurt people.
Only say sorry when you've hurt someone. When you continuously say sorry for making mistakes, you're basically apologizing for living. Everyone makes mistakes in life — that's a guarantee. It's nothing to be apologetic about. It also makes your apology to someone you've hurt more meaningful and special because you aren't throwing around the word a lot.
4. Respect yourself.
When you respect yourself, the attitude seeps into to all areas of your life. It means that what you put in your mouth, what you tell yourself and what you do all have healthy benefits to you and your body. Feeling guilty and ashamed isn't a form of respect. So steer away from things that make you feel that way. Put things in your body and mind that make you feel good about yourself and proud of your decisions.
5. Set up clear boundaries for people in your life.
People treat you how you allow them to treat you. If you allow chaos and drama into your life, that's what you'll get. If you allow happiness and joy into your life, you'll get that instead! You deserve to be respected, and only you can initiate this by telling yourself and others what you do and don't appreciate in your life.
6. Surround yourself with people who are positive influences.
People who are negative tend to be a drag to be around. It can be exhausting to deal with people that see the worst in everything. One of the great things about life is that you can decide who you want to be in your life. You deserve people in your life who will lift you up with positivity, and you deserve to lift others up with positivity, too.
7. Smile at yourself in the mirror.
If you want to be mean to yourself, then by all means, go ahead and wish you could be better-looking, call yourself hurtful names and tell yourself that you're unworthy of love. However, if you want to be kind to yourself, start by smiling. Just smile at yourself and you will begin a positive and healthy relationship with yourself.
4 reasons why I’ll never pick up a gossip magazine
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The first time that I read a gossip magazine, I found solace in the fact that the celebrities that looked perfect on magazine covers looked worse than I did without the retouching and hours of makeup.
However, over a few years I've changed my perspective on reading gossip magazines. Six years ago I gave up reading them completely; this is why:
1. Pointing out someone else's imperfections contributes negativity to the world.
Tabloids hardly ever have something nice to say about someone, and in fact promote themselves through negativity. By reading them, I am contributing to the negativity of the world because I have decided to invest my time and money into putting other people down.
2. Putting others down doesn't make me a better person. It does the opposite.
Putting other people down to make myself feel better won't lift up my self-esteem or contribute anything positive into my life. My former insecure self wasn't pleased enough with herself to celebrate other people's success, so I found pleasure in seeing others fail or look bad. Which didn't do anything other than feed my ego and keep me in a cycle of negativity.
3. Being mean doesn't lead to success.
Judging and criticizing celebrities didn't lead to progression or success in my life. Putting people down won't suddenly give me everything that I hoped for. The only thing it does is feed my mind and soul with negativity. I decided to come to terms with the fact that all the time and energy I was spending on reading these magazines could be spent on something that will bring a positive result. Gossiping, judging and criticizing won't get me anywhere down the road that I want to go down.
4. Reading gossip magazines contributes to the "Mean Girl" society.
When kids do it, it's seen as bullying. Just because I wasn't speaking directly to the people that I was criticizing, it's still a form of bullying because I was putting down others to make myself feel better about who I was. However, that pleasure doesn't last. Long-lasting and true pleasure comes from being good and doing good for others, so that I can be proud of what I've done and how I have treated people as a whole
My happiness is not at the expense of someone else's downfalls.
4 reasons why it’s time for you to stop being nasty and jealous about and towards other people.
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I can’t speak to how everyone has been raised. However, as a society, we are not promoted to be happy for each other and support one another.
If we were, platforms like Twitter, YouTube, Facebook and Instagram would not thrive off of negativity. Over and over, we see people leaving nasty comments on other people’s feeds and twitter ‘rants’ and ‘wars’ have become the norm.
It is clearly up to each and every one of us to go against this way of life and choose to be happy and supportive for others.
This is why:
1. ‘An eye for an eye leaves the world blind’- Mahatma Ghandi.
I’m a firm-believer in having boundaries and standing up for yourself; however, there is a difference between standing up for yourself and just being plain nasty. If you find yourself constantly feeling as though you need to stand up for yourself, you could just be being nasty. Take the initiative to be kind and caring without waiting for others to do it first. Responsive actions only make you feel more of a victim.
2. Being a nasty and jealous person only attracts nasty and jealous people in your life.
If you are finding yourself surrounded by people and friends who are not supportive and jealous, ask yourself if you are truly happy for others. We attract what we allow. So, if you have allowed yourself to perpetually be jealous every time that someone in your life is doing well, take a look at yourself and change your patterns. That also goes for how you speak to others: if you have allowed yourself to speak to others like they are below you, don’t be surprised when you are surrounded people who do the same. Negativity is energy and until you create new habits, you will continue to attract friends of a similar nature.
3. ‘Nobody likes a Debbie Downer’
A friend of an ex-boyfriend of mine told me this. And, it truly resonated with me. After she said it, I had an image of someone who is negative, sitting alone and being isolated by their negativity. We all know someone, or are that someone, who constantly talks about themselves and that something is always happening to them, the ‘victim’.But, you don’t see people running to be around these victim types.They are often chasing down others to be a part of their lives because people rarely want to be around then and their energy. When I was in a toxic-relationship, it consumed me and all that I could do was talk about what was going wrong and how much of a victim I was . I noticed that a lot of friends disappeared and I blamed them. Now, I see that other people have their own problems and I don’t need to add to others problems, I can deal with my own and ask for advice from time-to-time but not all the time.
4. Use your energy on what you need to.
Emotions can be very powerful and I believe that they carry a lot of energy. So, instead of using that energy to defeat you and lead into a cycle of blame, use that energy to help you progress to where you want to be. When you see someone succeed, be happy for them and remind yourself that yours is coming. Sometimes people that you know succeed to remind you that it is obtainable; not impossible.
10 small acts of kindness that you can practice everyday
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The Dalai Lama famously said, "My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."
Whether you're religious or not, kindness can go a long way toward improving your overall state of mind and sense of happiness. Here are ways that you can practice kindness in your daily lives:
1. Ask your roommate or neighbor how they're doing.
Maybe they need someone to talk to, maybe they feel alone or maybe they just wanted someone to ask them that simple question. It might mean a lot to them.
2. Smile at a cashier or vendor.
When you work long hours interacting with the public, you often come into contact with less-than-pleasant people. A simple smile can improve a worker's day immensely.
3. Tip at least 20%.
If you have the money to go out and have dinner, you can spare a bit extra to leave a decent tip. While money isn't the cure for sadness, an extra couple of bucks might help out with a metro card or a phone bill. You never know when your generosity will be needed.
4. Compliment yourself!
Your love comes from the inside and is shared to others. The only way that you can truly spread love to others is by loving yourself first.
5. Offer a friend an ear just to listen.
Yes, just listen! Your friend might not need to hear what you have to say. They might need you to just sit and listen without judgment or criticism.
6. Move to the side.
There's no need to stand in front of a pathway so that others can't get through. The only thing this action achieves is frustration by those wanting to get past you. If creating frustration is your goal, stand in the way! However, if you want to be kind to others, move to the side and let others pass by.
7. Let someone go ahead of you.
Holding a door open and allowing someone to step ahead of you is a nice reminder that the world doesn't have to revolve around you and where you want to go. It is a simple act of consideration.
8. Use your cellphone considerately.
It's a sad state of affairs when a loved one tries to have a heart-to-heart conversation, only to be met with a distracted, inattentive response. Put your phone away! Have some quality time with your loved ones and surroundings.
9. Let people be!
Judging and criticizing someone unnecessarily can be hurtful for the person who is being judged. Life can be challenging as it is. Why make someone's life harder by adding negativity that doesn't have to be there?
10. Say thank you!
Gratitude is not only for the person you're thanking, but also for the one doing the thanking. Gratitude can remind you how fortunate you have been to have received something that is worth saying thank you to in the first place.
Why I won’t wait for my father to apologize
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My parents went through a dragged-out divorce. Then my father vanished out of my life on my 15th birthday. Before he disappeared that day, he told me that he would bring me the best gift. Fourteen years later, he still hasn't fulfilled that promise.
I spent some time being angry at him and at all men. I sang the songs about how unreliable men were, and took out my pain and anger out on people and things around me. But being angry and full of pain is weighty and self-destructive.
I finally came to peace with him when I realized that it wasn't doing me any good to be angry at him. He's no longer in my life, so there's no need to wait for his apology.
I have forgiven him. I need not wait for his apology to forgive him, here are the reasons why:
1. If I hate him, I hate myself.
People who knew my father would often say, "You look just like your father!" I would reply with anger because I didn't want to be anything like him. I wanted to look like my mother, the woman who did her best to keep our family together; not the man who left three little girls broken-hearted. The truth is that a part of him makes up who I am. If I'm angry at him, I'll subconsciously dislike myself.
After I released my anger, I was OK with looking like him — because I do look like him, and I can't change what I look like. I released my anger for him so that I could completely love who I am.
2. Parents are examples, not perfect examples.
We all make mistakes. Unfortunately, my parent's relationship didn't work out. The details are none of my business. I could judge him and think of other ways that he could've lived his life, but what happened, happened. Once I became an adult, I started to understand more how children who are a result of a complicated relationship can suffer because of the pride and drama that occurs in that kind of relationship. I can sit and cry about it or get on with my beautiful life.
3. Being angry with him was hurting my relationships with men.
For a long time I believed that men were unable to fulfill their promises. My father was the king of unfulfilled promises. I went into relationships believing that I would be lied to, because my father had lied to me so many times. I had no trust in the male race, which left no room for me to trust my former partners. Forgiving my father allows me to give relationships with men a chance. What happened to me isn't my or my partner's fault so there's no need to take out my past on my current romantic relationships. I want to give myself a chance to love without living through the burden of what has happened to me.
4. Blaming someone else stops me from being productive in my life.
When I was angry at my father, other areas of my life were full of drama and negativity. I would blame bad school results and bad behavior on my father. Blaming him didn't help me progress; it kept me in turmoil and dramatic situations. I created a dramatic life and blamed all of it on a person who wasn't even there to take the blame. I came to realize that blaming was only allowing me to play the victim. My life is a blessing, and I take full responsibility for my actions or play the victim. I can't control my life if I constantly blame things that I do on someone who's hurt me.
‘How do I embrace this new love safely?’
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Dear Hali,
Meditation seems so hard for me. I’ve tried so many of them but I still find it so hard to be still. I’ve been meditation for the past three months and get so frustrated with myself. Please help!
Love Gabby,
Hi Gabby,
Hope you are well!
Yes! Meditation can be a lot for the mind. Particularly because we are so used to letting our mind run our lives but I can guarantee you that meditation gets easier with practice and with time. I highly recommend being patient with your body and mind. Also, please keep in mind that meditating is a journey, there is no end result. You don’t need to jump to the finish line. It’s all about embracing the moment, no matter how difficult or challenging it may be. I also recommend starting with short meditations so that your mind has less of a reason to freak out or be intimidated.
Love Hali,
Dear Hali,
I have met someone that I am interested in. Both of us have expressed interest; however, I am afraid of embracing him because of my past. I have dated a lot of abusive men who made me feel less than. I’m afraid that I will end up like I did before. How do I embrace this new love safely?
All yours,
Lucy
Hi Lucy,
Hope you are well!
Ah, yes! I feel like The Universe always sends us what we need to hear. I, too, have met someone who I am interested in. This man is everything that I have ever wanted and it’s nerve-wracking knowing that the feeling might not be reciprocated. I honestly was battling with it lately and was wondering if it was worth giving a chance but I came to the conclusion that love is always worth giving a chance. Looking back at my past relationships, I don’t regret giving or receiving love. Love is always worth it because on the other end is either a partnership with someone who is worthy or a lesson that is worth learning. So, I have decided to embrace this new love and love him as though I have never been hurt because we all deserve that. He doesn’t deserve my past hurt. He deserves the best version of me, that has forgiven and healed. My past hurt is not getting in the way of a beautiful future and, neither should yours.
Hope this helps <3
Hali
What I am grateful for!
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Gratitude is an important practice. It allows for abundance and allows us to trust The Higher Being. It also allows us to have faith and take ourselves out of worry, panic and anxiety because you can’t be fearful and grateful at the same time.
Like Oprah Winfrey has said, ‘I got everything because I practiced gratitude’
Here are 12 things that I am grateful for:
1. Love
We come from it and are made up of it. Love is the most powerful energy circulating around and through us. I am grateful for the chance to love myself, those around me and the nature that I see around me.
2. The Creator
Whether you believe in God, The Universe or another word for it, it is apparent that there is a source that has created us and guides us in the right direction. I have been placed in some of the most dangerous, hurtful or precarious situations and have always found a way out. I am grateful to The Creator for this.
3. The signs sent by The Divine
There are signs all around us. One of my most vivid signs happened to me when I was 23 and I was almost arrested, I began to pray and 3 people appeared to help me out. Signs are sent to us for us to become greater beings and I am grateful for them.
4. My family
They have taught me so much, mostly unconditional love. When I have thought that I wasn’t worthy of love, my family proved that to be different.
5. Previous heartbreak
The first time that I experienced true heartbreak, I wasn’t so grateful for it. However, ten years later, I am grateful for it. Although it happened in the most hurtful way, I learnt, am stronger and won’t put my self in that situation again. I am grateful.
6. Yoga
Yoga has allowed me to internally transform into the person that I want to be. A person filled with love, gratitude and an understanding of other people. Yoga has helped me see the trueness of people and accept all aspects of others and myself. Yoga has helped me progress step-by-step. I am grateful.
7. SoulCycle
Have you been to a class? What is there not to be grateful for?
8. Meditation
I have the ability to start and end my day afresh. Meditation keeps our vibrations high and in line with our purpose.
9. Challenges and difficulty.
It is in tough moments that what I am made of is truly revealed. And, once it’s done, I feel stronger and know that I am stronger because I have conquered what I thought I wasn’t able to.
How I made peace with my body.
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I spent nearly two decades at war with my body. I would wake up to an image in the mirror and I would fight what I saw. I would wish for differently colored eyes, a skinnier body, a narrow nose, thinner lips, lighter skin, smaller thighs, a taller frame, less freckles ... the list was endless.
I wasted a lot of time and energy wanting to look like someone else. I didn't believe compliments, and I even told some people they were wrong if they complimented me. I was fighting a war that I could never win because as long as I was unhappy with what I looked like, I was losing out.
But I finally found peace with my body, and this is how:
1. I stopped comparing myself to the impossible.
I took a look at a magazine cover with an actress who looked like no one I'd ever seen before. She had no wrinkles, no blemishes and she had dropped about three sizes from when I had seen her in an interview the week before. It looked impossible for someone to change their appearance so drastically naturally. That's what I'd been comparing myself to, to people who have either been airbrushed or had plastic surgery.
I gave myself two extreme ultimatums: either get plastic surgery, or start appreciating who I am. Luckily, I'm afraid of needles, so I opted for the latter and started to appreciate who I am. I suddenly found no point in wanting to look like someone who doesn't look natural. As a result, I found true love for myself because that was more possible than looking like the image on the magazine cover.
2. I got tired of putting my body through torture.
The previous war I'd waged on my body consisted of telling myself that I didn't deserve to eat because I had to have smaller thighs by a certain time. I would punish and torture myself so much that even when I reached my goal weight, I wasn't happy with myself because I'd verbally abused myself. Who likes a verbally abusive person? The irony is that I was abusing myself, and through the abuse I continued the cycle feeling badly about my body. As long as I was abusing myself, I wouldn't love myself or my accept my body.
3.Istarted practicing yoga consistently.
One of the things that I love so much aboutyogais that it teaches the beautiful work that our bodies do for us without our realizing it. It also teaches you that what you give your body is what you will receive back. The "yoga high" after class is a result of treating your body well. I developed a great relationship with my body since starting yoga, and I've realized that all that time spent being unhappy can be used on better thoughts. Thoughts that will enlighten me, not bring me down. I realized that I'm only ever able to appreciate the beauty around me if I am at peace with who I am and happy with the body that I've been blessed with.
Dear Hali, answers from a certified health coach
Anything bothering you? Let Hali answer your questions...
I am having difficulty sticking to my workout routine
Dear Hali,
I have trouble sticking to my workout routine. I want to lose weight but I feel like I don’t have the discipline to stick to a workout routine. I am so used to trying out the latest fad workout and then I end up not following through. I want to have a consistent workout and lose weight without my weight going up and down. Please help!- Chelsea
A lot of my clients have this issue. First thing, enjoy your workout! If you have a workout that is hard and not fun, you will have trouble sticking to it. Health is about constancy progression which can only be done through a continuous workout regime. Also, hold yourself accountable. When you start to make excuses, think about the great things that come from working out. Say things to yourself that motivate you and inspire you, it really helps.
Will I find love?
Dear Hali,
I am 32 and I am worried that I won’t get married. I have a history of unhealthy relationships and I am starting to think that I am the problem. - Anne
I So grateful for your letter. No need to worry. It makes sense that you would feel this way. This is what I recommend, write down your role that you have played in the relationships, like I enabled them, I hurt them, I played games or I didn’t create boundaries of respect. When you have your role, think about how that role is serving you ( for example being an enabler stops me from being able to speak my truth in relationships). Now, write down how you want to behave, write down how you want your partner to behave and meditate on it. Create a mantra that will help you vibrate on a higher frequency, like I am love, I believe that I will find love or my past does not define my destiny. Say it over and over again. I am not a therapist but I am a firm-believer in the power of manifestation, meditation and vibrating on a higher frequency.
Dear Hali,
I just received my 200-hr yoga certification and I am very nervous to teach. I feel like I don’t know enough and it’s worrying me. I feel like I spent so much money on something that I am not using. How do I get out of this rut? -Pam
Hi Pam,
Thank you for writing in. I completely understand as I have felt similarly to you. It’s normal to feel this way but, please trust yourself! You know yourself best so, if you need more training, take it! However, I recommend practicing your teaching dialogue to friends and family of small groups to get proper feedback. The journey of teaching is a never ending one, one that is full of ups-and-downs. Don’t get stuck in a lull because this is just the beginning. I am looking forward to your future as a yoga teacher, you will be amazed at how great you will do.
4 mots que vous ne devriez pas croire à propos de vous.
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Contrairement à ce qu'on pourrait vous dire, les mots portent le pouvoir. Bien sûr, si quelqu'un vous appelle laide ou est odieux envers vous, vous n'avez pas besoin de passer toute la journée à y penser. Cependant, vous devez être sélectif au sujet de se rappeler comment les gens vous ont adressé.
Si quelqu'un choisit d'utiliser l'un des mots suivants à votre sujet, s'il vous plaît ne le croyez pas.
Voici les mots sont et pourquoi vous ne devriez pas croire quelqu'un s'ils vous appellent ceci:
1. Indigne
Tu es toujours digne. Peu importe la race où vous êtes né, combien vous avez d'argent, qui sont vos parents ou votre profession, vous êtes toujours digne de ce que vous voulez et digne de respect fondamental. Parfois, nous sommes pris dans les cercles sociaux et nous ressentons le besoin de nous ajuster et de nous changer nous-mêmes pour nous adapter. Mais ce n'est pas nécessaire. Vous, inchangé, êtes digne. Ne croyez pas les gens s'ils vous disent le contraire. Votre pouvoir authentique vient de votre être et de votre acceptation.
2. Stupide
J'étais un étudiant D et C au collège et au lycée. Honnêtement, je détestais l'école. Je détestais tout et ne voyais pas l'intérêt d'y aller. La plus grande chose que je détestais à propos de l'école était que mes capacités cérébrales étaient mesurées selon un système et si je ne marquais pas correctement, j'étais considéré comme «stupide». J'ai alors rejeté cette idée et je le fais toujours maintenant. Si quelqu'un vous appelle 'Stupide', ne le croyez pas! Ils parlent d'un endroit qui met les gens dans une boîte. La grandeur et les gens qui accomplissent de grandes choses le font souvent en dehors des sentiers battus.
3. Graisse
Il y a quelques années, j'ai écrit un article pour MindBodyGreen pour ne pas appeler les gens «gros». Cela a suscité beaucoup de controverse. Malgré la controverse qu'il a causée, je suis toujours ferme qu'aucun de nous ne devrait utiliser ce mot et, surtout ne pas croire ceux qui nous appellent ce mot. Nous passons tellement de temps et d'énergie à essayer d'être mince que nous oublions toutes les choses incroyables que nos corps font pour nous. Notre objectif devrait être sain et fort, pas maigre.
4. Impossible
Chaque fois que quelqu'un me dit «non», une partie de moi s'illumine. Je commence à penser à tous les moyens possibles, même si on me dit que je ne le peux pas. Comme dit ce dicton: «Tout est figurable». Qui sait ce qui pourrait arriver si vous croyez que vous pouvez le faire? Je peux vous garantir que c'est plus que si vous croyez que vous ne pouvez pas.
4 words that you shouldn’t believe about yourself.
Image by Getty imahes
Contrary to what you might have been told, words carry power. Sure, if someone calls you ugly or is hateful towards you, you needn’t spend your whole day thinking about it. However, you have to be selective about remembering how people have addressed you.
If someone chooses to use one of the following words about you, please don’t believe them.
Here are the words are and why you shouldn’t believe someone if they call you this:
1. Unworthy
You are always worthy. No matter what race you were born, how much money you have, who your parents are or what your occupation is, you are always worthy of what you want and worthy of fundamental respect. Sometimes we get caught up in social circles and feel the need to adjust and change ourselves just to fit in. But, there is no need. You, unchanged, are worthy. Don’t believe people if they tell you otherwise. Your authentic power comes from you being you and accepting that.
2. Stupid
I was a D and C student in junior and high school. Honestly, I hated school. I hated everything about it and didn’t see the point in going to it. The biggest thing that I hated about school was that my brain capacity was measured according to a system and if I didn’t score correctly, I was considered ‘Stupid’. I rejected that idea then and I still do now. If someone calls you ‘Stupid’, do not believe them! They are speaking from a place that puts people into a box. Greatness and people who accomplish great things often do so outside the box.
3. Fat
A few years ago , I wrote an article for MindBodyGreen about not calling people ‘fat’. It sparked a lot of controversy. Despite the controversy that it has caused, I am still firm that none of us should use this word and, especially not believe those who call us this word. We spend so much time and energy focused on trying to be skinny that we forget all the amazing things that our bodies are doing for us. Our goal should be healthy and strong;not skinny.
4. Unable
Whenever someone tells me ‘no’, a part of me lights up. I start to think of all the ways that it is possible despite being told that I’m not able to. Like that saying goes, ‘Everything is figureoutable’. Who knows what could happen if you believed that you can do it? I can guarantee you that it’s more ways than if you believe that you can’t.
13 reasons that you deserve what you want.
image by Getty images
As a health coach, I am constantly reminding my clients to be positive and practice manifestation. It’s so easy to fall behind and question why we are worthy. I find myself sometimes falling on the fearful train. Asking myself if I am worthy? Who will want me or how do I know that it will manifest?
There could be many reasons why we all fear getting what we want or fear feeling worthy. Well, I am let you in on some reasons why you deserve what you want:
1. Why wouldn’t you be deserving?
2. If not you then, who would be deservin
3. You are great.
4. You are amazing.
5. You are a blessing.
6. You have been created to do great things.
7. You are a creation of love and therefore are worthy.
8. No one else can give you want.
9. No one else knows what you want.
10. Each day has been sent to us for us to make the most of.
11. There is enough for all of us to get what we want.
12. The more you get, the more you can give.
13. Who said that what you want isn’t yours?
5 questions to ask yourself before you let go of a friendship
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Recently I made a bold decision: I decided to discontinue two friendships in my life. I couldn't be friends with them any longer because I hadn't felt respected by them for a while. Before I decided to let go of these relationships, I asked myself the following questions:
1. Would you allow a romantic partner to treat you the same way that your friend treats you?
My partner at the time had stood me up once for a date. I was livid. He asked me why I had been so mad when a couple of friends of mine had stood me up, too, and I had been OK with it. He was right. I made a decision to set clear boundaries because it wouldn't be fair to have a different set of rules for people in my life. Respect is respect, regardless of the position that person holds in your life.
2. Is your friend supportive of your work and actions?
When I had previously gone through a lot of drama, my former friend would offer me food or wine to comfort me. However, I started to notice that as I began to accomplish things, her support dissipated. My friend was feeling unfulfilled in her life and, because of this, she was unable to celebrate my accomplishments. Everyone deserves friends who will celebrate their wins, not only support their weaknesses when they are feeling down.
3. Does your friend use your past against you?
Three years ago, I was in an unhealthy relationship. As a result, I did some unhealthy things to myself. One of the friends with whom that I decided to part ways would continuously remind me that I was "a mess" three years ago. She would say it in a judgemental tone. I'm not sure what her intentions were, all I know is that it hurt my feelings. If you've moved beyond your past and your friend hasn't, they are not being helpful in your growth and not helping you forgive yourself.
4. Do you and your friend engage in speaking negatively about others?
My former friend and I used to gossip about other friends, celebrities, and our neighbors. Eventually I found out that she had gossiped about me, too toward the end of our friendship. It hurt, but it wasn't surprising. Ask yourself if you and your friend spend time speaking negatively about other people. If so, remember that there may come a time when they'll gossip about you, too.
5. Do you and your friend give to one another from your hearts or your minds?
When I had mentioned to one of my friends that I wouldn't be spoken to in the manner in which she had spoken to me, she explained that she had done so much for me, which was reason enough for her to speak to me in a way that I found to be disrespectful. Over the years, we had done things for one another, and she had been keeping score. How much someone gives doesn't accumulate into friendship coupons that can be used against someone's feelings. When you give to get, what you give doesn't come from love—it comes from calculation. True friendships are based on love. Love doesn't keep score.
5 affirmations while chasing your dreams
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After nearly a decade of being in love with yoga, I made a courageous decision. I decided that I wanted to become a yoga teacher. I thought, how hard could it be? It's just talking.
As with almost anything that requires commitment, there's a honeymoon phase, followed by the phase when things don't look so bright and you wonder why you were ever there to begin with.
After having gone through this recently, I made a list for those who will chase or are chasing a dream:
1. Remember that it's meant to challenge you.
Growth doesn't happen by living in stability, comfort or ease. The only way that growth can occur within you is if you can find something that challenges you, and work through it. You may feel overwhelmed by challenge at some point, but the reward of achieving your dream is way more fulfilling than never going after what you want to achieve at all.
2. Be careful who you ask for advice.
While chasing your dream you'll get to a point where you want to give up. You'll question the cause of your dream and question whether you should continue. During this time, be cautious where you seek advice from. Unless someone can relate to what you are going through, don't ask for counsel! Find wisdom from those who are encouraging of your dream, and who understand what it means to you.
3. Believe in yourself.
The only way you'll be able to follow through with your commitment to your dream is by believing that you can do it. Others can tell you that you're capable; however, their opinion only goes so far if you don't believe that you are capable yourself. In addition, if you believe in yourself, when others doubt you it isn't worth being concerned about because you have found faith in yourself, and that's all that matters.
4. Be open to failure and rejection.
It takes a lot of courage to give everything that you have to a goal when it might be criticized, judged or rejected. There is a big possibility that you will give everything that you have only to have a failure slapped in your face. Many see failure as an ending, when it could be a beginning of another journey that leads to your dream.
5. Start trying today.
In a year, you'll wish that you'd started today what you hope to achieve. If you don't try today, how will you feel in a year? Time passes quicker than we can sometimes grasp, and today will eventually lead to the following year. Don't just sit around and think about what you want; do it!
How facing racism taught me forgiveness
Attending a predominantly white school in a newly post-Apartheid South Africa meant, for me, that a few parents didn't want their children to have play dates with me, a few kids would wipe their seats before they sat on a seat that I'd used, and boys whom I'd dated would be ashamed to tell anyone that we were an item. I wanted to hide the most obvious thing people saw about me: my dark skin.
My father and mother would continuously remind me that I was beautiful but, for some reason, I didn't believe them. I didn't believe them because so many people were telling and showing me otherwise. How could I believe the only two people who would love me regardless? Although I've always believed that I was meant to be made this way, and I've always believed that everyone was meant to be the way that they are, I was baffled by the fact that I hadn't done anything wrong to anyone but some people had treated me as though I had.
I spent a long time hating those who mistreated me because I had always treated them with respect and kindness – I felt taken advantage of.
Until one day, I forgave. I forgave the parents who didn't want their children playing with me, I forgave the kids who wiped their seats after I sat on them, and I forgave the boys who wanted to hide their attraction to me.
I forgave and forgave and forgave. I forgave because they didn't know any better, and ignorance is the easiest thing to forgive. Once I forgave, I realized that their inability to be kind to me had nothing to do with me. If you're truly comfortable in your skin, you accept all shapes and colors because you're able to appreciate difference. And everyone is different.
I forgave because I realized that I'm special. I forgave because I saw that all of us are special. Once I learned to forgive them, I became free of trying to fit into a box, and acknowledged that a life of acceptance allows you to appreciate everything for its own reason.
I forgave because they haven't had the fortune of experiencing the greatness of kindness – they are truly missing out.
What I wish I’d known before my first Yoga Teacher-Training.
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What I wish I’d known before I took my first Yoga Teacher-Training.
In 2013, I became a yoga teacher. The intensive training that I went through I am so grateful for. Although the training seemed extreme to those around me, I knew that I had to become a teacher. It felt like my destiny.
I am forever indebted to my mentors in this Teacher-Training. However, after the *TT, I learnt things about the yoga industry and practice that I wish I was told during this process.
This is what I wish I’d known before I took my first *TT:
1. Westernized yoga is a business.
It has become evident, particularly in The West Coast of The USA, that Yoga in Western society has become a business. With that being said, you are a brand. Know that if you plan on becoming a teacher in The Westernized World of Yoga, you will have to deal with politics, marketing and branding. Some of us become Yoga teachers to hide from the rest of the world. So, it can be disconcerting to find out that Yoga has become a business. Don’t let that deter you, let that drive you. Learn about the business and grow for your benefit.
2. You are worth investing in.
Yes, you are worth investing in! So, don’t sell yourself short. Don’t take just any *TT because it’s convenient or cost-efficient, take one that will help you be a better teacher for the future. In addition, make sure your TT has a solid mentorship program that invests in you too!
3. Think about where you will be able to teach after you complete your training.
A lot of *TTs provide certifications where you might have difficulty teaching at another studio. My first TT did provide me with a lot but it didn’t provide me with a 200-hour certification. Most studios require the 200-hour certification to teach at their studio because the 200-hour is generally a standard certification. If you only want to teach the yoga that you are studying, there is no need to get 200-hour certified. But, just know that you will be limited to teach at fewer studios.
4. Do you trust your gurus/mentors/guides?
You need to be able to trust who is teaching you to become a teacher! If you don’t, find someone that you do. Becoming a teacher is a challenging process and you will need to trust who is helping you get there. Trust cannot be forced, it has to come naturally.
*TT: Teacher-Training
🇨🇿 Ce que j'aurais aimé savoir avant mes premiers cours de professeur de yoga.
En 2013, je suis devenu professeur de yoga. L'entraînement intensif que j'ai suivi m'a tellement fait plaisir. Même si la formation semblait extrême à ceux qui m'entouraient, je savais que je devais devenir enseignante. C'était comme mon destin. Je suis éternellement redevable à mes mentors dans cette formation des enseignants. Cependant, après le * TT, j'ai appris des choses au sujet de l'industrie du yoga et de la pratique que j'aurais aimé connaître durant ce processus. C'est ce que j'aurais aimé savoir avant de prendre mon premier * TT:
1. Le yoga occidentalisé est une affaire.
Il est devenu évident, en particulier sur la côte ouest des États-Unis, que le yoga dans la société occidentale est devenu une affaire. Cela étant dit, vous êtes une marque. Sachez que si vous envisagez de devenir un enseignant dans le monde occidentalisé du yoga, vous devrez faire face à la politique, le marketing et l'image de marque. Certains d'entre nous deviennent des professeurs de yoga pour se cacher du reste du monde. Donc, il peut être déconcertant de découvrir que le yoga est devenu une entreprise. Ne laissez pas cela vous décourager, laissez-vous conduire. En savoir plus sur l'entreprise et développer pour votre bénéfice.
2. Vous valez la peine d'investir.
Oui, vous valez la peine d'investir! Alors, ne vous vendez pas court. Ne prenez pas n'importe quel * TT parce que c'est pratique ou rentable, prenez-en un qui vous aidera à devenir un meilleur enseignant pour l'avenir. En outre, assurez-vous que votre TT a un programme de mentorat solide qui investit en vous aussi!
3. Pensez à l'endroit où vous pourrez enseigner après avoir terminé votre entraînement.
Beaucoup de * TT fournissent des certifications où vous pourriez avoir des difficultés à enseigner dans un autre studio. Mon premier TT m'a beaucoup fourni, mais il ne m'a pas fourni une certification de 200 heures. La plupart des studios ont besoin d'une certification de 200 heures pour enseigner dans leur studio, car les 200 heures sont généralement une certification standard. Si vous voulez seulement enseigner le yoga que vous étudiez, il n'est pas nécessaire d'obtenir une certification de 200 heures. Mais, sachez que vous serez limité à enseigner dans moins de studios.
4. Avez-vous confiance en qui sont vos gourous / mentors / guide?
Vous devez être en mesure de faire confiance à qui vous enseigne pour devenir un enseignant! Si vous ne le faites pas, trouvez quelqu'un que vous faites. Devenir enseignant est un processus difficile et vous devrez faire confiance à qui vous aidera à y arriver. La confiance ne peut pas être forcée, elle doit venir naturellement.
* TT: Formation des enseignants
🇨🇮 Lo que deseo saber antes de mi primer entrenamiento de profesores de yoga
En 2013, me convertí en profesor de yoga. El entrenamiento intensivo por el que pasé estoy muy agradecido. Aunque el entrenamiento parecía extremo para quienes me rodeaban, sabía que tenía que convertirme en profesor. Se sentía como mi destino. Estoy eternamente en deuda con mis mentores en este Entrenamiento de Maestros. Sin embargo, después del * TT, aprendí cosas sobre la industria del yoga y la práctica que desearía que me dijeran durante este proceso. Esto es lo que desearía haber sabido antes de tomar mi primer * TT:
1. El yoga occidentalizado es un negocio.
Se ha hecho evidente, particularmente en The West Coast of the USA, que el yoga en la sociedad occidental se ha convertido en un negocio. Dicho eso, eres una marca. Sepa que si planea convertirse en un maestro en The Westernized World of Yoga, tendrá que lidiar con la política, el marketing y la marca. Algunos de nosotros nos convertimos en maestros de yoga para escondernos del resto del mundo. Entonces, puede ser desconcertante descubrir que el Yoga se ha convertido en un negocio. No dejes que eso te desanime, deja que eso te lleve. Aprenda sobre el negocio y crezca para su beneficio.
2. Vale la pena invertir en. Sí, ¡vales la pena invertir!
Entonces, no te vengas corto. No tome simplemente cualquier * TT porque es conveniente o rentable, tome uno que lo ayude a ser un mejor maestro para el futuro. ¡Además, asegúrese de que su TT tenga un programa de mentores sólido que también invierta en usted!
3. Piense en dónde podrá enseñar después de completar su entrenamiento.
Muchos * TT proporcionan certificaciones en las que puede tener dificultades para enseñar en otro estudio. Mi primer TT me proporcionó mucho pero no me proporcionó una certificación de 200 horas. La mayoría de los estudios requieren la certificación de 200 horas para enseñar en su estudio, porque las 200 horas generalmente son una certificación estándar. Si solo desea enseñar el yoga que está estudiando, no es necesario obtener la certificación de 200 horas. Pero, solo sé que estarás limitado a enseñar en menos estudios.
4. ¿Confías en quiénes son tus gurús / tutores / guía?
¡Debes poder confiar en quién te está enseñando a convertirte en maestro! Si no lo hace, encuentre a alguien que usted haga. Convertirse en maestro es un proceso desafiante y deberá confiar en quién lo está ayudando a llegar allí. La confianza no puede ser forzada, tiene que venir de forma natural.