Ever since I was a kid, I would watch movies about the girl or woman who was lost and a man would come in to her life and make her whole. Not sure if this has had an impact on how I view relationships or my subconscious already had this thinking but, I (too) have spent a lot of time hoping and waiting for someone else to complete me. I would fantasize about my Happily Ever After.

I would dream of the day when the perfect man would come into my life and remind me of who I was, why I was on this Earth and I would do the same for them. So, while my friends in High School were dating guys my age and entering solid relationships, I was waiting on the day when I left school so that I could begin my search for the man who was going to be my everything.

I grew up mostly in South Africa and, before I left to The U.S.A., I would visualize this perfect guy. I dreamt of all American guy who was well-known, had a lot of money, who was kind, compassionate and done with that way of life. I have always dreamed big.

I was 19 when I moved to New York and my naïveté took a while to chip away at; regardless of what I went through. Yes, after every relationship, I would learn and grow but in the back of my head, I was waiting on someone else to come and relieve me. It was only until I ended a long-term relationship with an older man, in 2012, did I start to understand that I am the only one who can make me whole.

8 years later and I am done searching for my soulmate. I understand and truly know that I am the only one who will make me whole and it is up to me to be my own saviour.

Here are 3 big mistakes that I used to make about my soulmate:

1. Romance and passion are the foundation for a perfect relationship.

I used to think that being romantic, spontaneous and passionate were the perfect foundation for a healthy relationship. This thinking has created many memories, yes! However, it has caused a lot of heart ache and suppression of my intuition.

Last Summer, I ended a relationship with the most romantic and passionate person that I know. He used this as a means to manipulate me, gaslight me and mentally abuse me. I learnt to listen to my intuition because I always knew that his intentions weren’t true even though he would tell me that he was my Soulmate.

I am done with the idea that Soulmates manipulate us and make our lives hell because of a cosmic connection. The Universe wants us to be at peace and to love ourselves. So, if that means letting go of someone who claims to be my Soulmate but brings turmoil and toxicity into my life, then so be it.

2. I am not a ride or die. I am a thrive and grow.

I spent many years thinking that my Soulmate relationship should be tiring, use me up and not easy. So much so, that I would allow behaviour from men who I believed to be my Soulmate that I wouldn’t from others.

An example of this is when my former partner would disappear and I wouldn’t hear from him for two weeks, only for him to return to me and project his behaviour onto me by saying things like, ‘What do you expect from me?’ Whenever I would end our relationship, he would follow me, stalk and apologize for his behaviour- so I felt obliged to stay because I was holding onto his potential. Which is not real.

I know now that I don’t have to suffer in love. A Soulmate is a companion who wants the best for me as much as I do for them. Not someone who puts me through hell and then expects me to stick around.

3. It’s not on me to make up someone else’s behaviour.

As a child of divorce, I have lived with a burden to want to do everything that I can in relationships and have often done and given more

than my partner so that we didn’t separate. It sounds desperate but I am a very loyal person with a big heart and often times, my personality tends to fall for those who need me because I like to feel needed.

I have had to learn that there is a difference between a healthy relationship and doing charity. The two cannot exist in a relationship that is sustainable. I believe in devotion, kindness, loyalty and well-being; I can’t be the only one doing it in the relationship. It is not fair to me and the person that I am in a relationship with if I see them as less than me and allow to do less.

My Soulmate is my equal. Not financially and physically but someone who is working just as hard as I am to be the best version of themself. Someone who is kind, respectful, grows, says sorry, let’s me in and reminds me of why we are together in the first place.