3 Things that I wish I’d known before I online-dated.

Image from Unsplash

I was never really into online dating but I had gone through an on-and-off again relationship with someone and felt depleted. I felt like having someone new in my life would add a lot of what I was missing, adventurous and fresh energy. 

Although I had formerly attempted a popular dating website which ended with some random guy insisting to go out with me despite me declining, I decided to give it another go. I had heard great things about a dating app where the women reached out first. 

I thought that this would be different. So, I gave it a shot. I loaded the app and began to reach out to men who I was matched with. 

As always, I don’t regret anything because living is how we learn. But, these are 3 things I wish I had known before I had my first online dating experience: 

1. Don’t force anything. 

The first and only person I dated through this dating app, was a fairly decent guy. However, the difference between him and most (if not all) guys that I have dated, we had no friends or acquaintances in common. I am used to dating someone who shares friends so that I trust them more and we have more in common. 

On paper, he seemed like a good match. However, I got the sense that he was hiding something. I kept waiting for him to drop a truth bomb on me and I would suddenly discover that he was not for me. So that I could blame him for being the reason why it wasn’t meant to be. When I noticed my thought process of doing this, I came to realize that I didn’t have that have excitement for him and was forcing it because I was concerned about not being alone. 

After I ended it, I decided to date myself and took myself on amazing dates and focused my energy on becoming the love that I was asking someone else to give me. 

2. Just because someone is a good match on paper; doesn’t make them a good match for life. 

When the guy that I had online-dated told me that he went to the same school as my dad, I was overjoyed. I have always wanted to date someone who is in tech. Partially because of financial stability but mostly because I love how most people in Tech think. At heart, I am a nerd. I love comic books, superhero movies, mathematic equations, scientific theories, thinking outside of the box, conspiracy theories and playing video games. 

So, I have always meshed well with people who choose Tech as their jobs because they think like me and how I was raised. I am always learning and I am not proud of how I handled every aspect of how I dealt with him. But, my biggest takeaway from this is that there was no electricity. 

I had previously dated men that I had a lot of connection with and no future. So, I wanted to try something different. This situation reminded me that love is not logical and we can’t look at it from a practical point of view. The heart and head are at two different points of the body. Although they are separate, they need each other. They work together in the body and they should also work together in love. 

3. A picture and profile can’t tell you how you will feel. Only intuition can. 

After this learnéd encounter and after moving to Los Angeles, I re-loaded that app, just for fun and began chatting with an older European fitness professional. My intuition told me not to give him his number. But alas, I did because I thought, what’s the worst that could happen? I can always block him. 

I can laugh about the following events now but at the time I was low-key scared. After I gave him my number, he sent me a video every 10-15 minutes of him working out. One night, I was in West Hollywood with my friend dancing and singing. When I picked up my phone after a few hours, I had a few missed calls from him and over two dozen videos. I knew then that my initial intuition was right about him so I blocked him and thought that that story was over. However, I would ‘bump‘ into him after yoga or cycling class and was angered that he appeared to be following me. 

I confronted him and he ended up leaving me alone. But, I learnt (and am still learning) that my intuitive voice is a gift and it is up to me to listen to it for my safety, sanity and overall well-being. 

Sign up for our Alignment courses here

The 3 Biggest mistakes that I have made about my Soulmate.

Image from Unsplash

Ever since I was a kid, I would watch movies about the girl or woman who was lost and a man would come in to her life and make her whole. Not sure if this has had an impact on how I view relationships or my subconscious already had this thinking but, I (too) have spent a lot of time hoping and waiting for someone else to complete me. I would fantasize about my Happily Ever After. 

I would dream of the day when the perfect man would come into my life and remind me of who I was, why I was on this Earth and I would do the same for them. So, while my friends in High School were dating guys my age and entering solid relationships, I was waiting on the day when I left school so that I could begin my search for the man who was going to be my everything. 

 I grew up mostly in South Africa and, before I left to The U.S.A., I would visualize this perfect guy. I dreamt of all American guy who was well-known, had a lot of money, who was kind, compassionate and done with that way of life. I have always dreamed big.

I was 19 when I moved to New York and my naïveté took a while to chip away at; regardless of what I went through. Yes, after every relationship, I would learn and grow but in the back of my head, I was waiting on someone else to come and relieve me. It was only until I ended a long-term relationship with an older man, in 2012, did I start to understand that I am the only one who can make me whole. 

8 years later and I am done searching for my soulmate. I understand and truly know that I am the only one who will make me whole and it is up to me to be my own saviour. 

Here are 3 big mistakes that I used to make about my soulmate: 

1. Romance and passion are the foundation for a perfect relationship. 

I used to think that being romantic, spontaneous and passionate were the perfect foundation for a healthy relationship. This thinking has created many memories, yes! However, it has caused a lot of heart ache and suppression of my intuition. 

Last Summer, I ended a relationship with the most romantic and passionate person that I know. He used this as a means to manipulate me, gaslight me and mentally abuse me. I learnt to listen to my intuition because I always knew that his intentions weren’t true even though he would tell me that he was my Soulmate. 

I am done with the idea that Soulmates manipulate us and make our lives hell because of a cosmic connection. The Universe wants us to be at peace and to love ourselves. So, if that means letting go of someone who claims to be my Soulmate but brings turmoil and toxicity into my life, then so be it. 

2. I am not a ride or die. I am a thrive and grow. 

I spent many years thinking that my Soulmate relationship should be tiring, use me up and not easy. So much so, that I would allow behaviour from men who I believed to be my Soulmate that I wouldn’t from others. 

An example of this is when my former partner would disappear and I wouldn’t hear from him for two weeks, only for him to return to me and project his behaviour onto me by saying things like, ‘What do you expect from me?’ Whenever I would end our relationship, he would follow me, stalk and apologize for his behaviour- so I felt obliged to stay because I was holding onto his potential. Which is not real. 

I know now that I don’t have to suffer in love. A Soulmate is a companion who wants the best for me as much as I do for them. Not someone who puts me through hell and then expects me to stick around. 

3. It’s not on me to make up someone else’s behaviour. 

As a child of divorce, I have lived with a burden to want to do everything that I can in relationships and have often done and given more 

than my partner so that we didn’t separate. It sounds desperate but I am a very loyal person with a big heart and often times, my personality tends to fall for those who need me because I like to feel needed. 

I have had to learn that there is a difference between a healthy relationship and doing charity. The two cannot exist in a relationship that is sustainable. I believe in devotion, kindness, loyalty and well-being; I can’t be the only one doing it in the relationship. It is not fair to me and the person that I am in a relationship with if I see them as less than me and allow to do less. 

My Soulmate is my equal. Not financially and physically but someone who is working just as hard as I am to be the best version of themself. Someone who is kind, respectful, grows, says sorry, let’s me in and reminds me of why we are together in the first place. 

3 Cosas más importantes que aprendí sobre las citas en mis 20 años.

Imagen de Unsplash

Acabo de cumplir 31 años y, al contrario de lo que pensaba cuando era más joven, mi vida ha resultado increíble y estoy eternamente agradecida. Anteriormente mencioné cómo pensé que tener hijos y ser esposa ha sido una prioridad; Sin embargo, el universo me ha enviado lecciones para enseñarme que no es mi éxito final.

Ser padre y pareja es maravilloso, sí. Pero, tuve que aprender que necesito realizarme a mí mismo en lugar de jugar un papel para demostrar mi valía. Desde que tenía 12 años o un poco más joven, siempre he sabido que quiero ser madre. Soñaba con tener 6 hijos y la gente bromeaba diciendo que debería casarme con un contador, lo tenía en mente y cuando comencé a salir, solo salía con hombres que tuvieron éxito para poder cumplir mi sueño.

Cuanto más mencioné mi deseo de tener un montón de hijos, más me cansaría de las proyecciones de otras personas sobre cómo debería ser mi futuro. Estas proyecciones nublaron mi vida amorosa porque en lugar de buscar una pareja, estaba buscando a alguien en mi vida que se viera bien en el papel, olvidando que la persona con la que quiero estar es una extensión de felicidad y alegría.

Aquí hay 3 cosas que las citas en mis 20 años me han enseñado:

1. No tengo que ser una esposa para ser feliz.

Vengo de una familia de divorciados y, aunque cada familia tiene sus problemas, hay algo que les sucede a los hijos del divorcio que es único. Pasé por dos fases para acercarme a la vida familiar: no necesito una pareja para tener hijos y necesito casarme con la persona perfecta para que mi matrimonio no se desmorone. Esta presión solía llevarla profundamente y buscaría socios que parecieran perfectos en el papel, incluso si no estuvieran disponibles emocional o físicamente porque había desarrollado la creencia de que el dinero y la estructura mantienen unida a la familia. Sí, la razón número uno para el divorcio es el dinero; sin embargo, no hay unión entre dos personas si no hay respeto, amabilidad y amor mutuo.

2. Yo me elijo.

Acabo de dejar ir una situación con un chico maravilloso. Es una persona hermosa por dentro y por fuera; sin embargo, él no está emocional o físicamente disponible para darme lo que quiero. Cuando era más joven, sentía que tenía que ser mártir y sacrificar mi sangre y sudor. Tenía la creencia de que una mujer debería dar más que un hombre y, para ser la esposa potencial perfecta, no debía expresar ni expresar mis preocupaciones. Podría pasar mi tiempo culpando a la sociedad y por qué desarrollé estos sistemas de creencias en primer lugar. Sin embargo, es mi vida y tengo que asumir la responsabilidad de lo que quiero en ella. Quiero y merezco un socio que esté listo y capaz de comprometerse, así que depende de mí crear límites para que esto sea factible.

3. Siempre puedo decir que no.

Honestamente, me he metido en algunas relaciones que duraron mucho más de lo que deberían porque tenía demasiado miedo de ser el único en decir que no. En el fondo de mi cabeza, siempre me preguntaría si me arrepiento de haber dicho que sí. Siempre he sentido la necesidad de ser optimista siempre, aunque sea a mi costa. Especialmente como profesora de yoga y profesional del bienestar, pasamos mucho tiempo enfocándonos en sí. Sin embargo, olvidamos enfatizar la importancia de decir a veces no.

Nada es blanco y negro y la experiencia de vida de cada persona es diferente. Sin embargo, ninguno de nosotros debería sentirse obligado a decir algo que sea falso por miedo a no obtener lo que queremos. He aprendido y creo firmemente que todo lo que es para mí, me encontrará. Si trabajo lo suficiente, amo lo suficiente y lo doy todo, he hecho todo lo que puedo. Se me permite crear límites y cuidar mi bienestar y, a veces, eso significa decir que no.

Dear B,

Dear B, 

In case you haven’t noticed, I am a fighter, a hustler and an over- achiever. Sometimes I forget; however, that this mentality can work against me and the people in my life. It has harmed what we have and I am sorry. 

You see, I manifested you and me together. So, when you showed up, it seemed too good to be true so I was trying to figure out what the catch was. I had my guard up because my past has been filled with genuine seeming people who were actually in it for all the wrong reasons. I have been in romantic situations for the wrong reasons beforehand. 

So, I have had to look at myself and that mirror never goes away. In fact, sometimes it is hard to see that the person who is standing in your way is you, ‘The Self-Saboteur’. My self-sabotage convinced me to believe other people about you, only to realize that these people are not worth believing in. You are worthy of my belief because you have shown me your kindness, love and compassion from the beginning. 

Here I am, B, I let down my guard and open up my heart. No more running, ghosting and pulling tricks that I felt I had to do before because this feels different. This is not the cycle that I was in, in my previous relationships. 

I apologize for all the obstacles and the hoops. I am learning more and more that I don’t have to put up challenges in order for me to feel safe around people that I love. I need to trust my intuition about who I have chosen to be in my life. And, sometimes the wrong way is the right way. I choose you, B, even if it’s the wrong way because it feels a hundred percent right to me now. 

All my love, 

H