Dear Daddy,

Image from Unsplash

Dear Daddy, 

I am sorry. The older that I get, the more that I see how kind and loving you were to me. A part of me feels like I took it for granted and blamed you for things that you couldn’t control. 

I have memories of how much wisdom you gave me and I am forever grateful to have had a Father who held the bar high for me so that I always knew my worth. I spent too much time being angry at you (and men in general) for things that were out of your control and I only hurt myself. 

I’m sorry for fighting battles against you that weren’t mine to fight. 

You did enough for me and for that I am grateful. The older that I get, the more like you I see that I am. We both have been ridiculously hard on ourselves, we both love Gospel music, we both work hard and we both believe in the good in everyone- even when we shouldn’t sometimes.

I hope that I marry a man who is as good of a person as you are and who embodies many of your qualities. 

Thank you for everything you did for me and thank you for never asking for anything back. You have always shown me unconditional love and I love you. 

Yours truly, 

For a personalized reading click here

To expand your mind, body and soul, click here

3 Things that I have learnt about healing as a child of divorce.

Image from Unsplash

I would be lying to you if I told you that our parents aren’t the biggest shapers in our lives. I would also be lying to you if I told you that we ever really heal from trauma that occurs when we see our parents interacting with one another because that is the first romantic relationship that we will see and leaves an imprint on us for the rest of our lives. 

As like with other families, as much love and warmth there is; there is also hurt, resentment, jealousy and anger in mine. Which can be equated to love vs. fear. And, most of us struggle with loving because we are in a constant state of fear. Passed down from generation-to-generation. At some point, we have to take responsibility for our lives and set healthy boundaries for ourselves and others. 

On my journey of healing which actively started a decade ago, I have learnt over-and-over that life is about healing. We are not meant to be perfect because perfection is a façade. True healing is from bringing the broken pieces into whole. And, most of that comes from being honest because once we acknowledge something, we can match our actions to that. 

So, in the spirit, of honesty, here is what I have learnt about healing through the eyes of a child of divorce: 

1. Forgiveness is key. 

I recently lashed out at some loved ones in my family and I could spend my life blaming them. However, that would be unfair to me and to them. You see, becoming whole doesn’t mean that we won’t fall down but it means that we get back up. And, when we have gotten back up, we can look back and forgive. Forgive ourselves, others and the situation. Which, I am in the process of doing. 

We are multi-faceted beings and sometimes a part of us is brought up by a situation that we might not have thought was possible but that moment doesn’t define us, it is a stepping stone to real healing and progression. For when we are truthful, that is when we can move forward. Sometimes making a mistake will show us what we need to work on. 

This moment showed me the role that I play. The one of perfect as a result of being a child of divorce. You see, all kids take on a persona which becomes our way of surviving. Mine was, act perfect and have everything together so that life can be perfect and things won’t fall apart. It put immense pressure on me and I cracked. When I cracked, I decided to redefine how I had approached life and people in my life. And, who is coming with me along the way forward.

2. You can’t force people to change. 

I grew up in an African family where pride helps us keep our last name in dignity. That idea comes with many great qualities. It has taught me to keep going no matter what, to always look as good as I can and to give off a persona of strength even if I am not strong on the inside. But, with all facades comes the negative. Related to the pride, I have always felt the need to take on more than was expected of me because I felt like if I didn’t, I wasn’t doing enough and ultimately, wasn’t enough. I noticed a pattern in relationships that I would be as perfect as I could so that they would never leave. Sacrificing myself to be loved and when I wasn’t, I would flip and get upset. 

I have learnt and am practicing that when you love someone, you don’t want them to mess up, for the relationship to be over or manipulate them into never leaving you or being who you want them to be because then we are never really present. I have accepted that just because I love someone doesn’t mean that they have to be in my life or love me back. I can love them from far away especially if being around them is not healthy. I don’t need to hold on to anyone for the idea of perfection or that I have everything together. I don’t have it all together and I am not meant to- that is the journey of life.

3. My parents did enough. 

I once heard one of my mentors say that he believes his parents did their best and I would be lying to you if I agreed that mine did because I think there is always room for growth within us. However, I have come to see that my parents have done enough for me. As a society, we give our parents power and sometimes, too much power. For they are human just like us and when we are children, it is hard to hold them accountable. 

A lot of my healing is about accepting that I didn’t have a voice when I was child because there is only so much a minor can say without fear of being kicked out, not loved or feeling like they aren’t enough. We create co-dependent relationships in our families by thinking that they have to agree with everything we say and do but love is not about agreeing. Bringing love into a situation means peace. And, sometimes the best way to maintain peace is to forgive and move on with your life with or without people you have depended on before. 

Many of us look at our parents as our leaders and become heartbroken when they aren’t because we expect perfection from those who take the lead. But, we forget that sometimes leaders come into our lives just to show us how not to do things. Parent to children relationship is no different to take that example. 

For a personalized reading click here

To expand your mind, body and soul, click here

The 3 Biggest mistakes that I have made about my Soulmate.

Image from Unsplash

Ever since I was a kid, I would watch movies about the girl or woman who was lost and a man would come in to her life and make her whole. Not sure if this has had an impact on how I view relationships or my subconscious already had this thinking but, I (too) have spent a lot of time hoping and waiting for someone else to complete me. I would fantasize about my Happily Ever After. 

I would dream of the day when the perfect man would come into my life and remind me of who I was, why I was on this Earth and I would do the same for them. So, while my friends in High School were dating guys my age and entering solid relationships, I was waiting on the day when I left school so that I could begin my search for the man who was going to be my everything. 

 I grew up mostly in South Africa and, before I left to The U.S.A., I would visualize this perfect guy. I dreamt of all American guy who was well-known, had a lot of money, who was kind, compassionate and done with that way of life. I have always dreamed big.

I was 19 when I moved to New York and my naïveté took a while to chip away at; regardless of what I went through. Yes, after every relationship, I would learn and grow but in the back of my head, I was waiting on someone else to come and relieve me. It was only until I ended a long-term relationship with an older man, in 2012, did I start to understand that I am the only one who can make me whole. 

8 years later and I am done searching for my soulmate. I understand and truly know that I am the only one who will make me whole and it is up to me to be my own saviour. 

Here are 3 big mistakes that I used to make about my soulmate: 

1. Romance and passion are the foundation for a perfect relationship. 

I used to think that being romantic, spontaneous and passionate were the perfect foundation for a healthy relationship. This thinking has created many memories, yes! However, it has caused a lot of heart ache and suppression of my intuition. 

Last Summer, I ended a relationship with the most romantic and passionate person that I know. He used this as a means to manipulate me, gaslight me and mentally abuse me. I learnt to listen to my intuition because I always knew that his intentions weren’t true even though he would tell me that he was my Soulmate. 

I am done with the idea that Soulmates manipulate us and make our lives hell because of a cosmic connection. The Universe wants us to be at peace and to love ourselves. So, if that means letting go of someone who claims to be my Soulmate but brings turmoil and toxicity into my life, then so be it. 

2. I am not a ride or die. I am a thrive and grow. 

I spent many years thinking that my Soulmate relationship should be tiring, use me up and not easy. So much so, that I would allow behaviour from men who I believed to be my Soulmate that I wouldn’t from others. 

An example of this is when my former partner would disappear and I wouldn’t hear from him for two weeks, only for him to return to me and project his behaviour onto me by saying things like, ‘What do you expect from me?’ Whenever I would end our relationship, he would follow me, stalk and apologize for his behaviour- so I felt obliged to stay because I was holding onto his potential. Which is not real. 

I know now that I don’t have to suffer in love. A Soulmate is a companion who wants the best for me as much as I do for them. Not someone who puts me through hell and then expects me to stick around. 

3. It’s not on me to make up someone else’s behaviour. 

As a child of divorce, I have lived with a burden to want to do everything that I can in relationships and have often done and given more 

than my partner so that we didn’t separate. It sounds desperate but I am a very loyal person with a big heart and often times, my personality tends to fall for those who need me because I like to feel needed. 

I have had to learn that there is a difference between a healthy relationship and doing charity. The two cannot exist in a relationship that is sustainable. I believe in devotion, kindness, loyalty and well-being; I can’t be the only one doing it in the relationship. It is not fair to me and the person that I am in a relationship with if I see them as less than me and allow to do less. 

My Soulmate is my equal. Not financially and physically but someone who is working just as hard as I am to be the best version of themself. Someone who is kind, respectful, grows, says sorry, let’s me in and reminds me of why we are together in the first place. 

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect.

Image de Unsplash

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Ses actions sont plus éloquentes que ses paroles.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il aime le chemin de la guérison (tout comme moi) et est prêt à travailler pour cela.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il pratique ce qu'il prêche.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il a choisi, tout comme moi, d'abandonner l'ancienne idée de partenariat et en choisit une nouvelle fondée sur l'égalité et la gentillesse.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il a laissé derrière lui le besoin et la dépendance au drame et a choisi d'être en paix.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il vient avec son cœur dans sa main parce qu'il comprend que personne ne devrait avoir à travailler pour l'amour.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il sait que je ne lui dois rien. Ce que je lui donne est par choix, vice versa. Nous choisissons donc judicieusement les actions les unes envers les autres.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il admire la paix, comprend la valeur de son partenaire et pense fortement à la croissance.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Nous nous tenons la main ensemble et nous promettons de nous élever la vie, peu importe ce qui nous arrive.

The 3 Things that I have learnt from being in an almost decade-long cycle of emotionally abusive relationships.

Image from Unsplash

As we end the year and another decade, I have found myself having nostalgia of the great memories from 2010-2019. I am (without a doubt) blessed and grateful; however, within these years, I have definitely experienced some deep emotional pain and relationships that were not ideal.

I am here today, proud of who I am because I decided to make the most of what was dealt to me. Sometimes, being in a cycle creates survival; however, I choose to thrive. The two are different. In honour of living the best life that I am able, I must be honest about my past. In my honesty, I hope to heal myself and others by revealing truths that we are usually too afraid to reveal.

Here are 3 things that I have learnt from my cycle of emotionally abusive relationships:

1. I can only save myself.

My first memory of wanting to be a saviour is when I was six and my mom came back from the hospital, after giving birth to my sister, with stitches on her belly. I deeply wanted to relieve her of her pain and kept asking her questions about how she got into that circumstance. I wanted to cure her of her stitches and make her fine right then and there. I was a kid, yes! However, I have always had a need to take people out of pain- hence why I am a yoga teacher and wellness coach. This attribute has been an advantage most of the time; however, it has sometimes been a disadvantage.

I have found myself wanting to relieve people from emotional pain and taking on their burden or relieving them of the work that they have to do to heal (themselves). I am able to influence another person; however, I am not able to do the work for them. We are all meant to work on ourselves, which is karma. Everything, including inner peace and wellbeing, requires our own work and self-healing.

2. I can say no.

In previous articles, I touch on how it has been difficult for me to say no in the past. This has been the most challenging thing to learn in my life because we do not live in a society that acknowledges boundaries. One could argue that we live in a society that promotes the lack of boundaries. As a black woman living in America and often being in corporate settings, saying no comes with a price. In fact, for anyone living in a corporate setting, saying no comes with a price because there might be someone else for the job who is cheaper and more available than you are. Corporations tend to feed into our insecurities.

In a corporate society, our personal lives follow suit. If you say ‘no’ to someone who you are romantically involved with, you risk them leaving you and finding someone else who will say yes. That instills fear within us which continues the cycle of self-doubt and lack of self-worth. It has taken me a long time to be able to believe with every fiber of my being that if I work hard enough, am truthful enough and open enough, everything that is meant for me will find me. This knowing has helped me release people, situations and things that feed off of me not feeling good enough.

3. I always have a say.

I’ve been pretty honest about how my last relationship highlighted how I had been in emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships in the past without even being aware of it. You might be asking, how did she not recognize it? Because when you live it, it is challenging to step away from it. I am grateful for every single former relationship because it had a purpose. Particularly the last one because it helped me heal the trauma that I had developed as a kid. I have also mentioned how I grew up with an emotionally abusive older sibling that subconsciously taught me that abuse is okay as long as no one else knows about it. There were no bruises but my self-worth was compromised.

As an adult, in romantic relationships, I would hide when my fiancé would call me fat, when my boyfriend would disappear for two weeks or when another boyfriend and I decided to get pregnant and, he disappeared. My silence festered this cycle. And, we all know that darkness is the prime location for breeding negativity, toxicity and secrets. It took me being in a relationship with a well-known Producer who would lie, cheat and blame me for his actions for me to see the pattern that had been going on in my life. I had attracted and entertained emotionally abusive people.

It took an exaggerated form like this where I still have to hear the music that he made about me on radio and public places to remind me of the role that I played. Who I am today is very different to the person that I was when we met, two years ago. I used to think that someone who I admired knowing me, being influenced by me and seeing me meant that it was cosmic divinity. However, now I understand that me seeing myself, recognizing my self-worth and my truth is the most magic that I will ever experience in this lifetime.

The 4 roles that I am done playing in partnerships.

Image from Unsplash

I’ve been single for the past six months and have had a chance to really dive deep into my thoughts, my own interests and my purpose in life. Not to say that this is not accomplishable if you are in a relationship; however, the type of partnerships that I had previously been in, I gave more to them than what I got back.

I have no animosity towards any of my exes. I love them all dearly and I wish them well. They are fantastic people and they have helped shape me into who I am today. I don’t communicate with most of them, which I sometimes get sad about because I believe if you have shared a beautiful journey with another person, there is no need to be spiteful or resentful towards them. Every relationship has an expiration date.

My last relationship, which ended in June, solidified some of the biggest lessons that I had previously touched on the surface. Part of the reason that it did is because my former partner was well-known and sometimes, with fame comes disorder, toxicity and people attracted to the idea of a facade. Although I still have love for this man, it is very clear that we are not meant to be together for the long haul, which is fine. Not everything significant and life-changing requires long-term commitment. Sometimes people and things come into our lives to teach us a thing or two and then we part ways.

Through these past relationships, I learnt many things. In most of them, I played a role. Whatever title I played came with a sacrifice, of myself. I used to believe that I needed to sacrifice a part of who I was/am to be loved- which is a big lie.

True love begins with acceptance and now that I have found that kind of love for myself, I would be honoured to share it with another.

Here are the 4 roles that I am done playing in relationships:

1. The ‘perfect one’.

It was on my fifteenth birthday that my father called me to tell me that he was on his way and never showed up. Not only did he not show up but I never saw him ever again. He decided that he didn’t want to be a part of our family anymore. This pain I hid for many years in the form of needing to be perfect because, subconsciously, I had thought that I was the reason why he left. I kept what had happened a secret from my close friends because their lives seemed perfect and I was afraid that if I broke the ‘perfect’ mould, I wouldn’t be lovable to anyone. This belief is what I held onto until recently. I believed that if I showed anyone my tears or let my guard down about my true emotions and pain, they would run. Contrary to what I had believed, it does the opposite.

Creating a mould of perfection of who I am, the person that I should be with and, how we should look to everyone else is a lie. One that is not worth living because while we put up facades, we sacrifice ourselves, relationships and the people that we love.

2. The ‘martyr’.

Maybe this is middle-child syndrome or being a child of divorce; however, I have frequently felt like I am the one that everyone needs to rely on. This martyr-type of thinking attracted and entered into relationships with people who were comfortable with dumping their load onto me because I would take it. I would get dumped on, over-and-over, until I would leave or break up with my partner.

I used to believe that true love meant being someone else’s saviour; however, I have come to understand and learn that we are the only ones who can ever really save ourselves. I can support, encourage, influence and leave an impression on somebody else. But, if that person doesn’t want to change, I can’t force them.

3. The ‘cool’ one.

Even though I am very feminine, I have always been inclined to male-driven and competitive activities. As a result, I had a lot of male friends, many of them I would end up dating. Because we were formerly friends, they felt comfortable with me. Sometimes, they were so comfortable with me that they would say inappropriate things to me about how attractive another woman is and our boundaries became blurred because we acted more as friends than as partners. A friendship is important in partnership; however, partners and friends are different. We choose partners to live with, to possibly have children with and, to grow old together- this is not usually the outcome with friends.

A healthy partnership requires boundaries and I am done playing the role that I am okay with a broken boundary or disrespect when I am not. Playing along and not speaking up only leads to bitterness and resentment down the line.

4. The ‘settling- one’.

Maybe it’s because I’m an Aquarius but I believe in freedom and being with someone who enjoys my company, not someone that I have forced to be with me. I fully admit that I have previously fallen trap into the idea that love is jealous, mean and unkind when my intuition has always told me otherwise.

As women, we are raised with sayings like, ‘You need to keep him in check’, ‘He can look but make sure he knows where his home is’ or, ‘He’s a man, he is going to cheat’. Believing these sayings has caused me immense pain and suffering because they affirm that women should settle for less and expect less from men. I’m not sure why I believed these sayings because I was raised by strong women who believe the opposite of this. When I did implement these false sayings into my life, I would always regret sacrificing my self worth and integrity just to be in a relationship with someone who I probably shouldn’t have been with in the first place.

Once I found true love for myself, I released the need to be with another person. Particularly if that person is someone who doesn’t respect me, my values, my culture and what I believe in.

Cher W, (tu vas rendre quelqu'un heureux)

Image de Unsplash

Cher W, (tu vas rendre quelqu'un heureux)



Nous avons essayé et avons donné tout ce que nous pouvions, mais la seule chose qui nous a été révélée, c'est qu'être dans une relation amoureuse n'est pas pour nous.

Merci de m'avoir montré beaucoup de choses: comment aimer avec passion, ne jamais abandonner, être plus aimant, voir les choses sous un angle différent, et cette romance est bien vivante.

Vous ferez un bon partenaire pour quelqu'un. Cependant, je ne suis pas cette personne. Parce que si j’étais, ce ne serait pas si difficile d’être avec toi.

Il a été difficile de comprendre et de comprendre cette notion: comment je peux aimer si profondément quelqu'un que je crois être mon âme soeur, mais nous ne pouvons jamais nous confronter à l'essentiel. C'est pourquoi j'ai passé tant de temps à vous fâcher. Cependant, j'ai abandonné cette colère et vous ai ouvert mon cœur et ma vie en tant que cher ami que vous avez toujours été pour moi.

Que vous souhaitiez être mon ami ou non, c’est votre décision, mais sachez que je n’ai aucune animosité ni colère envers vous, je veux seulement que nous soyons en paix et que nous soyons meilleurs. Cela n’a pas fonctionné les uns avec les autres, alors faisons-le avec les autres. Cependant, vous avez besoin de mon soutien, je suis ici. En tant qu'ami, pas partenaire.

J'ai toujours beaucoup d'amour pour toi et je ne peux pas te reprocher d'être ce que tu es ou de ne pas pouvoir m'aimer de la manière dont je veux être aimé. Parce que le blâme est une perte de temps, d’émotions et d’énergie.

Je suis désolé d’être si énervé et amer à propos de qui vous êtes. Je ne veux pas vous changer ni que vous soyez quelqu'un d'autre que vous. Vous méritez un excellent partenaire qui vous aime tel que vous êtes et moi aussi.

Je t'aime,

Hali.

5 quotes that helped me through the biggest heartbreak of my life.

Until that moment, I thought that I had had enough heartache for the 27 years of my existence on this earth. However, I was incorrect. The biggest heartache was about to happen to me. 

I was in a seemingly loving relationship with a man four years my senior. He had recently moved to Savannah to pursue his career. I only wanted the best for him so I was the supportive girlfriend. Shortly after his departure, I suspected that I was pregnant. I became heavily nauseous with certain smells, became extremely tired and had other symptoms.

I took a test and found out that I was pregnant. A day after I informed my (then) boyfriend, he disappeared. I texted, called, e-mailed but no reply. I spent a few days waking up and going to sleep crying. I would take breaks at work to ball my eyes out. 

I cried my heart out fearing having to raise a  child by myself, I cried about whether I would be okay and I cried out of confusion because he had told me that he would be there for me and that he had wanted my child. 

I received a brief e-mail about five days after his disappearance from him, saying that we needed to talk. I agreed to it but no reply from him. The next day, I woke up with a pain in my abdomen and bleeding. I rushed to The ER and texted him on the way. Still no reply. I ended up miscarrying from emotional stress. 

In a week, I went from having a baby and boyfriend to being alone. A lonely hole filled my life so I reached out to yoga, gospel music, friends and family. 

And, I found five magical quotes that give me salvation everyday:

1. It's not over, it's only the beginning- Israel & the new breed.

Given the fact that this situation is still fresh in my mind, I wake up listening to this song everyday . It's a gospel song by Israel & the new breed. Experiencing such heartbreak can sometimes make me think that my life is over. That the next guy that I date will be worse than the last, that I will never be a mother again or that I am running out of time to have my own family. This song reminds me that all of that is a lie because I know in my heart that the universe ultimately saved me from a relationship with a man that I didn't want to be with. So, my heart is at ease knowing that this is the beginning of better days. 

2. When people show you who they are, believe them- Maya Angelou

Looking back, I saw many signs that the relationship that I was in was not the one that I wanted to be in. I am not here to dog him out. However, there were many situations when I was there for him during difficult times but he was rarely there for me during difficult times. He showed me time and time again that he was incapable of being there for me. This time, I listened. Moving forward, I will accept everyone's behaviour as truth- not excuse it. 

3. When you're going through hell, keep going- Winston Churchill. 

I love this quote so much that I have it on my fridge. While I was pregnant, it was so difficult to get out of bed and go to yoga, work and to even interact with people. I would muster up the energy to face myself and others everyday because I knew that there was an end to what I was going through. And, alas, there was! I kept going and, through that, I learnt how strong I really am.

4. Quit beating yourself up, you are not a finished product. You are a work in progress- Joel Osteen.

Sometimes negative thoughts of how I let a man like my ex-boyfriend into my life come over me. I find myself being washed with guilt of allowing myself to be swept away by someone who was clearly not good news for me. And then, I decide to be kind to myself and trust the journey. I have mercy on myself because I know that I am learning and, sometimes, things aren't as clear they may seem but I will be okay.

5. 'I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear- Martin Luther King Jnr.

It's easy to hate someone after doing you wrong. Initially after everything happened, I blamed my ex-boyfriend for contributing to the stress that caused my miscarriage. But those thoughts were heavy. They were weighing me down. They wore heavy on my soul because ultimately I know that what has happened, has happened, and it is only beneficial for me to move forward. The love that I have for him is gone but I can stick with love for myself. Forgiving him is for me. And, forgiveness doesn't have to mean that I am his best friend. In this case, it means that I am not choosing to let negativity rule my life.

by Hali Tsotetsi