It is no secret that I grew up in a household with what seemed like, to me, a narcissistic parent. When I was 5 years-old, my parents began the process of divorce and that is when looking back, I have memories of me being a happy and fun child to not anymore.
This article is not intended to blame anyone. It is to acknowledge what me and so many children who are raised by narcissistic Mothers go through. It can be a deep pain that, once we admit, can free us up of hurt that can run through the very fabric of who we are.
I grew up in a household of secrets, expcetations, gaslighting and un-necessary guilt all at the hands of my Mother. Who claimed it was for my betterment but it did the opposite.
As I write this, I am obviously emotional but I can guarantee you that I am in a much better place than I have ever been and this has been a long time coming but is imperative to let all children who have gone through emotional, physical or mental abuse that you are not alone.
Here are 3 ways that I healed my childhood trauma:
1. Honesty.
The first time that I went to therapy as an adult was when I had just left an abusive romantic relationship with a man my senior. I have always been attracted to older men.
When I stepped into my counsellors office, I felt broken, worn down and empty inside. Over the months of our sessions, I began to uncover that a lot of my pain regarding that relationship was barely about him and more of my upbringing. I had memories of my Mother calling me fat, ugly and saying that I was just like my Dad. Who she believed to be evil and had very little kind things to say about.
After uncovering this, I hadn’t fully grasped how much this damaged me and left an imprint on my self-esteem but I did start to understand that a lot of my partnership problems stemmed from the emotional abuse that I had endured from my Mother. I knew I had work to do about this but I was afraid of facing the truth.
After some time, the truth became too apparent to deny as I remembered flashbacks of her insulting me and degrading me. All of which I had labeled as punishment for being a ‘bad’ child. However, I came to realize that my acting out was a result of being insulted by, who I believed, should’ve been the person who believed in me and cheered me on the most- my Mother.
2. Boundaries
I have said in a previous article that my narcissistic relationships, as an adult, helped me create and mantain boundaries.
The older that I got, I noticed that My Mother had a problem with these boundaries that I had set. She would always find a way to impose on my life, insult me or ask me for money that she felt entitled to. Because, as she would repeat, she was the one who stayed to raise us when my Father left us. Therefore, she was immune to criticism and being held accountable.
Just like clockwork, every time I would hold her accountable for her actions or not give into her narcissistic web of deception, I was met with the victimization story. Phrases like, ‘I could have left just like your Dad did’, ‘The doctors told me to abort you but I didn’t’ or, ‘I gave you your name and put you through private school’.
This is how, I believe, narcissists may avoid all responsibility for how they treat you because at the end of the day, they convince you that they are worse off victims than you are. So when you start to hold them accountable, you are met with stories about how bad of a person you are for expecting more from them. It can be very damaging to a person’s mental health to expect respect from a narcissist because you will never get it.
As I have gone through a ton of healing, I only have space for people who are willing to be held accountable for their actions, as I am for mine. I am done dealing with people who make you feel guilty for asking for genuine respect and kindness. It is not something I will chase after someone for. Either it is given or not.
3. I developed my own voice.
Because I grew up afraid to speak up for my health and well-being, I would let people close to me treat me however they wanted to. Being raised by (in my opinion) a narcissistic Mother, I had difficulty speaking up for myself and sticking with my convictions because I was used as a prop to make her feel better about herself.
In public, she was the concerned parent, dressed to the nines and showed up for most events. However, behind closed doors, there was a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. It confused me and broke my spirit as a child living under that household.
She would have a habit of bringing up something I had done when I was a kid that was a mistake or when I was naughty to have leverage over me and to make me feel like a fundamentally bad person when what I needed was guidance. In addition, the shaming would be in front of a group of other family members so that she maintained her power. Narcissists‘ currency is power and having leverage over others so that they project how they feel onto you, empty inside.
Because I was raised by someone who literally tried to strip me of my inner voice and played mental gymnastics with me to just speak up for myself, once I did it felt unnatural and almost like someone was going to tell me that I have been misbehaving for some reason. When all that I have been is me.
Through yoga, therapy, meditation, forgiveness and God’s Grace, I have found true healing. I no longer speak to my Mother and have no plan of doing so. In fact, cutting her off was the best thing that I have ever done in my life.
If you have ever suffered emotional, physical or mental abuse from anyone- particularly a family member, I encourage you to take a step back from them for your wellbeing and seek the healing that you need.
It is time for us to heal, as a collective, and to lay generational curses to rest. Once and for all.
