As most of you already know, I have had a cycle of unhealthy relationships. My last one ended last June with me realizing that I had some healing to do. I had gotten so used to being manipulated and emotionally abused by people that I loved that I had started believing the lies. Now, for all my women who think that only men can be manipulative, that is incorrect. All people have the capability of manipulation, lying and acting from an insincere place.

If you need a refresher of my past, check out my former articles of how I released the last relationship which was the icing on the cake and when I decided to let go of people who speak to me and don’t listen, those who wait for me to do wrong in order to get back at me and, some who have seen my kindness for weakness. Not only in romantic relationships but also in family and friends. I am proud to say that I have created a healthy distance from abusive and manipulative people. I also forgive them because holding onto pain and mistreatment leads to more of it.

Through this process of healing, I have learnt 3 redefinitions of healthy love:

1. Letting go of perfection and fixing:

I have spent a lot of my life giving in. This stems from my childhood. I am a middle child from a divorced family and have always carried immense guilt, basically over nothing but being human, making mistakes and learning. Through my healing, memories of my childhood have come back and I had memories of my younger sibling and I fighting, like most kids do. My Mother’s response would be to get me to say sorry first because she said I was the elder and had more responsibility than my younger sibling. This conditioned me to always say sorry; even if I wasn’t in the wrong. I felt a deep burden to always be right and if someone had an issue with me, I would try to get them to like me.

Recently, I found myself crying when I thought of one of these memories as I realized that I have taken on a role that I never wanted, ‘the fixer’. You see, fixing means correcting even it abandons my emotions and feelings to make things right. In other relationships, I became the friend everyone called on when they needed something but few reciprocated the same gesture, I became the girlfriend who would be cool in order to not rock the boat and, I became the family member who wanted to be seen as perfect because it was my responsibility no matter what the other person did to me.

This role is heavy and often impossible to implement all the time. So, as I free myself of this role, I open myself up to relationships where I don’t need to fix anything and get back what I put out with feeling guilty about it.

2. Healing emotional abusive patterns:

Physical abuse is easy to spot but how about when someone chips away at your spirit or your soul for years and years? This creates cognitive dissonance- where your brain starts questioning if what was true is true. Which I suffered from for many years and as a result, I would attract abusive people into my life. I had such little self-esteem that I accepted unkind words and actions towards me because I thought that that person didn’t mean to or feared being left alone if I confronted them.

Over the past decade, I have healed (and am still healing) the need to be in unhealthy dynamics to feel like I am loved. Love can be healthy and love can be kind, not all the time but most of the time. I am done excusing people who don’t honor my boundaries or acknowledge that I am human because I am willing to respect others’ boundaries and see people as human.

3. Not being tied to another by force but by respect and kindness.

I am no longer afraid to shed disrespectful people from my life. I come from an African family where we put immense pressure on one another because we are expected to always be around. It was recently that I decided to shift this thinking. If being around someone causes me anxiety, pain and hurt then I am out. I am not a martyr. I, just like those who are respectful, deserve to be respected.

Last year, I read a book about narcissistic and empath relationships and it asked these questions, how do you leave each relationship that you have? Do you leave feeling fulfilled or drained? Do you leave feeling heard or unheard? Do you leave feeling go you the respect that you deserved?

I had to answer that question with a lot of people around me because the answer was no. I had to start all over again, it felt like. Most of what I had learned about relationships was fake women empowerment disguised as manipulation and getting the ‘guy’ to see me and hear me at all costs. I had to re-learn that love isn’t about getting anyone to do anything, it just is. Now, when I don’t feel heard, noticed, respected or acknowledged over a period of time, I let that person know and if it continues, I create distance between the relationship and me because my focus is not on forcing; it is on acceptance, honesty and being present.