beauty from pain

3 Redefinitions of healthy love.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

As most of you already know, I have had a cycle of unhealthy relationships. My last one ended last June with me realizing that I had some healing to do. I had gotten so used to being manipulated and emotionally abused by people that I loved that I had started believing the lies. Now, for all my women who think that only men can be manipulative, that is incorrect. All people have the capability of manipulation, lying and acting from an insincere place. 

If you need a refresher of my past, check out my former articles of how I released the last relationship which was the icing on the cake and when I decided to let go of people who speak to me and don’t listen, those who wait for me to do wrong in order to get back at me and, some who have seen my kindness for weakness. Not only in romantic relationships but also in family and friends. I am proud to say that I have created a healthy distance from abusive and manipulative people. I also forgive them because holding onto pain and mistreatment leads to more of it. 

Through this process of healing, I have learnt 3 redefinitions of healthy love: 

1. Letting go of perfection and fixing:

I have spent a lot of my life giving in. This stems from my childhood. I am a middle child from a divorced family and have always carried immense guilt, basically over nothing but being human, making mistakes and learning. Through my healing, memories of my childhood have come back and I had memories of my younger sibling and I fighting, like most kids do. My Mother’s response would be to get me to say sorry first because she said I was the elder and had more responsibility than my younger sibling. This conditioned me to always say sorry; even if I wasn’t in the wrong. I felt a deep burden to always be right and if someone had an issue with me, I would try to get them to like me. 

Recently, I found myself crying when I thought of one of these memories as I realized that I have taken on a role that I never wanted, ‘the fixer’. You see, fixing means correcting even it abandons my emotions and feelings to make things right. In other relationships, I became the friend everyone called on when they needed something but few reciprocated the same gesture, I became the girlfriend who would be cool in order to not rock the boat and, I became the family member who wanted to be seen as perfect because it was my responsibility no matter what the other person did to me. 

This role is heavy and often impossible to implement all the time. So, as I free myself of this role, I open myself up to relationships where I don’t need to fix anything and get back what I put out with feeling guilty about it. 

2. Healing emotional abusive patterns: 

Physical abuse is easy to spot but how about when someone chips away at your spirit or your soul for years and years? This creates cognitive dissonance- where your brain starts questioning if what was true is true. Which I suffered from for many years and as a result, I would attract abusive people into my life. I had such little self-esteem that I accepted unkind words and actions towards me because I thought that that person didn’t mean to or feared being left alone if I confronted them. 

Over the past decade, I have healed (and am still healing) the need to be in unhealthy dynamics to feel like I am loved. Love can be healthy and love can be kind, not all the time but most of the time. I am done excusing people who don’t honor my boundaries or acknowledge that I am human because I am willing to respect others’ boundaries and see people as human. 

3. Not being tied to another by force but by respect and kindness. 

I am no longer afraid to shed disrespectful people from my life. I come from an African family where we put immense pressure on one another because we are expected to always be around. It was recently that I decided to shift this thinking. If being around someone causes me anxiety, pain and hurt then I am out. I am not a martyr. I, just like those who are respectful, deserve to be respected. 

Last year, I read a book about narcissistic and empath relationships and it asked these questions, how do you leave each relationship that you have? Do you leave feeling fulfilled or drained? Do you leave feeling heard or unheard? Do you leave feeling go you the respect that you deserved? 

I had to answer that question with a lot of people around me because the answer was no. I had to start all over again, it felt like. Most of what I had learned about relationships was fake women empowerment disguised as manipulation and getting the ‘guy’ to see me and hear me at all costs. I had to re-learn that love isn’t about getting anyone to do anything, it just is. Now, when I don’t feel heard, noticed, respected or acknowledged over a period of time, I let that person know and if it continues, I create distance between the relationship and me because my focus is not on forcing; it is on acceptance, honesty and being present. 

3 Things that I have learnt about healing as a child of divorce.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

I would be lying to you if I told you that our parents aren’t the biggest shapers in our lives. I would also be lying to you if I told you that we ever really heal from trauma that occurs when we see our parents interacting with one another because that is the first romantic relationship that we will see and leaves an imprint on us for the rest of our lives. 

As like with other families, as much love and warmth there is; there is also hurt, resentment, jealousy and anger in mine. Which can be equated to love vs. fear. And, most of us struggle with loving because we are in a constant state of fear. Passed down from generation-to-generation. At some point, we have to take responsibility for our lives and set healthy boundaries for ourselves and others. 

On my journey of healing which actively started a decade ago, I have learnt over-and-over that life is about healing. We are not meant to be perfect because perfection is a façade. True healing is from bringing the broken pieces into whole. And, most of that comes from being honest because once we acknowledge something, we can match our actions to that. 

So, in the spirit, of honesty, here is what I have learnt about healing through the eyes of a child of divorce: 

1. Forgiveness is key. 

I recently lashed out at some loved ones in my family and I could spend my life blaming them. However, that would be unfair to me and to them. You see, becoming whole doesn’t mean that we won’t fall down but it means that we get back up. And, when we have gotten back up, we can look back and forgive. Forgive ourselves, others and the situation. Which, I am in the process of doing. 

We are multi-faceted beings and sometimes a part of us is brought up by a situation that we might not have thought was possible but that moment doesn’t define us, it is a stepping stone to real healing and progression. For when we are truthful, that is when we can move forward. Sometimes making a mistake will show us what we need to work on. 

This moment showed me the role that I play. The one of perfect as a result of being a child of divorce. You see, all kids take on a persona which becomes our way of surviving. Mine was, act perfect and have everything together so that life can be perfect and things won’t fall apart. It put immense pressure on me and I cracked. When I cracked, I decided to redefine how I had approached life and people in my life. And, who is coming with me along the way forward.

2. You can’t force people to change

I grew up in an African family where pride helps us keep our last name in dignity. That idea comes with many great qualities. It has taught me to keep going no matter what, to always look as good as I can and to give off a persona of strength even if I am not strong on the inside. But, with all facades comes the negative. Related to the pride, I have always felt the need to take on more than was expected of me because I felt like if I didn’t, I wasn’t doing enough and ultimately, wasn’t enough. I noticed a pattern in relationships that I would be as perfect as I could so that they would never leave. Sacrificing myself to be loved and when I wasn’t, I would flip and get upset. 

I have learnt and am practicing that when you love someone, you don’t want them to mess up, for the relationship to be over or manipulate them into never leaving you or being who you want them to be because then we are never really present. I have accepted that just because I love someone doesn’t mean that they have to be in my life or love me back. I can love them from far away especially if being around them is not healthy. I don’t need to hold on to anyone for the idea of perfection or that I have everything together. I don’t have it all together and I am not meant to- that is the journey of life.

3. My parents did enough. 

I once heard one of my mentors say that he believes his parents did their best and I would be lying to you if I agreed that mine did because I think there is always room for growth within us. However, I have come to see that my parents have done enough for me. As a society, we give our parents power and sometimes, too much power. For they are human just like us and when we are children, it is hard to hold them accountable. 

A lot of my healing is about accepting that I didn’t have a voice when I was child because there is only so much a minor can say without fear of being kicked out, not loved or feeling like they aren’t enough. We create co-dependent relationships in our families by thinking that they have to agree with everything we say and do but love is not about agreeing. Bringing love into a situation means peace. And, sometimes the best way to maintain peace is to forgive and move on with your life with or without people you have depended on before. 

Many of us look at our parents as our leaders and become heartbroken when they aren’t because we expect perfection from those who take the lead. But, we forget that sometimes leaders come into our lives just to show us how not to do things. Parent to children relationship is no different to take that example. 

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I forgive him, B.

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

Why do I want to forgive him? 

Because he is a good person. 

I forgive him because I am done resisting him and who he is. 

I forgive him because he is not exactly who I want him to be and that is perfect. He is not meant to be a mould of my imagination; he is a mould of God’s imagination. 

I forgive him because criticizing him isn’t helping me. 

I forgive him because I admit that he may not be for me but that doesn’t mean that I need to shoot him down and disrespect him. 

I forgive him because I have my fiery and stubborn way towards him that I need to detach myself from if I want to be a healthy person in this world. 

I forgive him because I release him into God’s hands and trust he will take care of him. 

I forgive him because I may never see him again and I am at peace with that. I let go of any resentment about how he handled me and us because it is exactly how it is meant to be. 

3 Things that I am learning about dating in my 30s.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

When I was 21, 10 years ago, I had expected my life to be different. I was a bartender at a restaurant in Soho, NYC, and I thought that I had met the love of my life. At that time he was. And, so is anyone that I choose to spend my time, energy and life with. 

Little did I know that I would go on to almost get married again and be in a few long term relationships. I am grateful for every single things that I have learnt along the way because it has led me to who I am today. Yes, it also took work! But, I needed the experiences to be able to apply what I had learnt so that I could grow. 

I have previously been fully open about how I thought that I would be married and have kids by now. A life that I still sometimes mourn but I know that I am exactly where I am meant to be because I don’t see myself in a life-long partnership with anyone from past. 

As I date, I am learning a lot and it is an amazing experience to do in my 30s. Now that I have more confidence, boundaries and clarity. Here is what I am learning about dating in my 30s: 

1. I don’t owe anyone anything. 

Contrary to how a lot of us are raised, we think that we are owed something. This creates a sense of dependency. When I was younger, I felt like if someone paid for a date, bought me something or told me that they were committed to me that I had to stick around. I have learnt that this is not the case. Potential and reality are two different things. If someone wants a future with you, they need to work at it. Whatever that means for you and that person. 

I am now so comfortable with the notion that unless someone puts forward the necessary action to sustain a relationship, I would rather leave because nothing but them will make them do so- no matter how ‘great’ or ‘convincing’ I might be. 

2. No more fitting into what someone else wants me to be. 

I spent a lot of my 20s pretending to be who someone else wanted me to be. Whether it was for a job, a family member or a romantic partner. Those days are no longer. I know who I am and I am enough. I am exactly who I am meant to be. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t do work on myself but it means that I can be grateful for where I have been and for who I am because I have a lot to be proud of. 

I don’t need to be someone else to be liked or loved. I am worthy of love exactly as I am. 

3. Respect is essential. 

I have always believed that love wasn’t enough but it wasn’t until I dealt with men and situations that proved it to me. I don’t walk around jaded by the past but my previous experiences have allowed me to grow. I am grateful for all of them and for all the people who came into my life. 

I used to date a guy who was a Chef and wouldn’t reply to my text messages for a few days or ever, would look at other women while we were on dates and, was wishy-washy about our future. I saw his potential and was afraid to look at his behaviour to realize that it wasn’t for me. Because these little signs lead to a bigger one, it differs person-to-person but (in this case) he wasn’t ready to commit to someone else at that time. Which was later revealed to me. 

So now, I no longer look at potential but who is in front of me. Just because someone isn’t ready to commit to me, doesn’t make them bad or deceiving. It just means that they are not for me and I am not for them. There is no need for resentment or anger. 

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect.

Image de Unsplash

Image de Unsplash

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Ses actions sont plus éloquentes que ses paroles.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il aime le chemin de la guérison (tout comme moi) et est prêt à travailler pour cela.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il pratique ce qu'il prêche.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il a choisi, tout comme moi, d'abandonner l'ancienne idée de partenariat et en choisit une nouvelle fondée sur l'égalité et la gentillesse.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il a laissé derrière lui le besoin et la dépendance au drame et a choisi d'être en paix.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il vient avec son cœur dans sa main parce qu'il comprend que personne ne devrait avoir à travailler pour l'amour.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il sait que je ne lui dois rien. Ce que je lui donne est par choix, vice versa. Nous choisissons donc judicieusement les actions les unes envers les autres.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il admire la paix, comprend la valeur de son partenaire et pense fortement à la croissance.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Nous nous tenons la main ensemble et nous promettons de nous élever la vie, peu importe ce qui nous arrive.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

His actions speak louder than his words. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He enjoys the journey of healing (just like I) and is willing to work for it. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He practices what he preaches. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He has chosen, just like I have, to leave behind the old idea of partnership and chooses a new one based on equality and kindness. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He has left the need and addiction for drama behind him and has chosen to be at peace. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He comes with his heart in his hand because he understands that no one should have to work for love. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He knows that I don’t owe him anything. What I give to him is out of choice, vice versa. So we choose actions towards one another wisely. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He admires peace, understands his partner’s worth and thinks highly of growth. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. We hold hands together and promise to elevate each other’s lives, no matter what comes our way. 

The 4 roles that I am done playing in partnerships.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

I’ve been single for the past six months and have had a chance to really dive deep into my thoughts, my own interests and my purpose in life. Not to say that this is not accomplishable if you are in a relationship; however, the type of partnerships that I had previously been in, I gave more to them than what I got back.


I have no animosity towards any of my exes. I love them all dearly and I wish them well. They are fantastic people and they have helped shape me into who I am today. I don’t communicate with most of them, which I sometimes get sad about because I believe if you have shared a beautiful journey with another person, there is no need to be spiteful or resentful towards them. Every relationship has an expiration date.


My last relationship, which ended in June, solidified some of the biggest lessons that I had previously touched on the surface. Part of the reason that it did is because my former partner was well-known and sometimes, with fame comes disorder, toxicity and people attracted to the idea of a facade. Although I still have love for this man, it is very clear that we are not meant to be together for the long haul, which is fine. Not everything significant and life-changing requires long-term commitment. Sometimes people and things come into our lives to teach us a thing or two and then we part ways.


Through these past relationships, I learnt many things. In most of them, I played a role. Whatever title I played came with a sacrifice, of myself. I used to believe that I needed to sacrifice a part of who I was/am to be loved- which is a big lie.

True love begins with acceptance and now that I have found that kind of love for myself, I would be honoured to share it with another.


Here are the 4 roles that I am done playing in relationships:


1. The ‘perfect one’.


It was on my fifteenth birthday that my father called me to tell me that he was on his way and never showed up. Not only did he not show up but I never saw him ever again. He decided that he didn’t want to be a part of our family anymore. This pain I hid for many years in the form of needing to be perfect because, subconsciously, I had thought that I was the reason why he left. I kept what had happened a secret from my close friends because their lives seemed perfect and I was afraid that if I broke the ‘perfect’ mould, I wouldn’t be lovable to anyone. This belief is what I held onto until recently. I believed that if I showed anyone my tears or let my guard down about my true emotions and pain, they would run. Contrary to what I had believed, it does the opposite.


Creating a mould of perfection of who I am, the person that I should be with and, how we should look to everyone else is a lie. One that is not worth living because while we put up facades, we sacrifice ourselves, relationships and the people that we love.


2. The ‘martyr’.


Maybe this is middle-child syndrome or being a child of divorce; however, I have frequently felt like I am the one that everyone needs to rely on. This martyr-type of thinking attracted and entered into relationships with people who were comfortable with dumping their load onto me because I would take it. I would get dumped on, over-and-over, until I would leave or break up with my partner.


I used to believe that true love meant being someone else’s saviour; however, I have come to understand and learn that we are the only ones who can ever really save ourselves. I can support, encourage, influence and leave an impression on somebody else. But, if that person doesn’t want to change, I can’t force them.


3. The ‘cool’ one.


Even though I am very feminine, I have always been inclined to male-driven and competitive activities. As a result, I had a lot of male friends, many of them I would end up dating. Because we were formerly friends, they felt comfortable with me. Sometimes, they were so comfortable with me that they would say inappropriate things to me about how attractive another woman is and our boundaries became blurred because we acted more as friends than as partners. A friendship is important in partnership; however, partners and friends are different. We choose partners to live with, to possibly have children with and, to grow old together- this is not usually the outcome with friends.


A healthy partnership requires boundaries and I am done playing the role that I am okay with a broken boundary or disrespect when I am not. Playing along and not speaking up only leads to bitterness and resentment down the line.


4. The ‘settling- one’.


Maybe it’s because I’m an Aquarius but I believe in freedom and being with someone who enjoys my company, not someone that I have forced to be with me. I fully admit that I have previously fallen trap into the idea that love is jealous, mean and unkind when my intuition has always told me otherwise.


As women, we are raised with sayings like, ‘You need to keep him in check’, ‘He can look but make sure he knows where his home is’ or, ‘He’s a man, he is going to cheat’. Believing these sayings has caused me immense pain and suffering because they affirm that women should settle for less and expect less from men. I’m not sure why I believed these sayings because I was raised by strong women who believe the opposite of this. When I did implement these false sayings into my life, I would always regret sacrificing my self worth and integrity just to be in a relationship with someone who I probably shouldn’t have been with in the first place.


Once I found true love for myself, I released the need to be with another person. Particularly if that person is someone who doesn’t respect me, my values, my culture and what I believe in.

I have found true love and respect.

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

I have found true love and respect.

She is in the form of someone who knows that everything is working for her favour.


I have found true love and respect.

She understands that every single step that she has taken has led to her standing here in this present moment.


I have found true love and respect.

She believes in the power of patience, kindness and compassion.


I have found true love and respect.

She is open to the idea of not knowing everything and is open to surrender her former ideas to what could be.


I have found true love and respect.

She doesn’t blame anyone but tries to see every interaction as a teacher to learn and grow.


I have found true love and respect.

She believes in self-reflection and progression.


I have found true love and respect.

She has let go of the need to be right and chooses to surrender her life to a higher purpose.


I have found true love and respect.

She is working everyday to let her guard down and have an open heart.


I have found true love and respect.

She is learning the difference between force and effort. She has no desire to force things and people to go her way because she believes that if she works hard enough, believes enough and is grateful enough, what is meant for her will find her.

I have found true love and respect.

It was always inside of me.

Estoy Listo.

public.jpeg

Estoy listo

Listo para enfrentar este mundo sin ti.

Estoy comenzando un nuevo capítulo que es mío.

Y, en este libro no hay incorrecto ni correcto.

Entonces, déjame hacer lo que necesito hacer.

‘Porque no quiero hacer nada parecido a lo que haces.

Estoy listo para ser libre.

Estoy listo para ser yo.

¿Y qué? Pensaste que podrías arruinar mis planes.

Y destruye todas las emociones que tengo.

Estoy tan contento de que fueras malo.

Para poder ver todas las cosas que he visto.

Entonces, déjame hacer lo que necesito hacer.

‘Porque no quiero estar cerca de lo que haces.

Estoy listo para enfrentar todos mis miedos.

Estoy listo para ser yo.

5 quotes that helped me through the biggest heartbreak of my life.

Until that moment, I thought that I had had enough heartache for the 27 years of my existence on this earth. However, I was incorrect. The biggest heartache was about to happen to me. 

 

I was in a seemingly loving relationship with a man four years my senior. He had recently moved to Savannah to pursue his career. I only wanted the best for him so I was the supportive girlfriend. Shortly after his departure, I suspected that I was pregnant. I became heavily nauseous with certain smells, became extremely tired and had other symptoms.

 

I took a test and found out that I was pregnant. A day after I informed my (then) boyfriend, he disappeared. I texted, called, e-mailed but no reply. I spent a few days waking up and going to sleep crying. I would take breaks at work to ball my eyes out. 

 

I cried my heart out fearing having to raise a  child by myself, I cried about whether I would be okay and I cried out of confusion because he had told me that he would be there for me and that he had wanted my child. 

 

I received a brief e-mail about five days after his disappearance from him, saying that we needed to talk. I agreed to it but no reply from him. The next day, I woke up with a pain in my abdomen and bleeding. I rushed to The ER and texted him on the way. Still no reply. I ended up miscarrying from emotional stress. 

 

In a week, I went from having a baby and boyfriend to being alone. A lonely hole filled my life so I reached out to yoga, gospel music, friends and family. 

 

And, I found five magical quotes that give me salvation everyday:

 

1. It's not over, it's only the beginning- Israel & the new breed.

 

Given the fact that this situation is still fresh in my mind, I wake up listening to this song everyday . It's a gospel song by Israel & the new breed. Experiencing such heartbreak can sometimes make me think that my life is over. That the next guy that I date will be worse than the last, that I will never be a mother again or that I am running out of time to have my own family. This song reminds me that all of that is a lie because I know in my heart that the universe ultimately saved me from a relationship with a man that I didn't want to be with. So, my heart is at ease knowing that this is the beginning of better days. 

 

 

2. When people show you who they are, believe them- Maya Angelou

 

Looking back, I saw many signs that the relationship that I was in was not the one that I wanted to be in. I am not here to dog him out. However, there were many situations when I was there for him during difficult times but he was rarely there for me during difficult times. He showed me time and time again that he was incapable of being there for me. This time, I listened. Moving forward, I will accept everyone's behaviour as truth- not excuse it. 

 

3. When you're going through hell, keep going- Winston Churchill. 

 

I love this quote so much that I have it on my fridge. While I was pregnant, it was so difficult to get out of bed and go to yoga, work and to even interact with people. I would muster up the energy to face myself and others everyday because I knew that there was an end to what I was going through. And, alas, there was! I kept going and, through that, I learnt how strong I really am.

 

4. Quit beating yourself up, you are not a finished product. You are a work in progress- Joel Osteen.

 

Sometimes negative thoughts of how I let a man like my ex-boyfriend into my life come over me. I find myself being washed with guilt of allowing myself to be swept away by someone who was clearly not good news for me. And then, I decide to be kind to myself and trust the journey. I have mercy on myself because I know that I am learning and, sometimes, things aren't as clear they may seem but I will be okay.

 

5. 'I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear- Martin Luther King Jnr.

 

It's easy to hate someone after doing you wrong. Initially after everything happened, I blamed my ex-boyfriend for contributing to the stress that caused my miscarriage. But those thoughts were heavy. They were weighing me down. They wore heavy on my soul because ultimately I know that what has happened, has happened, and it is only beneficial for me to move forward. The love that I have for him is gone but I can stick with love for myself. Forgiving him is for me. And, forgiveness doesn't have to mean that I am his best friend. In this case, it means that I am not choosing to let negativity rule my life.

by Hali Tsotetsi