We have all heard phrases like, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me.’ Which is a very false statement to project out into The World. Unfortunately, it has set the precedent for how many of us are able to be emotionally abused without even realizing that it is happening until we have left the situation or the abuser is done with us and taken what they wanted from us.

I used to believe that everyone was good and that everyone had kind intentions, until my last two romantic relationships, where I clearly saw that they didn’t come to our union with kind intentions. In fact, they came with opposite intentions. I then started to look back at former relationships, not only romantic ones, and saw a trend. You might ask, what took her so long to understand this? And, the most simple answer is that I didn’t want to believe that some people would go out of their way to harm me because then I would have to see the world through a different lens. A different point of view of how I had been raised and conditioned by society, that not everyone wants to be a better person.

*If you would like to know more about my previous realizations and how I have come to this understanding, please read my previous articles.

Here are 3 things that I wish I’d known about emotional abuse before I started dating:

1. It can happen to anyone.

We have this idea that people who are weak and ignorant are prey for abusive people. They might be, yes! However, so is everyone else. We live in a culture that supports emotional abuse because we hide it, particularly by those who are closest to us. The general trend of abuse is to silence the abused while the abuser moves on to someone else. And, the cycle continues. Not only does the cycle continue with the abuser; however, abused people often end up abusing (too) because they are conditioned and fooled into thinking that abuse is somehow appropriate or acceptable.

When I mentioned how my former partner emotionally abused me to some people, I was met with very little compassion and was told phrases like, ‘Stay away!’, ‘Keep yourself safe!’ Or ‘Just leave him alone’. What people don’t understand is that abusers are highly aware of their actions and will not just ‘leave their victims alone’, they receive a form of satisfaction from predatory behaviour. This cycle can happen to anyone. Instead of us shunning who it has happened to, we should be open to their process of healing and give them credit for the strength that they have needed to endure a situation like an abusive one.

2. Surround yourself with people who believe you and support you.

The biggest mistake that I ever made while I was in emotionally abuse relationships was surrounding myself with people who affirmed what the abuser would say to me. For example, my ex-fiancé would call me ‘fat’ frequently. When I told some people this, I was told that I was being sensitive for being affected by his words or that he didn’t really mean it. I believed them because I did have a tendency to be sensitive, so there was some truth to what they were saying. However, there is never an excuse for calling someone that you love, ‘fat’.

Looking back, I understand clearly that their response was a byproduct of what they accepted in their life. As I previously mentioned, we live in a society that accepts abuse. So, most people will not understand why you are standing up for yourself against emotional abuse because they either use emotionally abusive tactics themselves. Or, are being abused and ignore how you feel because them accepting it would have an effect on their reality and how they operate.

3. Trust yourself.

The older that I get, the more that I see how little I used to trust myself. I have always been intuitive and, thankfully, my mother affirmed me of this since I was a kid. I have memories of steering clear of certain people who turned out to be abusing others or turned out to be insincere in some of manner.

For example, I would avoid watching The Cosby Show because I couldn’t stand to look at the father. There was no solid reason for why I felt the way that I did; turns out that I had a sneaky suspicion of what has been revealed to the public through a judicial process. Through evidence and conviction, it has been proven to us that he has not had kind intentions and when I was a child, I felt it- even through the television screen. Unfortunately, most of us are trained to trust others, money and social labels more than ourselves so we go along with what the situation is, until it is revealed that a scenario or person is not a safe space to be in.

When you have a feeling about someone that is off, it is okay to wait for them to reveal themselves over time. Sometimes we rush into situations and go against our gut feeling for fear that we might lose out on a romantic situation. However, if that person is worth being with, they will not mind taking things slow. It is a major red flag if someone denounces your wishes to take your time because rushing into a romantic situation is prime breeding ground for an abuser to manipulate you into going against your self worth and intuition.