Dear W, everything is perfect.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

Dear W, 

Nothing is wrong. Everything is meant to be exactly the way that it is. 

When I decided to leave, I was angry. I was pissed. I felt betrayed. I felt hurt. I felt like I should’ve seen it coming. I asked myself how I could’ve given you a chance? 

Th answer to all these questions is that it was all supposed to happen. Everything is perfect. 

Thank for you for the lessons. In our relationship, I have learnt what true equality means, that money & fame are not everything, that I am enough and worthy of love, I learnt that if anyone makes me feel less-than in a relationship, they are not worth holding onto and, ultimately, I learnt that peace is the most important thing in This World to me. 

Thank you for reminding me that it takes two healthy people to make a relationship work, that if someone tries to make me feel insecure it is an extension of their own insecurities and, that no one is worth chasing after. 

I tried to hate you but hate looks ugly on me. I choose freedom and in that freedom, I forgive you. 

In the words of Maya Angelou, ‘Forgiveness means, I am done with you.’- mentally, physically and spiritually.

4 Reasons why it’s time to create a new paradigm of relationships, based on respect and love.

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

Even though I am a fan of certain traditions, I am not a fan of continuing traditions that are not helpful and stifling. As someone who has almost been married twice and asked a few more times than that, I honestly am not sure that I will get married. Which I am okay with. 

Most of the time when I say this out loud to someone, they react with, ‘Don’t say that!’- as though not being married is a curse. If I am a woman who never gets married, I am okay with that because the standards of the partner that I want to marry are high. And, if I don’t meet someone who meets those expectations in this lifetime, I am better without it. 

I was recently reminded of what happens when we settle and give way more than we get, we become exhausted. I was so exhausted by my last relationship that, at this point, I can’t even speak to him anymore. The thought of seeing him tires me out. But he is not the only one to blame. I went against my intuition and general well-being for the sake of tradition. Which, I will never do again. 

Here are 4 reasons why we need to create a new paradigm of relationship based on love and respect:

1. The old paradigm of relationships is not working. 

Unless you live in a cave, you must be aware of how we are bombarded with gossip about celebrities or well-known couples breaking up. 
From what I have seen and experienced, in most cases, the man cheats on a woman and she has to decide to stay or leave. The usual response to that is, ‘Men will be men.’ Which is an old tradition. The idea that someone can’t change based on their upbringing is absurd. Because if someone truly loves another, they will rise up and and become a better person for their partner or allow their significant other to find someone else who will not continue to hurt them. I am done hearing, ‘boys will be boys’ or ‘men cheat’ because that only lowers the standards of the kind of people that we should want to be. People who are respectful and create peace in each others’ lives. 

2. Gender roles are fading

You don’t have to be non-binary to see that the old idea of man & woman relationship is not working anymore. We were once sold the picture- perfect family of a man seeing a woman who she loves and making her his. The woman then spends the relationship keeping him or forcing him to change. That was my last relationship. And, what I learnt is that it’s all a trap. It’s just a way to keep drama and problems around because someone will always resent the other. What I experienced in being a romantic circumstance like this, is that equal means equal. Healthy relationships thrive on equality and respect, not who has more money, who is having the kids, who is more well-known, who does more or who was born a male or female. They are based on love and respect. 

3. Trust should come before protection

When I speak to a lot of people about relationships, I get sad. It saddens me that most people are entering relationships or marriages expecting the worst and needing to protect themselves. I have been there before, where I was scared that things would go wrong with someone that I dearly loved. As a result of this fear, I have tried to control the other person so that they would always be around. Playing mind games, acting mysterious, coming&going and having some kind of way to have leverage over someone because if I have chosen to love them, then I have deserved something in return. This thinking is toxic and co-dependent. When we love with our walls up, the other person can’t come into our house. Sometimes we put up walls so high that we can’t even see how we have closed off the other person who is on the other side. Defeating the whole purpose of a relationship. We cannot love without trusting. If there is no trust, there is no love.

4. Relationships are about unity and creating a union. 

My last relationship taught me many things but mostly taught me that if unity is not the goal, there is no point in being with someone else. Which, is why I left. I made a decision to leave because I felt more alone than actually with someone. After I left, I had an epiphany, if someone truly loves me, why would they not want to be in union with me? And, if they don’t, there is no point in being with them. Being with someone should not feel like you are fighting with them consistently, you should feel like the person you have chosen to be with is on your side; not in battle with you. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He will be in the form of someone who can let go of his pride. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He will understand that love isn’t a game because in games, there is always a loser. However, in love, people should lift each other up. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

I believe now more than ever that I am worthy of it. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. He will see me as an equal: not biologically, financially, materialistically or emotionally. But I am his equal with respect, consideration and kindness. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He will mess up because he is human. But when he does, he will apologize- just as I will do the same. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He has laid the childish games and toys to rest and is ready to create a kingdom (with me) that thrives. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. He respects my space and time enough to let go of the need to be what society says a man should be. He treats women with respect. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. He respects himself, first, and can therefore respect others as well. He understands respect is not given but earned. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. He is working, just as hard as I am, to make this World a better place for his children, loved ones and generations to come. 

Dear God, thank you…

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

Dear God, 

Thank you. 

Thank you for providing me the courage to leave an unhealthy situation, I feel so much better now. 

I now understand why you lead me to him. You did so to make me stronger, more forgiving and capable to get to my next step. 

God, the truth is that I never really understood my connection with this man until now. Today, I can say clearly that he came into my life to heal me of my past. 

You know that I have had trouble with feeling like men have chosen me and that I didn’t have a say in the relationships that I entered in to. After this awful ordeal with this man, I see now what the effects of being blurry about my future do to me (and my future). 

I have spent enough time putting my future in the wrong people’s hands, having hope that boys (disguised as men) would show up for me the way that I had showed up for them. However, they had work to do, and so did I. I had to realize that if someone is willing to manipulate my morals and worth, they don’t love me; they merely want to control me and use me a pawn. 

God, I am so grateful that you put me through this heartache because I see so clearly what having faith in the wrong people can do. Having faith in the wrong people (people who are not genuine and are manipulative) has previously led me down a road of victimization and wondering how I got there. However, today, I see it clearly. 

I control my destiny. Please help me maintain this clarity in my life: in friendships, business and in love because I am worthy of the blessings that come with an awakened heart, mind and soul. 

4 Izinto engifisa sengathi ngabe ngazi ngaphambi kobudlelwane bami bokugcina.

Isitombe se-Unsplash 

Isitombe se-Unsplash 

Uma uhlale usesikhathini nama-athikili ami, uzokwazi ukuthi ngisanda kunquma ukushiya umngane wami othandana naye engangikholelwa ukuthi ungumphefumulo wami. Ngisho noma amagama alotshiwe ngokucacile, bekulokhu uhambo oluye lwacaca. Kuye uhambo olugcwele injabulo, ukudabuka, ukuhleka, izinyembezi kanye nokukhathazeka. Ngukuphi uthando, kwesokudla?

Futhi, ngothando kuvela konke. Ngicacile kakhulu esinqumweni sami sokuhamba futhi ngibonga ngakho konke. Ngokucacile, kuvela izifundo nokuzihlolisisa.

Uma ngibheka emuva, yilokho engifisa sengathi ngingayazi ngaphambi kobudlelwane bami bokugcina:

1. Abantu ababili abakwazi ukuphoqelelwa ndawonye, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi bathandana kangakanani.

Mina kanye nami siphila impilo ehluke kakhulu. Ngimpilo nempilo; usekuzijabulisa. Lapho siqala ubuhlobo bethu, nganginokungabaza okuningi kepha nginothando ngothando nokuthi yena uyathandana kakhulu kunokwesehluko. Lokho engikufundile ukuthi indlela yokuzikhethela abantu abakhetha ukuyobe nayo inethonya empilweni yabo. Kwangenza ngikhathazekile ukubona abesifazane bengenazo izingubo noma ekukhanyeni ngokocansi ekhasini lakhe le-Instagram nakwamanye amavidiyo angasoze asuswa ememori yami futhi wangenza umbuzo uma ebona abesifazane besilingana noma njengama-pawn ukuze benze imali of. Impendulo yalo mbuzo iphakathi kwakhe noNkulunkulu kodwa, engikwaziyo ukuthi indoda engiyifunayo njengomlingani umuntu ohlonipha ubuhlakani besifazane njengamakhono abo angokwenyama. Akuyona nje mina kodwa yena nabo bonke abantu ababukeka kuye.

2. Ubuhlungu abukwazi ukugwema.

Uma sicabanga mayelana nokugijima ekubhekaneni nobuhlungu, kubonakala sengathi kungumqondo we-masochistic. 'Ngubani ozozibeka ngokuzithandela ebuhlungu ukuze akhule ?, sibuza. Ngokusobala akekho ohamba kahle! Kodwa nganoma yini efanele, kuza ubuhlungu nobunzima. Ngalesi sifo sithola okuningi. Sithola amandla, izinguquko zangaphakathi, ukukhula kwangaphakathi nokuningi okuningi. Ubuhlungu luyingxenye yenqubo, ngakho kungani ungayitholi? Yamukela umkhuba omubi ngoba okuhle kwenza sijabule futhi kubi kungasisiza sikhule.

3. Zithethelele wena.

Lokhu kuye kwaba yinye yezimo ezinzima kunazo zonke okumele zibe khona. Futhi, ngiye ngazibuza izikhathi eziningi uma ngenza isinqumo esifanele ngenkathi ngenza futhi emva kokukwenzila. Ngikhohlwa lokhu ngezinye izikhathi kodwa, ngingumuntu. Ngokuhlangenwe nakho komuntu kufika amaphutha kanye nezinto esifisa sengathi singenza ngcono. Ngempela, ngizizwa ngenza iphutha ngicabanga ukuthi i-DJ / Umkhiqizi angangithanda ngendlela engifanele ukuba ngithande ngayo; hhayi ngenxa yomsebenzi wakhe kodwa lokho okuza nakho. Amantombazane, izidakamizwa kanye nobuthi akuyona ingxenye yokuphila kwami futhi angifuni ukuba nomuntu onayo lezi zinto empilweni yakhe.

Noma nini lapho ngiyicabanga ngakho kakhulu, ngikhetha intethelelo. Ngizithethelela ngokuvula inhliziyo yami ngoba nakuba izinhliziyo zethu zihlala zihloselwe ukuvuleka, kungumsebenzi wami ukuvikela ukuthi ngithanda kangakanani umuntu othinta uthando lwami njengokungcola kunokuba into eyigugu futhi efanelekile.

4. Babathethelele.

Ngisekhona kulolu hambo futhi uzoqhubeka ngize ngibe nokuthula lapho ngibona igama lakhe noma isithombe sakhe. Inqubo eqhubekayo.

Ngokwethembeka, ngithola kunzima ukumthethelela kodwa ngenxa yokuthi kunzima, akusho ukuthi ngiyeka. Ukuthethelela kudinga amandla, amandla angaphakathi njengenoma yini enye. Ukuze ukwazi ukubuka umuntu owenze ubuhlungu futhi aqhubeke enokuthula akuyona eyinhliziyo ebuthakathaka noma eqinekile, kungenxa yokuqina. Amandla akwenzeki ebusuku, kudinga ukuzimisela kwethu nokuhlanganyela.

Ngilangazelela usuku engingambona ngalo futhi ngibe nokuthula kuze kube yileso sikhathi, ngizoqhubeka nohambo lwami lokuthethelela.

Dear W, (forgiveness)

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

Dear W, 

Why do I want to forgive you? 

Because it’s time to move on with my life. 

I forgive you because as I move on, I let go of any anger, resentment and bitterness. As, everyone knows that to achieve happiness, we must let go of anything in the way of that. 

I forgive you because the truth is that I am better without you. So, for freedom and peace of mind, I choose forgiveness. Freedom of any former bondage that was tied to the expectation that either of us would be around and together forever. Now that we know that that is not true, I walk free with forgiveness. 

I forgive you because any negativity that I might feel towards you, will only affect me and my future. 

I can see my future so clearly, I am at peace with my future partner, drama-free, resentment-free and filled with all the benefits that The Universe will bless me with as a reward for letting you go. 

Wathandekayo W (ngikuthethelele)

Isitombe se-Unsplash 

Isitombe se-Unsplash 

Wathandekayo W, ngikuthethelela

Ngikuthethelela ngoba ukuphindisela umbala omubi ukugqoka.

Ngikuthethelela ngoba lesi sahluko sinye esenziwa futhi yingxenye encane nje yalokho okwenza impilo yami.

Ngithethelela ngoba ngibona isifundo sokuthi kungani wangena empilweni yami. Isifundo sigcwaliseka futhi sigcwalisiwe.

Ngikuthethelela ngoba ukuzwa intukuthelo nokuphindiselela kuphela kubeka amandla emiphakathini evuthayo.

Ukubuyisela futhi ukuthola ukuthula, ngithethelela. Ngoba ukuthethelelwa kuyindlela enamandla kakhulu yokulawula isimo.

4 Ce que j'ai appris de mon récent chagrin d'amour.

Image de Unsplash

Image de Unsplash

C’est drôle de voir à quel point nous pensons avoir appris tout ce que nous devons apprendre, puis quelque chose d’autre nous apprend quelque chose pour nous aider à mieux nous comprendre nous-mêmes ou à mieux comprendre la vie.

Si vous n'êtes pas au courant de mon périple Twin — flam, lisez les autres articles de notre section LOVE afin de comprendre ce qui m'a conduit à ce point. Le point où j'ai coupé les liens avec mon Twin-flame et que je ne veux pas d'avenir avec lui.

Heureusement, j'ai décidé d'être célibataire et de sortir avec d'autres personnes, des personnes qui apprécient ce que je vaux et ce que je représente. Être et se sentir petit n'est pas durable et ne peut durer que si longtemps.

Notre histoire m'a laissé un profond chagrin d'amour. Cependant, je considère que c'est positif. Je m'en vais avec beaucoup plus que ce que je pensais.

Voici ce que j'ai appris de ce chagrin d'amour:

1. S'intégrer dans le moule de quelqu'un d'autre étouffe.

Ma flamme jumelle a une très grande personnalité et peut être envahissante. Moi aussi, je ne suis pas un ange. Cependant, j'ai appris à pouvoir l'atténuer. En atténuant les effets, je me suis trouvé à l'apaiser et à satisfaire ses besoins dans notre relation. Oublier ce que je veux vraiment, cela peut arriver si vite. Cela a commencé avec le fait de permettre de petites choses et de laisser trop de choses continuer heureusement, affectant ainsi mon estime de moi et mon bien-être général.

J’ai appris que je suis censé être dans le moule que je me suis créé, et non celui de quelqu'un d’autre. Vivre une vie faite des attentes de quelqu'un d’autre n’est pas vraiment vivre parce que cela lui donne trop de responsabilités dans votre vie.

2. La relation Twin-Flame est destinée à vous changer. Alors, soit fait.

J'avais tellement peur de perdre ma Twin— flamme parce que je l'aimais. Hors de cette peur, je me suis tenu pour la vie chère. Je le tenais comme s'il était ma source de vie. Le danger était que je l’autorise à se comporter de manière à ne me faire reprocher à personne. J'ai fait des recherches sur une relation Twine-flamme et j'ai découvert que ces relations sont censées entrer dans votre vie et vous changer. Ce n'est pas pour toujours. La pensée de cela m'a terriblement effrayé jusqu'à ce qu'il me fasse mal et on m'a rappelé que personne ne vaut la peine de s'y accrocher, surtout s'ils ne sont là que pour vous faire sentir mal à propos de qui vous êtes et de votre existence.

3. La vie continue.

Il y a toujours une vie après le chagrin d'amour. Et, chaque fois que j'oublie ça, ça me rappelle. Aujourd'hui, je suis le plus heureux que j'ai jamais été parce que je sais que j'ai donné et fait tout ce que j'ai pu dans la relation. Donc, je peux partir avec un sourire sur mon visage. Je ne souris pas toujours. Parfois, je suis triste et blessé, mais c’est la vie. Particulièrement, lorsque vous aurez affaire à l'amour, toutes vos émotions seront révélées. Ce qui va bien. Je peux me réjouir de ma vie et du chapitre suivant avec les leçons que j'ai apprises et la transformation qui s'est produite en moi.

4. L'amour c'est du travail mais pas de l'angoisse.

J'étais à Sephora et une chanson de mon Twin-flame a été entendue et, étonnamment, j'ai souri. J'ai pensé à tous les bons souvenirs que nous avions et cela a réchauffé mon cœur. Après cela, je me suis souvenu de la façon dont il m'a fait mal. Je me suis décidé à considérer ce chapitre comme ayant fonctionné exactement comme prévu. J’ai appris l’une des meilleures leçons que j’ai jamais pu apprendre: l’amour, c’est du travail mais pas de l’angoisse. Vers la fin de notre relation, je me suis senti pris au piège, solitaire et triste la plupart du temps. Ce qui n'est pas ce qu'il devrait être. Même si l'amour exige du travail, personne ne devrait se sentir laissé dans le noir.

J'attends avec impatience les jours et les relations que je ressens comme un travail d'amour sans agonie. J'ai l'espoir que cette relation est dans mon avenir.

Dear W, (I forgive you)

Image by Unsplash

Image by Unsplash

Dear W, I forgive you 

I forgive you because revenge is an ugly colour to wear. 

I forgive you because this chapter is one that is done and only a small fraction of what makes up of my life. 

I forgive you because I see the lesson of why you came into my life. The lesson is fulfilled and completed. 

I forgive you because feeling anger and vengeance only puts energy into emotions that are depleting.

To restore and find peace, I forgive. Because forgiveness is the most powerful way to have control over a situation.