9 choses que je dirais à mes ex si je les voyais aujourd'hui.

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Je suis célibataire depuis plus d'un an et ça a été magnifique. Je me vois m'installer et être dans un partenariat sacré, respectueux, honnête et rempli d'amour.

En repensant aux relations précédentes, je ne suis que reconnaissant. De temps en temps, j'ai des aperçus du passé des souvenirs qui me laissent avec un sourire sur mon visage.

Après tout, je reste avec une profonde gratitude.

Voici 9 choses que je dirais à mes ex:

1. Merci.

2. Vous m'avez aidé à grandir.

3. Vous m'avez aidé à apprendre à aimer.

4. Je suis ici aujourd'hui et je me suis transformé en partie grâce à vous.

5. Vous êtes aimé.

6. J'espère que vous avez tout l'amour et le bonheur que vous méritez.

7. Que tous vos souhaits se réalisent.

8. Je prie pour votre santé, votre bien-être et pour que vous continuiez à choisir l'amour.

9. Je vous ai pardonné comme je suis sûr que vous m'avez pardonné.

3 Things that I have learnt about healing as a child of divorce.

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I would be lying to you if I told you that our parents aren’t the biggest shapers in our lives. I would also be lying to you if I told you that we ever really heal from trauma that occurs when we see our parents interacting with one another because that is the first romantic relationship that we will see and leaves an imprint on us for the rest of our lives. 

As like with other families, as much love and warmth there is; there is also hurt, resentment, jealousy and anger in mine. Which can be equated to love vs. fear. And, most of us struggle with loving because we are in a constant state of fear. Passed down from generation-to-generation. At some point, we have to take responsibility for our lives and set healthy boundaries for ourselves and others. 

On my journey of healing which actively started a decade ago, I have learnt over-and-over that life is about healing. We are not meant to be perfect because perfection is a façade. True healing is from bringing the broken pieces into whole. And, most of that comes from being honest because once we acknowledge something, we can match our actions to that. 

So, in the spirit, of honesty, here is what I have learnt about healing through the eyes of a child of divorce: 

1. Forgiveness is key. 

I recently lashed out at some loved ones in my family and I could spend my life blaming them. However, that would be unfair to me and to them. You see, becoming whole doesn’t mean that we won’t fall down but it means that we get back up. And, when we have gotten back up, we can look back and forgive. Forgive ourselves, others and the situation. Which, I am in the process of doing. 

We are multi-faceted beings and sometimes a part of us is brought up by a situation that we might not have thought was possible but that moment doesn’t define us, it is a stepping stone to real healing and progression. For when we are truthful, that is when we can move forward. Sometimes making a mistake will show us what we need to work on. 

This moment showed me the role that I play. The one of perfect as a result of being a child of divorce. You see, all kids take on a persona which becomes our way of surviving. Mine was, act perfect and have everything together so that life can be perfect and things won’t fall apart. It put immense pressure on me and I cracked. When I cracked, I decided to redefine how I had approached life and people in my life. And, who is coming with me along the way forward.

2. You can’t force people to change. 

I grew up in an African family where pride helps us keep our last name in dignity. That idea comes with many great qualities. It has taught me to keep going no matter what, to always look as good as I can and to give off a persona of strength even if I am not strong on the inside. But, with all facades comes the negative. Related to the pride, I have always felt the need to take on more than was expected of me because I felt like if I didn’t, I wasn’t doing enough and ultimately, wasn’t enough. I noticed a pattern in relationships that I would be as perfect as I could so that they would never leave. Sacrificing myself to be loved and when I wasn’t, I would flip and get upset. 

I have learnt and am practicing that when you love someone, you don’t want them to mess up, for the relationship to be over or manipulate them into never leaving you or being who you want them to be because then we are never really present. I have accepted that just because I love someone doesn’t mean that they have to be in my life or love me back. I can love them from far away especially if being around them is not healthy. I don’t need to hold on to anyone for the idea of perfection or that I have everything together. I don’t have it all together and I am not meant to- that is the journey of life.

3. My parents did enough. 

I once heard one of my mentors say that he believes his parents did their best and I would be lying to you if I agreed that mine did because I think there is always room for growth within us. However, I have come to see that my parents have done enough for me. As a society, we give our parents power and sometimes, too much power. For they are human just like us and when we are children, it is hard to hold them accountable. 

A lot of my healing is about accepting that I didn’t have a voice when I was child because there is only so much a minor can say without fear of being kicked out, not loved or feeling like they aren’t enough. We create co-dependent relationships in our families by thinking that they have to agree with everything we say and do but love is not about agreeing. Bringing love into a situation means peace. And, sometimes the best way to maintain peace is to forgive and move on with your life with or without people you have depended on before. 

Many of us look at our parents as our leaders and become heartbroken when they aren’t because we expect perfection from those who take the lead. But, we forget that sometimes leaders come into our lives just to show us how not to do things. Parent to children relationship is no different to take that example. 

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The 3 things that I wish I knew about emotional abuse before I started dating.

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We have all heard phrases like, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me.’ Which is a very false statement to project out into The World. Unfortunately, it has set the precedent for how many of us are able to be emotionally abused without even realizing that it is happening until we have left the situation or the abuser is done with us and taken what they wanted from us.

I used to believe that everyone was good and that everyone had kind intentions, until my last two romantic relationships, where I clearly saw that they didn’t come to our union with kind intentions. In fact, they came with opposite intentions. I then started to look back at former relationships, not only romantic ones, and saw a trend. You might ask, what took her so long to understand this? And, the most simple answer is that I didn’t want to believe that some people would go out of their way to harm me because then I would have to see the world through a different lens. A different point of view of how I had been raised and conditioned by society, that not everyone wants to be a better person.

*If you would like to know more about my previous realizations and how I have come to this understanding, please read my previous articles.

Here are 3 things that I wish I’d known about emotional abuse before I started dating:

1. It can happen to anyone.

We have this idea that people who are weak and ignorant are prey for abusive people. They might be, yes! However, so is everyone else. We live in a culture that supports emotional abuse because we hide it, particularly by those who are closest to us. The general trend of abuse is to silence the abused while the abuser moves on to someone else. And, the cycle continues. Not only does the cycle continue with the abuser; however, abused people often end up abusing (too) because they are conditioned and fooled into thinking that abuse is somehow appropriate or acceptable.

When I mentioned how my former partner emotionally abused me to some people, I was met with very little compassion and was told phrases like, ‘Stay away!’, ‘Keep yourself safe!’ Or ‘Just leave him alone’. What people don’t understand is that abusers are highly aware of their actions and will not just ‘leave their victims alone’, they receive a form of satisfaction from predatory behaviour. This cycle can happen to anyone. Instead of us shunning who it has happened to, we should be open to their process of healing and give them credit for the strength that they have needed to endure a situation like an abusive one.

2. Surround yourself with people who believe you and support you.

The biggest mistake that I ever made while I was in emotionally abuse relationships was surrounding myself with people who affirmed what the abuser would say to me. For example, my ex-fiancé would call me ‘fat’ frequently. When I told some people this, I was told that I was being sensitive for being affected by his words or that he didn’t really mean it. I believed them because I did have a tendency to be sensitive, so there was some truth to what they were saying. However, there is never an excuse for calling someone that you love, ‘fat’.

Looking back, I understand clearly that their response was a byproduct of what they accepted in their life. As I previously mentioned, we live in a society that accepts abuse. So, most people will not understand why you are standing up for yourself against emotional abuse because they either use emotionally abusive tactics themselves. Or, are being abused and ignore how you feel because them accepting it would have an effect on their reality and how they operate.

3. Trust yourself.

The older that I get, the more that I see how little I used to trust myself. I have always been intuitive and, thankfully, my mother affirmed me of this since I was a kid. I have memories of steering clear of certain people who turned out to be abusing others or turned out to be insincere in some of manner.

For example, I would avoid watching The Cosby Show because I couldn’t stand to look at the father. There was no solid reason for why I felt the way that I did; turns out that I had a sneaky suspicion of what has been revealed to the public through a judicial process. Through evidence and conviction, it has been proven to us that he has not had kind intentions and when I was a child, I felt it- even through the television screen. Unfortunately, most of us are trained to trust others, money and social labels more than ourselves so we go along with what the situation is, until it is revealed that a scenario or person is not a safe space to be in.

When you have a feeling about someone that is off, it is okay to wait for them to reveal themselves over time. Sometimes we rush into situations and go against our gut feeling for fear that we might lose out on a romantic situation. However, if that person is worth being with, they will not mind taking things slow. It is a major red flag if someone denounces your wishes to take your time because rushing into a romantic situation is prime breeding ground for an abuser to manipulate you into going against your self worth and intuition.

The 3 Things that I have learnt from being in an almost decade-long cycle of emotionally abusive relationships.

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As we end the year and another decade, I have found myself having nostalgia of the great memories from 2010-2019. I am (without a doubt) blessed and grateful; however, within these years, I have definitely experienced some deep emotional pain and relationships that were not ideal.

I am here today, proud of who I am because I decided to make the most of what was dealt to me. Sometimes, being in a cycle creates survival; however, I choose to thrive. The two are different. In honour of living the best life that I am able, I must be honest about my past. In my honesty, I hope to heal myself and others by revealing truths that we are usually too afraid to reveal.

Here are 3 things that I have learnt from my cycle of emotionally abusive relationships:

1. I can only save myself.

My first memory of wanting to be a saviour is when I was six and my mom came back from the hospital, after giving birth to my sister, with stitches on her belly. I deeply wanted to relieve her of her pain and kept asking her questions about how she got into that circumstance. I wanted to cure her of her stitches and make her fine right then and there. I was a kid, yes! However, I have always had a need to take people out of pain- hence why I am a yoga teacher and wellness coach. This attribute has been an advantage most of the time; however, it has sometimes been a disadvantage.

I have found myself wanting to relieve people from emotional pain and taking on their burden or relieving them of the work that they have to do to heal (themselves). I am able to influence another person; however, I am not able to do the work for them. We are all meant to work on ourselves, which is karma. Everything, including inner peace and wellbeing, requires our own work and self-healing.

2. I can say no.

In previous articles, I touch on how it has been difficult for me to say no in the past. This has been the most challenging thing to learn in my life because we do not live in a society that acknowledges boundaries. One could argue that we live in a society that promotes the lack of boundaries. As a black woman living in America and often being in corporate settings, saying no comes with a price. In fact, for anyone living in a corporate setting, saying no comes with a price because there might be someone else for the job who is cheaper and more available than you are. Corporations tend to feed into our insecurities.

In a corporate society, our personal lives follow suit. If you say ‘no’ to someone who you are romantically involved with, you risk them leaving you and finding someone else who will say yes. That instills fear within us which continues the cycle of self-doubt and lack of self-worth. It has taken me a long time to be able to believe with every fiber of my being that if I work hard enough, am truthful enough and open enough, everything that is meant for me will find me. This knowing has helped me release people, situations and things that feed off of me not feeling good enough.

3. I always have a say.

I’ve been pretty honest about how my last relationship highlighted how I had been in emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships in the past without even being aware of it. You might be asking, how did she not recognize it? Because when you live it, it is challenging to step away from it. I am grateful for every single former relationship because it had a purpose. Particularly the last one because it helped me heal the trauma that I had developed as a kid. I have also mentioned how I grew up with an emotionally abusive older sibling that subconsciously taught me that abuse is okay as long as no one else knows about it. There were no bruises but my self-worth was compromised.

As an adult, in romantic relationships, I would hide when my fiancé would call me fat, when my boyfriend would disappear for two weeks or when another boyfriend and I decided to get pregnant and, he disappeared. My silence festered this cycle. And, we all know that darkness is the prime location for breeding negativity, toxicity and secrets. It took me being in a relationship with a well-known Producer who would lie, cheat and blame me for his actions for me to see the pattern that had been going on in my life. I had attracted and entertained emotionally abusive people.

It took an exaggerated form like this where I still have to hear the music that he made about me on radio and public places to remind me of the role that I played. Who I am today is very different to the person that I was when we met, two years ago. I used to think that someone who I admired knowing me, being influenced by me and seeing me meant that it was cosmic divinity. However, now I understand that me seeing myself, recognizing my self-worth and my truth is the most magic that I will ever experience in this lifetime.

What my narcissistic toxic relationship revealed to me about what I needed to heal from my childhood.

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It’s no secret that I am dealing with a narcissistic ex-boyfriend who continues to harass me and starve for my attention. To get to me, he has hacked my phone, made a few popular songs about me and has made threats of my financial security without him. *Please read my former love articles to be updated on this romantic relationship.

He will continue to do what he does. I am physically safe; however, his emotionally abuse tactics have left my sanity and well-being threatened.

After I left the relationship, I made a decision to heal whatever needed to heal so that I would not allow this form of behaviour in my life again. In the process of healing, I noticed that I also had a few friends with similar behavior to his. So, I did some research and sought out advice from narcissistic abuse experts who revealed that we often allow abusive behaviour if we have grown up in that environment.

My first thoughts were that my parents were supportive. Sure, they are human but I know that they did the best that they could. Following this thought, I had a plethora of memories of how my older sibling emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused me for many years growing up as a kid and into my early adulthood.

I thought that I had dealt with this person (my family member) by cutting them off and no longer engaging in their abusive ways; but I forgot that the biggest thing that the abuser leaves with the abused is a mindset that they are weak, not enough and should feel guilty for how they feel.

Here are 3 things that have been revealed to me that I need to heal from my childhood.

1. Feeling like I can’t speak up.

Family abuse creates a culture of silence and as though the abused can’t speak up for themself. What elders in the situation often don’t understand or realize is that abuse begins with psychological training of the abused so that they won’t speak up. This is no shade to anyone in my life because I know that I was loved and raised from love; however, when I would let some of older family members know of how she treated me, it was often met with phrases like, ‘that’s your blood’, ‘that’s just the way that she is’ or, ‘I’m sure she could say the same about you.’

This subconsciously trained me into thinking that I couldn’t speak up for myself. I am clearly older now and sometimes still have difficulty being truthful or honest because we live in a culture that silences the abused as opposed to dealing with the abuser. I’m not sure exactly why. However, I am re-learning that my truth is more valuable than keeping people around who try to hush me for it, for my sanity and well-being.

2. We live in a culture that supports abusers.

As I previously mentioned, when I would let some elders know about how my older sibling would emotionally abuse me by calling me fat, inadequate and that I would never be loved, the common response was not to take it seriously. This created a belief system in me that if I was being abused or targeted by someone, ignoring it will help it go away- which is completely untrue. Abusers receive satisfaction from going out of their way to abuse their victims so ignoring it will not stop it- only confronting it will. We are all guilty of supporting some form of abuse and, the most common version of this is bullying. I’ve often heard that bullying is necessary because it makes you stronger; however, when you are being bullied or abused, that is the last thing that you are thinking about. The main thing that bullying does is train the person who is bullied that they are less than and need to make up for it by putting up with unhealthy behaviour because the abuser will leave behind these thoughts in the bullied persons thought system.

3. Abusers are not the same person to everyone.

I was watching a video of emotional abuse by Meredith Miller on YouTube and, she said that the classic traits of someone who is abusive is that they become a different person daily. Not meaning that people have different moods; it is as though you are dealing with a completely different person than you did the day before without doing anything to spark this change. It can make you feel like you are walking on eggshells.

While dealing with my older sibling for many years growing up, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and as though she was a ticking time bomb. In general, when I voiced concern, people would emphasize what she had done for me and as though she would give me so much. But, this is what abusers do: they create a façade to everyone else that they are kind and loving towards their abused so that they can continue their abuse. There are many theories for this but at the core of it is that the abuser needs healing and covering up what they have done or continue to do doesn’t help anyone (including the abuser) because the sooner that they can receive healing, the sooner they can make peace with what has led to them behaving this way in the first place.

*If you or anyone that you know is being emotionally or physically abused, please seek help. Your sanity, livelihood and well-being are too important to put at stake.

4 Reasons why I will never hate my Ex.

I’ve been pretty open about how happy I am being single and without my former partner. Sometimes, however, we can confuse statements like this as a reason to hate someone or anyone in this World. But, no one deserves that much energy and effort- especially if it’s negative.

I’ve learnt many things about relationships from being in them and from people around me. And, one of the major things that I have learnt is that when you hate someone, they control your life. It is definitely much easier said than done. But, I believe that if I am being asked to be a stronger person, I can and will rise to the occasion.

Here are 4 reasons why I will never hate my ex:

1. Hate is negative power at its height.

It’s easy to hate. I know because I’ve spent a lot of my life hating people for treating me a certain way, thinking a particular way or for just for being different. But, what I have understood about this is that the only person it really affects is The Hater. Hate builds walls, creates animosity and tension. All of which, I would be experiencing if I choose to hate him. If I truly believe in making The World a better place, then it is my responsibility to ensure that I do the best that I can. That involves releasing hate for people who I believe to have done me wrong.

2. He is human.

I believe in transparency and would be lying if I said that his behaviour doesn’t sometimes bother me. Even though his actions towards me are currently vengeful and angry; I still see a human. Yes, I have chosen to not be with him but I don’t have to vilify him like he is trying to do to me. His path is his; mine is my own. If I respond to his behaviour with the same energy, I am fueling it. So, I would rather let it go and move on with my life.

3. I am human.

When we first broke up, I tried so hard to do it in a peaceful way because I was afraid of being seen as mean or evil- especially as a woman. I’ve never been able to be friends with any of my exes and that has affected me. I carried a deep burden that I need to be friends with my former partners because a lot of people that I know can. In honour of this, I bent over backwards trying to appease my recent ex because I was afraid to be seen in a bad light. I didn’t want anyone to label me as the one who can’t keep a relationship or stay cordial with the person that she spent so much time with. He knew this and used it against me. It is water under the bridge. However, I understand fully that I am human and that I don’t have to always be seen in the best light. I have to make the right decision for me and my health, whether anyone else likes it or not. I am okay with people judging me because I am only human and I will not live according to other people’s standards- I am not meant to.

4. Hate is bonding.

If I am truly done with my former relationship then there is no reason to hold on to it anymore. Not everyday is peachy and rosy when I think about him, particularly when it is visible how much negativity he has for me right now because I hear songs that he wrote about me that play frequently. I am not a victim; I can feel what I need to feel and then move on with peace because when we feel extremely passionate (in a good or bad way) we stay tied to that person. I have chosen to release him no matter what he might say or do to me because the past is not worth being tied down to.

7 reasons to love yourself.

I have a confession to make: loving myself has rarely come easily to me. So I made a list of reasons why I should love myself. I wanted share it because I think you should too:

1. Love yourself because there's no one else who has your smile.

2. Love yourself because there's no one else who has your laugh.

3. Love yourself because wishing to be someone else is a sentence of misery and exhaustion. Regardless of where you may go or what you do, you will be who you are for the rest of your life.

4. Love yourself because it isn't up to others to love you; it's a blessing when they do love you. When you love yourself, you allow yourself to let go of the expectation of others to do so.

5. Love yourself because you've been blessed with the skin you're in, so wear it comfortably.

6. Love yourself because while people come in and out of your life, you will always remain.

7. Love yourself because life becomes easier when you work with what you have.