Until that moment, I thought that I had had enough heartache for the 27 years of my existence on this earth. However, I was incorrect. The biggest heartache was about to happen to me.
I was in a seemingly loving relationship with a man four years my senior. He had recently moved to Savannah to pursue his career. I only wanted the best for him so I was the supportive girlfriend. Shortly after his departure, I suspected that I was pregnant. I became heavily nauseous with certain smells, became extremely tired and had other symptoms.
I took a test and found out that I was pregnant. A day after I informed my (then) boyfriend, he disappeared. I texted, called, e-mailed but no reply. I spent a few days waking up and going to sleep crying. I would take breaks at work to ball my eyes out.
I cried my heart out fearing having to raise a child by myself, I cried about whether I would be okay and I cried out of confusion because he had told me that he would be there for me and that he had wanted my child.
I received a brief e-mail about five days after his disappearance from him, saying that we needed to talk. I agreed to it but no reply from him. The next day, I woke up with a pain in my abdomen and bleeding. I rushed to The ER and texted him on the way. Still no reply. I ended up miscarrying from emotional stress.
In a week, I went from having a baby and boyfriend to being alone. A lonely hole filled my life so I reached out to yoga, gospel music, friends and family.
And, I found five magical quotes that give me salvation everyday:
1. It's not over, it's only the beginning- Israel & the new breed.
Given the fact that this situation is still fresh in my mind, I wake up listening to this song everyday . It's a gospel song by Israel & the new breed. Experiencing such heartbreak can sometimes make me think that my life is over. That the next guy that I date will be worse than the last, that I will never be a mother again or that I am running out of time to have my own family. This song reminds me that all of that is a lie because I know in my heart that the universe ultimately saved me from a relationship with a man that I didn't want to be with. So, my heart is at ease knowing that this is the beginning of better days.
2. When people show you who they are, believe them- Maya Angelou
Looking back, I saw many signs that the relationship that I was in was not the one that I wanted to be in. I am not here to dog him out. However, there were many situations when I was there for him during difficult times but he was rarely there for me during difficult times. He showed me time and time again that he was incapable of being there for me. This time, I listened. Moving forward, I will accept everyone's behaviour as truth- not excuse it.
3. When you're going through hell, keep going- Winston Churchill.
I love this quote so much that I have it on my fridge. While I was pregnant, it was so difficult to get out of bed and go to yoga, work and to even interact with people. I would muster up the energy to face myself and others everyday because I knew that there was an end to what I was going through. And, alas, there was! I kept going and, through that, I learnt how strong I really am.
4. Quit beating yourself up, you are not a finished product. You are a work in progress- Joel Osteen.
Sometimes negative thoughts of how I let a man like my ex-boyfriend into my life come over me. I find myself being washed with guilt of allowing myself to be swept away by someone who was clearly not good news for me. And then, I decide to be kind to myself and trust the journey. I have mercy on myself because I know that I am learning and, sometimes, things aren't as clear they may seem but I will be okay.
5. 'I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear- Martin Luther King Jnr.
It's easy to hate someone after doing you wrong. Initially after everything happened, I blamed my ex-boyfriend for contributing to the stress that caused my miscarriage. But those thoughts were heavy. They were weighing me down. They wore heavy on my soul because ultimately I know that what has happened, has happened, and it is only beneficial for me to move forward. The love that I have for him is gone but I can stick with love for myself. Forgiving him is for me. And, forgiveness doesn't have to mean that I am his best friend. In this case, it means that I am not choosing to let negativity rule my life.
by Hali Tsotetsi