relationships

4 things that I will never do again in a relationship.

We've all been there. Been in a relationship where we have woken up one day and wondered what happened and how we ended up there. 

 

Ended up being in a relationship with someone that we don't like and who doesn't like us. I am a firm-believer in learning from every situation and whether the fault was mine or someone else's, this is what I have learnt from the mistakes made in my past relationships:

 

1. Do not settle

Truth be told, none of my exes were people that I truly wanted to be with even though all of them are genuinely good people, I found myself settling for behaviour and characteristics that I didn't like because I just wanted to be in a relationship. The biggest problem with settling is that you never feel like your relationship is worth being with because deep-down you know and feel that you can do better. 

 

2. State truly what I want from the beginning. 

I have had my fair share of relationships where a lot of things were in the grey area. I didn't want a label, I didn't want to tell them that it hurt me when they didn't call me back or I was afraid of telling them that I wanted to be the only female in the picture. Because of my fear, I only ended up ending relationships way longer than they should've ended. While I appreciate the memories, it sometimes upsets me to think of how much time I wasted on something that wasn't working. 

 

3. Next time, I will believe my partner when they describe themselves to me.

In my past relationships, I would deny when a partner told me that they were a certain way. For example, if one of my exes told me that they were not over their ex, bad with time or don't want to be in a relationship, I will believe them. I formerly used  to think that if a man told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship, it was because he wasn't into me so I would try to be the best 'girlfriend' material so that they would have to love me- which was untrue. When someone says that they are not ready for a relationship, believe them, let them go and find someone who is ready to be in a relationship. It will make being in a relationship easier than being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in one to being with. 

 

4. Put up with games

Loosely phrasing a biblical quote, as you get older, it's time to put away childish things. Meaning that if I like someone, I will welcome them whole-heartedly into my life and if someone that I like doesn't call or text me back, I will move on. There are enough challenges in life to not need to have extra ones in your relationships that are based on immature behaviour.

'Failure is another steppingstone to greatness' Oprah Winfrey

4 empowering things that I have learnt from dating

from Getty Images

from Getty Images

I've had a few long term relationships and dated in between them. But only since my last break-up have I been able to understand what I did wrong in them. 

After seeking professional help through therapists and mentors, I was shown why my relationships didn't do well. 

It has empowered me. And, whether you are female or male, I would like you to feel empowered too. Therefore, I would like to share what was revealed to me to you: 



1. Don't sleep with someone before 60 days. 

This may work for some people but it definitely didn't work me. I read Steve Harvey's 'Think like a man, act like a lady' and his rule can be applied to both men and women. He says that we should wait 90 days before having sex with the person that we are dating. I think everyone's time frame may be different; however, we all know that when you sleep with a prospective , it may cloud your judgement at a very critical time: the formative stage. I recommend keeping things simple and sex-free in the beginning of every relationship to find out if you really like someone. 

 

2. Don't make up excuses for someone that you are dating. 

 

There is a clear difference between an excuse and an explanation. If the person that you are dating's behaviour doesn't align with what you think is acceptable, give yourself permission to ask yourself what might happen down the road if that behaviour continues. For example, someone not replying to your texts or not calling when they say they will could be a symptom of a deeper problem and, as a result, probably might happen again. Don't excuse it in the beginning, hoping that they will see the light and change. See the person for who they are not who you want them to be. 

 

3. I don't need to convince someone to be with me. 

I recently made date arrangements with someone who I saw as a potential romantic partner; however, he flaked on our first date twice . I have learnt from my past that, if the other person is not willing to meet me halfway, I will find someone who will. Instead of me allowing him to potentially flake on  me again when I am emotionally and physically invested, I empowered myself by blocking and deleting his number as soon as he flaked the second time.Simply onto the next, nothing personal.

 

4. Love yourself first.

In the dating world, we become afraid to have preferences because I think that we fear not being loved. If you love yourself first, you don't need to fear not getting it back from someone you barely even really know or who isn't treating you with the respect that you deserve. One of my mentors, Iyanla Vanzant says, 'You alone are enough'. If you love yourself, you are able to depend on yourself more than you would someone else and don't really need to depend on others. It may sound isolating but it is very empowering to understand that you are enough for yourself and for someone else and you don't need to desperately cling onto people and relationships that aren't healthy for you to fill a void that you can fill for yourself.