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When I was 21, 10 years ago, I had expected my life to be different. I was a bartender at a restaurant in Soho, NYC, and I thought that I had met the love of my life. At that time he was. And, so is anyone that I choose to spend my time, energy and life with.
Little did I know that I would go on to almost get married again and be in a few long term relationships. I am grateful for every single things that I have learnt along the way because it has led me to who I am today. Yes, it also took work! But, I needed the experiences to be able to apply what I had learnt so that I could grow.
I have previously been fully open about how I thought that I would be married and have kids by now. A life that I still sometimes mourn but I know that I am exactly where I am meant to be because I don’t see myself in a life-long partnership with anyone from past.
As I date, I am learning a lot and it is an amazing experience to do in my 30s. Now that I have more confidence, boundaries and clarity. Here is what I am learning about dating in my 30s:
1. I don’t owe anyone anything.
Contrary to how a lot of us are raised, we think that we are owed something. This creates a sense of dependency. When I was younger, I felt like if someone paid for a date, bought me something or told me that they were committed to me that I had to stick around. I have learnt that this is not the case. Potential and reality are two different things. If someone wants a future with you, they need to work at it. Whatever that means for you and that person.
I am now so comfortable with the notion that unless someone puts forward the necessary action to sustain a relationship, I would rather leave because nothing but them will make them do so- no matter how ‘great’ or ‘convincing’ I might be.
2. No more fitting into what someone else wants me to be.
I spent a lot of my 20s pretending to be who someone else wanted me to be. Whether it was for a job, a family member or a romantic partner. Those days are no longer. I know who I am and I am enough. I am exactly who I am meant to be. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t do work on myself but it means that I can be grateful for where I have been and for who I am because I have a lot to be proud of.
I don’t need to be someone else to be liked or loved. I am worthy of love exactly as I am.
3. Respect is essential.
I have always believed that love wasn’t enough but it wasn’t until I dealt with men and situations that proved it to me. I don’t walk around jaded by the past but my previous experiences have allowed me to grow. I am grateful for all of them and for all the people who came into my life.
I used to date a guy who was a Chef and wouldn’t reply to my text messages for a few days or ever, would look at other women while we were on dates and, was wishy-washy about our future. I saw his potential and was afraid to look at his behaviour to realize that it wasn’t for me. Because these little signs lead to a bigger one, it differs person-to-person but (in this case) he wasn’t ready to commit to someone else at that time. Which was later revealed to me.
So now, I no longer look at potential but who is in front of me. Just because someone isn’t ready to commit to me, doesn’t make them bad or deceiving. It just means that they are not for me and I am not for them. There is no need for resentment or anger.
