What I would tell my 18 year-old self

photo by Alcy Sivyer

I remember graduating from high school almost as though it was only a few years ago, not a decade ago. When I was 18, I felt very lost.

I had no idea what I was doing in life, my career because I hated school and, secretly, had little hope that I would survive in the ‘real world’. Which, gave me anxiety because the worst thing in the world is not being able to survive.

Clearly I did survive! Being a young adult has been challenging but great. But, I wish I had been told the following things:

1. Believe in yourself.

I know that it is difficult to believe in yourself but if you don’t, who else will? People trust and hire confident people. Give yourself a leap forward in life by supporting and believing in yourself, it makes life easier.

2. Set boundaries of respect for yourself.

Right now, I see that people in your life treat you however they want to and you don’t know how to tell people to treat you with respect. First, start with respecting yourself and you will notice that most people will follow suit. Also, don’t be afraid to communicate to someone if you feel they have disrespected you. I truly believe that most people are unaware of how they behave and, in Maya Angelou’s words, ‘When people know better, they do better’.

3. Forgive!

Forgiveness is so important. Hali, there is no point in holding onto what that girl, Claire said to you, she will forget and you will be stuck holding onto negativity and stress within your body. That’s the biggest problem with unforgiveness, most of time, the person who has done wrong has no idea and we hold onto anger for something that can just be let go of. Your life belongs to you, not those who have done you wrong or hurt you.

4. You don’t have to prove that you are lovable, you just are.

You are about to go through three long-term relationships where your biggest lesson is to learn that you are lovable- you don’t need to convince others that you are. As a woman, you have been told that you are only worth being loved at a certain weight, with a certain hair colour and if you can be a good ‘wife’. But, Hali, all of that is a lie. You were made from love, The Universe’s love, and therefore, you are an expression of it. No matter what you look like, you are already worthy of love.

5. There is enough to go around.

Contrary to what you have been told, there is enough to go around. There is enough money, enough men, enough water, enough food and enough anything to let go of the need to compete with your fellow humans to get what you need, particularly fellow females. When you see another woman doing well, let it inspire you. Use her well-doing to motivate you. If she is able to achieve, so are you. Live life to life others up, not push them down.

Or, maybe learning them was part of my experience. So, I am grateful for the process that lead me to learn from them.

6 reason why I forgive myself.

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There’s truly nothing worse than regret. The truth is that when we don’t do our best or feel like we could’ve done better, we feel regret, even guilt or shame.

These negative feelings lead us no where but down a hole of anxiety and depression. We deserve better than that.

For this reason, am a firm-believer in self-forgiveness. Here are 6 other reasons why:

1. I am constantly learning and growing.

Growth is a process which will involve making mistakes. Yes, we all fall but what’s powerful is getting back up. I forgive myself because I am constantly learning and growing.

2. I am not perfect.

We are expected to do and be a lot. Nowadays, you say or do one wrong thing and people come after you via twitter or social media. We are not meant to be perfect and there is a beauty in that. If we all walked around as perfect robotic beings, life would be boring. I forgive myself for not being perfect.

3. I am in control of my happiness.

Yes, I could spend hours, days and months dwelling on my mistakes but where would that get me? Repeating negative thoughts will only bring me down. I forgive myself because I am in control of my happiness.

4. Now that I know better, I can do better.

These words are from Maya Angelou. Sometimes the only way to become a better person is through trial and error. I recently went through a situation with a man where I was beating myself up for allowing him to treat me the way that he did. A reminder of this quote came into my head and I felt calm. It took me not knowing better to find out and understand what better is. I forgive myself because now that I know better, I can do better.

5. I am stronger than what I went through.

I am stronger than my mistakes because I am still here. If I have gotten through them, then it is time to let them go. Sometimes being stronger than a situation speaks more volumes than how you got into it to begin. I forgive myself because I am stronger than what I went through.

6. I don’t always have to be right.

In the words of Joss Stone, ‘I’ve got a right to be wrong, my mistakes will make me strong.’ As a human being, I am allowed my mistakes. I’m not saying that they will happen often, however, I can let go of the notion that I need to be perfect and never do any wrong. I forgive myself because I don’t always have to be right.

4 types of people that you need to distance yourself from.

If you asked me a few years ago if I knew how to set boundaries for myself, I would  have replied, ‘Boundaries? What boundaries?’

Truthfully, I wasn’t the greatest at setting boundaries but now I find them necessary. What is also necessary is distancing yourself from toxic people.

This article is inspired by a meme that I saw on Instagram that quotes Dwayne Johnson on the type of people that we should distance ourselves from:

1. People who lie to you.

Like we were told when we were young kids, ‘A liar is a thief and a thief is a liar’. This may sound a bit exaggerated, however, you can’t trust people who lie to you. To avoid conflict and issues in your life, distance yourself from people who lie to you because you won’t be able to trust them. And, what good is a relationship that doesn’t have trust?

2. People who disrespect you.

Like my mother always used to tell me, ‘Every doormat says welcome’. That saying has stayed with me everyday of my life. When we allow people to disrespect us, we are responsible too. To protect yourself from disrespectful behaviour, distance yourself from disrespectful people because only you can stand up for yourself.

3. People who use you.

We all have people in our lives who like to push our buttons, harass us for money or feel entitled to our time. Well, it’s time for you to distance yourself from them. It is not always your problem when people find themselves in a bind. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t help but don’t become someone’s crutch, you deserve better than that.

4. People who put you down.

Unfortunately insecure, mean and unfriendly people exist. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be friends with them. You deserve to be surrounded by people who support, appreciate and acknowledge you; not people who put you down. If you hang around people who call you names, disrespect you or treat you badly, you will soon do the same to yourself.

Why setting boundaries is so important

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I don't remember when it started but I do remember being in my early twenties and letting people talk to me and treat me however they wanted too, particularly men.

I was so afraid of being labelled mean, cold or the B-word. As years passed, I realized that it's up to me to protect myself against disrespect or unfair behaviour regardless of what people thought of me.

This is what I have learnt:

1. Most people don't realize how they are treating you.

Living in New York, I would take it so personally when people would bump into me, ignore me or try to take advantage of of me. It took me a few years to understand that people have acquired their behavioural patterns over sometime. And, how people treat me is not personal.

2. You show people how to treat you.

I am a firm-believer in respect starting with the self. If you are going around telling yourself that you are not worthy, ugly or fat, don't be surprised when other people say the same about you. When you speak words of positivity, joy and love about yourself, you encourage others to do the same. Same goes with how you treat yourself with nutrition and exercise. When you take care of yourself, you open the door to be taken care of by others.

3. Every doormat says welcome.

My mother would tell me this growing up and I never really understood it until I was an adult. I was in a toxic relationship with someone who cared very little about me and my wellbeing. I knew this about him and I still let him into my life, over and over again. Every time that I did, I complied with his disrespectful behaviour towards me. This is not true for everything, obviously; however, it is true for a lot of situations.

4. Be Kind.

Contrary to what we often think, we don't always have to set our boundaries with a grunt or nasty face. We can set boundaries by being kind and respectful. As I mentioned before, a lot of people are not aware of how they treat us. So, the first time that you set boundaries, don't act like you have already done it before. Generally people are more respectful when you treat them with respect.