When I began this (now) successful blog and magazine, I had no idea how well it would be received. Three years ago, after I went through something traumatic in my life, I decided to do the real work and as I did the work, I would document it and tell others how I had healed or was still healing from something that I had gone through in my life.
I made a decision to be as authentic as possible and it has been difficult to be this vulnerable but very necessary. I believe that we need to be honest with one another to move forward in our lives. Whether that honesty shows up with a smile, a bitter rant or an apology. Not saying that we should be mean but being honest won’t always be pretty and nice.
I would be lying to you if I told you that I have always been surrounded by supportive females and people who genuinely wanted the best for me. It would be an even bigger lie if I told you that I haven’t fallen into the trap of female toxicity where (as a collective) women have been raised to compete with one another, be mean to each other and gossip about each other in front or behind our backs.
Even though I have hurtful memories of many females doing this to me, I have also had my fair share of being unkind and mean to others. And, for that, I apologize. It is only until recently that I fully understood what it means to be a productive and healthy female representative in The World.
Here are 3 things that I have learnt about female toxicity:
1. We have to change it.
When I think of the word toxic, I often think of ingesting something into my body that is poisonous- forgetting about my mind and actions. Female toxicity may not be ingested but it is a culture we have developed where we put each other down and are too afraid to see another women shine. Examples of this are all around: Reality shows, family dynamics even school&work dynamics also.
Like with anything else, it won’t change unless we do the work. I can tell you from experience that being a healthy and supportive woman is way better than being one who is manipulative, cunning and insecure. I have been one of those and have done (and am still doing) the work of finding out what it really means to be happy and healthy- it didn’t come from looking at others, being mean to others and judging others. It came from me looking at myself and admitting that I was not happy with how I behaved and contributed to The World.
2. It’s toxic for a reason.
The term masculine toxicity has been thrown around a lot lately and, I believe, it to be overused. Although we are comfortable speaking about how men can be mean, intimidating and abuse their power, as women we are afraid to look at how we can also be the same way.
The meanest things that have ever been done to me have been done so by a woman. I am not saying that all women are mean; however, we have developed a culture of bonding in negativity. I have had deep secrets told in High School, been called fat and, friends (until recently) constantly berate me for me being who I am.
You might ask why I was so comfortable accepting this kind of behaviour? The plain and simple answer (if I had to only choose one) is that, as a whole, we do not have role models of women being kind to each other. I accepted that I might never have friends who were kind and loving. In the past few years, I have proven that to be untrue and will never accept mean and catty behaviour in my life moving forward. But, it has taught me that unless we change something, it can be so toxic that it embeds a culture at all levels in society.
3. We will never be at our best if we are tearing one another down.
In the past year, I made a decision to only have people in my life who support me and are kind to me. Yes, we will have our arguments but I would rather hear things said to me than find them out about me. As I have set clear boundaries for the kind of people that I want in my life, I have heard my supportive and loving friends tell me stories of how they trusted another female who backstabbed them and did something unmentionable to them too.
The irony is that we are in the post- ‘me too’ era where we constantly speak about how men have stopped us from reaching our full potential. But, what about the females? Yes, some men have been mean and unkind to me but the amount of women who have portrayed similar actions probably doubles that. We need to look at how we are bonding with one another and ask ourselves if we should congregate over gossip and negativity, or out of love and support.
Calling out our male counterparts is important, yes! But, true healing starts with us. We will never elevate the energetic female consciousness until we acknowledge how we have hurt other females and what actions we need to take moving forward to not do so in the future.
*This is dedicated to any female who has gossiped about me, berated me and tried to tear me down. I know that you did it from a place of insecurity. As I have done with others.
