6 raisons pour lesquelles l'amour est un mythe dans le monde occidental.

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Si vous vivez dans un pays occidental, il est clair que les bases d'une relation de santé font défaut. Au cours des dernières décennies, il semble que l’idée d’une relation saine devienne une erreur, c’est la raison pour laquelle nous sommes si nombreux à la rechercher. Mais plus nous le cherchons, plus il semble difficile de le trouver pour ces 6 raisons:




1. Nous sommes égoïstes.

C’est seulement au cours des six dernières années que j’ai compris ce que cela signifiait, car j’avais moi aussi (et ai toujours) des habitudes égoïstes. Nous vivons dans une société de consommation qui répond à nos besoins. Nous passons beaucoup de temps à prendre et à obtenir; nous passons à peine du temps à rendre. Nous attendons que l'autre personne donne d'abord avant de donner. Nous avons besoin de preuves que nous aurons retrouvé l'amour avant de pouvoir le donner. C'est égoïste. Et, le véritable amour est désintéressé. Au lieu de prendre et d'obtenir de l'amour. Donnez-le d'abord et voyez où cela vous mènera, vous ne le récupérerez peut-être pas, mais au moins vous saurez que vous avez fait votre part et que vous êtes ouvert à aimer vraiment.



2. Nous sommes obsédés par les matériaux et l'apparence.

On nous a dit que si vous êtes peu attrayant, si vous n’avez pas beaucoup d’argent ou si vous ne suivez pas les dernières tendances, vous êtes indigne de l’amour. C'est un mensonge parce que nous sommes tous dignes d'amour. Nous sommes dignes d'amour parce que nous sommes issus de l'amour, de la vibration et de la nature. Une relation est basée sur l'amour mais n'est rien sans amour et respect; les matériaux et les regards ne sont pas dans cette équation. Lorsque des difficultés surviennent dans votre relation, l'amour et le respect vous mèneront à travers les difficultés, pas les matériaux et l'apparence.




3. Nous cherchons l'amour en dehors de nous-mêmes.

Si vous pensez à un film romantique, le personnage principal rencontre soudainement l'amour de quelqu'un d'autre et le monde change. Soudain, la personne qui cherchait l'amour le trouva et tout leur monde se présenta mieux. Vous pourriez argumenter que sans l'autre personne, ils n'auraient peut-être pas rencontré l'amour. Mettre beaucoup de pression sur l'autre personne pour qu'elle réponde à cet aspect de ses besoins. Et nous portons cette mentalité dans le monde des rencontres - avec de grands espoirs et des rêves que nous allons trouver «le bon». Et si je vous disais que c'est vous? Me croirais-tu? Comprendriez-vous que la personne qui vous regarde dans le miroir est (et a toujours été) celle-là. Plus vous vous aimez, prenez soin de vous et êtes là pour vous-même, plus vous pourrez aimer, prendre soin de vous et être là pour les autres. Parce que vous avez développé votre propre véritable compréhension de l'amour. Une fois que vous êtes là pour vous-même, vous évacuez la pression de l'autre personne pour qu'elle soit constamment à vos côtés. Deux personnes nécessiteuses dans une relation égale un drame; deux personnes en bonne santé et épanouies dans une relation égale le fondement d’une relation saine et prospère.


4. Quand on a fini avec quelque chose, on l'oublie.

Une autre extension de cette société de consommation est que lorsque nous achetons quelque chose, nous l’utilisons jusqu’à ce que ce soit fait et ensuite nous le jetons. C'est ainsi que nous traitons les gens aussi. Je me suis trouvé coupable de cela parce que cela est profondément enraciné dans notre conditionnement. Quand nous rencontrons quelqu'un, il est la meilleure personne en vie et nous voulons le voir tous les jours jusqu'à ce que nous passions à quelqu'un d'autre. Le problème avec cette mentalité est que les gens ne sont pas remplaçables. Et, parfois, nous passons à quelqu'un d'autre parce que nous en avons marre de la première personne seulement pour découvrir que nous étions les seuls à avoir des problèmes, ce que nous aurions pu résoudre en restant avec la première personne, en grandissant ensemble, en travaillant sur nous-mêmes et faire un effort pour être un bon partenaire.




5. Nous blâmons les autres pour nos problèmes.

Nous vivons des moments difficiles, qui ne doivent pas nécessairement être une mauvaise chose. Cela signifie simplement que nous avons tous du travail à faire. Suivre la tendance à blâmer quelqu'un d'autre pour vos problèmes crée non seulement une mentalité de victime, mais vous rend difficile d'être avec vous. Et, lorsque vous êtes difficile, vous ne souhaitez pas vous isoler. Un autre problème avec le fait de blâmer les autres pour ce que vous vivez dans votre vie est que cela développe une mentalité selon laquelle vous n'êtes pas responsable de votre vie. Et devine quoi? Une relation saine nécessite deux personnes qui assument la responsabilité de leurs propres actions et de leur bien-être. Qui veut être coincé avec quelqu'un qui continue à vous blâmer quand vous vous disputez? Une dispute prend deux personnes à discuter et une relation saine prend deux personnes à réfléchir et à avancer avec amour et compassion les uns envers les autres.




6. Nous avons du mal à être seuls.

Jusqu'à l'âge de 23 ans, j'avais toujours été en couple depuis mon adolescence. J'ai décidé de rompre avec quelqu'un que je voyais sur le moment parce que j'ai remarqué que j'avais beaucoup de guérison à faire. Une grande partie de la guérison que je devais faire concernait les hommes, en général, car je me suis retrouvé à vaincre toutes mes frustrations, ma douleur et ma colère que chaque homme m'avait fait subir à la personne avec qui j'étais. Je nuisais à notre relation parce que j'étais pleine de rage et de pardon. J'ai appris que J'avais besoin d'être seul pour pouvoir guérir afin d'être un meilleur partenaire pour la prochaine personne avec qui j'étais. Oui, mon ancien partenaire méritait que je sois fâché contre lui parfois mais (à cause de mes problèmes) je l'ai amené à un autre niveau. Être seul m'a aidé à réaliser que je ne pouvais pas masquer mes émotions derrière le comportement de quelqu'un d'autre. Si jamais je veux une relation saine, je dois y entrer comme la version la plus saine de moi-même.

The 4 Things That a Good Woman wants from Her Man.

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Romantically, I had a dark year last year. I went from finding out that my ‘so-called’ soulmate was someone who I would prefer to stay away from for now,to developing feelings for a man who I found out was married.


After the latter happened, I swore that I was done with love. I came home from a night of drinking and decided to ‘delete love’. The next day, I had an awful feeling in my body. That feeling was me denying the very essence of why I get up in the morning, love!


I love love. It’s my favourite thing in The World. I love the feeling that it gives us, I love that we become more connected with it and I love the fact that when you have fallen in love with someone, you can’t eat, sleep or do anything without person popping into your head.


So, I started to think... Maybe I love love too much? Or, maybe I love love enough? Regardless of how I feel about love, it is clear that some of the men that I have loved were clueless about the fundamentals of respect and being in a relationship. Which, hurt us. It takes two people in a relationship and I definitely played a part in the problems of our relationships; however, I do think that men (in general) need to know what a good woman wants from her man so that she doesn’t find herself repeating herself or bored of dealing with a man and his patterns.


So, here are 4 things that a good woman wants from her man:


1. Presence.

I often tell this story of how I had an ex whose eyes would always land on another woman when I was talking to him. I know that he is human and has eyes who has the free-will to look at whomever he wishes; however, when someone is speaking and you don’t listen to them and engage them, you are basically telling them that you wish they were not there. The energy of being heard, understood and looked at are very different to the energy of having a conversation with someone who is not there. The same goes for being in someone’s life. No matter how much money you make or the future that you’ve planned with someone. If she doesn’t know that you like/love her, there is no point in planning a future with this person because she might not be around once all your plans have been carefully constructed. A good woman would prefer your presence over money and future plans anyway because the road you are headed down starts today.


2. Respect.

Have you ever heard about the story of the lady who was taken out on a date by a man and on the date, the man leered at other women, was on his phone the entire time, flirted with the waitress, told her that he was going on a date with someone else tomorrow, made her pay for dinner and then he professed his love to her and asked to see her again soon? I did a total exaggeration of this story; however, each of these incidents has happened to me on separate occasions. And, I always wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. So, I would give them another chance. Only to find out that their ‘professed love’ was not enough.


You can send flowers, post on IG, write songs or have messages delivered to a woman; however, if your actions do not back this up with genuine respect, your actions are wasted. A good woman asks to be respected and if she isn’t respected, she would rather be alone than be disrespected because she understands that companionship is based on genuine respect and understanding.


3. Vulnerability.

At this moment in my life, I am so turned off by how a lot of men approach women. There is this general attitude that the woman should be kind, open, vulnerable and understanding but the man shouldn’t be. The man should be a man and not show his vulnerable side because ‘if he is a man, he has armor’. How do we expect relationships to last if one person goes in ready for battle? After one of my exes ghosted me for two weeks, he appeared again only to tell me that we hadn’t ‘professed our undying love for each other’ and that I needed to chill. This armor that society expects males to put on hurts their partners because when one person is vulnerable, they ought to be cared for; not abandoned or hurt.


A good woman wants a man who is able to be open and receptive because she knows that it is a quality needed in order for a healthy relationship to thrive.


4. Your honest word.

We can all make promises but not all of us can keep those promises. But behind every broken promise is someone hurt by the lack of that promise not being followed through with. Women don’t want The Moon, The Sky, The Heavens and the Milky Way, we just want honesty and kept promises. We understand that you are human and that you will mess up; but continuously messing up is another story. We understand that you might not always be able to; but never being able to is a red flag. I had an ex-boyfriend admit to me that he lied about receiving a text from his ex because he was afraid that I would break up with him. This made me more angry than if I had known that she was texting him because good women want to be on the same page as their men and, if anything comes in-between that, they feel blindsided and feel as though communication & trust is out the window. Trust your woman enough to know that she can handle the truth. You don’t have to lie to her to keep her and, if you do, maybe she isn’t the one that you are meant to be with. A relationship is built on honesty because the truth always comes out and when it does, get ready to defend your lie and/or watch her walk away from you.

The 6 Reasons Why Love Has Become A Myth In The West.

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If you live in a Western country, it is clear to see that something about the foundation of a health relationship is missing. Over the past few decades, it seems like the idea of having a healthy relationship is becoming a fallacy, that’s why so many of us keeping searching for it. But, the more that we search for it, the harder it seems to find because of these 6 reasons:


1. We are selfish.

Only in the past 6 years have I come to understand what this means because I, too, had (and still have) selfish habits. We live in a consumerist society which is catered to our needs. We spend a lot of time taking and getting; we hardly spend time giving back. We wait for the other person to give first before we give. We need proof that we will get love back before we can give it. This is is selfish. And, true love is selfless. Instead of taking and getting love. Give it first and see where it leads you to, you might not get it back but at least you know that you did your part and that you are open to truly loving.


2. We are obsessed with materials and looks.

We’ve been sold a lie that if you are unattractive, don’t have a lot of money or don’t keep up with the latest trends, then you are unworthy of love. This is a lie because we are all worthy of love. We are worthy of love because we came from love, vibrationally and from nature. A relationship is based on love but is nothing without love and respect; materials and looks are not in that equation. When difficulty arises in your relationship, love and respect will bring you through hardship, not materials and looks.


3. We look outside of ourselves for love.

If you think of a romantic movie, the main character(s) suddenly encounter love from someone else and the world changes. Suddenly, the person who was looking for love found it and their whole world looks better. You could argue that without the other person, they might not have encountered love. Putting a lot of pressure on the other person to fulfill this aspect of their needs. And, we carry this mentality into the dating world- with high hopes and dreams that we will find ‘the one’. What if I told you that you are the one? Would you believe me? Would you come to understand that the person that looks back at you in the mirror is (and always has been) the one. The more that you love yourself, take care of yourself and are there for yourself, you are able to love, care and be there for others. Because you have developed your own true understanding of love. Once you are there for yourself, you take pressure off of the other person to constantly be there for you. Two needy people in a relationship equals drama; two healthy and fulfilled people in a relationship equals the foundation of a health and thriving relationship.

4. When we are done with something, we forget about it.

Another extension of this consumerist society is that when we buy something, we use it up until it’s done and then we throw it out. This is how we treat people, too. I have found myself guilty of this because it’s deeply rooted in our conditioning. When we meet someone, they are the best person alive and we want to see them everyday until we move on to someone else. The problem with this mentality is that people are not replaceable. And, sometimes we move on to someone else because we are fed up with the first person only to find out that we were the ones with the problems, which we could’ve resolved by staying with the first person, growing together, working on ourselves and making an effort to be a good partner.


5. We blame other people for our problems.

We are living in some challenging times, which doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It just means that all of us have work to do. Following the trend of blaming someone else for your problems not only creates a victim mentality but it makes you difficult to be around. And, when you are difficult to be around, you unwilling isolate yourself. Another problem with blaming other people for where you at in your life is that it develops a mentality that you are not responsible for your life. And guess what? A healthy relationship requires two people in it who take responsibility for their own actions and wellbeing. Who wants to be stuck with someone who continues to blame you when you get into an argument? An argument takes two people to argue and a healthy relationship takes two people to reflect and move forward with love and compassion towards each other.


6. We have difficulty being alone.

Until I was 23, I had always been in a relationship since I was a teenager. I decided to break things off with someone I had been seeing at the moment because I noticed that I had a lot of healing to do. A lot of the healing that I had to make was towards men, in general, because I found myself taking out all of my frustrations, hurt and anger that every man had done to me on the person that I was with. I was hurting our relationship because I was filled with rage and unforgiveness. I learnt that I needed to be alone in order to heal so that I could be a better partner for the next person that I was with. Yes, my former partner deserved me to be upset with him sometimes but (because of my issues) I took it to another level. Being alone helped me realize that I can’t mask my emotions behind someone else’s behaviour. If I ever want a healthy relationship, I have to come into it as the healthiest version of myself.

4 things that I wish I’d known before I had a miscarriage.

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Two years ago, I experienced the biggest heartbreak that I had ever gone through. In a week, I went from planning to move to another state with my (then) boyfriend & being pregnant to being single and having lost my baby.
When it first happened, I was afraid to mourn because I was afraid that I would cry for days-on-end and that my life would come to an end. Two weeks later, I shared a bottle of wine with a friend and I realized that I had some healing to do. Although the healing process wasn’t easy, I made an effort every single day to come out stronger than before.

And, thank God that I did because I learnt so much. This experience had to happen, if I could re-do, this is what I wish I had known about having a miscarriage:

1. Some people will doubt you.

One of the most hurtful things you can ask someone who has gone through a miscarriage is if they were pregnant to begin with. A few people asked me this question and it messes with your mind, especially because of your hormonal imbalance. I wondered how people can be wreckless with their mouths and not truly understand what it feels like to be full of love and, then the next moment, be empty of love. The point is that they don’t understand and, they don’t have to. As long as you know the truth, someone else’s opinion does not matter.


2. You might get blamed.

I’m not sure why society is so cruel to women? But this is a reality that we, as women, have to face. When I told a former friend what had happened, she said that it was my fault and that I needed to look at who I was surrounding myself with. I made a decision to release toxic things and people out of my life and she was one of them. It seems so ludicrous to me that a woman going through so much pain is at fault when something is done to her. This is extended out to harassment, assault and different gender biases in the world. The best thing that you can do is surround yourself by supportive people who genuinely care and are not keeping you around to make themselves feel righteous about their existence and experiences. We are all human and we fall. Surround yourself with people who will help you get up, not people who will keep you down.

3. You will be okay.

I have never expressed to anyone the amount of pain that I felt finding out that I was pregnant and being left by my partner to have to deal with it myself. Some of the people that I told a hint of what I was going through, had so much to say about what I should do- particularly men. Which is very interesting to me. I made a decision not to tell others because I knew in my heart that God had a plan for me. I knew that having the miscarriage was what was best for me at that moment and that my baby’s soul had touched my life and my heart for a reason.

4. Everything happens for a reason.

I am a firm-believer that everything is exactly the way that it is meant to be. Easy to say when things are going your way; however, not easy to say when the life that you thought that you wanted has been taken away from you. Truthfully, my boyfriend (at the time) suffered from a mental illness and was verbally abusive towards me. I didn’t tell anyone how manipulative, cruel and vengeful he was because I didn’t want people to judge him for his struggles. Looking back, I can’t imagine having put a baby through being treated the way that I was. I am grateful for this lesson because, even though it was difficult to learn: when the time comes to have a baby it will be with someone that I know is mentally, physically and spiritually capable of being responsible for another human being. I made a promise to God that until that day comes, I will focus on being the best version of myself and if I don’t have a child, that is okay. Like The Course in Miracles says, ‘Nothing real can be threatened.’

Why do I want to forgive him? Part 3

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Why do i want to forgive him?

Because I don't want to spend anymore time on this.

I want to forgive him because I ,too, played a part in being hurt. I had put him on a pedestal. One that he had not proved himself enough prior to be on.

I want to forgive him because even though I miss him from time to time, it would be unrealistic for me to expect anything from someone who has proven that he is more than capable of disappointing me.

I want to forgive him because wishing him unwell hinders me and my future. I want to forgive him because my future does not involve hating something that is in the past.

I want to forgive him because a part of me is ashamed at how I allowed myself to be treated, the other part is determined not to be treated that way again. Those parts have met today for me to look forward. I look forward with clarity because all the haze has been cleared by forgiveness.

Les 3 raisons pour lesquelles j'ai choisi de pardonner à mon ex de m'avoir quitté pour son ex-épouse

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Je n'avais jamais pensé pouvoir ressentir une telle douleur émotionnelle avant de découvrir que mon ex m'avait quitté pour son ex-épouse. Vous voyez, lui et moi étions en train d'arranger les choses après une pause et bien que je sois incertain de beaucoup de choses, j'étais certain de l'aimer et de n'avoir jamais aimé personne de la même façon.


J'ai découvert la nouvelle avant mon déménagement à Los Angeles. Et, après l'avoir reçu, je lui ai envoyé le message qu'il était une mauvaise personne et que je n'avais jamais cru au mal avant de l'avoir rencontré. Ces mots, j'ai vraiment cru. J'étais envahi par la victimisation, la contrariété, la trahison, la négativité et la méfiance. Je ne pouvais plus le supporter. La haine est vraiment un fardeau à porter.



J’ai commencé mon premier mois à Los Angeles, heureux d’être loin de lui et de son «énergie toxique». À mes yeux, il était toxique parce que je lui avais tant donné pendant de nombreuses années et que je n'avais jamais semblé lui suffire.


Deux semaines après mon arrivée à LA, j’ai suivi un cours SoulCycle à Santa Monica et l’instructeur a joué la chanson de James MacArthur, Impossible. J'ai senti des larmes rouler sur mon visage. Les larmes sont venues quand j'ai réalisé que ce que tout le monde m'avait dit se produirait, s'était passé. Je me sentais comme si mon coeur était vaincu. Auparavant, j’avais été si plein d’amour sincère et je n’avais pas eu le sentiment d’être réciproque. Je voulais courir et me cacher de moi-même et du monde. Je me suis demandé comment je pouvais être si bête de lui faire confiance et à l’idée de nous quand toutes les chances étaient contre nous.




Nous risquons fort probablement de divorcer lorsque nous avons commencé à sortir ensemble et de rester ensemble pour toujours, sans nous souvenir de qui il était et d'où il venait.



Cela m'a pris quelques mois; Cependant, aujourd'hui, je suis reconnaissant d'être plein de pardon envers lui. C'est pourquoi j'ai choisi de lui pardonner:




1. Parfois, on aime et on se fait mal.

Nous avons cette idée que, juste parce que nous aimons quelque chose, nous devons retrouver l'amour exactement comme et quand nous le voulons. Mais ce n'est pas le cas. J'appelle cela, l'amour du Tit-pour-Tat. Avec ce genre d’amour, nous essayons de manipuler les gens pour qu’ils se comportent comme nous le voulons et, s’ils ne le font pas, nous les laissons ou nous leur mettons en colère. J'ai accepté (et j'accepte toujours) que l'amour que je lui ai donné n'a pas été mesuré, pourrait ne pas me revenir et ce n'est pas grave. L'amour inconditionnel, c'est s'ouvrir à l'idée que, peu importe ce qui se présente à nous, nous choisissons l'amour parce que la haine est lourde. Je lui pardonne parce que l'amour que je choisis de donner n'est pas seulement pour lui.




2. La croissance se produit lorsque nous tombons, nous levons, apprenons et allons de l'avant.


Quand j'ai découvert qu'il était revenu avec son ex, je me suis senti comme le plus gros idiot du monde. Quand nous avons commencé à sortir ensemble, j'ai perdu de nombreux amis qui refusaient de me regarder sortir avec cet homme marié et âgé et après tout, je me sentais comme s'ils avaient raison. S'ils savaient, pourquoi ai-je refusé de voir la vérité? La réponse est que nous devons parfois tomber pour apprendre, car une fois que nous tombons, nous pouvons nous relever nous-mêmes, apprendre et progresser. Je lui pardonne parce que j'ai appris que je suis plus fort que je ne le pensais. Si je pouvais surmonter ce sentiment de vide et de solitude, je me prouverais que je pouvais traverser beaucoup de choses.




3. Pour l'amour, je referais tout ça.

Après avoir publié le dernier article, un ami m'a demandé si je revivrais cette expérience. J'ai dit oui! Je le referais encore parce que nous partagions beaucoup d'amour et de souvenirs ensemble. Tout cela, je ne le regrette pas. À partir du moment où je l'ai vu me voir la première fois que nous nous sommes rencontrés, le moment où il a perçu mon attitude de "faire semblant de ne pas vous connaître" et les moments où nous avons ri ensemble Cela en valait la peine. Je lui pardonne parce qu'il avait un but dans ma vie et je lui en suis reconnaissant.

The 3 reasons why I have chosen to forgive my Ex for leaving me for his estranged wife.

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I never thought that I could feel such emotional pain until I found out that my ex had left me for his estranged wife. You see, he and I were in the process of working things out after being on a break and although I was uncertain of many things, I was certain that I loved him and had never loved anyone the way that I loved him.

I found out the news before I moved to Los Angeles. And, after I received it, I sent him a message that he is a bad person and that I never believed in evil until I met him. These words, I truly believed. I was filled up with victimization, upset, betrayal, negativity and mistrust. I couldn’t take it anymore. Hate is truly a burden to bear.


I began my first month in Los Angeles happy to be away from him and his ‘toxic energy’. In my eyes, he was toxic because I gave him so much for many years and I never seemed to be enough for him.

Two weeks after I had moved to LA, I  took a SoulCycle class in Santa Monica and the instructor played James MacArthur’s song, Impossible. I felt tears rolling down my face. The tears came as I realized that what everyone had told me would happen, had happened. I felt like my heart was defeated. I had previously been so full of genuine love and didn’t feel it reciprocated. I wanted to run and hide from myself and the world. I asked myself how I could’ve been so dumb to trust him and the idea of us when all of the odds were against us.


The odds being that we would make through his going through a divorce when we began dating and be together forever without remembering who and where he had come from.


It has taken me a few months; however, today I am grateful to be full of forgiveness towards him. This is why I have chosen to forgive him:


1. Sometimes we love and we get hurt.

We have this idea that just because we love something, we have to get the love back exactly how and when we want it to. But, that is not the case. I call this, Tit-for-Tat Love. With this kind of love, we try to manipulate people to behave the way that we want them to and, if they don’t, we leave them or are angry at them. I accepted (and am still accepting) that the love I gave him was not measured, might not come back to me from and that is okay. Unconditional love is being open to the idea that no matter what is thrown our way, we choose love because hate is heavy. I forgive him because the love that I choose to give out is not only for him.


2. Growth happens when we fall, get up, learn and move forward.

When I found out that he had gotten back together with his Ex, I felt like the biggest idiot in The World. When we had started dating, I lost many friends who refused to watch me date this older and married man and after everything, I felt like they were right. If they knew, why did I refuse to see the truth? The answer is that sometimes we have to fall to learn because once we fall, we can pick ourselves up, learn and move forward. I forgive him because I learnt that I am stronger than I thought. If I could get through this feeling of emptiness and loneliness, I proved to myself that I could get through a lot.


3. For love, I would do it all again.

After I published the last article, a friend asked me if I would live this experience again. I said yes! I would do it over again because we shared a lot of love and memories together. All of which, I don’t regret. From the moment that I saw him see me the first time we met, the moment that he saw through my ‘pretend like I don’t know you’ attitude, and the moments that we laughed together. It was all worth it. I forgive him because he had a purpose in my life and I am grateful.

Izinto ezinhlanu engifisa sengathi ngabe ngazi ngaphambi kokuba ngitshele indoda eyahlukana

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Eminyakeni engaba ngu-7 eyedlule, ngithandana nendoda, iminyaka engu-13 engineminyaka eyishumi nambili ubudala, owayehamba ngesehlukaniso. Namuhla, ngemva kokumthukuthelela kanye nesimo emva kokuqeda izinto, ekugcineni nginamahhala futhi nginokuthethelelwa.



Ngangineminyaka engu-21 lapho sihlangana kuqala ngakho ngangingazi ukuthi ngizongena kanjani. Angikholelwa ekuzisola. Kodwa-ke, uma ngikwazi ukukwenza futhi, yilokho engifisa sengathi ngazi ngaphambili:




1. Uyakhathalela!

Esinye sezizathu ezenza ngichithe isikhathi esiningi ngithukuthele, ngemuva kokuthi siphule, ngoba ngifisa sengathi wangishiya ngedwa lapho ngimphika ekuqaleni. Intuition yami yazi kusukela ekuqaleni ukuthi yayiyizindaba ezimbi. Ngakho-ke, angiqiniseki ukuthi kungani nginikela. Nginombono wokuthi kwakungenxa yokuthi lapho ngisemncane, ukuzethemba kwami  kwakungeyona into engcono kakhulu futhi nakuba ngiyazi ukuthi ngifaneleka kangcono, angizange ngifanele. Angizange ngikhulume ukuthi amazwi ami asemqoka, umzimba wami udaba, ingqondo yami iyindaba ... ekugcineni, nginendaba. Uma wazi ukuthi unendaba kule Leli, ikuvumela ukuba ugcine ibanga kubantu kanye nezinto ezenza uzizwe ungakhathazeki.




2. Qaphela ukuthi uvumela bani empilweni yakho.

Ngesikhathi ngisemncane, ngangingeke ngikhethe abantu engibavumelayo ekuphileni kwami  njengami manje. Mina nomngane wami sasihlabelela ngalunye usuku futhi wathi nginjengomgodla-uSargent ngemizwelo yami. Yikuphi, ngiphendule, ngithi, 'Uma ngingekho, ubani ozoba khona?' Kulula ukusho ukuthi, 'Themba wonke umuntu' futhi 'Vula wena wonke umuntu'; Kodwa-ke, uma othile ekubonisa ukuthi ngeke bakuhloniphe noma imingcele yakho uma bekhona empilweni yakho, kulungile ukuvuma ukuthi akufanelekile ukuba khona empilweni yakho ukuqala.


3. Kuhle ukuthi cha.

Ngangivame ukuzizwa kabi ngoba ngithi cha. Ngakho-ke, ngingavumela noma ubani empilweni yami futhi uma behamba, ngangibuza ukuthi ngabavumela kanjani. Impendulo ukuthi angizange ngibeke imingcele ecacile lapho ngingafanelekile ukwenza okuthile. Njengowesifazane ohlala eMelika, kunzima ukuthi cha. Ngoba uma usho ukuthi cha kumuntu onentshisekelo mayelana nenhlonipho eyinhloko, uyazi ukuthi kuyoba khona omunye owesifazane ngemuva kwakho (emgqeni) elinde ukuthi yebo futhi avumelane nalokho ongakufuni. Ngiye ngafunda ukuthi ngiyajabula ngokuthi cha cha kubantu kanye nezinto ezingahambi kahle kimi uma zihamba kumunye umuntu noma cha. Okungenani ubuqotho bami nokuziqhenya kuyohlala buqinile.



4. Akudingeki ube mncane ukuba ube nobuhlobo.

Lesi sifundo esiqhubeka siveza ebuhlotsheni bami, nginomkhuba wokwenza ngincane ukuze indoda enginayo ingazizwa ilungele. Inombolo 1 isizathu sokuthi angingashadile okwamanje ngukuthi angikaze ngibone indoda engingakaze ngiyidumise phansi noma ngiyenze ngokwanele. Ukuphila kwami  konke omdala-ukuphola kuye kwangenza ngifanele ukulingana komuntu enganginakho, yingakho ngivame ukwenza kangcono uma ngedwa. Ubuhlobo buhlanganisa abalingani ababili abafuna ukuphumelelana ukuze kube nenjongo ephakeme ebuhlotsheni. Uma umuntu oyedwa enomuzwa wokuthi omncane, kuveza ukungavikeleki, umhawu nomdlalo-konke okungeyona isisekelo sobuhlobo obuhle.




5. Ukuzinza akufanele kukukhokhele inhliziyo yakho.

Esinye seziqhwa zokuba nalesi ndoda kwakungokuthi wangithatha ngokwezimali. Ngangizizwa ngizinzile. Kodwa, ngokushesha ngafunda ukuthi imali yakhe ayikwazanga ukulungisa noma ukulungisa okudingekayo ukulungiswa noma okwakungekho. Wayengeke aphele isikhathi ngezikhathi futhi aphinde avele nento njengokuxolisa. Yikuphi, ngawela ekuqaleni ngoba (kumabhayisikobho) wonke owesifazane ufuna into enhle ukugqoka noma ukuthatha indawo ethile idumile. Iqiniso liwukuthi izinto ziphela, imizwelo iyasebenza futhi inhlonipho igolide. Ayikho imali emhlabeni ongakuthola phansi uma uthola ukuthi isoka lakho libuyele kanye nomkakhe. Asikho isipho emhlabeni ongashintsha ukuzihlonipha. Futhi, ayikho isidlo sokudla okunamnandi noma iwayini elingakusiza ukuba ulale kangcono ebusuku uma intuition yakho ikutshela ukuthi kukhona okuthile okungaziwa ngakho. Akuyona into engokwemvelo ukufaka indawo yezinto ezibonakalayo zothando nokuhlonipha indawo yenyama. Yenza imali yakho, zikhiphe futhi uziphathe ngothando nangenhlonipho. Uma usuqala ukwenza lokho, kanjalo nabanye bayokuzungezile ngoba ubakhombise ukuthi ungakwazi ukuzinakekela kakade nokuthi konke okudingayo kukhona, uthando nokuhlonipha.

 

5 things I wish I’d known before I dated a man going through a divorce

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Image from Unsplash 

 

Almost 7 years ago, I fell in love with a man, 13 years my senior, who was going through a divorce. Today, after being angry at him and the situation after we ended things, I am finally free of attachment and full of forgiveness.


I was 21 when we first met so I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I don’t believe in regrets. However, if I could do it again, this is what I wish I had known beforehand:


1. You matter!

One of the reasons why I spent so much time angry at him, after we broke up, is because I wish he had left me alone when I initially denied him in the beginning. My intuition knew from the very beginning that he was bad news. So, I’m not sure why I gave in. I have a theory that it was because when I was younger, my self-esteem wasn’t the best and although I knew that I deserved better, I didn’t know my worth. I didn’t know that my words matter, my body matters, my mind matters... ultimately, I matter. When you know that you matter in This World, it allows you to keep a distance from people and things that make you feel like you don’t matter.


2. Be careful who you let into your life.

When I was younger, I was not as selective with people that I allow into my life as I am now. My friend and I were joking around the other day and she said that I am like a drill-Sargent with my emotions. Which, I replied to, ‘If I am not, who will be?’It’s easy to say, ‘Trust everyone’ and ‘Open yourself up to everyone’; however, if someone shows you that they will not respect you or your boundaries once they are in your life, it’s okay to accept that they don’t deserve to be in your life to begin with.


3.  It’s okay to say no.

I used to feel so badly for saying no. So, I would let anyone into my life and once they were gone, I would question how I allowed them in. The answer is that I hadn’t set clear boundaries of when I was not okay with doing something. As a woman living in America, it’s tough to say no. Because when you say no to an interested man about fundamental respect, you know that there will  another woman behind you (in line) waiting to say yes and agree to whatever you won’t. I have learnt that I am happy to say no to people and things that are unhealthy for me whether they move onto someone else or don’t. At least my integrity and self-worth will stay intact.


4. You don’t have to be small to be in a relationship.

This is a lesson that keeps showing up in my relationships, I have a habit of making myself small so that the man that I am with can feel worthy. The number 1 reason that I am single right now is because I have yet to meet a man that I have not had to dumb myself down for or make myself small for. My entire adult-dating life has been making myself fit the smallness of the person who I was with, that’s why I usually do better when I am alone. Companionship consists of two equals who want each other to succeed so that there is a higher purpose for a relationship. When one person feels small, it is breeding ground for insecurity, jealousy and drama- all of which are not the foundation of a healthy relationship.


5. Stability should not cost you your heart.

One of the lures of being with this man was that he financially took care of me. I felt stable. But, I quickly learnt that his money couldn’t mend or replace what needed fixing or what wasn’t there. He would disappear from time-to-time and reappear with something as an apology. Which, I fell for in the beginning because (in the movies) every woman wants something nice to wear or to be taken somewhere fancy. The truth is that materials fade, emotions are valid and respect is golden. No amount of money in the world can pick you up off the floor when you find out that your boyfriend has gotten back together with his wife. No gift in the world can replace self-respect. And, no fancy dinner or wine can help you sleep better at night when your intuition is telling you that there is something going on that you don’t know about. It is unnatural to replace the physical world for the fundamentals of love and respect. Make your own money, take yourself out and treat yourself with love and respect. Once you start to do that, so will others around you because you have shown them that you can take care of yourself already and that all you need is presence, love and respect.

What I wish I’d known after I ended my first long-term relationship

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Image courtesy of Unsplash 

 

At this moment, I'm comfortable enough to be single and appreciate time by myself. I've had a few long-term relationships that left me feeling disappointed and underappreciated, which ultimately ended with my wanting to be by myself. Through those experiences, I learnt to love myself by looking at who I truly am with all my imperfections. It didn't come easily, but it came, and for that I'm grateful.

The lessons I've learnt from my love life thus far will pave way for the magnificent love that's on the way. Love that's based on respect, that isn't ego-driven, that allows me to be exactly who I am.

Here are five things that I wish someone had told me when I ended my first long-term relationship:

 

1. You don't need anyone to love you for you to love yourself.

Loving yourself comes from you, not from someone else. The people you attract when you don't love yourself most likely won't love the real you — because you don't love the real you. When you don't love yourself, you hide what’s on the inside. Relationships formed while you're hiding your true self will be based on a lie. Real love is based on the truth.

 

2. People love you because they want to love you.

You can't force someone to love you the way you wish to be loved. You're worth love that comes naturally, not love that's tarnished by force. People are allowed to choose how and if they'll love you, and it has nothing to do with you. When you force someone to love you, you're subconsciously telling yourself that you don't deserve to be loved. One day someone will come along who won't have to be reminded to call you back, who will want to buy you flowers, and who will always find a way for you to be in his or her life.

 

3. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want from a relationship.

If your partner doesn't want the same from it as you, you can and will find someone who does. Getting what you want from a relationship isn't asking for a lot. Asking someone to take the time to respond to you, to be there for you or to be loved by someone isn't asking for too much. All of us deserve to be treated with respect.

 

4. If something feels like a drag, it's probably bringing you down.

Happiness lifts you up, it doesn't bring you down. If you feel constantly down in your relationship, it's not a good sign. There will be difficult times, but there ought to be good times too. If you feel alone in a relationship, you probably are alone. The label of a boyfriend, fiancée or husband doesn't mean that you're being treated with the love and respect that you deserve. When people are in a healthy relationship, they are joyful. Not all the time but most of the time. 

 

5. You're human, not a hero!

You don't have to save someone from their past heartaches. Your partner's pain isn't because of you. We all get hurt, and it's a part of the journey of life. Someone who takes out his or her past on you is clearly holding on to baggage. This type of person may not be capable of sincerely loving. It has nothing to do with you; it's merely because they don't want to let go of his past. The person who's ready to love you has used his or her baggage from past relationships and transformed it into wisdom. This person wants to love you.