Izinto ezingu-4 engisanda kuzifunda ngokuvalwa.

Isithombe ngu- Unsplash   

Isithombe ngu- Unsplash

 

 

Ngisanda kunqamula ukuphumula kusuka kumuntu othandekayo kimi. Le ndoda nami sazi ukuthi ngineminyaka engama-25. Ngakho-ke, wangingazi ingxenye yeshumi lamashumi amabili. Lapho sihlangana, sobabili sasisebenza endaweni yokudlela eNew York. Ngangiyinsiva futhi wayenguThe Chef.


Ngisho noma sasingabangane iminyaka eminingi, sobabili sazi ukuthi sizogcina sibe ngaphezu kwalokho. Ngakho, lapho sithuthuka ngokwengeziwe, kwazizwa sengathi kwakunjalo njalo.


Iminyaka yethu yendaba yaphela lapho ngiqaphela ukuthi ubuhlobo abuzange buqondiswe endleleni engangizizwa ngayo ihlelekile kithi kokubili. Futhi, ngazizwa ngicindezelekile ukuthi ngidinga ukunikeza omunye umuntu (owayekade egijima) ithuba.


Ngakho-ke, ngenza enye yezinto ezinzima kunazo zonke engake ngadinga ukuzenza- Ngiqeda ubudlelwane nomngane othandekayo nomthandekayo. Ubani owaba umuntu ofanayo.


Lokhu okuhlangenwe nakho kuye kwangifundisa okuningi; Nokho, ingifundise kakhulu ngokuvalwa.


Nazi izinto ezingu-4 engizifundile mayelana nokuvalwa:


1. Ngeke njalo uhambe ngendlela ofuna ngayo.


Kumele ngivume, kuleso simo, kulula kimi ukuba ngihambe kulokhu ngoba ngiye 'ngithuthela kwesinye'. Ekufuneni kwami  ukuqhubekela phambili, ngangimphoqa ukuba enze okufanayo. Ngazithola ngimshaya ngezimyalezo ukuze sihambe nathi kanye nethemba lokuthi kungenzeka yini. Ekugcineni kwavela ukuthi abantu babhekana nokulahleka ngokuhlukile. Ukumphoqa ukuba abhekane nayo futhi ngizokwenza ukuthi siqhubekele kokubili. Ngezinye izikhathi kungcono ukuvumela izinto zibe ngaphezu kokuphoqelela isimo sokuthula uma othile esathukuthele mayelana nomphumela.




2. Ukuphela akudingeki ukuba ujabule ngaso sonke isikhathi.


Njengomuntu omuhle, ngifisa ukuba phakathi kwabantu abacabanga kanjalo nalokhu. Ngezinye izikhathi ukulangazelela kwami  kungaba namandla futhi kungalungile. Nginamandla kakhulu ekubhekaneni nezimo ezidlulayo ezidlule engingazibona ngokucacile kuzoholela ekubhujisweni. Ngakho-ke, lapho abanye bengenzi, kuyangiphazamisa. Ngizibuza, kungani bengaboni ukuthi lokhu kungcono kakhulu? Yilokho, yilokho engangikukwenza nalesi simo. Nganginaki imizwelo yakhe futhi ngidinga ukulila ngoba ngangibona ukuthi ubuhlobo bubekwe ngokucacile. Ngangingaphezu kweso simo engangikuphoqa ukuba abe okufanayo. Yikuphi, kutholakala njengokungacabangi nokuthukuthela lapho, konke engangikufuna kwakungcono kakhulu kokubili kithi. Ngiye ngafunda ukuthi ukuphela akudingeki ukuba ujabule ngaso sonke isikhathi. Ngesinye isikhathi abantu bayokuthukuthela futhi bahlale bethukuthele kuwe, kodwa umbono wabo nemizwa ayikwazi ukuthola indlela yokuqhubekela phambili.


3. Ukuvalwa kukhona into ozinikeza yona.

 

Akuyona imfihlo ukuthi ngifakwe 'ubuhlobo-wringer'. Futhi, akekho owake wangena efuna ukuba umngane nami noma abe nokuthula ngathi ngokuqhubeka nokuphila kwethu. Kuze kube lo mfana osanda kuvele. Uyabona, phakathi neminyaka eminingi yobungane nokuqonda, ngangihlale ngicabanga ukuthi uma isikhathi sifikile yena nami ngizohlukanisa ukuthi kuyoba nokuthula nokuthula-noma nini lapho kufika leso sikhathi. Ngacabanga lokhu ngoba ungomunye wabantu abathandekayo, abaqotho kakhulu nabathandekayo engake ngahlangana nabo. Ukwethuka nokukhathazeka kwami, ukusabela kwakhe kithi akusekho ndawonye akuzange kube nokuthula futhi lokho kwakungikhathaza. Ngaqhubeka ngizibuza, kungani enganginike ukuthula ngalokhu ukuze ngiqhubeke? Futhi, ngelinye ilanga, impendulo yayiyi- 'ngoba akayena onamandla okukunika ukuthula. Ungu'.


Nginguye! Nginguye ongakwazi ukuzinikela futhi ngithuthuke kulokhu, kungakhathaliseki ukuthi omunye umuntu ufuna, noma cha.




4. Ukuvalwa kuyisinqumo.


Emzamweni wami wokubhebhethekisa izinto futhi ngingabhalwa inja yowesifazane ngabangane bethu bobudlelwane iminyaka eminingi yendaba yethu emuva nangaphandle, ngibhala ukuthi ngangicabanga kakhulu ngaye-engikwenza njalo njalo. Ngaqala ukubhala ngezimfanelo zakhe ezinhle futhi ngabuza ukuthi ngabe ngenza isinqumo esifanele: ukushiya umuntu othembekile, onomusa futhi onomusa kimi. Yiqiniso, impendulo inguyebo. Ngenxa yokuthi ngangazi ukuthi ngithatha isinqumo njengoba ngizokwazi ngaso sonke isikhathi, abanye abantu ababili bangabahlukana kakhulu kodwa hhayi okuhle ndawonye-engikukholelwa ukuthi yilokho lapha. Nganquma ngaleso sikhathi ukuba ngikhethe ukuvalwa. Naphezu kokungaphenduli kwakhe, ngakhetha ukuqhubeka. Naphezu kokuthi ungibonisa ohlangothini oluhlukile ukuthi ungubani, ngiyazi inhliziyo yakhe. Unomusa, unothando futhi usekela. Sinikeza okuningi kakhulu komunye nomunye futhi konke engingakusho ukuthi 'Ngiyabonga'. Lokho ukuvalwa kwami.

The 4 Things That I have recently learnt about closure from a relationship.

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Image from Unsplash

 

I recently went through a break-up from someone who was dear to me. This man and I had known each other since I was 25. So, he knew me for half of my twenties. When we met, we both worked at a restaurant in New York. I was a server and he was The Chef.


Even though we were friends for many years, both of us knew that we would end up being more than that. So, when we developed into more, it felt like it was always meant to be.


Our years of a story came to an end when I realized that the relationship was not headed in the direction that I felt was fair to both us. And, I felt deep down that I needed to give another man (who had been lingering around) a chance.


So, I did one of the most difficult things that I have ever had to- I cut ties with a dear friend and lover. Who happened to be the same person.


This experience has taught me a lot; however, it has taught me the most about closure.


Here are 4 things that I have learnt about closure:

1. It won’t always go the way that you want it to.


I must admit, in this situation, it is easy for me to walk away from this because I have already ‘moved on to another’. On my quest to move on, I was forcing him to do the same. I found myself bombarding him with messages to let go of us and the prospect of what might’ve been. It finally dawned on me that people deal with loss differently. Forcing him to deal with it as well as I have will drive both of us crazy. Sometimes it is better to let things be than force a peaceful situation when someone is still upset about the outcome.


2. Endings don’t always have to be happy.


As a positive person, I yearn to be around people that think like this as well. Sometimes my yearn can become force and inappropriately positive. I am great at dealing with moving past situations that I can clearly see will result in destruction. So, when others don’t, it frustrates me. I ask myself, why can’t they see that this is for the best? Which, is exactly what I was doing with this situation. I was ignoring his emotions and need to mourn because I could see that the relationship was clearly over. I was so over the situation that I was forcing him to be the same. Which, comes across as insensitive and rude when, all that I wanted was the best for both of us. I have learnt that endings don’t always have to be happy. Sometimes people will be mad at you and stay mad at you, but their opinion and feelings can’t get in the way of moving forward.

3. Closure is something that you give to yourself.


It’s no secret that I have been put through the ‘relationship-wringer’. And, none of my exes want to be friends with me or be at peace about us moving on with our lives. Until this recent guy. You see, through our many years of friendship and understanding each other, I always thought that if the time came for him and I to separate that it would be peaceful and serene- whenever that time came. I thought this because he is one of kindest, most sincere and considerate people that I have ever met. To my shock and dismay, his response to us no longer being together has not been peaceful and that was bothering me. I kept asking myself, why can’t he give me peace about this so that I can move on? And, one day, the answer was ‘because he is not the one who has the power to give you peace. You are’.

I am! I am the one who can give myself closure and progress from this, whether the other person wants to, or not.


4. Closure is a choice.


In my attempt to smooth things over and not be labelled a female dog by our mutual friends for the many years of our back&forth story, I wrote him that I thought so highly of him- which I do and always will. I started writing about his great qualities and questioned if I was making the right decision: to leave someone who was so loyal, kind and considerate to me. Of course, the answer is yes. Because I knew when I made the decision as I will always know, some two people can be great apart but not great together- which I believe to be the case here. I decided at that moment to choose closure. Despite his lack of response to me, I chose to move on. Despite the fact that he is showing me a different side of who he is, I know his heart. He is kind, loving and supportive. We gave so much to each other and all that I can say is ‘Thank you’. That is my closure.

Dear God, please reveal his truth.

Image from Unsplash

Image from Unsplash

Dear God,


I pray for peace over my twin flame situation.

I know that you will come through for me like you have always done. I am your vessel. If you believe that he is the best man for me then, I accept it. But, if not, please guide me to the reason why you have sent me all these sign?


Right now, God, I am not at peace about this twin flame situation. I am not sure that this is the right direction for me. I have always been sure of one thing that, the man that I spend the rest of this lifetime with should only be interested in me, romantically, and he will give me back what I give him.


The man that you have revealed to me as my twin flame seems interested in many women and, sometimes, I am not sure that I am the only. I’m not sure if he is capable of giving and loving in the capacity that I expect from a partner.


You know of my history with men who I used to be with, men who have cheated, men who have made other women feel special in front of me and, men who have pretended to be there for me but were unable to give pure love and respect.


I don’t want to hold onto baggage but I don’t want to relive the past hurt either. God, please help me find my lesson.

I am done with men who think that the physical is the most important thing about life. It is important, yes, but so is conversation and generally wellbeing.


God, I pray that you give me clarity of whether I am making the right choice by deciding to be with him. If not, I will let him go. Two peaceful people apart serve a bigger  purpose than two destructive people together.

I still have unanswered questions about this: If he is so interested, where is he? If he is so into me, why isn’t he beside me? God, please reveal his truth. 


If my twin flame is going to play on my insecurities to ‘win’ me over then, I am better alone. Because I choose peace and love. Peace and love, whether I am alone or with someone else.


I know that all that you have promised comes to pass but I need your help to clarify your vision for me and this man. Right now, things seem too blurry for me to understand and I need to understand if this path with this man is healthy and safe, or not.


If it is not, please grant me the strength to walk away and leave the dream of having him in my life behind because no other person or thing deserves my peace, no matter how much they are willing to do for me.

 

Amen. 

5 Things That I am learning on my soulmate/ twin flame journey.

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If you had asked me two years ago what a twin flame was, I would’ve shrugged my shoulders and quickly forgotten what the question was right after.


However, today, my understanding of it is very clear because I have been on this twin flame/soulmate journey (from what I can recall) for almost a decade.


*Twin flame is another person living of which you share the same vibration. Someone who is an extension of you but in an another form. It is not always romantic and some people refer to it as a soulmate connection.


Nine years ago, I was working as a bartender at a restaurant in SOHO, New York. One day, The Chef of the restaurant (where I worked) came up to and asked to read my palm. As he began to read my palm, he told me many things that were accurate at the time. Then, he began to tell me that I would come across my soulmate soon. He said that my soulmate is famous and that he would show up at my job and some other things too.
He then told me that my soulmate would send me a gift and I would be in awe. He said that once we were in a relationship, we would be very happy.


Truth be told, I had many many doubts about the story of my soulmate. So, I forgot about it. When he had told me the story, I was a 21 year old who had almost married someone who was very toxic for me and my life. Hence, me being apprehensive about the story or being with anyone who could make me happy.


Many years went by and random psychics would come up to me and tell me the same story. That I would marry someone famous in the music industry who is my soul mate/ twin flame. I had even gone to a tarot card reader about my career in 2014 and he mentioned that my soul mate and I would cross paths many times until one day, he would show up at my job.


I felt like I was running away from this story and it kept following me. Over the years, I would have dreams about a music producer whom I admired .I would dream that he was calling me. I never thought that the call was from my twin flame/ soulmate. I felt a deep connection to him and I wasn’t sure why. I felt like I had to know him and I had never felt like this about anyone, not even people that I had really loved. The feelings were never romantic but i had a deep need to be next to him. Although I had this deep feeling sometimes, I avoided doing any research about his personal life because I didn’t want to taint how I felt about him.


Fast forward a few years to 2018, I am 29 years old and living in Los Angeles working at a yoga studio as front desk one night. And, a random lady walks in to tell me that I am about to get married. I was shocked out of my mind because marriage was the last thing on my list and deep down, the whole idea of marriage scared me. She mentioned that he was in love with my country of origin, South Africa, he was in the music industry and that he was a kind person. Randomly, the name of the producer whom I admired  and felt a deep connection to, came to my head. I thought, could it be him?


I asked her how I would know that it was him and she said, ‘God will send you signs’. Truthfully, I don’t believe many people but I believed her with all of my heart because she seemed sincere and honest.


Two months later, my roommate (who didn’t know anything about the situation) came up to me and said that he had to read my tarot cards. I was in a rush and asked him if I could do it another day. He was forceful about it and so I gave in, I told him that he could. He told me that my soulmate would come into my life soon. That we had crossed paths many times but would meet very soon. He said that he would come to my yoga class in the next week. My intuition shouted the same music producer’s name into my head but I shrugged it off. I thought, of all the people that it could be, why him?


The following Wednesday, the music producer who I had admired showed up to take my yoga class. While I was teaching the class, I realized many things: that we had crossed paths many times in the yoga studio, that my intuition about being close to him was true and that he was my soulmate.


Today, we are still on the journey of separation, meaning that we are not together. Which will end at some point. Hopefully in this lifetime.


Throughout this journey, this is what I have learnt about the soulmate/ twin flame journey.


1. You cannot run away from it.

Since I found out who he truly was, persona-wise, I spent a lot of time running away from him and what came with him: the party lifestyle. I started telling some of my friends the story of how I was being told that I am meant to be with him and they told me that he was going to use me in a sexual way. They had seen his social media and seen women being portrayed in a sexual light. As a defense mechanism, I began to run away from him. He would talk to me or make eye contact with me and I would avoid him at all costs. Sometimes looking at the ceiling when he tried to speak to me. Only up until a week ago, did I realize that I have been the one running away from him, before I thought he was running away from me. Which was clear projection on my part. He has sent me signs and wrote a song that he is ready for this but I was too busy holding his past against him to see beyond judgement and fear. Out of fear, I ran into another relationship only to realize that fear is the opposite of growth. Fear stifles love. So, I am choosing now to love him, completely.


2. Forgiveness is key.

A year ago, I was ready to take the leap with him until I would see images of women dancing on his Instagram page that made me feel uneasy. To add icing to the cake, I had heard that he got into a public argument on Twitter with another DJ/Producer and the person he was arguing with said that he had a long negative history with women. After reading this, internally, I exploded with judgement and anger. I was saddened and disappointed that he, the twin flame/ soulmate, could be so irresponsible with his responsibility as a public figure. I also became jealous that he was spending time with other women and not me. I asked myself, what was he waiting for to be with me? I held onto this anger, resentment and jealousy for months and months. So much so that, I would go onto his Instagram page, and judge him for being a womanizer and pray that I never ended up with him. I was angry and hurt by judgement and fear that I had created in my own head. It was eating me up. After being tortured for so long, I decided to release the anger because it was only bringing me down and doing the opposite of what I want to achieve in This World: to create peace and love. It has been a process, one that I am still on but the overall outcome feels better on my mind and my body.


3. Love is not cautious.

While I was running away from this man, I found myself in a relationship with someone else. Not only was I in the relationship but I was forcing to be with someone that I wasn’t mean to be with. I knew that it wasn’t meant to be because there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about the producer- even when I was in my new man’s arms. You see, twin flame connection makes you feel what the other person feels, emotionally and spiritually.  I could feel that my twin flame knew that I was in a relationship and he was sad about it. I’m not sure how he found out but I could feel his pain in my heart when I thought about him and it made me sad. Last week, I had the biggest epiphany that I had been playing safe with my twin flame when, love is not safe. Love is great! But, love can be painful, hurtful, upsetting, heartbreaking, disappointing and emotional. But, love is powerful and love always wins. Loving with caution is not true love. So, I broke up with the new guy and have decided to be with my twin flame- whenever that day is.


4. The Universe has a plan.

After my twin flame took my yoga class, I received a lot of signs from The Universe. One of them is that when I was watching an interview with him, he said that he had a tattoo of his favourite animal on a specific part of his body. Kid you not, my mouth fell on the floor as my phone fell out of my hand. I was in such shock because I have a tattoo of my favourite animal on the same part of my body. My mind was blown at how this could’ve happened. Within the next week, everywhere that I went, I would hear his music. I would meet people who had met him or know him and would mention his name in passing until one day, I saw a billboard of his face outside of Trader Joe’sand almost fell on the floor. Even though I received all these signs, it took me some time to realize that it was out of my control. I have always been able to control men, situations and the path of my destiny. So, it was daunting to admit that I couldn’t this time. Only recently have I released complete control over this because I know that The Universe has a plan bigger than I can imagine and I am grateful to be in caring and supportive hands.


5. This kind of relationship is meant for spiritual growth.

In this life, I have suffered a lot of emotional pain from unavailable men. 3 years ago, I was in a steady relationship with someone who I thought that I was going to marry, I became pregnant and had a miscarriage. Following the miscarriage, I ended the relationship because my boyfriend (at the time) was not there for me, emotionally or spiritually. Since then, I have had my guard up in the biggest way. I developed this mentality that I would need to protect myself because I felt like I had been to blame for my miscarriage and the sucky position that I had been in. So, I promised to ignore men that I thought would cause me harm. When I met my twin flame, I felt like he was kind and loving towards me but I became tainted by what I had heard about him and seen on his Instagram. I began to ignore him to protect myself, forgetting that The Universe has my back. Sure, we go through experiences for a reason and we shouldn’t learn the same thing more than once. However, I have learnt that if The Universe has sent me so many signs that this relationship is meant to be, I am only fighting what is in my cards. Today, here I am. With an open mind and an open heart. Deeply curious of what might come if we were together. I have let go of the need to be safe, strong and secure because a lot of life is releasing and admitting that safety is a figment of imagination. I am open to the unknown and open to what this story is. I trust the signs and believe in my twin flame/soulmate connection.

4 raisons pour lesquelles je ne serai pas fâché contre ma récente rupture.

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Cest drôle de voir comment nous pensons être en relation avec celui-là jusqu’à ce que tout à coup nous ne le soyons plus. Je suis coupable de croire que la relation dans laquelle je suis est «la seule» parce que je suis romantique et que je crois que l’amour a une chance.


J'ai récemment mis fin à une relation amoureuse et même si c'était difficile à faire, je pense que c'était mieux. Quand j'étais plus jeune, je mettrais fin aux relations et me distancerais des gens s'ils m'avaient blessé. Ce qui, maintenant, n'est pas toujours le cas.


Parfois, deux personnes peuvent être merveilleuses mais avoir le mauvais timing ou des projets différents pour l’avenir. En vieillissant, je me rends compte que l'amour n'est pas suffisant pour faire durer une relation malgré les difficultés. Donc, maintenant, quand je traverse une rupture, je ne suis plus en colère contre elle.


Voici 4 raisons pour lesquelles je ne serai pas fâché de ma récente rupture:


1. C'est un bon gars.


Si je pouvais choisir un partenaire idéal, ce serait lui. Il est gentil, aimant, mature, compatissant et plein de sagesse. Je sais dans mon cœur qu’il rendra quelqu'un heureux, mais que ce ne sera pas forcément moi. L’expérience de la vie m’a appris que le fait que quelqu'un soit formidable ne signifie pas qu’il est formidable pour vous.


C’est un concept difficile à saisir parce que nous voulons conserver des choses qui nous sont bénéfiques et nous entourer de bonnes personnes. Cependant, deux bonnes personnes indépendantes ne correspondent pas toujours à un bon couple.



2. La colère peut être égarée.


Au cours de notre rupture, je me suis égaré perdre ma colère. Je commençais à être fâché de la façon dont d'autres hommes m'avaient traitée et j'ai commencé à me l'envoyer. Mon passé n’est pas son problème et, s’il n’a rien fait pour que je sois fâché contre lui, il ne mérite pas ma colère.



3. Nous avons de bons souvenirs.


Je pourrais passer mes journées à regarder le passé et à compter ce qu’il a mal fait, mais cela ne serait injuste pour aucun d’entre nous car nous avons tous ensemble de très bons souvenirs. Je choisis de me souvenir des bons souvenirs parce que nous en avons beaucoup plus que des souvenirs blessants. Les bons souvenirs me rappellent pourquoi j'ai choisi d'entrer dans la relation et je choisirai d'en entrer une autre à l'avenir.




4.Je referais tout si je pouvais


Même si c'est fini, je referais tout. Je m'ouvrirais de nouveau à lui, je parlerais au téléphone tous les jours, je lui tiendrais la main, je ris de nouveau avec lui, je le tenais de nouveau et lui envoyais de nouveau des notes d'amour. Parce qu'avec l'amour, il y a toujours une chance que ça finisse. Le fait que cela se termine ne signifie pas que nous cessons d’aimer et que nous devenions amers, mais que nous donnons à tous notre conscience du fait que nous sommes reconnaissants d’avoir quelque chose que tous ne possèdent pas.

4 Reasons why I will not be angry about my recent beak-up.

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It’s funny how we think we’re in a relationship with the one until, all of a sudden, we aren’t. I am guilty of believing that the relationship I am in is ‘the one’ because I am a romantic and I believe in love having a chance.


I recently ended a romantic relationship and although it was difficult to do, I feel that it was best. When I was younger, I would end relationships and distance myself from people if they had hurt me. Which, now, is not always the case.


Sometimes, two people can be wonderful but have the wrong timing or different plans for the future. As I grow older, I realize that love is not enough to make a relationship sustain through difficulty. So, now when I go through a break-up, I am no longer angry about it.


Here are 4 reasons why I won’t be angry about my recent break-up:


1. He is a great guy.


If I could pick a perfect partner, it would be him. He is kind, loving, mature, compassionate and full of wisdom. I know in my heart that he will make someone happy but that someone doesn’t have to be me. Life experience has taught me that just because someone is great, doesn’t mean that that someone is great for you.

It’s a difficult concept to grasp because we want to hold onto things that benefit us and surround ourselves with good people. However, two good people that are independent do not always equal a good couple.



2. Anger can be misplaced.


During our break-up, I noticed myself misplacing my anger. I started to feel angry about how other men had treated me and started placing it on me. My past is not his issue and, if he has not done anything for me to be angry at him for, then he does not deserve my anger.



3. We have great memories.


I could spend my days looking at the past and counting what he did wrong but that wouldn’t be fair to either of us because we have so many great memories together. I am choosing to remember the great memories because we have many more great memories than hurtful ones. The great memories remind me of why I chose to enter the relationship and I will choose to enter another in the future.



4. I would do it all again if I could.


Even though it has ended, I would do it all again. I would open myself up to him again, talk on the phone everyday, hold his hand again, laugh with him again, hold him again and send him love notes again. Because with love, there is always a chance that it will end. Just because it will end, doesn’t mean that we stop loving and become bitter, it means that we give our all knowing how grateful we are to have something that not everyone has.

Izinto ezingaphezulu ezingu-6 ngifisa sengathi ngingayazi ngaphambi kobudlelwano bami bokuqala.

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Isiko laseNtshonalanga liye labonisa umqondo wokubambisana. Kusukela lapho siyizingane, sikhuliswa ukuba sikholwe ukuthi impilo futhi asanele kuze kube yilapho sithola omunye umuntu.




Ngakho-ke, iningi lethu lithemba ukuthola umuntu ukuthi afane nemibono yethu yalokho lo mlingani. Ukuba nomlingani kuhle; Nokho, lesi siko sothando asikhulumi ngezinto eziningi ezibalulekile. Okuwukuthi okudingeka uvikeleke ngaphakathi kwakho ukuba ube nobuhlobo obuhle kuqala.




Nazi ezinye izinto eziyisithupha engifisa ukuthi ngizozifunda ngaphambi kobudlelwano bami bokuqala.




1. Impilo iza kuqala.

Ngichitha iminyaka eminingi ngicabanga ukuthi othandweni lobuhlobo luza kuqala. Yebo, uthando lubalulekile; Nokho, injabulo kuqala. Ngeshwa, ungamthanda umuntu owenza ungathokozi futhi uthande umuntu ongathokozi. Ubudlelwano bungaphezu kokuthandana: ukuhambisana, ukwethenjwa, ukwethembeka, inhlonipho nenjabulo nakho kubalulekile ebuhlotsheni. Abantu ababili abangajabuli ebuhlotsheni kuyinhlekelele futhi bayamelana ne-Universe; Kodwa-ke, abantu ababili abajabulayo basiza ukubuyisela nokuphakamisa amandla weThe Universe.



2. Gcwalisa wena.

Enye inganekwane yokuthi sithengiswa ebuhlotsheni yilelo, omunye umuntu angakuqedela. Iqiniso ukuthi nguwe kuphela ongaziqedela wena. Ngaphandle kokuthi ukholelwe ukuthi unelisekile, othile angakunxusa futhi ngeke uliqonde. Ukuze senze okuthile, sidinga ukuyiqonda ngokugcwele futhi okufanayo kuya kulokhu. Gcwalisa wena kuqala ngaphambi kokuzama ukuqedela omunye umuntu futhi ulindele ukuthi omunye umuntu akuqede.




3. Yenza okungaphezu kokushumayela kwakho.

Kwangithatha ubuhlobo obuncane ukuqonda ukuthi indlela oziphatha ngayo ebuhlotsheni kubaluleke kakhulu kunalokho okushoyo ukuthi uzoziphatha. Nginecala lokutshela lowo owayengumlingani wami ukuthi ngizobonisa futhi cha. Ebudlelwaneni bami bamanje, ngiye ngaphawula ukuthi uma ngibonisa futhi ngivulekile, kunjalo naye. Ngendlela efanayo. Izwi elithi, 'khombisa ngesibonelo' liphinde lisebenze ebuhlotsheni ngoba ubudlelwane buyisibonelo salokho okubekayo, ubuyela emuva.




4. Amageyimu afanele izingane; hhayi abantu abadala.

Ngichithe isikhathi esiningi ngidlala imidlalo ebuhlotsheni: ngizama ukuxhaphaza izimo ngokungafuni. Kuzo zonke izidakamizwa engake ngadala ngokudlala imidlalo, ngafunda ukuthi nginguye kuphela ohluphekayo. Uma ngingamanga futhi ngiphatha kabi, ngingahle ngiphile ngokuzisola uma izinto zingasebenzi. Futhi emidlalweni, isikhathi esiningi, ubuhlobo abusebenzi ngoba omunye uzama ukulawula omunye. Ngokuvamile azisebenzi ngenxa yokuthi inhlonipho yomunye umuntu iphuma efasiteleni. Ngezinye izikhathi lapho umlingani wami engaphenduli emilayezo yami, ingxenye yami iyangena futhi ithi, 'singamthola kanjani ukuba aphendule?' Kodwa-ke, ngikhulula isidingo sokumlawula ngoba lokho esinakho kubaluleke kakhulu kimi ukulahlekelwa ngaphezu komdlalo.




5. Ukunamathela komunye umuntu akuphilile.

Kuyinto evamile ukuthi uma uthola okuthile, ungase ufune ukubambelela kuwo futhi ungawushiyi. Nokho, lokhu kungabetha abantu. Abantu badinga indawo ukuze babe ngabanye futhi bakhule. Ukubamba komunye umuntu uhlobo lwe-codependency futhi ubudlelwano obuphilile abukwenziwe ngokusekelwe ku-codependency. Zakhiwa ngokusekelwe enhlonipho nasekuthandeni, hhayi ngokuphoqa umuntu ukuba abe nawe.




6. Yiba nesibindi futhi uze njengoba ukhona.

Kungaba umonakalo ekuqaleni kobudlelwane, uzibuze ukuthi unelungelo lomunye umuntu. Ikakhulu uma uthanda lo muntu okuningi. Kodwa-ke, uma othile ethanda noma ethanda ngombono wakho ngokuphambene nawe, akulungile kuwe noma omunye umuntu. Kungase kusabe ukuthembeka futhi ukuthi ungubani ngempela ngoba kudinga ukulimala. Kodwa, uma unganiki umuntu wakho weqiniso futhi awusebenzi, ungase uphendule futhi uzisole uma ubuqiniso. Kuzwakala i-clichéd ngoba kuyiqiniso: uma umuntu engakuthandi ngawe, bese ushiya isikhala somuntu owenza ngoba kukhona umuntu ngaphandle lapho owenzayo.

I have found true love and respect.

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I have found true love and respect. He is in the form of someone who believes in the order of life. He believes that everything happens for a reason, and that we have met for a reason.

His belief is shown through his behaviour towards life and me. He wakes up enthusiastic about life and what he has to offer life. Thus, appreciating what life has to offer him.


He believes in equality so for the first time in my romantic life, I am not the only one giving my time and energy this time around.

He sees the silver-lining in clouds during stormy times. When difficulties arise between one another he, just like I, will look to the light to make it out of stormy weather.

Because he believes in peace& love and he has no reason to belittle me, name-call me or disappear when things are not going his way.

He goes out of his way to appreciate the things in his life- including me.


I have found true love and respect.

6 more things I wish I had learnt before my first relationship.

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Western culture has romanticized the idea of partnership. From the time that we are kids, we are raised to believe that life and we are not enough until we find someone else.


So, many of us are desperate to find someone to match our ideas of what that partner is. Having a partner is great; however, this romantic culture does not mention many important things. One being that you need to be secure within yourself to be in a healthy relationship first.


Here are six more things that I wish I’d learnt before my first relationship.


1. Health comes first.

I spent many years thinking that in a relationship love comes first. Yes, love is important; however, happiness is first. Unfortunately, you can love someone who makes you unhappy and love someone who you make unhappy. Relationships are about more than love: compatibility, trust, loyalty, respect and happiness are also important in a relationship. Two unhappy people in a relationship is a disaster and a disservice to The Universe; however, two happy people help to restore and raise the energy of The Universe.


2. Complete yourself.

Another myth that we are sold in relationships is that, someone else can complete you. The truth is that only you can complete yourself. Unless you believe that you are enough, someone can yell it to you and you won’t understand it. In order to practice something, we need to fully understand it and the same goes for this. Complete yourself first before you attempt to complete someone else and expect someone else to complete you.


3. Practice more than you preach.

It took me a few relationships to understand that how you behave in a relationship is more important than how you say you will behave. I have been guilty of telling a former partner that I will show up and not. In my current relationship, I have noticed that if I show up and am open, so does he. Vice versa. The saying, ‘lead by example’ also applies to relationships because relationships are an example of what you put out, you get back.


4. Games are for kids; not adults.

I’ve spent a lot of time playing games in relationships: trying to manipulate situations by being insincere. In all the mess that I once created by playing games, I learnt that I’m the only one that suffers. If I am untrue and manipulative, I might have to live with regret when things don’t work out. And in games, most of the time, relationships do not work out because the one is trying to control the other. They usually don’t work out because respect of the other person goes out the window. Sometimes when my partner doesn’t reply to my messages, a part of me sneaks up and says, ‘how can we get him to reply?’ However, I then release the need to control him because what we have is too important to me to lose over a game.


5. Clinging to someone is not healthy.

It’s normal that when you find something, you might want to cling to it and never let it go. However, this can smother people. People need space to be themselves and to grow. Holding onto someone else is a form of codependency and healthy relationships are not formed based on codependency. They are formed based on respect and love, not forcing someone to be with you.


6. Be sincere and come as you are.

It can be overwhelming in the beginning of a relationship, wondering if you are enough for someone else. Especially when you like the person a lot. However, if someone likes or falls in love with an idea of you as opposed to you, it is not fair to you or the other person. It might be scary to be sincere and who you really are because it requires vulnerability. But, if you don’t give your true self and it doesn’t work out, you might question and regret if you were authentic. It sounds clichéd because it’s true: if someone doesn’t like you for you, then leave space for someone who does because there is someone out there who does.

Why do I want to forgive myself.

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 Why do I want to forgive myself?

Because holding grudges against myself is self-inflicted torture.


I want to forgive myself because now I know better than how I did before.


I want to forgive myself because forgiveness is true freedom.


I want to forgive myself because I fell into the trap of feeling less than and unworthy. I am out and I am grateful.


I want to forgive myself because even though I had to learn the lesson again, I have finally learnt that who a man is to the world and how much money he has, does not make him worthy of my love.


I want to forgive myself because freedom is a mental state. It is completely free; all that I have to do is change my mindset.


I want to forgive myself because my previous anger showed me what I needed heal and it might take a lifetime of healing.


I want to forgive myself because today is too precious to hold onto yesterday.


I want to forgive myself because only I can truly hold myself back from this present moment.