It’s no secret that I am dealing with a narcissistic ex-boyfriend who continues to harass me and starve for my attention. To get to me, he has hacked my phone, made a few popular songs about me and has made threats of my financial security without him. *Please read my former love articles to be updated on this romantic relationship.

He will continue to do what he does. I am physically safe; however, his emotionally abuse tactics have left my sanity and well-being threatened.

After I left the relationship, I made a decision to heal whatever needed to heal so that I would not allow this form of behaviour in my life again. In the process of healing, I noticed that I also had a few friends with similar behavior to his. So, I did some research and sought out advice from narcissistic abuse experts who revealed that we often allow abusive behaviour if we have grown up in that environment.

My first thoughts were that my parents were supportive. Sure, they are human but I know that they did the best that they could. Following this thought, I had a plethora of memories of how my older sibling emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused me for many years growing up as a kid and into my early adulthood.

I thought that I had dealt with this person (my family member) by cutting them off and no longer engaging in their abusive ways; but I forgot that the biggest thing that the abuser leaves with the abused is a mindset that they are weak, not enough and should feel guilty for how they feel.

Here are 3 things that have been revealed to me that I need to heal from my childhood.

1. Feeling like I can’t speak up.

Family abuse creates a culture of silence and as though the abused can’t speak up for themself. What elders in the situation often don’t understand or realize is that abuse begins with psychological training of the abused so that they won’t speak up. This is no shade to anyone in my life because I know that I was loved and raised from love; however, when I would let some of older family members know of how she treated me, it was often met with phrases like, ‘that’s your blood’, ‘that’s just the way that she is’ or, ‘I’m sure she could say the same about you.’

This subconsciously trained me into thinking that I couldn’t speak up for myself. I am clearly older now and sometimes still have difficulty being truthful or honest because we live in a culture that silences the abused as opposed to dealing with the abuser. I’m not sure exactly why. However, I am re-learning that my truth is more valuable than keeping people around who try to hush me for it, for my sanity and well-being.

2. We live in a culture that supports abusers.

As I previously mentioned, when I would let some elders know about how my older sibling would emotionally abuse me by calling me fat, inadequate and that I would never be loved, the common response was not to take it seriously. This created a belief system in me that if I was being abused or targeted by someone, ignoring it will help it go away- which is completely untrue. Abusers receive satisfaction from going out of their way to abuse their victims so ignoring it will not stop it- only confronting it will. We are all guilty of supporting some form of abuse and, the most common version of this is bullying. I’ve often heard that bullying is necessary because it makes you stronger; however, when you are being bullied or abused, that is the last thing that you are thinking about. The main thing that bullying does is train the person who is bullied that they are less than and need to make up for it by putting up with unhealthy behaviour because the abuser will leave behind these thoughts in the bullied persons thought system.

3. Abusers are not the same person to everyone.

I was watching a video of emotional abuse by Meredith Miller on YouTube and, she said that the classic traits of someone who is abusive is that they become a different person daily. Not meaning that people have different moods; it is as though you are dealing with a completely different person than you did the day before without doing anything to spark this change. It can make you feel like you are walking on eggshells.

While dealing with my older sibling for many years growing up, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and as though she was a ticking time bomb. In general, when I voiced concern, people would emphasize what she had done for me and as though she would give me so much. But, this is what abusers do: they create a façade to everyone else that they are kind and loving towards their abused so that they can continue their abuse. There are many theories for this but at the core of it is that the abuser needs healing and covering up what they have done or continue to do doesn’t help anyone (including the abuser) because the sooner that they can receive healing, the sooner they can make peace with what has led to them behaving this way in the first place.

*If you or anyone that you know is being emotionally or physically abused, please seek help. Your sanity, livelihood and well-being are too important to put at stake.