I have hope that I will find true love and respect- August

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I have hope that I will find true love and respect
He honors the role of Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He is transparent.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He has let his guard down.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

I won’t have to fight to be in his life.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He embraces unconditional love.

I have hope that I will find true love and resect.

We inspire one another to grow.

3 Forms of healthy Love that I am embracing.

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I have made no secret about how I was raised. Being brought up in a narcissist family household held up by The Matriarch in my family scarred me internally. It was only when I was an adult that I decided to take responsibility for my life, seek out help and heal.

Upon healing, I discovered many things mostly that I had a skewed idea of Love. I had a belief that love was tit-for-tat and that I had to do something or prove myself to be loved.

This belief-system had an effect on my self-esteem but allowed me to attract narcissistic personalities into my life because I would do anything to be loved.

As I have broken this cycle and healed from it, I am embracing health now in all forms. Particularly when it comes to friendships, romantic relationships and relatives. I have no room for selfish people and self-centered relationships with people who are around to take and not give back.

Here are 3 forms of love that I am embracing in my life:

1. Healthy boundaries.

Having been raised in a family where the adults were usually the ones who broke boundaries under the guise of it being for my best interest, I had an unhealthy idea of boundaries. It could be for many reasons but I can clearly tell you that my former fear of losing people that I love if I spoke up for myself, was very real.

In fact, I would avoid being honest about what I was comfortable and not comfortable with because I had a need to be loved and accepted. These days, however, I am focused on speaking up for myself and once I do, if I receive backlash, hate or called names, I know that it is from a place of selfishness from who I am asking it of.

People who love me in a healthy way will acknowledge when I feel a boundary has been broken and if not, I would rather they are not in my life.

2. Not needing to prove my love.

Love is all around and all of us are worthy of it. One of the biggest lies that I used to believe is that love requires hurdles, obstacles and me changing who I am to be loved. Believing this has caused me a lot of un-necessary pain.

What a different world it would be if children knew that no matter how they did in school, they would still be loved. Instead of their parents’ love being held hostage by school marks, what career they have chosen or whether they live life how they want them to or not.

We can guide one another and put up boundaries to protect ourselves but love is for everyone and we don’t need to go through challenges and pain to receive it.

3. Living in alignment.

Have you ever seen the numbers 444 after questioning whether you would be okay or not? I have. An example of this is when I had just moved from New York to Los Angeles and was in a lot of debt. I had saved up every cent I had and had a bunch of back payments on my credit cards to move. I had to get out of New York City.

Once I arrived, I would see Angel numbers everywhere and they guided me. Seeing them allowed me to trust the biggest source of love: God. And, surrendering to this Higher Power helped me understand the power of love. It can heal, liberate, encourage, support and motivate. That is what I want to focus on.

Why do I want to forgive him? Forgiving a former ex.

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Why do I want to forgive him?

I forgive him because we weren’t meant to be together. We learned from one another and grew. I am grateful.

I forgive him for withholding love from me because it helped heal my abandonment issues.

I forgive him for never fully embracing our relationship and for assuming that because I was younger than he, that I was meant to learn from him.

I forgive him for everything that happened between us because I was responsible, too. I could sit here and blame him for everything but there always two sides to a story.

I forgive him for trying to push marriage on me and using guilt and manipulation about something that isn’t to be taken lightly.

I forgive him for the past because as I do so, I relieve my future of holding onto this anymore.

I am worthy of a healthy and good life. That is ultimately why I forgive him.

3 Lessons that I learned about love in the past year.

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In all the chaos and mayhem that is erupting in the world, it is becoming more difficult to hear, empathize and love one another. That’s because this is The Age of Aquarius and authenticity, freedom and, individuality is being birthed right in front of us.

It can be scary and sometimes can feel like a roller-coaster but once we allow ourselves to let go of the need to control and just ride with the tide, it is a magical shift that opens us up to authentic love.

If you had asked me in February 2020 when I was traveling the world that I would be stuck in my house for the next 15 months and hardly have any human contact, I would go crazy thinking about how I would survive. But, I have and in that, I learned so many lessons. Mostly about love.

Not the kind of love that I have been used to but a different one. The unconditional type that cannot be forced or enforced upon another but is one with others and the force of creation, God.

Here are 3 lessons that I have learned about love:

1. I don’t have to keep it for a special moment and special person.

In October 2019, a wonderful man came into my life. I had believed at the time that he was my soulmate and that will be revealed if that is the case. I had envisioned us to have a beautiful future together and would have been honored to take his last name.

Then, the universal separation happened during the lockdowns and I felt apart from him because of our personal circumstances. In the beginning, I was mad and wanted to blame him for feeling abandoned. I started to notice that I was behaving like a brat and wanting him to belong to me forgetting that no one belongs to me.

The very thing that I always preached about practicing, authentic love, I had been depriving him of. So, I set him free and although I doubt we will make our ways back to each other’s lives, I am grateful that he came into it and that we shared an authentic experience like that.

2. That love and control cannot coexist.

At the beginning of the lockdown, I found myself wanting to control him through my social media and dropping hints about how much better I am doing being apart from him and that he should be with me.

It felt exhausting so I stopped. It was almost like one day, I noticed myself doing it and playing this game where I made it impossible for him to hurt me because I had a feeling that he was about to. I was projecting my insecurities and abandonment issues onto him. After I noticed this, I decided to do a love meditation where I would send him love everyday.

I knew that he was going through a hard time and I had been making it all about myself, which was selfish of me. So, I made a promise to God to send him love everyday until he was better. A promise that I fulfilled until recently when I could tell he didn’t need it anymore.

I’m not sure what came over me to let go of the need to control him but I will tell you that it felt a lot better to love and accept him rather than hold him up to an unattainable goal.

3. That love is freedom.

I used to recite the poem by Maya Angelou that, ‘love liberates’. But, it was only this past year that I have come to truly know this meaning.

To me, it is when you would like to be with someone but would rather see them happy and be at their best than need them to be around you. I learned the very definition of this when I would miss him and hope to see him but couldn’t. My longing for him was sometimes painful but I knew that it was a pain that was of my Ego. Needing to have what I want and how I want it.

Now, when I notice the subtle voice that wants to blame him for not making more of an effort during the lockdowns, I make a promise to myself to choose lightness of body and mind. It’s heavy to hate, to calculate, to resent, to remember painful things and memories. I have always believed in traveling light.

So now when I think of him, I am grateful for him coming into my life and being a part of a beautiful story and I am forever grateful. It was mot wasted and after reflection &time, I can clearly see that he was placed into my life to help me love unconditionally. What could be better? So I send him love and whoever he ends up with will be a very lucky person; it doesn’t have to be me.

3 More things that I learned from dating narcissistic personalities.

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After having published the first version of this, I received great feedback and decided to elaborate a little more on what I learned from dating narcissistic personalities.

I am not a psychologist, therefore, I cannot diagnose anyone. However, I have done my own healing, learned a lot about narcissism and do believe that I have dated my fair share of narcissists as I didn’t have the courage to put up boundaries to them. I also (from what I believe) was raised by one and when you have a narcissistic relationship with a parent, you are more susceptible to have romantic relationships with them, too.

I am very glad that I broke that cycle; however, I did learn a lot when I would attract and entertain these types of relationships.

Here are 3 more things that I learned from dating narcissistic personalities:

1. They tell you what you want to hear, this is also known as love-bombing.

I have experienced this in a few relationships; however, one example of this really stood out to me. I was in a relationship with someone who would love-bomb me to the point that I would feel trapped. It didn’t help that he was a celebrity and had the financial means to stalk me, obsess over me and wear me down.

I don’t want to sound like a victim because I know that I am not the one to play with. But, the love-bombing phase of a narcissist is nothing to play around with. It’s almost like they put you under a spell to make you think that there is no one else for them or you and that your connection is fated. So, they have to make it happen at all costs.

In this former relationship, I was bombarded with gifts, songs about our love and when I decided to leave, I was guilted that the reason why he was doing badly was all my fault. You see, narcissistic personalities will blame you for how they feel and not take responsibility for when they mess up or are in the wrong.

Thankfully, I had been through enough of these types of relationships to know that the love-bombing was not enough to build a solid foundation on. And, I left. I got tired of the grandiose actions that lacked intimacy and even though he told me I was special, my intuition said otherwise about the way he felt about me.

And, as it turns out I was right. Nine months after we broke up, he welcomed a child (with another woman) into the world. I’m not sure if they have a genuine connection or not and it’s not my place to say; however, I know that if he had a real connection with me and felt the relationship was worth fighting for, like he claimed, he would not be getting other women pregnant.

2. They often obsess over you.

Like I mentioned before, I have had my fair share of these relationships. And, one common trait is that all of my former narcissistic exes have physically stalked me and wanted to see if I was really faithful when we were together.

The reason for this (I believe) is that it is in a narcissist’s nature to want power. Like many therapists and psychiatrists say, most people with personality disorders want external power and control. And, stalking is an extension of this.

An example of this was when I was in my early-twenties and had broken off a relationship with a man that I had been seeing, I also quit drinking and starting doing a lot of yoga to practice healthier ways of living. However, once I started to create distance between he and I, he would stalk me. He would show up at my job on my birthday and I would catch him walking past where I worked every now and then. Even though he lived on the other side of Manhattan.

When I confronted him, he would disappear. This is also a common trait amongst narcissistic relationships: when you ask for a boundary, they break it and then either disappear or turn it on you. As I have gotten older, I am not the one who can be turned around on so the former has been done to me.

I am glad that I went through this because now I know for sure that it is inappropriate to obsess over and stalk someone that you claim to love or even like.

3. They will create their own version of reality.

As I had been raised by someone who would gaslight me and create a different version of reality, I suffered from cognitive dissonance. When I was in my early 20s, I went back to therapy as an adult and was blessed with an amazing therapist. He specialized in cognitive therapy. It helped me stay present and deal with logic.

I believe that because I had gone to therapy, this was the one way that I could see through the game of all my former narcissistic partners because when they would gaslight me, lie to me or manipulate me, I could feel it in my body or just know that their version was not what happened.

An example of this was when I had an on-again and off-again boyfriend (which is common in these situations) and when we broke up, he would threaten break-ups if I confronted him about something. This is also a red flag as when one has a valid concern in a relationship, they should feel at least heard and not as though they are the problem.

When you have an issue with a narcissistic personality, there is surface-level communication and most hurdles in the relationship will be thrown at you and not overcome together- as they should be in a healthy relationship.

Not everything that I mentioned here means that you are with a narcissistic personality; however, because I have done the healing, sought professional help and can see things in hindsight, this is my conclusion. If you feel like you attract people who take from you, use you or try to constantly have power over you, I would recommend that you seek professional help with a trusted counselor or therapist.

3 Things that I learned from dating a few narcissistic personalities.

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Two years ago, I hit a pivotal time in my life where I could see how I had fallen into the trap of being in relationships with people who had narcissistic tendencies. It was a product of my upbringing where I was raised to walk on eggshells around people that I loved.

This attracted me to narcissists and them to me because when other people would call out their gaslighting, manipulation and need to make others feel bad, I stayed because I thought unconditional love meant that I don’t speak up for myself or have boundaries.

Boy have things changed! And, I have done a lot of healing. So much so that I can be grateful for everyone who has ever entered my life because they led me to my healing journey and now that I can connect the dots in my history, it is very clear what the common trait was: I was addicted to loving narcissistic personalities.

Here are 3 Things I have learned from dating a few narcissistic personalities:

1. They thrive off of emotional abuse.

After I ended a romantic relationship that I had in 2019, I saw a similar trait in men that I ended up in long-term relationships with. At the end of them, I felt discarded and emotionally abused. Even though I usually left and the scenarios were different, most of the behavior was the same. Disappearing, not replying to text messages, flirting with other women in front of me and, making me seem irrational or crazy in some way or another for confronting them.

A clear example of this was that I used to date an older guy to me who was going through a divorce at the time. This was one of the darkest times in my life because of the relationship that I had with him. During our relationship, he would disappear, come back (every now and then) and when he came back would say things like, ‘we haven’t professed our undying love for one another.’

Words that cut my heart like a sword. Even though I have since forgiven everything and wish him the best, I can look back and see how emotionally abusive those words were to me after doing something wrong and then shifting the blame to me. I now know that people who respect me, do not speak to me like that. And, it took me going through that to learn that no one will speak to me like that again.

2. There isn’t just one type.

Once I started doing my thorough research on narcissism and narcissistic personalities, I found out a lot! Now, I am not here to diagnose everyone as I am not a psychologist but I have had relationships with people who I believe to be narcissistic and am speaking from this opinion.

I learned the differences between covert, overt and malignant narcissists and I am grateful that I did because I saw a common thread in my previous relationships: after they had done something wrong, it became my fault or I would not receive a sincere apology.

I could give you many examples but one of them is when I confronted a guy that I dated who had given out my number without my consent to one of his friends. To this day, he still has not replied to any message I have sent to him confronting him about invading my privacy and boundaries.

You might think, it’s not a big deal to just give someone’s number away. But, it is a boundary and like I have mentioned before, narcissistic personalities do not acknowledge your boundaries. When you set one, they will act like they didn’t know or say you are overreacting for setting it in the first place.

In a nutshell, if you expect to be respected by a narcissistic personality- think again! Their currency is power and they might hurt you or disrespect you to show you who is in charge, them.

3. They play mind-games.

I have had my fair share of these types of relationships, like I previously mentioned so I can say coherently and with conviction that being with a narcissistic personality feels confusing and creates a memory fog in your brain. Sometimes even years after.

I have (obviously) a few examples of this; however, one specific one was when an ex-boyfriend of mine would openly flirt with other women in front of me. In addition, he would keep a picture of his ex-girlfriend on his wall. I used to think it was an honest mistake until I confronted him about it and then found out that they had been secretly speaking to one another after the ‘photograph’ situation. Which he blamed on me ‘being insecure’. After this, I found him going through my phone to read my text messages and realized that he had been projecting his insecurities onto me and using his ex as (what psychologists refer to as) ‘triangulation’.

This is when a narcissist is in a relationship with you but makes it seem like there are other people in it. Other forms of this would be to compare you to someone they know or look at other women when you are speaking so that you never fully have their attention. This can feel like mental hell and when I sought professional help was often advised to ‘let him be a man’- which was horrible advice.

If you are in a triangulation or being compared to, to make you passively feel like you aren’t a good partner, I would recommend seeking professional advice from a counselor. This trait was the worst of the narcissistic behavior that I went through and know how it can distort your sense of well-being.

This is why I no longer deal or date men who have an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife who is still close to them. Being friendly with an ex is different to being friends. As someone coming into the relationship, I want to be with someone who is giving us a chance and isn’t keeping their past around as a safeguard but allowing new opportunities and relationships to come in. As I have done the same.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. May 2021

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I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He has made right with God.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He fights for what is right.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He gives me space to be loved as I do with him.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He is simple and kind.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He is at peace with himself.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

Although he is an achiever, he doesn’t get attached to materials and money.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He hasn’t given up on being optimistic about life.

3 ways that I healed from a relationship with a toxic famous personality.

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It’s coming up on almost two years when I ended one of the most pivotal relationships of my life. And like a true Aquarius, when I am done, I am done.

I had a lot of people (including him) tell me that we would end up together because I felt sympathy for him and genuinely wanted him to do better when I broke up with him. But the thing about me is that once I see that a relationship is headed down a road that I don’t want to go down, I will discontinue it.

And, so I did. Although he reaches out sometime and still professes his love for me (from time-to-time), I can see the difference between wishing someone that I used to be in a relationship well and moving on from it.

Although I have dated here and there, I mostly took the time to heal and I can say that I am grateful I did because I have healed from it and am ready for something new with someone else.

Here are 3 ways that I healed:

1. I saw it as a teaching lesson.

I believe that everything is either a blessing or a lesson and relationships fall into these categories, too. Sometimes a relationship is in it’s blessing-phase and sometimes it’s in its lesson-phase. It all comes together to help us grow through gratitude or by learning something.

It took a long time to not feel guilty about leaving him because of what we shared. Especially because our relationship dynamic was made up of trying to make me feel like the one who did everything wrong in the relationship. That’s what emotionally abusive people do, they have difficulty assuming responsibility for what they have done.

Among other lessons, I learned that I can only take enough responsibility for what went wrong. I have owned what I did and whether or not he will is not up to me, I have forgiven myself and him. There is no better feeling than seeing what something came to teach me and being at peace about how something has turned out.

2. I forgave.

I heard a song that he wrote for me that used to make me angry and, this time I started singing and smiling to it. I surprised myself. They say time heals but I disagree with this because it depends what you do in that time. I took the time to heal and progress with my life, I can listen to songs written about me and be grateful- even the ones that portrayed me in a negative light.

I am grateful that I can turn on Spotify and have a piece of memory written and produced for me by someone who I once shared a part of my life with. Through forgiveness, I can see the past as a blessing and not a curse.

3. I took a look at my life.

I have mentioned previously how dating someone in the spotlight showed me people around me’s true colors. I discovered fake friends, I had to be at peace with publicly hearing horrible things about the person I was dating had did (or not done) and, I had to be okay with wondering when he was on the other side of The World and if he was still being faithful to me.

This relationship mostly brought out an ugly and insecure side of me that I needed to heal. Prior to dating him, I thought that I had done enough healing to be in a healthy union with someone and then he came along. I could’ve made up excuses and blamed him for relentlessly pursuing him because a part of me chose to be with him- regardless of the red flags.

I had to be honest with myself and ask myself what was appealing about dating someone who had a lot of work to do on themselves and one of the truths that was revealed to me is that I had a tendency to like to date charity cases and people who I felt like I could help because I was afraid of accepting and receiving unconditional love.

This highlighted a lot of my childhood, how my parents relationship was and, the belief systems that were instilled in me to keep secrets and suffer in silence.

I may not have gotten married or had children with him (and a part of me is grateful for that) but, I was led down a road of internal healing that is irreplaceable.

3 Reasons why I waited to get married and have kids.

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If you had asked me when I was a kid, I would tell you that by my age I would have had at least two kids and have been married for a while. That is clearly not the case but I am very happy with how things have occurred.

Sometimes when I look at Facebook and see some of my High School peers, friends or family members have kids, a part of me questions why I don’t have that yet. And then I remember that it is my choice. Even though I have almost gotten married twice and almost had the opportunity to have a child, I am more than happy to be where I am today because I know that I would’ve regretted it with anyone I have been with before.

Here are 3 reasons why I waited to get married and have kids:

1. I wasn’t ready.
I have a vivid memory of the first time I spoke about marriage with someone who I was dating. At that time, I didn’t believe in marriage and my boyfriend at the time told me that he would need to marry me to stay in the country. Somehow I almost fell for it until I found out that he had been lying to me and already had papers to stay in The US but was tricking me into this lifelong commitment.

When I ended it, I did so because I felt lied to and betrayed. Just thinking of this makes me laugh at how I dodged a bullet. Mostly because I wasn’t ready. Although I was perplexed about why he would try to force me into marriage, I made a vow to only marry someone that I could see the rest of my life with and not someone who had to lie to me to get me to say yes. But, with someone who warrants my yes as I do theirs.

2. When I walk down the aisle, I only want to do it once.
I am a child of divorce and I don’t want to get divorced. I am traditional in that way. This is no shade to anyone who has gone through one but I want to make sure that I give my marriage my all and that divorce is not a way out. It’s one of the main reasons that I have taken my time because I want to know that the person I have chosen will stick around through thick and through thin, as I will with them.

Many of us, particularly women, have been conditioned to talk about what would go wrong in a marriage. Actually, when I was planning to get married (out of the two times), I received a lot of unsolicited advice from older women who imposed themselves on my relationship with phrases like, ‘Make sure you have a secret stash of money saved for emergencies’, ‘Always have a plan B’ and, ‘Make sure that you know what he does with his money and that your name is on everything.’

Most of this advice came from what went wrong in their relationships and they projected that onto me and mine. I always refused it, of course! Because when I get married, it will be between me and my husband. Other people’s comments will not live rent-free in my head. I want to be present in all relationships that I have; not living in fear.

The whole point of a union is joining together with someone. We can’t do that if we are listening to how other people’s unions have gone wrong or living based on their fears. That is the ultimate remedy for a bad marriage.

3. When I do it, I want to do it right. I have gotten it wrong many times so I know what that feels like. I have faith when I get it right, I will feel the difference between how it was then and how it will be. I have faith that good things come to those who wait, always and forever.

After a bad break-up, 5 years ago, I made a promise to only marry and make a lifelong commitment to someone who makes it known. I used to date and entertain men who made half-commitments and created theatrics of the future but when it came down to it, they were not ready or there for me.
The vow that I made to myself was that I will listen to red-flags and not take them personally but make space for someone who is ready for a lifelong-commitment and acts as though they are. I owe it to myself, my future husband and my future children to expect to do it right so that we are already one step ahead.

3 Reasons why I don’t trust dating coaches.

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We are in the prime time of sensationalism. We live in a time when those who get negative attention are paid more airtime than those who are positive.

So, naturally, that has shaped people who want to get other’s attention to be inclined to spew negativity over positivity. Unfortunately, this is all aspects of careers, platforms and industries.

Gone are the days when what people sell speaks more volumes than the attention that it receives. These days, if you make a negative statement, it draws traction. Which brings me to what I would like to address in this article, the 3 reason why I don’t follow or trust dating coaches:

1. They often speak from a place of jadedness.

Have you ever noticed how most dating coaches are still single? That is a huge red flag! Yes, I am currently single but I don’t have a career off of telling people how to attract a soulmate or partner when I, myself, have not perfected it.

I used to watch a famous dating coach who gave me insight into how men think when I needed to hear it. And although I am grateful for that, he started to speak about women in a negative light and not constructive light. I admit wholeheartedly that I have had my moments of feeling entitled as a woman; however, I have dated men who have behaved similarly.

People are different. When we start to say ‘men behave like this...’ or, ‘women behave like that’, we are not leaving space for individuality. You could miss out on that special person because you wrote them off based on past negative experiences.

2. If we date based on stereotypes, we will stay single.

It’s easy to put people into boxes so that we try to avoid heartbreak again. I have heard a lot of these dating coaches speak from a place of hurt and a ‘never again’ mentality. To piggyback off of my last statement, men are not the same and neither are women.

I was listening to another dating coach talk about Jennifer Lopez’s break-up and said Alex Rodriguez left her because she ‘looked 20-something but felt 50 inside’. I shook my head in disappointment. While obviously that is his opinion, I saw that statement as superficial.

There has been a rise on both male and female’s side of dating coaches who promote their own gender as the better one and that the other sucks or needs to do better. Again, it boils down to individuality. And until we heal from our past hurt, we will keep ourselves from finding this out.

3. Now is the time to heal and unite.

There is only so much someone else can do for us but our happiness, healing and lives are in our own hands. It’s easy to watch an over-the-top video of someone who targets your insecurities and traumas for likes and views, to receive advice from. They are designed to be that way.

However, are these videos genuinely helping us (women and men) to move forward and heal. After recently seeing a well-known dating coach and influencer having been found out to have cheated on his wife, multiple times, I was not surprised. There is something very disingenuous about people who tell you what to do and what you would like to hear.

Healing requires us taking self-accountability and until we have healed from past trauma, we are not ready to be in a committed relationship because we will take that trauma into the relationship with us or attract others who embody the same energy.

As we enter the age of Aquarius, gone are the days when people can deceive followers or subscribers for a paycheck because the truth is easily exposable these days. There is no need, for me, to follow those who only speak for outrage or shock because sometimes honesty won’t get a thousand likes but needs to be said anyway.

Dear God, it’s in your hands.

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Dear God,

Ever since I was a kid, I have been on my mission to find my Soulmate. My search has led me (sometimes) into places of desperation and relationships that I should’ve left way before I did and some that I left too early.

I have always heard the phrase that I will know when I meet him that I am meant to be with him. And when I thought that I did, things went South.

Sometimes I wish I had a husband and a partner who is aligned with God and who is available to be with me. But, I am done thinking too much about it.

It is up to you, God! I am done over-calculating, waiting, sensing, manifesting, over-thinking and wishing. I surrender my hopes of a husband completely to you.

If I am meant to have one, that is up to you. You know what kind of man who is meant to be in my life and lead the family that I hope to deliver into this World.

I am letting go of any manifestations, hopes, wishes and forces of being with anyone. I trust that you know who I am meant to be with and with your blessing, we will be together forever.

Love,

Dear Mr. Could’ve Been,

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Dear Mr. Could’ve Been,

The last time that I stayed in a situation like this, I ended up hating the other person. You are not capable of being hated and I see so much beauty in you that I have wanted to stay as someone to be there when you needed.

I focused on what I could give you so much that I let go of what you could give me. I need more and I want more. Things that you can’t give me. And I don’t need to demonize you to see that. Your hands are full and I don’t blame you.

It is clear that your journey is not about us and I can’t blame you. One day, you will have enough to give someone enough and it won’t be me. Saying this fights my dreamer side who believed only the best for us because you are so worthy of love and everything more.

But, it is no longer fair to me. I don’t need to hate you to ask you for the space that I deserve, to be with someone who is ready, open and available to plan for us.

I don’t have to hate you to want to be free of you. In fact, it is the opposite. With all the love that I have for you, I release you and give up any fight that I have ever had of the obvious. That you are not ready.

I was afraid to leave you because you are going through a lot and it’s too much for one person to go through alone but it’s time for me to go. There is no future for me here.

I have love for you and I always will but that love has transformed into more of a friendship-love than partnership one because I deserve more. I close the door of having you as my partner and acknowledge you as Mr. Could’ve Been.

We could’ve but we didn’t and I have made peace with that.

Yours truly,

3 Reasons why I am done looking for a partner.

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I am thirty-two years-old and single. Yes, I have almost been married. Yes, I have almost had a kid. Yes, I have been through relationship wringers but I still believe in a divine partnership. And, I know that it is on the way.

They say that as you get older, the more content you become with yourself. Which, I have found to be true about myself. I have also let go of the need to be in a relationship for the sake of it and have lovingly let go of people as a result.

The last time that I recently let go of someone who I saw a future with, I did so with no hate and only love because anger no longer serves a higher purpose in my life-especially when it comes to relationships. So, maybe what they say is correct because I have no space in my life for drama, hurt and un-necessary pain.

So, I am content with being single even though I believe in the value of partnerships and know that God will bless me with it one day.

Here are 3 reasons that I am done looking for a partner:

1. I am at peace with my life right now.

It has taken me a long time to get here but I am at peace with my life and who I am. The paradox of valuing relationships and divinity lies in the fact that one day, I would love to relinquish my singlehood to a relationship that allows me to maintain the peace that I have created.

I know that God has a partner for me who is kind, loyal, a family-man and considerate. So there is no need to force it. I fully trust that he is on the way.

2. Nothing is ever worth forcing in life.

I have had my fair share of relationships where I forced the outcome and created my own suffering by forcing men to be there for me when they didn’t want to be or who weren’t ready. There is a value in learning the hard way, sometimes. Because I now know that I will never do it again.

I am done forcing anything. Relationships are work, yes but equally from both parties. I will never ever force someone to see the value in being with me, in understanding me or in choosing what we have over him choosing what he has with someone else. I have been severely hurt by situations where I was the only one fighting for our relationship and that pain taught me one of the best lessons: that force and effort are two different things.

No relationship is worth being in if you have to coerce the other person to see the benefit of it. I have been there and won’t do it again. I know (now) that there is a bigger picture and I am not meant to control it but flow with it. Learn what I need to and move forward where I am not wanted.

3. Being present is the best gift we can ever have.

I woke up today and heard the birds chirping with glee. Before I started being concerned about an exam that I have been studying for, I closed my eyes, took a deep-breath and listened to the music that the birds were creating. All of a sudden, my worries dissipated and I aligned myself with the vibration of gratitude.

I remembered that I have a healthy body, two legs, two arms, a healthy mind, my heart is beating, I have enough food, I have enough money and I have been blessed with another day. What could be better?

Sometimes I have to pause when I get asked when I will have kids, get married or the same boring questions that circulate amongst materialistic people. I take a step-back and remember that I could’ve had that life a few times but I chose the one that aligns with high vibrations and being present. I want to enjoy everyday to the fullest and let go of the need to have things just because someone else says that I should.

When my future partner arrives, I want to present enough to appreciate the time with him like I am meant to. I am done rushing anything and life is too precious to throw away for what-ifs and lack of gratitude. All is coming because all is already here.

3 Reasons why I don’t talk about my dating life.

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I was on the phone the other night with a friend who found it unusual that I have made a decision to no longer speak about who I date. It may seem like an odd idea to have but it is one that has brought me immense inner peace.

Two years ago, when I began a relationship with a famous producer, I would talk about him and notice how people around me would change and then I had an epiphany that I had portrayed him in a certain light and therefore, they had developed a preconceived notion about him without his knowledge.

So, moving forward, I decided to not speak about men that I dated while I was dating them. And it is one that I will stick with. Here are the 3 reasons why:

1. It is none of anyone else’s business.

When I tell a lot of people this rule that I have. Then, more questions start to entice me to open up. Very few people can accept that my lips are sealed about who I date. It proves my initial point that they would rather hear about him than get to know him naturally.

When the time comes that they end up meeting him or getting to know him, I would love them to do so without any prior judgements of who I have perceived him to be. He deserves a chance to be known for who he is, not who I have told others he is.

2. There is a difference between someone that I date and someone that I marry.

I have dated many many guys and although have been asked to be married a few times, I have not done so because I value marriage and it’s sacredness of union. I think two divine people uniting for a higher purpose is a very beautiful thing.

With that being said, I have grown enough to no longer hype up someone that I date as though he is my husband. I look forward to getting married one day and when I do, I will let everyone know with glee and joy. But, until that day comes, I am done talking about men I date as though they are more than that.

I have a busy schedule and talking about a potential is a waste of time. As someone who values commitment, I used to thinking dating was one. But the older that I get, the more that I see how valuable the bondage of partnership that is more than dating is.

Gone are the days when I treat boyfriends like husbands. I am only interested in men who make sincere commitment to me and our future.

3. I don’t want just another, I want the one.

Like I mentioned in the previous paragraph, one of the biggest mistakes that I made was that I treated boyfriends like husbands. If you do not want to get married, this is not for you! But, I do.

I had a lightbulb moment when a guy that I was dating (who lived in another state) implied that I move for him but he was not willing to do the same for me. Then suddenly, it dawned on me: I would move for my husband.

I had treated my boyfriends like husbands and planned a future with them when most of them were not ready or didn’t appreciate the commitment that I was willing to make. There are certain things that I will do for a husband that I will not do for boyfriend and it’s not because of a paper or what society says we should do.

To me, it is being shown that the person I am with, commits to me so much that they will take vows to uphold respect, love and structure. To me, there is nothing more devotional than this.

So, until that day comes, I will not prop up and gloat about the guys that I date. I will only do so for the person that I see a future with and they are on the same page as I am.

9 qualities that I would like The Father of my children to embody.

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I hope that one day, I am blessed to have a healthy family of my own. By health, I mean a home filled with unconditional love, support and emotional well-being.

I have been very vocal and literal about the healing that I had to do as an adult because of being raised in an emotionally unhealthy household. I have also been put through the wringer in romantic relationships and I played a part in those.

So, when I have the chance to create my own family, I want to get it as right as possible and foster an environment built on respect, kindness and genuine love. Although I have been asked to be married a few times and have been in relationships that were headed that direction, it never felt tangible. However, the more that I heal, the more that I would like to have a family of my own. Who I choose to have it with is very important and when the time comes, I will look for distinct characteristics .

Here are 9 qualities that I would like The Father of my children to embody:

1. Humility.

2. Kindness.

3. Health.

4. Someone who practices unconditional love.

5. Someone who is constantly growing and learning.

6. Someone who can take responsibility and be held accountable.

7. Someone genuine.

8. Someone who is down-to-earth.

9. Someone who is aligned with God and divinity.

What it took to get to you.

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What it took to get to you.

It took me releasing preconceived notions, to get to you.

It took me releasing my hate for men, to get to you.

It took me practicing unconditional love,

to get to you.

It took me releasing my past hurt, to get you.

It took me accepting love, to get to you.

It took me accepting that you have a past, to get to you.

It took me releasing judgement, to get to you.

It took me letting go of the need to control anyone, to get to you.

It took me choosing the simple life, to get to you.

It took me opening myself to the prospect of us, to get to you.

It took me acknowledging how I have contributed to my past failed relationships, to get you.

It took me loosening up a little and being open to the unknown, to get to you.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

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I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He is simple, genuine and speaks from a place of compassion.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He has overcome his past trauma.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He is respectful and considerate.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He sees unconditional love in me as I do with him.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He puts God and family first.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He is done fighting and being at war with himself. And, embraces internal peace.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He is a leader and guides our family in the right direction.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

He is a servant of God and is not afraid to say it.

3 Differences between a passionate and abusive relationship.

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As I watched an actress tell her story of how she was mentally and physically abused by her ex-fiancé, it brought back memories. I am not sure if her story is accurate but I know that I have experienced a lot of similarities that she mentioned in her story.

I was once in my late teens and dated an older man in his thirties. In retrospect, looking back, I was being groomed, emotionally and (sometimes) physically abused by him. It was a dark time in my life.

The biggest question that people ask is, how could you stay with someone who was abusing you and still love them? My quick answer is that the manipulation, lying and gaslighting is so immense that it feels like real life.

When I met my now ex- partner, I was 19 and didn’t fully grasp that someone could have an effect on my emotional well-being in that capacity. So much so, that it had a serious impact on my already low self-esteem.

As I have healed and will continue to do so, I see a clear trace of my former attraction to partner who were gas-lighters, narcissists and liars back to my childhood.

When you are raised by someone who emotionally abuses you, it seems normal and unfortunately, many people continue the cycle because they are so afraid to stand up for themselves against abusers due to backlash that it comes with creating boundaries.

I know of this backlash very well and was just threatened recently by one of my former abusers with a lawsuit. But, I do not care! Nothing can stop me from speaking this truth.

If you are in a passionate or abusive relationship, you might ask yourself: what is the difference? I am not a psychologist but I can tell you what I have been through. Although there is a fine line between passionate and abusive. The two do not have to be the same. Some abusive relationships are passionate. But, not all passionate relationships are abusive.

Here are 3 differences between passionate and abusive relationships:

1. Passionate relationships can be spoken about; however, abusers will retaliate against you speaking out about your relationship.

Almost two years ago, I ended an emotionally abusive relationship and that was my last romantic one of that nature. I was put through so much mental torment that I made a promise to never do it again. One that I will keep.

A red flag that this particular relationship shared with my other abusive ones is that he didn’t want people knowing about it or didn’t like me speaking about it. I am generally a private person with people in my life so I would never divulge information on him. However, his paranoia raised concerns. I thought it had something to do with him being famous but as I look back and read about women coming forward about his abusive ways towards them, I clearly see the pattern.

To abusers, secrets are what keeps their behavior intact because the less people know, the more that they can hide their heinous behavior.

2. There is a lot of guilt with abusive relationships.

I recently had a clear memory of when a former ex said something that violated my boundaries. I spoke up and confronted him but by the end of our conversation, I felt sorry for him. Throughout our relationship, I would constantly feel sorry for him and feel like I couldn’t tell people how he treated me because I saw him more of a victim than I was at that time.

Like I said, I had my continuous partnerships where I felt guilty for merely just being because I was raised by an emotionally abusive parent, I thought it was normal to feel like I was a problem to someone that I loved because I felt like with that particular parent, I could always do better and was constantly reminded of such.

In abusive relationships, you have to walk on eggshells because you fear upsetting them or them blaming you for their mood or something else because you already feel low as it is. They know your triggers and will use them against you. It is not a healthy environment for anyone.

3. There is a lot of fear attached to abusive relationships.

People who abuse others are master-manipulators. They will often use something that you have done against you for years on end to sabotage interactions with you.

One of the worst circumstances of this is with a parent who will use something you did or a mistake you made a long time ago as a way to define who you are. My abusive parent would air out something private that I had done in front of a group of people in public as a way to shame me, instead of guide me in the right direction. She would not let it go and use that piece of information to keep me in line (for years to come) so that I felt like a fundamentally bad person.

The same goes for abuse in romantic relationships, they often use your secrets against you or will publicly tell people about an insecurity that you have, to keep you down. It’s all a part of the manipulation that keeps you fearful of them and inflates their sense of being and tries to diminish yours.

For all those who have suffered an abusing relationship (or a few), there is always hope for help. The key that has helped me overcome this torture is that nothing is ever really personal. Abusers are so because they are usually emotionally abused themselves and have found a way to survive this way.

There is a lot of help and many resources. Your life belongs to you, not who has abused you.

3 Things I wish I knew before I dated an older man.

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When I was younger, I was naturally drawn to older men because I have felt like an old soul my whole life. Even though I would have a boyfriend or two around my age growing up, during High School I couldn’t wait to leave so that I could date men who were more mature and (what I thought to be) understanding of women.

So, when I was 19 and moved to New York City, I fell in love with an older man who was 13 years my senior. Following that, another who was the same age. It started a trend of dating a particular man and I fell into a trap.

Although I don’t regret anything in my life, I believe in reflective therapy and looking back on things that I could do better so that I grow as a person, moving forward.

Here are 3 things I wish I had known before I dated an older man:

1. There is a big chance that they might not be as mature as you think.

My first older formal boyfriend (who I almost married) was a self-proclaimed ‘Peter Pan’. He and his friends would date younger ladies and cling to their youth as tightly as they could.

Looking back, I see the signs that he was desperately trying to defy the laws of gravity and ticking of the clock by dating me, 13 years his junior. In fact, there were times in our relationship when I would compare him to my friends’ boyfriends and see more maturity in them and him.

I learned and am still learning that just because someone is older, it doesn’t mean that they are more mature. Someone’s intentions, actions and overall being will show you their level of maturity.

2. People will judge you.

As with most of us, I feel like I have spent my life being judged. It used to bother me when I was younger; however, the older that I get, I just don’t care.

Because I have been drawn to older men my whole life, I have been judged for it. People have labeled me a ‘gold-digger’, asked me why I don’t meet a man my own age and, once I was asked if my ex-boyfriend was my father.

Of course, it really isn’t their business. But, it has taught me that if you aren’t a part of the norm, you will be judged, talked about and some may try to stop you.

I have a naturally rebellious spirit so when someone tells me not to do something, I want to do it more. However, it is not healthy to go against the grain all the time. It’s about doing what is right and what you believe in, first and transforming judgement into feedback or forgetting it exists at all.

3. You might be taking on more baggage than you can handle.

Even though I have tough skin, my second relationship with an older man wrecked my self esteem and self-worth. He was going through a divorce and dragged me along with it in the process. And, it was one of the most heartbreaking parts of my life. I take responsibility in it but I fully admit that the odds were against us from the beginning as he didn’t have the capacity or capability to love from a sincere place at the time when he was hurting and going through such a painful ordeal. And, I didn’t know how to handle what he was going through.

I have been very vocal about how I had to heal from that situation and I have finally reached a point where I think about him and wish him well from the bottom of my heart.

It certainly didn’t happen overnight but I understand that his presence was necessary in my life. I learned that I can love someone with all my heart and soul but still not be in their lives.

When you date someone older, you take on some of their life experiences- some good and some bad. You have to be happy with what your partner has been through and have made peace with the mistakes that they have made. If it is not for you, the relationship will not work. We can’t turn back time and make someone’s history evaporate.

Unconditional love and healthy relationships are based on acceptance. No matter what the person has done or gone through.

3 Reasons why I am no longer friends with any of my exes.

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This year is the first that I am no longer friends with anyone that I used to have a relationship with and I think it’s one of the best decisions that I have ever made.

I have decided to focus on my present and future, leaving behind people and memories that are no longer in alignment with my connection to The Divine/Source/God.

I have been very vocal about a prolific relationship that I had with a famous narcissist that was so extreme that it forced me to take a look at myself and who I was attracting into my life. Although it was a tough experience, I needed it and I am grateful.

With that being said, here are 3 reasons why I am no longer friends with my exes:

1. There is no use in going back.

I am partially a perfectionist and I like to give things my all. It has been to my betterment and to my detriment because many have misunderstood it as needing to be right; however, I just have a need to make sure I did the best I could and what I was most capable of.

That means that I used to have former partners in my life because a part of me knew that I contributed to how things ended and it was my way of trying to make amends with the past. However, I have learned that there is a reason why there are three different words for the past, present and future.

Different phases of our lives are there for a reason. And, my past and present are not the same. It’s time to leave them behind.

2. Relationships gone wrong doesn’t make me a bad person.

When it comes to relationships, I have been out through the wringer. I now see why because it had to do with healing that I needed to go through with regards to my childhood and now that I have, I attract and keep around a different caliber of person.

Before I addressed fundamental trauma, I couldn’t see the patterns that I was recreating that attracted men who felt intimidated by me, were jealous and that were disloyal to me because I didn’t trust my intuition enough to have the clarity that I needed to have solid and healthy relationships.

So, even though I knew a former partner was not ideal for me, I would keep them around in my life and this never really rid my life of the toxic energy that I left the relationship of, to begin with. I can firmly say that I did contribute to most of my past relationships not working out. However, I learned and gained so much from them. I don’t have to keep around exes because I feel guilty or a sense of shame of how things occurred.

3. I want to create space for my future partner.

I believe that I am worthy of love and a partner who is respectful of me and what we will have together. Because of that belief, I do not need to cling onto people who do not believe this either.

As a true Aquarius, I am always willing to release people and things that do not align with my present and my future. If I really want to have a family with someone who is loyal, considerate and respectful then it is up to me to be an example of that behavior and set the precedent so that I am not being a hypocrite but living what I would like to receive.

I believe that I am worthy of a partner who is healthy, respectful and stable. Therefore, I put forward efforts to be the same so that I practice what I preach. I want to create space for the ideal relationship and partner so that when he arrives, he feels welcomed and not haunted by my past.

My new relationship deserves a chance without baggage and the past getting in the way of the prospect of what could be.