The most important person that I needed to forgive was... me

Phoyo by Alcy Sivyer

I remember when I first came to realize the true meaning of forgiveness. I was watching a YouTube clip of an old Oprah ShowEpisode. On it, a guest of hers said that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.

These words moved me and I began to cry. I had held on to so many situations for my, then, 23 years of age. I had held on to some of the mean things that people had said to me as I battled with my relationship with food, I had held on to broken relationships between family members and former partners and, I had also held on to not feeling good enough for many years- whether it was through academia or personal life goals.

So, I set out to change it. I decided to forgive everything and everyone for the past with a thirty day forgiveness coupled with hot yoga. They went well; the only problem was that the most important person that I had forgotten to forgive was…ME!

I was living and creating my life and therefore, I needed to forgive myself or else I would continue to energetically attract past situations that I had previously created.

So, I got a pen and paper and began to write. As I wrote, tears started to stain the pages and smudge the printed lines.These were liberating tears, tears of relief and self-love. I started from the beginning, remembering the first time that I called myself fat and then, I forgave myself for being so hateful towards myself. I forgave myself for letting my self-hatred spread to others and then hating them too. I forgave myself for hurting others.

I moved on to forgiving myself for calling myself stupid, an idiot and previously not forgiving myself. Once I was done with that, I forgave myself for allowing people to treat me however they had wanted to. I forgave myself for letting an ex of mine cheat on me, a forgave myself for letting another ex disappear on me whenever he felt like it and then I forgave a former-ex for leaving me when I needed him the most. Yes, I forgave them but I also forgave myself. The forgiveness was coupled with a reminder to create boundaries for future reference so that these situations would never happen again.

I forgave myself for the self-blame that I had put myself through after my father left. I forgave myself for the self-label of unlovable when I looked at a mirror or saw my reflection. I forgave myself for doubting my ability to be strong, beautiful and courageous as the doubts were completely untrue.

Once I was done, I looked at my letter of self-forgiveness and saw a true accomplishment. I made a decision to leave that smudged and messy letter behind and move forward. Forward with love and carefor the person that I had been so hard on before.

My self-forgiveness was so important as I realized that I can only forgive others if I forgive myself first.

How I face my fears after my biggest heartbreak.

We all face heartbreak, it’s a part of life. No matter how much advice you get about heartbreak before it happens, experiencing it is a whole different story.

At least that’s how I felt when it happened to me. Last September, I went through the toughest time of my life. It’s hard to even fathom what happened but it did happen. I lost a baby and a partner at the same time. While we were together, we had had many prior talks about deciding that we would one day get married and have kids. Turns out, the universe had a different plan.

When, I discovered that I was pregnant, I told him and he disappeared. I ended up having a miscarriage due to stress. I felt the loneliest that I have ever felt in my life.

Through uplifting music, supportive friends & family and my will to be well, I made it through. The truth is that while it was going on, I knew that it had to happen and I would meditate, pray and remember that the universe had a plan.

Even though it’s over, I still feel fear. Fear that it will happen again, fear that this man, my ex- partner will come into my life again and I also fear that I will never get the love that I deserve; however, I face these fears by creating mantras like these ones:

1. I have learned what I needed to. Now I move on, wiser and stronger.

Sometimes it’s not easy. Sometimes I have vivid memories of when I found out that I was pregnant, calling my partner and him not responding. I begin to feel lonely again. Fear comes over me; however, I stop and breathe. Recite the mantra above and remind myself that the universe sent it to me for a reason and if I have truly learned from what happened, I can move forward with my life. With more wisdom and ability to survive what I have survived.

2. I am worthy of love despite my past.

Everyone has moments, particularly when we are feeling lonely, when we wonder if we are worth being loved. The truth is that I haven’t had the best relationships with men throughout my life: my father and romantic relationships in my life have not gone the best way that they could’ve. As a result, when I start to blame myself for what has happened to our love, I remind myself that I am still worthy of love no matter how I have previously been treated. When we have loved as much as we could and didn’t get it back, it is not on us and we can release that blame for there is someone that will love us as the way that we are meant to be loved.

3. Let go of the past and be present.

The past can very easily consume us. It’s only natural. However, it’s up to us to progress. At some point in our lives, we need to acknowledge that despite how we have been treated, our lives belong to us. The past is the past because it is over. I let go of my fear that the past will repeat itself by reciting this mantra and maintaining that today is my day, it doesn’t belong to those have ‘done me wrong’, it belongs to me and I will cherish it the best way that I can.

I love you, go!

Image by Getty images

Dear U,

It's been almost seven years since we met. I remember when you would look at me as though I was the only person in the room, I knew that you were falling. Did you know that you were falling?

The memory of your raspy voice, the intensity in your brown eyes and your love is still so clear to me. Even though it's been a while since I have seen you, you are still in my heart. Where you will always stay.

I never understood when people said that love wasn't enough to make a relationship last until I met you. You were exactly what I was looking for in a man. So if it couldn't work with you, why didn't it work?

I suppose only God knows because I know that both of us tried. We tried and tried, almost too much and we suffered. We could blame it on circumstances, timing or our Egos but today, I choose to accept my love for you and let you go. Love is infinite but relationships have an expiration date.

Love can be challenging but partnerships shouldn't be this hard. The part of me that still believes that you are the one for me has died but my love for you never will.

I love you, go!

Why do I want to forgive him?

 Because being angry was not helping me progress. I want to forgive him because I have allowed him to steal time from my past but I won't allow anymore time to be stolen from my present or my future.
I want to forgive him because things in his life are messy. If I am a part of his life, I shall also be so. Messy isn't good enough for me, I want clarity.

I want to forgive him because through his hurtful behaviour, he ironically showed me how I want to be loved and I am more than thankful.

I want to forgive him because I could go back but I don't want to. Everything that we had was a blessing. I was blessed to have him in my life and he has taught me a lot. That is why I forgive because life goes on. The clock doesn't move backwards, it moves forward.

The path of forgiveness allows me to elevate my path and my becomings. I am here to forgive because I have chosen to do so. My progress is not in his hands; it is in mine.