3 Things that I am learning about dating in my 30s.

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When I was 21, 10 years ago, I had expected my life to be different. I was a bartender at a restaurant in Soho, NYC, and I thought that I had met the love of my life. At that time he was. And, so is anyone that I choose to spend my time, energy and life with. 

Little did I know that I would go on to almost get married again and be in a few long term relationships. I am grateful for every single things that I have learnt along the way because it has led me to who I am today. Yes, it also took work! But, I needed the experiences to be able to apply what I had learnt so that I could grow. 

I have previously been fully open about how I thought that I would be married and have kids by now. A life that I still sometimes mourn but I know that I am exactly where I am meant to be because I don’t see myself in a life-long partnership with anyone from past. 

As I date, I am learning a lot and it is an amazing experience to do in my 30s. Now that I have more confidence, boundaries and clarity. Here is what I am learning about dating in my 30s: 

1. I don’t owe anyone anything. 

Contrary to how a lot of us are raised, we think that we are owed something. This creates a sense of dependency. When I was younger, I felt like if someone paid for a date, bought me something or told me that they were committed to me that I had to stick around. I have learnt that this is not the case. Potential and reality are two different things. If someone wants a future with you, they need to work at it. Whatever that means for you and that person. 

I am now so comfortable with the notion that unless someone puts forward the necessary action to sustain a relationship, I would rather leave because nothing but them will make them do so- no matter how ‘great’ or ‘convincing’ I might be. 

2. No more fitting into what someone else wants me to be. 

I spent a lot of my 20s pretending to be who someone else wanted me to be. Whether it was for a job, a family member or a romantic partner. Those days are no longer. I know who I am and I am enough. I am exactly who I am meant to be. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t do work on myself but it means that I can be grateful for where I have been and for who I am because I have a lot to be proud of. 

I don’t need to be someone else to be liked or loved. I am worthy of love exactly as I am. 

3. Respect is essential. 

I have always believed that love wasn’t enough but it wasn’t until I dealt with men and situations that proved it to me. I don’t walk around jaded by the past but my previous experiences have allowed me to grow. I am grateful for all of them and for all the people who came into my life. 

I used to date a guy who was a Chef and wouldn’t reply to my text messages for a few days or ever, would look at other women while we were on dates and, was wishy-washy about our future. I saw his potential and was afraid to look at his behaviour to realize that it wasn’t for me. Because these little signs lead to a bigger one, it differs person-to-person but (in this case) he wasn’t ready to commit to someone else at that time. Which was later revealed to me. 

So now, I no longer look at potential but who is in front of me. Just because someone isn’t ready to commit to me, doesn’t make them bad or deceiving. It just means that they are not for me and I am not for them. There is no need for resentment or anger. 

Dear God, I pray to embody love.

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Dear God, 

It has been a challenging yet eye-opening experience. I know that this time has been set aside for me to reflect on what I have allowed into my life and whether it is coming with me, moving forward. 

I have been so focused on external love that (recently) I have forgotten that I am love. Please help me raise my vibration by remembering that? I pray for guidance from Archangel Raphael, the angel of love, so that I can embody love. 

I have been hurt, yes! And, put into situations that I would rather not be in. But, it was all for a purpose. I pray for healing and forgiveness. I am grateful for where I am. 

The 3 Biggest mistakes that I have made about my Soulmate.

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Ever since I was a kid, I would watch movies about the girl or woman who was lost and a man would come in to her life and make her whole. Not sure if this has had an impact on how I view relationships or my subconscious already had this thinking but, I (too) have spent a lot of time hoping and waiting for someone else to complete me. I would fantasize about my Happily Ever After. 

I would dream of the day when the perfect man would come into my life and remind me of who I was, why I was on this Earth and I would do the same for them. So, while my friends in High School were dating guys my age and entering solid relationships, I was waiting on the day when I left school so that I could begin my search for the man who was going to be my everything. 

 I grew up mostly in South Africa and, before I left to The U.S.A., I would visualize this perfect guy. I dreamt of all American guy who was well-known, had a lot of money, who was kind, compassionate and done with that way of life. I have always dreamed big.

I was 19 when I moved to New York and my naïveté took a while to chip away at; regardless of what I went through. Yes, after every relationship, I would learn and grow but in the back of my head, I was waiting on someone else to come and relieve me. It was only until I ended a long-term relationship with an older man, in 2012, did I start to understand that I am the only one who can make me whole. 

8 years later and I am done searching for my soulmate. I understand and truly know that I am the only one who will make me whole and it is up to me to be my own saviour. 

Here are 3 big mistakes that I used to make about my soulmate: 

1. Romance and passion are the foundation for a perfect relationship. 

I used to think that being romantic, spontaneous and passionate were the perfect foundation for a healthy relationship. This thinking has created many memories, yes! However, it has caused a lot of heart ache and suppression of my intuition. 

Last Summer, I ended a relationship with the most romantic and passionate person that I know. He used this as a means to manipulate me, gaslight me and mentally abuse me. I learnt to listen to my intuition because I always knew that his intentions weren’t true even though he would tell me that he was my Soulmate. 

I am done with the idea that Soulmates manipulate us and make our lives hell because of a cosmic connection. The Universe wants us to be at peace and to love ourselves. So, if that means letting go of someone who claims to be my Soulmate but brings turmoil and toxicity into my life, then so be it. 

2. I am not a ride or die. I am a thrive and grow. 

I spent many years thinking that my Soulmate relationship should be tiring, use me up and not easy. So much so, that I would allow behaviour from men who I believed to be my Soulmate that I wouldn’t from others. 

An example of this is when my former partner would disappear and I wouldn’t hear from him for two weeks, only for him to return to me and project his behaviour onto me by saying things like, ‘What do you expect from me?’ Whenever I would end our relationship, he would follow me, stalk and apologize for his behaviour- so I felt obliged to stay because I was holding onto his potential. Which is not real. 

I know now that I don’t have to suffer in love. A Soulmate is a companion who wants the best for me as much as I do for them. Not someone who puts me through hell and then expects me to stick around. 

3. It’s not on me to make up someone else’s behaviour. 

As a child of divorce, I have lived with a burden to want to do everything that I can in relationships and have often done and given more 

than my partner so that we didn’t separate. It sounds desperate but I am a very loyal person with a big heart and often times, my personality tends to fall for those who need me because I like to feel needed. 

I have had to learn that there is a difference between a healthy relationship and doing charity. The two cannot exist in a relationship that is sustainable. I believe in devotion, kindness, loyalty and well-being; I can’t be the only one doing it in the relationship. It is not fair to me and the person that I am in a relationship with if I see them as less than me and allow to do less. 

My Soulmate is my equal. Not financially and physically but someone who is working just as hard as I am to be the best version of themself. Someone who is kind, respectful, grows, says sorry, let’s me in and reminds me of why we are together in the first place. 

I forgive him. B.

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Why do I want to forgive him?

Because I have made a decision to not involve myself in petty drama. 

I forgive him because my growth is a choice. The future has so much to offer me and I feel that this universal cleansing is reminding me of that. 

I forgive him because each day is too precious to force ideas and potentials when the present is powerful and worthy of embracing. 

I forgive him because he did the best that he could. I have no animosity towards him; I merely send him love. 

I forgive him because how he dealt with me and us helped me move forward with my life- I had to. 

I forgive him because I truly believe that there is someone for him in this world but it is not me. 

I forgive him and I wish him the best with his life as I do with my own life. We are both worthy of love, whether we are together or apart. 

Dear God, I pray for guidance…

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Dear God, 

I pray for guidance from Angel Chamuel (the angel of love), I am confused and I pray for the strength to leave this confusion into clarity.

I just let go of a situation with a lovely guy because he wasn’t emotionally and physically available for me but I am wondering why you would send me down a path like that again? I was promised a man who is available to me. So, why him? 

 I don’t want to say that I am mad but I am low key disappointed that the one person that I wanted it to be, it isn’t. And, I am being reminded that it isn’t because he is still a unit with his family and former partner. Which he has to be but I don’t want to feel like an outsider looking in. 

I want to be a part of the story. I deserve a man who tells me; not me finding out from other sources. 

Please give me strength, God. When I see him and his family, please give me the courage to choose me, over breadcrumbs. I deserve a partner who is one hundred percent available for me, wants a future with me and is ready to have one with me. 

I don’t do games, false pretenses, intrusions or reading in code. I deserve honesty, kindness, success, drive, genuine respect and love. That is what I was promised so please guide me to it. 

I pray that I walk away from this situation without resentment; only peace. I pray for peace, serenity and surrendering to the fact that I left for a reason and now I make space for what I deserve... finally!

Thank you for making this space and I pray that you help me manifest a new partner into my life, one that is worthy of my time as much as I am of his. 

3 choses que j'aurais aimé savoir avant de rompre avec une personne célèbre.

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Comme Maya Angelou l'a dit: «Quand nous apprenons, nous enseignons», et en tant que professeur de yoga, je pense qu'il est de ma responsabilité d'apprendre et de faire la lumière sur les situations que je traverse pour rappeler aux autres qu'ils ne sont pas seuls dans un monde qui peut se sentir si isolant et solitaire parfois.

Si vous ne connaissez pas la période de ma vie où j'étais en relation avec une personnalité bien connue, je vous recommande de lire mes anciens articles d'amour pour vous mettre au courant afin que vous puissiez bien comprendre ce voyage que j'ai fait. En tant que croyant en la vie, c'est ce que vous faites, je crois que cette période de ma vie a été nécessaire pour grandir, apprendre et s'épanouir.

Cela fait 9 mois que j'ai mis fin à cette relation qui est devenue toxique pour moi et j'ai toujours affaire à des restes de ce qui était autrefois. Parce qu'une fois que vous avez décidé de faire participer quelqu'un à votre vie quotidienne, vous ne pouvez pas revenir en arrière. Vous n'êtes pas censé le faire.

Voici 3 choses que j'aurais aimé savoir avant de mettre fin à une relation avec quelqu'un de célèbre:

1. Il y a une leçon à tirer.

au fait que je partage des histoires sur la croissance et l'expérience personnelles, je crois au maintien de la vie privée des autres. Mon ancien partenaire n'est pas la seule personne célèbre avec qui je suis sorti, avec qui j'ai eu des rendez-vous, mais je garde cette information privée parce que je ne crois pas à parler d'un endroit où j'ai besoin de prouver quoi que ce soit ou ma valeur. Cependant, cette relation m'a transformé parce que je croyais vraiment qu'il était mon âme sœur. Seulement pour découvrir que j'avais besoin de lui pour atteindre le prochain niveau de spiritualité. Certains appellent cela une connexion à double flamme. Ce fut l'un des plus grands tests auxquels j'ai jamais été confronté car on m'a montré que si je crois vraiment en la santé et le bien-être, je dois proposer des actions qui le créent dans ma vie. Si je comptais sur lui pour le faire, ce n'était pas le cas - c'était à moi d'élever mes standards et de m'aligner avec les gens et les choses qui soutiennent ma croissance.

2. Vous devrez en entendre parler et les voir fréquemment.

L'une des choses les plus difficiles à propos de cette rupture que j'ai vécue est de voir son visage sur les panneaux d'affichage, les réseaux sociaux et d'entendre sa musique (quelques chansons sur moi) à la radio ou dans les lieux publics. Au début, je n'ai pas bien géré cela parce que je me victimisais. Je me demandais, pourquoi moi? Pourquoi ne puis-je pas l’effacer de mon esprit? Pourquoi ai-je fait une si grosse erreur et rendez-vous avec cet homme? Honnêtement, rien n'est jamais perdu. Ce scénario m'a rappelé cela.

J'ai tout donné. Nous nous aimions tous les deux et nous avons tout donné, ce qui était suffisant. Je suis arrivé à l'endroit avec nous que je ne suis plus irrité ou en colère. En fait, j'écoute sa musique (même des chansons sur moi) et je peux apprécier son talent et le fait que nous ayons partagé quelque chose de si beau une fois.

3. Ils pourraient faire tout leur possible pour vous récupérer.

Quand j'ai mis fin à cette relation, je ne savais pas à quel point il allait essayer de m'attraper. En fait, je ne pense pas que je me sois même rendu compte de la longueur à laquelle il irait, parce que je sentais que nous étions au point de non-retour. Après l'avoir terminé, j'ai commencé à comprendre le cycle du narcissisme et de la violence verbale parce qu'il essayait de me manipuler pour me ramener et d'utiliser des tactiques pour m'avoir dans sa vie. Mais alors, traitez-moi mal quand nous étions de retour ensemble. Vous pourriez vous demander pourquoi une personne célèbre aurait besoin de manipuler quelqu'un pour être dans sa vie? Parce qu'être une personne bien connue ne vous immunise pas contre le besoin d'aimer, d'aimer et les problèmes qui se sont développés à cause d'un traumatisme. Personne n'est à l'abri de la souffrance humaine.

En y mettant fin, il a commencé à me traquer, à pirater mon téléphone, à écrire des chansons à succès sur moi abandonnant trop tôt et m'a dit qu'il n'abandonnerait jamais jusqu'à ce que je sois sa femme. Attention, j'ai mis fin à notre relation parce que j'ai découvert son infidélité. Ce n'est pas pour mettre en évidence ses attributs négatifs, c'est simplement pour dire que même si vous êtes justifié de mettre fin à une relation avec quelqu'un de célèbre, ils pourraient faire plus d'arrêts que quelqu'un d'autre qui ne l'est pas parce qu'ils ont les ressources pour tout faire .

J'ai dû (et toujours) prendre la décision de rester fidèle à ce que je pense qu'une relation concerne: la gentillesse, l'honnêteté, le respect, la vulnérabilité, la loyauté et la fidélité. Je sais dans mon cœur qu'il n'est pas le partenaire avec lequel je vieillis et cette connaissance me protège de toutes les tentatives qu'il fait pour me convaincre du contraire.

3 Things that I wish I had known before I broke up with someone famous.

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Like Maya Angelou said, ‘When we learn, we teach’, and as a yoga teacher I feel that it is my responsibility to learn and shed light on situations that I am going through to remind others that they are not alone in a world that can feel so isolating and lonely sometimes. 

If you are not familiar with the period in my life when I was in a relationship with a well-known personality, I recommend reading my former love articles to catch up to speed so that you can fully understand this journey that I have been on. As a believer in life is what you make it, I believe that this time of my life was needed to grow, learn and flourish. 

It has been 9 months since I ended this relationship that became toxic to me and I am still dealing with remnants of what once was. Because once you make a decision to have someone a part of your daily life, you can’t go back. You’re not meant to. 

Here are 3 things that I wish I had known before I ended a relationship with someone famous: 

1. There is a lesson to be learnt.

Contrary to the fact that I share stories about personal growth and experience, I believe in keeping the privacy of others. My former partner is not the only famous person that I have dated, been on dates with but I keep this information private because I don’t believe in speaking from a place of needing to prove anything or my worthiness.

However, this relationship transformed me because I truly believed that he was my soulmate. Only to find out that I needed him to get to the next level of spirituality. Some refer to this as a twin flame connection. This was one of the biggest tests that I have ever faced because I was shown that if I truly believe in health and wellness, I need to put forward actions that create it in my life. If I relied on him to do so, it was not happening- it was up to me to elevate my standards and align myself with people and things that support my growth. 

2. You will have to hear about them and see them frequently. 

One of the hardest things about this break-up that I have experienced is having to see his face on billboards, social media and hear his music (some songs about me) on the radio or in public places. In the beginning, I didn’t handle this well because I was victimizing myself. I would question, why me? Why can’t I erase him from my mind? Why did I make such a big mistake and date this man? 

Honestly, nothing is ever wasted. This scenario has reminded me of that. I gave my all. We both loved each other and gave our all which was enough. I have gotten to the place with us that I am no longer resentful or angry. In fact, I listen to his music (even songs about me) and can appreciate his talent and the fact that we shared something so beautiful once. 

3. They might pull out all the stops to get you back. 

When I ended this relationship, I was unaware of how much he would try to get me. I actually don’t think that I even realized the lengths that he would go to, to do so because I felt that we were at the point of no return. After I ended it, I began to understand the cycle of narcissism and verbal abuse because he would try to manipulate me to get me back and use tactics to have me in his life. But then treat me poorly when we were back together.

You might question, why would a famous person need to manipulate someone to be in their life? Because being a well-known person doesn’t make you immune to needing to loved, liked and issues that have developed because of trauma. No one is immune to human suffering. 

Upon ending it, he began stalking me, hacking my phone, writing hit songs about me giving up too soon and told me that he would never give up until I was his wife. Mind you, I ended our relationship because I found out about his infidelity. This is not to highlight his negative attributes, it is merely to say that even when you are justified about ending a relationship with someone famous, they might pull out more stops than someone else who isn’t because they have the resources to go all out. 

I had to (and still) make a decision to stay true to what I believe a relationship is about: kindness, honesty, respect, vulnerability, loyalty and faithfulness. I know in my heart that he is not the partner for me to grow old with and this knowing protects me from any attempts he makes to convince me otherwise. 

3 Cosas más importantes que aprendí sobre las citas en mis 20 años.

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Acabo de cumplir 31 años y, al contrario de lo que pensaba cuando era más joven, mi vida ha resultado increíble y estoy eternamente agradecida. Anteriormente mencioné cómo pensé que tener hijos y ser esposa ha sido una prioridad; Sin embargo, el universo me ha enviado lecciones para enseñarme que no es mi éxito final.

Ser padre y pareja es maravilloso, sí. Pero, tuve que aprender que necesito realizarme a mí mismo en lugar de jugar un papel para demostrar mi valía. Desde que tenía 12 años o un poco más joven, siempre he sabido que quiero ser madre. Soñaba con tener 6 hijos y la gente bromeaba diciendo que debería casarme con un contador, lo tenía en mente y cuando comencé a salir, solo salía con hombres que tuvieron éxito para poder cumplir mi sueño.

Cuanto más mencioné mi deseo de tener un montón de hijos, más me cansaría de las proyecciones de otras personas sobre cómo debería ser mi futuro. Estas proyecciones nublaron mi vida amorosa porque en lugar de buscar una pareja, estaba buscando a alguien en mi vida que se viera bien en el papel, olvidando que la persona con la que quiero estar es una extensión de felicidad y alegría.

Aquí hay 3 cosas que las citas en mis 20 años me han enseñado:

1. No tengo que ser una esposa para ser feliz.

Vengo de una familia de divorciados y, aunque cada familia tiene sus problemas, hay algo que les sucede a los hijos del divorcio que es único. Pasé por dos fases para acercarme a la vida familiar: no necesito una pareja para tener hijos y necesito casarme con la persona perfecta para que mi matrimonio no se desmorone. Esta presión solía llevarla profundamente y buscaría socios que parecieran perfectos en el papel, incluso si no estuvieran disponibles emocional o físicamente porque había desarrollado la creencia de que el dinero y la estructura mantienen unida a la familia. Sí, la razón número uno para el divorcio es el dinero; sin embargo, no hay unión entre dos personas si no hay respeto, amabilidad y amor mutuo.

2. Yo me elijo.

Acabo de dejar ir una situación con un chico maravilloso. Es una persona hermosa por dentro y por fuera; sin embargo, él no está emocional o físicamente disponible para darme lo que quiero. Cuando era más joven, sentía que tenía que ser mártir y sacrificar mi sangre y sudor. Tenía la creencia de que una mujer debería dar más que un hombre y, para ser la esposa potencial perfecta, no debía expresar ni expresar mis preocupaciones. Podría pasar mi tiempo culpando a la sociedad y por qué desarrollé estos sistemas de creencias en primer lugar. Sin embargo, es mi vida y tengo que asumir la responsabilidad de lo que quiero en ella. Quiero y merezco un socio que esté listo y capaz de comprometerse, así que depende de mí crear límites para que esto sea factible.

3. Siempre puedo decir que no.

Honestamente, me he metido en algunas relaciones que duraron mucho más de lo que deberían porque tenía demasiado miedo de ser el único en decir que no. En el fondo de mi cabeza, siempre me preguntaría si me arrepiento de haber dicho que sí. Siempre he sentido la necesidad de ser optimista siempre, aunque sea a mi costa. Especialmente como profesora de yoga y profesional del bienestar, pasamos mucho tiempo enfocándonos en sí. Sin embargo, olvidamos enfatizar la importancia de decir a veces no.

Nada es blanco y negro y la experiencia de vida de cada persona es diferente. Sin embargo, ninguno de nosotros debería sentirse obligado a decir algo que sea falso por miedo a no obtener lo que queremos. He aprendido y creo firmemente que todo lo que es para mí, me encontrará. Si trabajo lo suficiente, amo lo suficiente y lo doy todo, he hecho todo lo que puedo. Se me permite crear límites y cuidar mi bienestar y, a veces, eso significa decir que no.

3 Important things that I learnt about dating in my 20s.

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I just turned 31 years old and contrary to what I had thought when I was younger, my life has turned out amazingly and I am forever grateful. I have previously mentioned how I thought that having kids and being a wife has been a priority; however, the universe has sent me lessons to teach me that it is not my ultimate success. Being a parent and partner is wonderful, yes. But, I had to learn that I need to fulfill myself instead of playing a role to prove my worthiness. 

Since I was 12 or a little younger, I have always known that I want to be a Mother. I dreamt of having 6 kids and people would joke that I should marry an accountant, I kept that in the back of my mind and when I started dating, I only dated men who were successful so that I could fulfill my dream. The more that I mentioned my wish of having a bunch of children, the more that I would get jaded with other people’s projections about what my future should look like. 

These projections clouded my dating life because instead of looking for a partner, I was searching for someone in my life who looked good on paper- forgetting that the person that I want to be with, is an extension of happiness and joy. 

Here are 3 things that dating in my 20s has taught me: 

1. I don’t have to be a wife to be happy. 

I come from a family of divorce and, although every family has it’s issues, there is something that happens to children of divorce that is unique. I went through two phases of approaching family life:I don’t need a partner to have kids and, I need to marry the perfect person so that my marriage doesn’t crumble apart. This pressure I used to carry deeply and would seek out partners who seemed perfect on paper- even if they weren’t emotionally or physically available because I had developed a belief that money and structure keeps a family together. 

Yes, the number one reason for divorce is money; however, there is no union between two people if there is no respect, kindness and love for one another. 

2. I choose me. 

I just let go of a situation with a wonderful guy. He is a beautiful person inside and out; however, he is not emotionally or physically available to give me what I want. When I was younger, I felt like I had to be a martyr and to sacrifice my blood and sweat. I had these beliefs that a woman should give more than a man and, that to be the perfect potential wife, I shouldn’t voice or express my concerns. 

I could spend my time blaming society and why I developed these belief systems in the first place. However, it is my life and I need to take responsibility for what I want in it. I want and deserve a partner who is ready and able to commit so it is up to me to create boundaries so that this is is feasible. 

3. I can always say no. 

Honestly, I have gotten into some relationships that lasted way longer than they should have because I was too afraid of being the one to say no. In the back of my head, I would always wonder if I regret saying yes. I have felt a continual thread of needing to be optimistic always, even if it is at my expense.

Especially as a yoga teacher and wellness professional, we spend a lot of time focusing on yes. However, we forget to emphasize the importance of sometimes saying no. Nothing is black&white and, everyone’s life experience is different. However, none of us should feel forced to say something that is false for fear of not getting what we want. I have learnt and firmly believe that everything that is for me, will find me. If I work hard enough, love enough and give my all, I have done everything that I can. I am allowed to create boundaries and take care of my well-being and sometimes that means saying no. 

Cher B, je t'aime et je te laisse partir. 23/02/2020.

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Cher B,

Je me suis promis de ne jamais me sacrifier pour l'amour, comme je l'avais fait auparavant. C'est une habitude négative dont j'ai consciemment choisi de m'éloigner. C'est comme ça que je me sens. Je crois à l'amour de la liberté. Pas de liens et de tirage. Voilà comment je me sens.

Honnêtement, j'ai peur de vous laisser partir car j'ai peur que vous ne reveniez pas. Ce qui signifie probablement que je dois te laisser partir. Je crois fermement en l'amour de la liberté. Je respecte et honore la place que vous occupez dans votre vie. Et vous n'êtes pas en mesure de m'offrir ce que je veux. Il n'est pas nécessaire d'attendre que vous puissiez me donner ce que je veux et ce que je mérite car cela ne fait que créer de la souffrance et de la maladie. Je suis le co-créateur de ma vie alors je vous laisse partir.

La vie progresse et je progresse ou non. Avant, je pensais qu'en tant que femme, je devais attendre qu'un homme soit prêt à m'offrir la sécurité. Mais maintenant je comprends que cela n'a rien à voir avec moi. Vous n'êtes pas en mesure d'être le partenaire que je veux, ce qui n'est pas personnel. C'est la vie et je sais que quelle que soit ma décision, la vie me soutiendra. Vous laisser vous sentir bien. Tout fonctionne toujours en notre faveur. Et je sais que tu veux bien. Je n'ai ni colère ni hostilité envers vous. Je veux juste que nous soyons tous les deux heureux et si je m'accroche à vous maintenant, je le regretterai et vous en voudrai plus tard. Je t'aime vraiment. Avec tout l'amour que j'ai pour vous, je vous souhaite bonne chance et j'espère que vous vous épanouirez dans tout ce que vous ferez.

Tout mon amour

I have hope that I will find true love and respect- 2/23/2020

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I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He is emotionally and physically available to be in a relationship with me. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He is upfront and honest with his feelings about me. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

I will not need to feel like a martyr and as though I am giving more than I receive. Our love is reciprocal. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

A bond where commitment and union takes precedent over anything else. 

I have hope that I will true love and respect. 

A partnership that I won’t have to guess how my partner feels, we assure one another. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

We choose each other daily without secrets and embrace honesty. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He has used his past as a way to transform and enlighten himself and those around him. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He embraces me and lets me know when he is going through something that is challenging him because I can’t read minds and shouldn’t have to. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. We embrace one another with honesty, trust and commitment

Dear B, I love you and I let you go…

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Dear B, 

I made a promise to myself that I would never sacrifice myself for love, like I had before. It is a negative habit that I have consciously chosen to distance myself from. This is how I feel. 

I believe in love- with freedom. Not ties and pulling. Which is how I have been feeling. Honestly, I am afraid to let you go because I am scared that you might not return. Which probably means that I need to let you go. I am firm-believer in loving with freedom. 

I respect and honour the place that you are in your life. And, you are not in a position to offer me what I want. There is no need to wait for you to be able to give me what I want and deserve because that only creates suffering and dis-ease. I am the co-creator of my life so I let you go. Life is progressing and I am either moving forward with it or not. I used to think that, as a woman, I had to wait for a man to be ready to offer me security. But, now I understand that it has nothing to do with me. You are not able to be the partner that I want, which is not personal. It is life and I know that whatever decision I make, life will support me. Letting you go feels right. 

Everything is always working out in our favour. And, I know that you mean well. I have no anger and hostility towards you. I just want both of us to be happy and if I hold onto you now, I will regret it and resent you later. I do love you. With all the love that I have for you, I wish you well and hope that you thrive in whatever you do. 

All my love, 

Now that there is you, B.

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Now that there is you, 

I understand why I had to learn what I have learnt to have compassion and appreciation for you. 

You are a blessing that I would never want to change, alter or make into something or someone else. 

You have so much love and energy. I feel grateful to be in your presence and in your space. 

Your kindness, love and generosity influences me to want to embody these characteristics more. 

We’ve come a long way and I hope we have more to go because we are deeply connected. 

Now that there is you, 

I don’t need to pretend to be okay, pretend to have found the perfect one, act like I am happy when so much is missing. Because this is real and abundant with what I have always wanted.

12 Ways of love that are worth embracing.

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An intense phase of evolution is taking place, as a society, we are being shifted into an authentic way of loving. The most prominent manifestation of this, in my life, was in 2012 when I was in an on-again and off-again relationship where I tried to hold onto him for fear of losing him. Only to find out that I did lose him and what I gained was better, a sense of devotion, peace and loving everyone whether our personalities match, I might need to be away from them or whatever physical distance I had between someone else. 

It hasn’t been easy but this evolution and transformation unfolded even more last year when I ended a prolific relationship. With whom I believed to be my soulmate, was not and I had to rel-learn that love is not pulling, holding, manipulating, obsessing, fixating and possessing. Love is pure and true. No drama and no attachments.

Here are 12 new ways that are worth embracing: 

1. Loving and letting go. 

2. Giving and not expecting back. 

3. Loving without keeping count. 

4. Loving without an agenda. 

5. Loving with sincerity. 

6. Loving with the absence of money, hierarchy and competition. 

7. Loving with compassion. 

8. Loving with release. 

9. Loving with intuition. 

10. Loving without keeping score. 

11. Loving without holding back. 

12. Loving with devotion. 

Dear B,

Dear B, 

In case you haven’t noticed, I am a fighter, a hustler and an over- achiever. Sometimes I forget; however, that this mentality can work against me and the people in my life. It has harmed what we have and I am sorry. 

You see, I manifested you and me together. So, when you showed up, it seemed too good to be true so I was trying to figure out what the catch was. I had my guard up because my past has been filled with genuine seeming people who were actually in it for all the wrong reasons. I have been in romantic situations for the wrong reasons beforehand. 

So, I have had to look at myself and that mirror never goes away. In fact, sometimes it is hard to see that the person who is standing in your way is you, ‘The Self-Saboteur’. My self-sabotage convinced me to believe other people about you, only to realize that these people are not worth believing in. You are worthy of my belief because you have shown me your kindness, love and compassion from the beginning. 

Here I am, B, I let down my guard and open up my heart. No more running, ghosting and pulling tricks that I felt I had to do before because this feels different. This is not the cycle that I was in, in my previous relationships. 

I apologize for all the obstacles and the hoops. I am learning more and more that I don’t have to put up challenges in order for me to feel safe around people that I love. I need to trust my intuition about who I have chosen to be in my life. And, sometimes the wrong way is the right way. I choose you, B, even if it’s the wrong way because it feels a hundred percent right to me now. 

All my love, 

H 

12 Izinto engizikhumbuza zona njengoba ngiphinde ngithandane.

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Angisona isisulu. Ngakho-ke, lapho ngithi ngibe nabasiki bengqephu abambalwa (abane babo ngo-2019), ngicela ungangihawukeli! Ngifunde kulokhu okuhlangenwe nakho futhi ngikwazi ukukusebenzisa njengendlela yokufunda engiye kwadingeka ukuba ngiyenze.

Eqinisweni, njengoba umlingani wangaphambili aqhubeka nokuhlambalaza igama lami, athi uthando lwethu lwaphakade futhi angihlukumeze, ngikhetha indlela yokusebenzisa lokhu njengesikhumbuzo sokuthi ngashiya leso simo ngesizathu. Futhi, lokhu kuqokonyiswa ngaso sonke isikhathi lapho enza isenzo kimina noma ngithola ukuthi kukhona akwenzile ukuzama ukungidonsela emuva esedlule.

Ukungashadi ngalesi sikhathi empilweni yami kuyisibusiso ngoba ngisebenzise lesi sikhathi ukuphulukisa kusukela esikhathini esidlule, usuku lapha nalaphaya futhi, ngihlala ngithembekile kumuntu ongitholile kakhulu kuyo yonke le minyaka: uqobo. Njengoba ngithandana, ngikhetha ukukhumbula izinto ezimbalwa engizifunde sonke lesi sikhathi ngifunda futhi nazi eziyi-12 zazo:

1. Yingoba nginemizwa ngomuntu, akusho ukuthi kufanele sibe ndawonye.

2. Akuwona wonke amadoda azongilimaza futhi angihlukumeze.

3. Uma ngizivalela kude futhi ngizihlukanisa nothando, ngisebenza nami kuphela.

4. Abantu kufanele bakholelwe kukho kuze bakukhombise ngenye indlela.

5. Kuze kube yilapho sengizithanda ngokungenamibandela, ngeke ngilindele ukuthi omunye enze okufanayo.

6. Kwesinye isikhathi abantu kungcono kakhulu ukubathanda kude nabo.

7. Uthando alwanele.

8. Ebudlelwaneni, izinto zomuntu othile zivame ukuba namandla kakhulu kunamazwi abo.

9. Kwesinye isikhathi sisebenzisa igama elithi 'Ride-or-Die' ukukhuthaza ubudlelwano obuzala ubuthi.

10. Ukuthethelela kuyinto engizoyenza lapho sengikulungele ukwenza kanjalo.

11. Kwesinye isikhathi isenzo sothando esikhulu kakhulu ukulalela izinkinga zomuntu esikhundleni sokuzama ukuzilungisa.

12. Ukuphela kohlobo lobuhlobo engifuna ukuba kulo yilapho abantu ababili bachitha isikhathi sabo, amandla nokuziphatha kwabo ekwenzeni lokhu kusebenze; hhayi ukubeka engcupheni.

12 Things that I remind myself as I start to date again.

I am not a victim. So, when I say that I have had a few stalkers (four of them in 2019), please do not feel sorry for me! I have learnt from these experiences and use them as a pathway to learn what I have had to.

In fact, as a former partner continues to slander my name, claim our eternal love and harass me, I am choosing the route of using this as a reminder that I left that situation for a reason. And, this is highlighted every time that he acts up towards me or I find out that he has done something to try and pull me back into the past. 

Being single at this time in my life is a blessing because I have used this time to heal from the past, date here-and-there and, stay true to the one person who has gotten me through so much throughout the years: myself. 

As I date, I am choosing to remember a few things that I have learnt all this time learning and here are 12 of them: 

1. Just because I have feelings for someone, doesn’t mean that we should be together. 

2. Not every man is going to hurt me and abuse me. 

3. If I close myself off and isolate myself from love, I am only working against myself. 

4. People are worth believing in until they show you otherwise. 

5. Until I love myself unconditionally, I cannot expect another to do the same. 

6. Sometimes people are best to love away from them. 

7. Love is not enough. 

8. In a relationship, someone’s actions are often more powerful than their words. 

9. Sometimes we use the term ‘Ride-or-Die’ to promote a relationship that breeds toxicity. 

10. Forgiveness is a choice that I will make when I am ready to do so. 

11. Sometimes the highest act of love is listening to someone’s problems instead of trying to fix them. 

12. The only kind of relationship that I want to be in is one where two people devote their time, energy and morality into making it work; not jeopardizing it. 

3 Ways to love to create healthy relationships and solid foundations.

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Love is the most powerful energy in the world and when someone truly loves you, you can feel it. As I have mentioned in previous articles, we are entering a new paradigm of love where manipulation and control can no longer keep people around like it used to you in the past. 

As we progress into real unconditional love, we are being forced to look at how we contribute to the conscious controlled and conditional love that many of us have become so accustomed to. The old way of loving someone is to make sure that they stick around for life, feeling like they owe us and manipulating them to never leave so that we don’t feel the pain through The Ego when someone leaves us, however they end up leaving anyway. 

We are learning that phrases like, ‘Love is pain’, stemmed from pain that we create in our minds which leads to trauma and then needs healing- which can be very heavy and weighty. I believe in a lighter way of loving, a love that transcends physical and is open to the other person coming and going because I will love them anyway. 

Here are 3 new and healthy ways to love: 

1. From a distance

Not everyone is meant to be loved within close proximity. As a society, we have created this idea that if we love someone, they have to be close at most times otherwise the love dies. *The course of miracles says, ‘Nothing real can be threatened’. And, this is how I want to approach love. When we hold onto who we love, we suffocate them and give very little space for growth of ourselves, them and the relationship. Oxygen gives life and creates space which can be beneficial for a healthy relationship. 

This can also apply to people or dynamics that have become toxic in our lives. I am a firm-believer in speaking up for yourself in a relationship; however, if someone is incapable of being in a healthy dynamic, it is okay to admit that and  give the relationship space to evolve to whatever it needs to be. We have become so obsessed with needing things and people around us to feel safe. And sometimes, we lose sight of why they are around in the first place. Ask, yourself this question, do I feel tied to this person or situation out of need/guilt or because I genuinely respect and appreciate the dynamic that we have created?

2. From a healed perspective. 

We are all healing and that, to me, is the purpose of life. Gone are the days when we looked down upon people who take care of themselves, approach life from a healthy mindset and make choices that are beneficial; instead of toxic. 

Every one of us is healing emotional and physical trauma that occurs in our lives. As we shift our perspective from blame into responsibility, we are coming to understand that just because we take responsibility for something that has happened to us, it does not mean that we are to blame for it. Until we take the steps and action to healing, we can not fully heal because we will be stuck in the same pattern over and over; expecting a different result. Which is the definition of insanity. It is comforting to know that our health is in our hands. Blaming the past and people around us is stunting; however, acknowledging, accepting and taking action helps us move forward with integrity and support. 

3. Acknowledging the difference between materials and love. 

I thought that I understood this concept until I was in my last relationship. Where I was involved with a narcissistic and well-known personality. I blamed him for forcing his way into my life; however, I manifested him to begin with. Subconsciously I knew that he would teach me a lesson. And, many lessons I learnt. One of the biggest takeaways that I received from our dynamic is that manipulation and love are two different things. My former partner courted me with an album and songs in collaboration with my favourite artists, I thought that this was romance and looking back I now understand that it was manipulation. Romantic actions are a byproduct of genuine love and respect. If someone uses these gestures as a way to say sorry and excuse actions but never change, it is a form of mind control towards the other person. 

I found out recently that in the duration of our relationship, he cheated on me and was giving his sidepieces gifts and I felt a stab in my heart. I am thankful for that rush of pain because it is a reminder that anyone can receive a romantic gesture but the intention behind it and actions around them speak louder than something material. 

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect.

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J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Ses actions sont plus éloquentes que ses paroles.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il aime le chemin de la guérison (tout comme moi) et est prêt à travailler pour cela.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il pratique ce qu'il prêche.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il a choisi, tout comme moi, d'abandonner l'ancienne idée de partenariat et en choisit une nouvelle fondée sur l'égalité et la gentillesse.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il a laissé derrière lui le besoin et la dépendance au drame et a choisi d'être en paix.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il vient avec son cœur dans sa main parce qu'il comprend que personne ne devrait avoir à travailler pour l'amour.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il sait que je ne lui dois rien. Ce que je lui donne est par choix, vice versa. Nous choisissons donc judicieusement les actions les unes envers les autres.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Il admire la paix, comprend la valeur de son partenaire et pense fortement à la croissance.

J'ai l'espoir que je trouverai le vrai amour et le respect. Nous nous tenons la main ensemble et nous promettons de nous élever la vie, peu importe ce qui nous arrive.

I have hope that I will find true love and respect.

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I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

His actions speak louder than his words. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He enjoys the journey of healing (just like I) and is willing to work for it. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He practices what he preaches. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He has chosen, just like I have, to leave behind the old idea of partnership and chooses a new one based on equality and kindness. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He has left the need and addiction for drama behind him and has chosen to be at peace. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He comes with his heart in his hand because he understands that no one should have to work for love. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He knows that I don’t owe him anything. What I give to him is out of choice, vice versa. So we choose actions towards one another wisely. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. 

He admires peace, understands his partner’s worth and thinks highly of growth. 

I have hope that I will find true love and respect. We hold hands together and promise to elevate each other’s lives, no matter what comes our way.