Dear God, show me…

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Dear God, 

I am tired. I’m trying to be positive about my love life but it seems like there is always something. I’m starting to question if I am meant to have a true love in this lifetime. I have given a lot in this department before, had it taken and I am not playing the victim but need to reserve my energy. I don’t want to be caught up in games and fantasies. 

If there is a true love for me in this lifetime, please show me to him? I need something tangible and stable otherwise it is not worth my time. The foundation of the relationship that I want is based on respect, kindness and wanting to be in it. I am over games, emotional tactics, manipulation, exes, insincerity, sacrificing and being made to feel small. 

If there is a partner for me in this lifetime who is ready for a pure and honest relationship then, show me to him, please? I promise to give a hundred as long as I receive a hundred. Otherwise, there is no point. 

I’m over being seen as a possession and want to be respected as a human who has a say in the relationship that I am in. I know (now more than ever) that I am worthy of this kind of relationship so I will no longer settle for the sake of fearing getting older and being in a circumstance that depletes me; as oppose to restore me. 

I trust you to guide me in the right direction. So, I surrender all my manifestations, crushes, hopes and wantings. And, I accept and love the life that I currently live. I am at peace and happy to be where I am so I will focus on that. 

Thank you for the life that I have been given! 

The 3 things that I have learnt from my 2 twin-flame relationships.

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Ten years ago, I began a long-term relationship with a man who I believe to be one of my twin flames. After this long journey, I have learnt the difference between twin-flames and soulmates. I believe that your twin-flames ignite you and prepare you for your soulmate.

10 years ago, I was just about to turn 21 when I met Mr. U, he was charming, a lady’s man and everything that I wanted on paper; however, he was going through a painful time in his life. He was going through a divorce. My sadistic and generous self felt that I had to save him because I believed that to be my role in life, to save men that I was in relationships with.

Mr. U being 13 years my senior and emotionally hurting without meaning to do so, hurt me by proxy because he wasn’t able to be there for me. I forced it and forced it until it collapsed. Our on-again and off-again relationship fell apart and I ended it. I had never felt such emotional pain in my life when I left him but I knew that I had to because he wasn’t able to be in it. This man opened my soul. This is what they say some twin-flames do, take you closer to your soul’s purpose.

Fast forward to 2018 when I am living in Los Angeles and I meet my second twin-flame after being told that he is my soulmate and so many signals orchestrate such. This was the second most emotional pain for me but I learnt something very valuable. My second twin-flame, Mr. W, opened up my heart. He is a very spiritual being and we connected deeply through each other’s hearts. Whatever he felt, so did I- particularly when we were thinking of each other. He helped me understand that I am an empath.

Amongst this, I learnt a few other things. This is what these two relationships taught me:

1. Only I can save myself.

In my first twin-flame experience, Mr. U would disappear and return as he wished. Every time that he did, I would reason with myself about why he was doing it. I made every single excuse that I could think of to mend our fickle relationship. I would tell myself that he probably didn’t know how to tell me about what he was going through, that he needed space or anything else to alleviate him of his responsibility in our relationship. I was lying to myself.

In 2012, I decided to stand up for myself and leave our toxic relationship. So, I signed up for my first 30-day hot yoga challenge. I had no idea that the experience would be so introspective. I remember specifically one day that I wrote a letter of forgiveness to Mr. U and cried like I had never cried in my life, I felt my soul crying. I was being led to a more divine purpose, one that was about taking responsibility for what I had created in my life. I made a promise to save myself; instead of needing a man to do so. I made a promise to give as much as I was able. Even if I fell, at least I was moving forward.

2. Sometimes mistakes are the right direction.

I went to one of the best private schools in South Africa and was enrolled in many extra-curricular activities growing up. I was not a good student because I didn’t like school but I have always felt the pressure to do things right. I come from a family of achievers and have put pressure on myself to be the strongest, most perfect and fully capable that I can be. It has served me a great purpose; however, it has created an image to people around me that I don’t need them when I do.

After I left my first twin-flame, I felt like a failure. Everyone had told me that Mr. U was not capable of loving me, so why didn’t I believe them? The answer is that sometimes we have to experience for ourselves to learn a lesson that serves us for the next level. Being with Mr. U, helped me develop a consistent yoga practice which has been my foundation for spirituality. So, even though I didn’t get to be with him forever, I got something better. I learnt to connect myself to God and the divine.

3. Life is meant to be lived.

If someone had told me that I would be where I am today, I would be in shock. If someone had told me that today I would’ve left a relationship with a well-known Producer for the sake of my sanity, I would wonder how that happened. When I broke up with Mr. W, I became obsessed with watching astrology tarot card readings because I wanted to know the outcome. Some of them mentioned a reconciliation with him and I had this huge epiphany, just because someone tells me that I need to head down a direction doesn’t mean that I have to. My life is mine to live. All the mess, heartbreak, love, joy and everything else is about living. Day-by-day and breath-by-breath.

People can guide me in a direction; however, I am meant to create karma in my life because through actions, we learn the most about ourselves and the direction that we are headed in. As co-creators in this universe, we still have to do the work that is backed by purpose and intention. Not from the outside-in, from the inside-out.

3 Izinto engifisa ukuthi ngabe ngazazi ngokuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo ngaphambi kokuba ngiqale ukuthandana.

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Sonke sizwe imishwana enjengokuthi, 'Izinduku namatshe kungahle kwephule amathambo ami kepha amagama awusoze angilimaze.' Lesi isitatimende esingamanga kakhulu sokuthola i-World. Ngeshwa, kubeke isisekelo sokuthi bangaki kithi abakwazi ukuhlukunyezwa ngokomoya ngaphandle kokubona ukuthi kuyenzeka kuze kube yilapho sesishiyile isimo noma umhlukumezi wenziwa nathi futhi sathatha lokho ababekufuna kithi.

Bengihlala ngikholelwa ukuthi wonke umuntu ulungile nokuthi wonke umuntu unenhloso enomusa, kuze kube ubudlelwane bami bokugcina bokuthandana, lapho ngabona khona ngokusobala ukuthi abafikanga enhlanganweni yethu ngezinhloso ezinhle. Eqinisweni, beza nezinhloso eziphambene. Ngabe sengiqala ukubheka emuva ebudlelwaneni obudala, hhayi obathandanayo kuphela, futhi ngabona umkhuba. Ungabuza, yini eyamthatha isikhathi eside kangaka ukuthi aqonde lokhu? Futhi, impendulo elula kunazo zonke ukuthi angifuni ukukholelwa ukuthi abanye abantu bazophuma nezindlela zabo zokungilimaza ngoba kuzofanela ngibone umhlaba ngelensi ehlukile. Umbono ohlukile wokuthi ngikhuliswe kanjani futhi ngibe umbandela womphakathi, wokuthi akuwona wonke umuntu ofuna ukuba ngumuntu ongcono.

* Uma ungathanda ukwazi kabanzi ngokwazi kwami ​​kwangaphambilini nangendlela engifinyelele ngayo kulokhu kuqonda, sicela ufunde izindatshana zami zangaphambilini.

Nazi izinto ezi-3 engifisa ukuthi ngazi ngazo ngokuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo ngaphambi kokuthi ngiqale ukuthandana:

1. Kungenzeka kunoma ngubani.

Sinalo mbono wokuthi abantu ababuthakathaka nabangenalwazi bayizisulu zokuhlukumeza abantu. Bangaba, yebo! Kodwa-ke, nawo wonke umuntu. Siphila esikweni elisekela ukuhlukunyezwa ngokomoya ngoba sikufihla, ikakhulukazi yilabo abasondele kakhulu kithi. Umkhuba ojwayelekile wokuhlukumeza ukuyeka ukuhlukunyezwa ngenkathi umhlukumezi edlulela komunye umuntu. Futhi, umjikelezo uyaqhubeka. Akukhona kuphela ukuthi umjikelezo uyaqhubeka nomhlukumezi; kepha, abantu abahlukumezekile bavame ukubekezelela ukuhlukumeza (nabo) ngoba benesimo futhi bekhohliswa ukuthi bacabange ukuthi ukuhlukunyezwa kufanelekile ngandlela thile noma kuyamukeleka.

Lapho ngichaza indlela umlingani wami wangaphambili angihlukumeza ngayo ngokomoya kwabanye abantu, ngahlangatshezwa ububele obuncane kakhulu futhi ngatshelwa imisho efana nokuthi, 'Hlala kude!', 'Zivikele!' Noma 'Myeke nje!' Lokho abantu abangaqondi ukuthi abahlukumezayo bazi kakhulu ngezenzo zabo futhi ngeke nje bashiye izisulu zabo bodwa ', bathola uhlobo lokweneliseka ngokuziphatha kokuphamba. Lo mjikelezo ungenzeka kunoma ngubani. Esikhundleni sokugwema ukuthi kwenzekeni kithina, kufanele sivulekele inqubo yabo yokuphulukisa futhi sibanikeze udumo ngamandla abawadingayo ukubekezelela isimo esinjengokuhlukumeza.

2. Zungeze nabantu abakukholwayo futhi abakwesekayo.

Iphutha elikhulu kakhulu engake nglenza ngenkathi ngisekuhlukumezeni ngokomzwelo ubudlelwane lalizungeze nabantu ababeqinisekisa ukuthi umhlukumezi uzothini kimi. Isibonelo, umlingani wami wangaphambili ubengibiza ngama-'fat' njalo. Ngenkathi ngitshela abanye abantu lokhu, ngatshelwa ukuthi ngangizwela ukuthinteka ngamazwi akhe noma ukuthi empeleni wayengasho njalo. Ngabakholelwa ngoba nganginokuthambekela kokuzwela, ngakho-ke kwakukhona iqiniso kulokho ababekusho. Kodwa-ke, asikho isizathu esisheshayo sokubiza umuntu omthandayo, 'fat'.

Uma ngibheka emuva, ngiyaqonda kahle ukuthi ukusabela kwabo bekuyinto edalwayo yalokho abakwamukelayo empilweni yabo. Njengoba ngishilo phambilini, siphila emphakathini owamukela ukuhlukunyezwa. Ngakho-ke, iningi labantu ngeke liqonde ukuthi kungani uzimela ngokumelana nokuhlukumezeka ngokomzwelo ngoba noma besebenzisa amaqhinga wokuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo ngokwabo. Noma, uyahlukunyezwa futhi unganaki ukuthi uzizwa kanjani ngoba ukwamukela lokho kuzoba nomthelela kwangempela labo nokuthi kusebenza kanjani.

3. Zethembe.

Endala engiyitholayo, kulapho engibona khona ukuthi ngangijwayele ukuzethemba kangakanani. Bengihlala nginemibono enembile, futhi, ngokubonga, umama wangiqinisekisa ngalokhu kusukela ngiseyingane. Nginezinkumbulo zokuthi sasiqonde ngqo kubantu abathile abaphumele ekuhlukumezeni abanye noma okube ngokokunye ngandlela thile.

Isibonelo, ngigwema ukubuka iCosby Show ngoba angikwazanga ukuma ngibheke ubaba. Akunasizathu esizwakalayo sokuthi kungani ngangizizwa ngendlela engangizizwa ngayo; Kuvele ukuthi benginokusola okuxexayo kwalokho okwembulwe emphakathini ngenqubo yokwahlulela. Ngobufakazi nangokuqiniseka, kuye kwafakazelwa kithi ukuthi ubengenazo izinhloso zomusa futhi ngenkathi ngiseyingane, ngikuzwile- ngakubona esikrinini sethelevishini. Ngeshwa, iningi lethu liqeqeshelwe ukwethemba abanye, imali kanye namalebuli ezenhlalo ngaphezu kwethu ngakho-ke siyahambisana nokuthi sinjani isimo, kuze kube sekuvezwa ukuthi isimo noma umuntu akuyona indawo ephephile ongaba kuyo.

Lapho unomuzwa wokuthi othile uvaliwe, kulungile ukulinda ukuba aziveze ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Kwesinye isikhathi singena ezimweni ezithile silwe nomuzwa wethu wesibeletho ngokwesaba ukuthi singase siphuthelwe isimo sothando. Kodwa-ke, uma lowo muntu ekufanele ukuba naye, ngeke anake ukuthatha izinto kancane. Ifulegi elibomvu elikhulu uma othile isola izifiso zakho zokuthatha isikhathi sakho ngoba ukushesha ungene esimeni sothando kuyisisekelo esiyinhloko sokuzalela umhlukumezi ukukukhohlisa ukuthi wenze okuphikisana nokuzithemba kwakho.

The 3 things that I wish I knew about emotional abuse before I started dating.

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We have all heard phrases like, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me.’ Which is a very false statement to project out into The World. Unfortunately, it has set the precedent for how many of us are able to be emotionally abused without even realizing that it is happening until we have left the situation or the abuser is done with us and taken what they wanted from us.

I used to believe that everyone was good and that everyone had kind intentions, until my last two romantic relationships, where I clearly saw that they didn’t come to our union with kind intentions. In fact, they came with opposite intentions. I then started to look back at former relationships, not only romantic ones, and saw a trend. You might ask, what took her so long to understand this? And, the most simple answer is that I didn’t want to believe that some people would go out of their way to harm me because then I would have to see the world through a different lens. A different point of view of how I had been raised and conditioned by society, that not everyone wants to be a better person.

*If you would like to know more about my previous realizations and how I have come to this understanding, please read my previous articles.

Here are 3 things that I wish I’d known about emotional abuse before I started dating:

1. It can happen to anyone.

We have this idea that people who are weak and ignorant are prey for abusive people. They might be, yes! However, so is everyone else. We live in a culture that supports emotional abuse because we hide it, particularly by those who are closest to us. The general trend of abuse is to silence the abused while the abuser moves on to someone else. And, the cycle continues. Not only does the cycle continue with the abuser; however, abused people often end up abusing (too) because they are conditioned and fooled into thinking that abuse is somehow appropriate or acceptable.

When I mentioned how my former partner emotionally abused me to some people, I was met with very little compassion and was told phrases like, ‘Stay away!’, ‘Keep yourself safe!’ Or ‘Just leave him alone’. What people don’t understand is that abusers are highly aware of their actions and will not just ‘leave their victims alone’, they receive a form of satisfaction from predatory behaviour. This cycle can happen to anyone. Instead of us shunning who it has happened to, we should be open to their process of healing and give them credit for the strength that they have needed to endure a situation like an abusive one.

2. Surround yourself with people who believe you and support you.

The biggest mistake that I ever made while I was in emotionally abuse relationships was surrounding myself with people who affirmed what the abuser would say to me. For example, my ex-fiancé would call me ‘fat’ frequently. When I told some people this, I was told that I was being sensitive for being affected by his words or that he didn’t really mean it. I believed them because I did have a tendency to be sensitive, so there was some truth to what they were saying. However, there is never an excuse for calling someone that you love, ‘fat’.

Looking back, I understand clearly that their response was a byproduct of what they accepted in their life. As I previously mentioned, we live in a society that accepts abuse. So, most people will not understand why you are standing up for yourself against emotional abuse because they either use emotionally abusive tactics themselves. Or, are being abused and ignore how you feel because them accepting it would have an effect on their reality and how they operate.

3. Trust yourself.

The older that I get, the more that I see how little I used to trust myself. I have always been intuitive and, thankfully, my mother affirmed me of this since I was a kid. I have memories of steering clear of certain people who turned out to be abusing others or turned out to be insincere in some of manner.

For example, I would avoid watching The Cosby Show because I couldn’t stand to look at the father. There was no solid reason for why I felt the way that I did; turns out that I had a sneaky suspicion of what has been revealed to the public through a judicial process. Through evidence and conviction, it has been proven to us that he has not had kind intentions and when I was a child, I felt it- even through the television screen. Unfortunately, most of us are trained to trust others, money and social labels more than ourselves so we go along with what the situation is, until it is revealed that a scenario or person is not a safe space to be in.

When you have a feeling about someone that is off, it is okay to wait for them to reveal themselves over time. Sometimes we rush into situations and go against our gut feeling for fear that we might lose out on a romantic situation. However, if that person is worth being with, they will not mind taking things slow. It is a major red flag if someone denounces your wishes to take your time because rushing into a romantic situation is prime breeding ground for an abuser to manipulate you into going against your self worth and intuition.

The 3 Things that I have learnt from being in an almost decade-long cycle of emotionally abusive relationships.

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As we end the year and another decade, I have found myself having nostalgia of the great memories from 2010-2019. I am (without a doubt) blessed and grateful; however, within these years, I have definitely experienced some deep emotional pain and relationships that were not ideal.

I am here today, proud of who I am because I decided to make the most of what was dealt to me. Sometimes, being in a cycle creates survival; however, I choose to thrive. The two are different. In honour of living the best life that I am able, I must be honest about my past. In my honesty, I hope to heal myself and others by revealing truths that we are usually too afraid to reveal.

Here are 3 things that I have learnt from my cycle of emotionally abusive relationships:

1. I can only save myself.

My first memory of wanting to be a saviour is when I was six and my mom came back from the hospital, after giving birth to my sister, with stitches on her belly. I deeply wanted to relieve her of her pain and kept asking her questions about how she got into that circumstance. I wanted to cure her of her stitches and make her fine right then and there. I was a kid, yes! However, I have always had a need to take people out of pain- hence why I am a yoga teacher and wellness coach. This attribute has been an advantage most of the time; however, it has sometimes been a disadvantage.

I have found myself wanting to relieve people from emotional pain and taking on their burden or relieving them of the work that they have to do to heal (themselves). I am able to influence another person; however, I am not able to do the work for them. We are all meant to work on ourselves, which is karma. Everything, including inner peace and wellbeing, requires our own work and self-healing.

2. I can say no.

In previous articles, I touch on how it has been difficult for me to say no in the past. This has been the most challenging thing to learn in my life because we do not live in a society that acknowledges boundaries. One could argue that we live in a society that promotes the lack of boundaries. As a black woman living in America and often being in corporate settings, saying no comes with a price. In fact, for anyone living in a corporate setting, saying no comes with a price because there might be someone else for the job who is cheaper and more available than you are. Corporations tend to feed into our insecurities.

In a corporate society, our personal lives follow suit. If you say ‘no’ to someone who you are romantically involved with, you risk them leaving you and finding someone else who will say yes. That instills fear within us which continues the cycle of self-doubt and lack of self-worth. It has taken me a long time to be able to believe with every fiber of my being that if I work hard enough, am truthful enough and open enough, everything that is meant for me will find me. This knowing has helped me release people, situations and things that feed off of me not feeling good enough.

3. I always have a say.

I’ve been pretty honest about how my last relationship highlighted how I had been in emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships in the past without even being aware of it. You might be asking, how did she not recognize it? Because when you live it, it is challenging to step away from it. I am grateful for every single former relationship because it had a purpose. Particularly the last one because it helped me heal the trauma that I had developed as a kid. I have also mentioned how I grew up with an emotionally abusive older sibling that subconsciously taught me that abuse is okay as long as no one else knows about it. There were no bruises but my self-worth was compromised.

As an adult, in romantic relationships, I would hide when my fiancé would call me fat, when my boyfriend would disappear for two weeks or when another boyfriend and I decided to get pregnant and, he disappeared. My silence festered this cycle. And, we all know that darkness is the prime location for breeding negativity, toxicity and secrets. It took me being in a relationship with a well-known Producer who would lie, cheat and blame me for his actions for me to see the pattern that had been going on in my life. I had attracted and entertained emotionally abusive people.

It took an exaggerated form like this where I still have to hear the music that he made about me on radio and public places to remind me of the role that I played. Who I am today is very different to the person that I was when we met, two years ago. I used to think that someone who I admired knowing me, being influenced by me and seeing me meant that it was cosmic divinity. However, now I understand that me seeing myself, recognizing my self-worth and my truth is the most magic that I will ever experience in this lifetime.

3 choses que j'apprends sur la guérison d'une rupture.

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Je suis totalement coupable d'être dur envers moi-même. Cela s'est amélioré au fil du temps, mais j'ai un esprit analytique et j'ai utilisé cette façon critique de penser pour progresser après être passé de situations précédentes, en particulier les relations amoureuses.

Cependant, après ce dernier, je me suis promis d'être doux et de pratiquer la compassion avec moi-même afin de pouvoir être présent et rayonner de l'amour. Pour moi et pour les autres. Cette pratique, comme toute autre chose, requiert pardon et persévérance. Je suis mis au défi par l'Univers de répondre à l'occasion et ce fut un merveilleux voyage continu.

Voici 3 choses que j'apprends sur la guérison d'une rupture:

1. M'accorder du crédit est important.

Dans le passé, j'ai été sévère avec moi-même et j'ai oublié de m'attribuer le mérite de tout ce que j'ai bien fait. En raison de ma dureté, je ne me donnerais pas la chance de respirer et d'absorber ce qui s'est passé dans le passé parce que j'étais tellement concentré sur la réalisation de ma liste. Dans le processus, j'ai aussi oublié de regarder ce que je faisais bien. L'auto-soutien et la confiance en soi enlèvent le besoin de les rechercher auprès des autres, fournissant une base solide pour l'amour-propre et l'acceptation.

2. La croissance est un processus.

J'avais l'habitude d'avoir cette idée que la croissance signifiait toujours aller de l'avant. Mais, parfois, cela signifie tomber, pleurer, être en colère ou toute autre émotion et action que nous pouvons considérer comme faible ou négative. Hier, j'étais en réunion dans un café et une chanson que mon ancien partenaire avait écrite à mon sujet est apparue sur la chaîne stéréo. J'ai bien agi et je l'ai ignoré jusqu'à ce que, plus tard, je me retrouve à pleurer parce que je n'avais pas vraiment ressenti comment je ressentais vraiment le moment où j'ai entendu la chanson. Quand je pleurais, j'avais des souvenirs des bons moments et de la belle musique qui était créée à partir de son expression d'amour envers moi. Et puis je me suis souvenu de la suite. Je me suis demandé comment nous nous sommes retrouvés dans la position que nous avions et c'était profondément bouleversant. Je suis humain et être humain nécessite d'accepter les imperfections. Je ne suis pas un robot et je ne suis pas censé l'être. Je serai bouleversé par le passé et ça va. Cette fois, au lieu d'avoir toujours besoin d'être fort, j'accepte qu'être «faible» et émotif fasse également partie du processus.

3. Je n'ai pas besoin de tout avoir tout le temps.

En tant qu'ancienne danseuse et entourée de femmes fortes tout au long de ma vie, j'ai toujours ressenti la pression de toujours avoir tout ensemble, tout le temps. Ce qui est impossible. Donc, pour défier la loi de la folie (faire quelque chose de la même manière et attendre un résultat différent), je choisis de me libérer de cette idée. Si je finis par pleurer sur une situation, ça va. Mon monde ne s'écroulera pas, les gens ne me considéreront pas comme faible et je ne deviendrai pas une mauvaise personne si je ne mets pas toujours un visage de bravoure, de positivité et de force. Parfois, la chose la plus nourrissante que nous puissions faire est de nous détacher de la notion que nous sommes censés être parfaits, afin que nous puissions faire de la place à d'autres qui sont imparfaits et s'embrasser dans un lieu aimable et compatissant.

3 Things that I am learning about healing from a break-up.

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I’m totally guilty of being hard on myself. It has gotten better over time but I have an analytical mind and have used this critical way of thinking to progress after moving forward from previous situations, particularly romantic relationships.

However, after this past one, I made a promise to myself to be soft and practice compassion with myself so that I can be present and radiate love. For myself and for others. This practice, just like anything else, requires forgiveness and persistence. I am being challenged by The Universe to rise to the occasion and it has been a wonderful continuous journey.

Here are 4 things that I am learning about healing from a break-up:

1. Giving myself credit is important.

In the past, I have been harsh with myself and in the process have forgotten to give myself credit for all the things that I have done right. As a result of my harshness, I wouldn’t give myself a chance to breathe and absorb what happened in the past because I was so focused on getting my list done. In the process, I forgot to look at what I was doing right, too. Self-support and self-assurance takes away the need to seek it from others, providing a grounded foundation for self-love and acceptance.

2. Growth is a process.

I used to have this notion that growth always meant moving forward. But, sometimes, it means falling, crying, being angry or any other emotion and actions that we may view as weak or negative. Yesterday, I was in a meeting at a coffee shop and a song that my former partner had written about me came on the stereo. I acted fine and ignored it until, later I found myself crying because I hadn’t dealt with how I truly felt the moment that I heard the song. When I was crying, I had memories of the good times and the beautiful music that was created from his expression of love towards me. And then I remembered how it turned out. I asked myself, how we ended up in the position that we had been and it was deeply upsetting. I am human and being human requires accepting imperfections. I am not a robot and not meant to be. I will feel upset about the past and it is okay. This time instead of always needing to be strong, I am accepting that being ‘weak’ and emotional is a part of the process, too.

3. I don’t have to have everything together all the time.

As a former dancer and being surrounded by strong females throughout my life, I have continually felt the pressure to always have everything together, all the time. Which is impossible. So, to defy the law of insanity (doing something the same way and expecting a different result), I am choosing to free myself of this idea. If I end up crying about a situation, it is okay. My world will not come crumbling down, people won’t look at me as weak and, I will not become a bad person if I don’t always put on a face of bravery, positivity and strength. Sometimes the most nourishing thing that we can do is to detach ourselves from the notion that we are meant to be perfect, so that we can make space for others who are imperfect and embrace one another from a kind and compassionate place.

What my narcissistic toxic relationship revealed to me about what I needed to heal from my childhood.

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It’s no secret that I am dealing with a narcissistic ex-boyfriend who continues to harass me and starve for my attention. To get to me, he has hacked my phone, made a few popular songs about me and has made threats of my financial security without him. *Please read my former love articles to be updated on this romantic relationship.

He will continue to do what he does. I am physically safe; however, his emotionally abuse tactics have left my sanity and well-being threatened.

After I left the relationship, I made a decision to heal whatever needed to heal so that I would not allow this form of behaviour in my life again. In the process of healing, I noticed that I also had a few friends with similar behavior to his. So, I did some research and sought out advice from narcissistic abuse experts who revealed that we often allow abusive behaviour if we have grown up in that environment.

My first thoughts were that my parents were supportive. Sure, they are human but I know that they did the best that they could. Following this thought, I had a plethora of memories of how my older sibling emotionally (and sometimes physically) abused me for many years growing up as a kid and into my early adulthood.

I thought that I had dealt with this person (my family member) by cutting them off and no longer engaging in their abusive ways; but I forgot that the biggest thing that the abuser leaves with the abused is a mindset that they are weak, not enough and should feel guilty for how they feel.

Here are 3 things that have been revealed to me that I need to heal from my childhood.

1. Feeling like I can’t speak up.

Family abuse creates a culture of silence and as though the abused can’t speak up for themself. What elders in the situation often don’t understand or realize is that abuse begins with psychological training of the abused so that they won’t speak up. This is no shade to anyone in my life because I know that I was loved and raised from love; however, when I would let some of older family members know of how she treated me, it was often met with phrases like, ‘that’s your blood’, ‘that’s just the way that she is’ or, ‘I’m sure she could say the same about you.’

This subconsciously trained me into thinking that I couldn’t speak up for myself. I am clearly older now and sometimes still have difficulty being truthful or honest because we live in a culture that silences the abused as opposed to dealing with the abuser. I’m not sure exactly why. However, I am re-learning that my truth is more valuable than keeping people around who try to hush me for it, for my sanity and well-being.

2. We live in a culture that supports abusers.

As I previously mentioned, when I would let some elders know about how my older sibling would emotionally abuse me by calling me fat, inadequate and that I would never be loved, the common response was not to take it seriously. This created a belief system in me that if I was being abused or targeted by someone, ignoring it will help it go away- which is completely untrue. Abusers receive satisfaction from going out of their way to abuse their victims so ignoring it will not stop it- only confronting it will. We are all guilty of supporting some form of abuse and, the most common version of this is bullying. I’ve often heard that bullying is necessary because it makes you stronger; however, when you are being bullied or abused, that is the last thing that you are thinking about. The main thing that bullying does is train the person who is bullied that they are less than and need to make up for it by putting up with unhealthy behaviour because the abuser will leave behind these thoughts in the bullied persons thought system.

3. Abusers are not the same person to everyone.

I was watching a video of emotional abuse by Meredith Miller on YouTube and, she said that the classic traits of someone who is abusive is that they become a different person daily. Not meaning that people have different moods; it is as though you are dealing with a completely different person than you did the day before without doing anything to spark this change. It can make you feel like you are walking on eggshells.

While dealing with my older sibling for many years growing up, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and as though she was a ticking time bomb. In general, when I voiced concern, people would emphasize what she had done for me and as though she would give me so much. But, this is what abusers do: they create a façade to everyone else that they are kind and loving towards their abused so that they can continue their abuse. There are many theories for this but at the core of it is that the abuser needs healing and covering up what they have done or continue to do doesn’t help anyone (including the abuser) because the sooner that they can receive healing, the sooner they can make peace with what has led to them behaving this way in the first place.

*If you or anyone that you know is being emotionally or physically abused, please seek help. Your sanity, livelihood and well-being are too important to put at stake.

Lo que desearía haber sabido antes de salir con un narcisista.

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Hace un mes, corté a mi ex novio. Había llegado al punto en que ya no podía tenerlo en mi vida. A pesar de que habíamos estado separados por casi seis meses y había dejado mi relación, estaba claro que él todavía quería volver a ser mi compañero. Y haría "cualquier cosa" (como lo expresó) para que esto suceda.

Una vez que corté los lazos con él, prometí no hablar más de él ni nada más que las muchas lecciones que aprendí de lo que tuvimos juntos. Ingenuamente pensé que él lo entendería, pero había olvidado que mi ex pareja tenía tendencias narcisistas. De hecho, creo que es un narcisista. * Consulte mi artículo sobre enamorarse de un narcisista en nuestra sección de amor.

A medida que avanzo con mi vida, él está haciendo todo lo que está en su poder para mantenerme involucrado en su vida y su paradero. Sin embargo, como un verdadero Acuario, cuando he pasado de una relación romántica, no hay vuelta atrás.

Sé que no puedo retroceder el reloj, no quisiera. Y prometí no hablar de eso. Sin embargo, creo que debo transmitir esta información a alguien que la necesita.

Aquí hay 3 cosas que desearía haber sabido antes de salir con un narcisista:

1. El amor no es una competencia o una pelea.

Soy una persona muy competitiva y creo en dar lo mejor de mí; Sin embargo, algunas situaciones no son sobre ganar o perder. Especialmente cuando se trata de amar. Cuando comencé a salir con mi ex pareja, él me dijo que me convencería. Pensé que era peculiar porque no estaba interesado en nadie más. Pero, pensó y creyó lo contrario. Si no estaba peleando con alguien que creía que estaba interesado en mí, me pelearía por mi libertad y me preguntaría agresivamente dónde había estado cuando no lo había visto en unas pocas horas. Noté un profundo deseo en él de ganar a toda costa, incluso si eso significaba pelear conmigo en el proceso. Hasta el día de hoy, él todavía está en guerra conmigo y la decisión que he tomado de no estar más con él. Pero eso no es amor verdadero. El amor puro comprende y reconoce que si alguien está hecho para ti, no tendrás que luchar por ello. Proponer esfuerzo y luchar son dos cosas diferentes.

2. Las acciones hablan más que las palabras.

Aunque he escuchado esto decir más de una docena de veces, es difícil comprender lo que realmente significa. En una cultura que pone el romance en un pedestal, es difícil entender si alguien está siendo auténtico en lo que dice o si es para mostrar. Pensé que mi ex estaba presentando acciones por sus gestos grandiosos: escribir canciones sobre mí, publicar carteles publicitarios y proclamar cómo no podría vivir sin mí. Poco sabía, no tenía intención de esforzarse porque eso significaría hacer algo que no giraba en torno a él. Y, con los narcisistas, su mundo se trata de ellos mismos.

Me cansé de escuchar la misma historia de cómo cambiaría, iría a terapia y seguiría adelante con su comportamiento egoísta. Al final, entendí que vale la pena para él y su éxito vivir la vida que él está viviendo. No tuvo nada que ver conmigo.

3. No es personal.

Algunos amigos me han enviado una ruptura muy pública que tuvo con su ex novia hace una década. Anteriormente había evitado leerlo porque no me gusta juzgar a las personas en función de su pasado; Sin embargo, mucho de lo que ella dice que le sucedió es lo que él está tratando de hacerme actualmente. Está difundiendo palabras negativas sobre mi personaje, lo que le hice e incluso me ha deseado la muerte. ¡Suena dramático, lo sé! Porque los narcisistas no pueden manejar el rechazo. He decidido tomar lo bueno y seguir adelante independientemente. Su comportamiento no se trata de mí y si se lo devuelvo, pareceré más loco que él. Desafortunadamente, vivimos en una sociedad en la que cuando una mujer dice su verdad, es horrible, pero cuando un hombre hace lo mismo, es su verdad. No siempre, pero la mayoría del tiempo.

He aprendido que no hay necesidad de alimentar el fuego. Él puede pensar y decirle a la gente que soy la peor persona viva, pero sé en mi corazón que soy un alma amable. Saber quién soy y lo que defiendo es protección contra cualquier forma de negatividad innecesaria.

Il m'a fallu admettre que je suis humain pour arriver jusqu'à moi.

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Il m'a fallu admettre que je suis humain pour arriver jusqu'à moi.

Il m'a fallu posséder mes regrets pour arriver jusqu'à moi.

Il m'a fallu me pardonner pour me rejoindre.

Il m'a fallu pardonner aux autres pour me rejoindre.

Il m'a fallu accepter que tout le monde n'a pas de bonnes intentions pour moi, pour arriver jusqu'à moi.

Il m'a fallu fixer des limites saines pour me rejoindre.

Il m'a fallu accepter que la chute fait partie du processus pour arriver jusqu'à moi.

Il m'a fallu me relever (encore et encore) pour me rejoindre.

Il m'a fallu choisir de croire en moi pour me rejoindre.

Il m'a fallu lâcher prise sur les gens et les choses qui correspondent à mon objectif, pour arriver jusqu'à moi.

Il m'a fallu admettre que je ne suis pas un ange pour me rejoindre.

Il m'a fallu réaliser que dans ce corps humain, mes imperfections sont une chance de grandir - de m'atteindre.

What I wish I’d known before I dated a narcissist.

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A month ago, I cut off my ex-boyfriend. It had gotten to the point where I could no longer have him in my life. Even though, we had been broken up for almost six months and I had moved on from our relationship, it was clear that he still wanted to be my partner again. And, would do ‘anything’ (as he phrased) to make it happen.

Once I severed ties with him, I promised to no longer speak about him or anything other than the many lessons that I learnt from what we had together. I naïvely thought that he would understand but, I had forgotten that my ex-partner had narcissistic tendencies. In fact, I believe that he is a narcissist. *Please refer to my article about falling in love with a narcissist in our love section.

As I move on with my life, he is doing everything in his power to keep me engaged in his life and whereabouts. However, as a true Aquarius, when I have moved on from a romantic relationship, there is no turning back.

I know that I can’t turn back the clock, I wouldn’t want to. And, I promised not to speak about it. However, I believe that I am meant to pass on this information to someone who needs it.

Here are 3 things that I wish I’d known before I dated a narcissist:

1. Love is not a competition or a fight.

I’m a very competitive person and believe in doing my best; however, some situations are not about winning or losing. Especially when it comes to love. When I first started dating my former partner, he told me that he would win me over. I thought that it was peculiar because I wasn’t interested in anyone else. But, he thought and believed otherwise. If he wasn’t fighting someone else who he believed to be interested in me, he would fight me about my freedom and aggressively ask me where I had been when I hadn't seen him for a few hours. I noticed a deep desire in him to win at all costs, even if it meant fighting me in the process. To this day, he is still at war with me and the decision that I have made to no longer be with him. But, that is not true love. Pure love understands and acknowledges that if someone is meant for you, you won’t have to fight for it. Putting forward effort and fighting are two different things.

2. Actions speak louder than words.

Even though I have heard this saying over a dozen times, it is hard to fathom what it truly means. In a culture that puts romance on a pedestal, it is hard to understand if someone is being authentic in what they say or it is for show. I thought that my ex was putting forward actions by his grandiose gestures: writing songs about me, posting billboards and proclaiming how he couldn’t live without me. Little did I know, he had no intention of putting in effort because that would mean doing something that wasn’t revolved around him. And, with narcissists, their World is all about themselves.

I got tired of hearing the same story of how he would change, go to therapy and move forward from his selfish behaviour. At the end of it, I understood that it is worth it for him and his success to live the life that he is living. It had nothing to do with me.

3. It’s not personal.

A few friends have sent me a very public break-up that he had with his ex-girlfriend a decade ago. I had previously avoided reading it because I don’t like to judge people based on their past; however, a lot of what she claims happened to her is what he is currently trying to do to me. He is spreading negative words about my character, what I did to him and has even wished death upon me. Sounds dramatic, I know! Because narcissists can’t handle rejection. I have decided to take the good and move forward regardless. His behaviour is not about me and if I reciprocate it back to him, I will look crazier than he does. Unfortunately, we live in a society that when a woman speaks her truth, she is awful but when a man does the same, it is his truth. Not always, but most of the time.

I have learnt that there is no need to fuel fire. He can think and tell people that I am the worst person alive but I know in my heart that I am a kind soul. Knowing who I am and what I stand for is protection against any form of un-necessary negativity.

What it took to get to me-part 4.

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It took me admitting that I am human to get to me.

It took me owning my regrets, to get to me.

It took me forgiving myself to get to me.

It took me forgiving others to get to me.

It took me accepting that not everyone has good intentions for me, to get to me.

It took me setting healthy boundaries to get to me.

It took me accepting that falling is a part of the process, to get to me.

It took me picking myself up (over and over) to get to me.

It took me choosing to believe in myself to get to me.

It took me letting go of people and things that are in alignment with my purpose, to get to me.

It took me admitting that I am no angel to get to me.

It took me realizing that in this human body, my imperfections are a chance to grow- to get to me.

4 raisons pour lesquelles je ne détesterai pas mon ex.

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J’ai été assez ouvert sur mon bonheur d’être célibataire et sans mon ancien partenaire. Parfois, cependant, nous pouvons confondre de telles déclarations en tant que raison de haïr quelqu'un ou quelqu'un de ce monde. Mais personne ne mérite autant d’énergie et d’efforts, surtout si c’est négatif.

J'ai appris beaucoup de choses sur les relations en étant en eux et avec les gens autour de moi. Et l’une des principales choses que j’ai apprises, c’est que lorsque vous détestez quelqu'un, il contrôle votre vie. C'est certainement beaucoup plus facile à dire qu'à faire. Mais, je crois que si on me demande d’être une personne plus forte, je peux et je saurai me montrer à la hauteur de la situation.

Voici 4 raisons pour lesquelles je ne détesterai jamais mon ex:

1. La haine est le pouvoir négatif à son apogée.

C’est facile à détester. Je le sais parce que j'ai passé beaucoup de temps dans ma vie à haïr les gens pour m'avoir traité d'une certaine manière, en pensant d'une manière particulière ou juste pour être différent. Mais ce que j’ai compris à ce sujet, c’est que la seule personne qu’elle affecte vraiment est The Hater. La haine construit des murs, crée de l'animosité et de la tension. Ce que je vivrais si je décidais de le haïr. Si je crois vraiment qu'il est important d'améliorer le monde, il est de ma responsabilité de m'assurer de faire de mon mieux. Cela implique de libérer de la haine pour des personnes qui, je pense, m'ont fait du tort.

2. Il est humain.

Je crois en la transparence et mentirais si je disais que son comportement ne me gêne parfois pas. Même si ses actions envers moi sont actuellement vengeantes et en colère; Je vois encore un humain. Oui, j’ai choisi de ne pas être avec lui, mais je n’ai pas besoin de le diffamer comme il essaie de me faire mal. Son chemin est le sien; le mien est à moi. Si je réagis à son comportement avec la même énergie, je le nourris. Alors, je préférerais que ça aille de l'avant et que je continue ma vie.

3. Je suis humain.

Lorsque nous avons rompu, nous avons essayé si fort de le faire de manière pacifique parce que j'avais peur d'être considéré comme méchant ou méchant, en particulier en tant que femme. Je n’ai jamais été capable d’être ami avec aucun de mes ex et cela m’a affecté. J'avais le fardeau profond de devoir être ami avec mes anciens partenaires parce que beaucoup de personnes que je connais peuvent le faire. En l'honneur de cela, je me suis plié en quatre pour essayer d'apaiser mon récent ex parce que j'avais peur d'être mal vu. Je ne voulais pas que quelqu'un me qualifie de personne qui ne peut pas garder une relation ou rester cordiale avec la personne avec laquelle elle a passé tant de temps. Il le savait et s'en servait contre moi. C'est de l'eau sous le pont. Cependant, je comprends tout à fait que je suis humain et que je ne dois pas toujours être vu sous le meilleur jour. Je dois prendre la bonne décision pour moi et pour ma santé, que cela plaise ou non. Je suis d'accord avec les gens qui me jugent parce que je ne suis qu'un humain et que je ne vivrai pas selon les normes des autres, je ne suis pas censé le faire.

4. La haine c'est créer des liens.

Si j'en ai vraiment fini avec mon ancienne relation, il n'y a plus de raison de la conserver. Ce n’est pas tous les jours que l’on pense à la pêche et au rose lorsque je pense à lui, surtout quand on voit combien il a pour moi de négativité à l’heure actuelle parce que j’entends des chansons qu’il a écrites sur moi et qui jouent fréquemment. Je ne suis pas une victime; Je peux ressentir ce que j'ai besoin de ressentir et avancer ensuite dans la paix car lorsque nous nous sentons extrêmement passionnés (de manière positive ou négative), nous restons liés à cette personne. J'ai choisi de le relâcher quoi qu'il puisse dire ou faire, car le passé ne vaut pas la peine d'être lié.

4 Reasons why I will never hate my Ex.

I’ve been pretty open about how happy I am being single and without my former partner. Sometimes, however, we can confuse statements like this as a reason to hate someone or anyone in this World. But, no one deserves that much energy and effort- especially if it’s negative.

I’ve learnt many things about relationships from being in them and from people around me. And, one of the major things that I have learnt is that when you hate someone, they control your life. It is definitely much easier said than done. But, I believe that if I am being asked to be a stronger person, I can and will rise to the occasion.

Here are 4 reasons why I will never hate my ex:

1. Hate is negative power at its height.

It’s easy to hate. I know because I’ve spent a lot of my life hating people for treating me a certain way, thinking a particular way or for just for being different. But, what I have understood about this is that the only person it really affects is The Hater. Hate builds walls, creates animosity and tension. All of which, I would be experiencing if I choose to hate him. If I truly believe in making The World a better place, then it is my responsibility to ensure that I do the best that I can. That involves releasing hate for people who I believe to have done me wrong.

2. He is human.

I believe in transparency and would be lying if I said that his behaviour doesn’t sometimes bother me. Even though his actions towards me are currently vengeful and angry; I still see a human. Yes, I have chosen to not be with him but I don’t have to vilify him like he is trying to do to me. His path is his; mine is my own. If I respond to his behaviour with the same energy, I am fueling it. So, I would rather let it go and move on with my life.

3. I am human.

When we first broke up, I tried so hard to do it in a peaceful way because I was afraid of being seen as mean or evil- especially as a woman. I’ve never been able to be friends with any of my exes and that has affected me. I carried a deep burden that I need to be friends with my former partners because a lot of people that I know can. In honour of this, I bent over backwards trying to appease my recent ex because I was afraid to be seen in a bad light. I didn’t want anyone to label me as the one who can’t keep a relationship or stay cordial with the person that she spent so much time with. He knew this and used it against me. It is water under the bridge. However, I understand fully that I am human and that I don’t have to always be seen in the best light. I have to make the right decision for me and my health, whether anyone else likes it or not. I am okay with people judging me because I am only human and I will not live according to other people’s standards- I am not meant to.

4. Hate is bonding.

If I am truly done with my former relationship then there is no reason to hold on to it anymore. Not everyday is peachy and rosy when I think about him, particularly when it is visible how much negativity he has for me right now because I hear songs that he wrote about me that play frequently. I am not a victim; I can feel what I need to feel and then move on with peace because when we feel extremely passionate (in a good or bad way) we stay tied to that person. I have chosen to release him no matter what he might say or do to me because the past is not worth being tied down to.

Lo que se necesitó para llegar a mí, parte 3.

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Me tomó la sobriedad con claridad llegar a mí.



Me tomó admitir lo que había hecho mal para llegar a mí.



Me tomó perdonarme para llegar a mí.



Me tomó perdonar a las personas a mi alrededor para llegar a mí.



Me tomó soltar lo que no puedo controlar para llegar a mí.



Me llevó mirarme al espejo para llegar a mí.



Me tomó liberar la venganza para llegar a mí.



Me tomó permitirme brillar, llegar a mí.



Me llevó soltar a las personas amenazadas por mí para llegar a mí.



Me llevó estar agradecido por cada cosa (incluidas las cosas que me han lastimado) en mi vida para llegar a mí.



Me tomó cambiar mi mentalidad para llegar a mí.



Me llevó reconocer lo que es saludable para mí, llegar a mí.



Me llevó elegir salud y bienestar para llegar a mí.

What it took to get to me. Part 3

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What it took to get to me- part 3

It took sobering up with clarity to get to me.

It took admitting what I had done wrong to get to me.

It took me forgiving myself to get to me.

It took me forgiving people around me to get to me.

It took letting go of what I can’t control to get to me.

It took me looking in the mirror to get to me.

It took me releasing vengeance to get to me.

It took me allowing myself to shine, to get to me.

It took letting go of people who are threatened by me to get to me.

It took me being grateful for every single thing (including things that have hurt me) in my life to get to me.

It took shifting my mindset to get to me.

It took me recognizing what is healthy for me, to get to me.

It took me choosing health and wellness to get to me.

I fell in love with a narcissist and these are 3 things that I learnt from my experience.

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If someone had told me that I would’ve fallen in love with a narcissist, I would tell them that it was not possible and refuse to believe them. So, when I did fall in love with one, it felt like I was going crazy.

*According to the traditional dictionary, a narcissist is a person who is overly self-involved, often vain and selfish.

All the red flags were there; however, I ignored them because I didn’t want to believe that I was dumb enough or someone else could be manipulative enough to have the characteristics that he had. And, the worst part is that the class narcissistic traits didn’t show up in the beginning, they unfolded during our relationship. Until, I mustered every ounce of strength within me to move on from him and his toxic behaviour.
Now that I have let that relationship go, it is clear to me what happened and I can see that I was in love with a narcissist.

Here are 3 Things that I learnt from the experience:

1. The real thing is worth waiting for.

As a classic narcissist, this man would tell me everything that I wanted to hear. When we met, I had just moved to Los Angeles and had admired his music. I manifested meeting him and when we met, he made it known that he wanted to be with me. I was apprehensive because I didn’t want to be with another person who was famous (I had dated a well-known person before), and I also had a lot of issues with how he treated women. His music videos were bombarded with naked women and I became embarrassed of what my family would think if I dated (or even) married him.

I resisted being in a relationship with him and as a result, he would follow me and make sure that his presence was known. He put up billboards near where I frequented, got people to play songs that he had written about me around me and would mimic my behaviour about wellness so that I would think he was a person who was evolving and working on himself. He portrayed an image to me of someone who I would consider giving a chance to have in my life. As his mask began to crumble, I noticed his inauthenticity and that he was putting on a façade so that I wouldn’t leave our relationship. The only problem is that he wasn’t being authentic. Who he presented himself to me as was a different person to who he actually was, I started to figure this out.

This taught me that the person who is worthy of being with will take time. If someone wants to shower you with love and what you want to hear, they might be avoiding revealing a big part of themselves to you: their true selves.

2. Our intuition is power.

This was the biggest lesson that I took from this relationship. There is a reason why it took me so long to go on a date with him in the first place because I was never really into him. I knew that there was something he was hiding and I had a feeling that he wasn’t being true or honest with me and mostly, with himself. I have always been intuitive; however, where people who take advantage of me get me is by trying to make me believe that I am not a good person because I aim to be kind and considerate to everyone until you have proven to me that my kindness will go to waste. Which, is what he did.

I started dating him out of compassion, then I started to see that I was sacrificing a part of myself. Once I noticed that I was losing myself, I would try and end things. Which is when the manipulation would start. He would tell me that his life would be nothing without me or that he couldn’t live without me. After we broke up, I became his friend because he was doing badly and I felt remorse for him and his kids. He used this as a way to ask for my hand in marriage. He asked me to marry him almost everyday for two weeks. I was so exhausted, I almost said ‘Yes’ to get him off my back but then I remembered the pain that he had caused me that led me to break up with him in the first place.

I knew in the beginning that the outcome would be as is, before anything happened because my intuition knew that he was not in alignment with being authentic or coming from a good place. Now, I listen to that voice because that nudge is a gift from God that could save me from experiences that are avoidable.

3. Asking to be with someone kind is not asking for too much.

During The Summer, I initially broke up with him because I had found something that disturbed me on his Instagram story. He was on a yacht with two women and he was pressed up against a woman from behind. No man who is in a monogamous relationship with a woman should be doing this with another woman. We had had discussions of how this behaviour had previously upset me, so the fact that he continued to do it pushed me to my edge. He spent some time trying to get me back while I was going through one of the hardest times of my life.

I had discovered that I had an unknown stalker who I woke up to on my dining room floor professing his love for me. Most people that I told this story to were upset and concerned but, not him. In fact, he didn’t even care. He didn’t ask how I was doing or was even bothered because he (ultimately) had no respect for me as a person. This was a huge sign and I distanced myself from him even more after this because I realized that not all company is good company. I didn’t want to just keep him around for the sake of having an extra body in my life. I want people in my life who genuinely care about me and are kind enough to ask if I am okay when something horrific happens. Asking to be around kind and considerate people isn’t asking for too much.

Since we have broken up, he has said the most vile things about me and has sent hate and negative vibes my way. But, I am not bothered or affected. I learnt what I needed to learn from the situation. I still love him but from a distance and through a different lens. I see with clarity that people who abuse me, speak badly of me, are disloyal and unkind do not deserve me.

Dear Future Husband,

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Dear Future Husband,

I feel you near and I look forward to you’re very arrival because I want to give to you what I have found within myself: stability, love and nurture.

I know what you have been through and I will never shame you for it. Everything that you went through you had to, to be the person you are and you are magic! You are beautiful in every way.

I can feel our love beyond surfaces and what meets the eye. It electrifies me and fills me with joy and excitement.

Now I know why I went through everything that I went through, it was to get to me and then, to get to you. Your courage, your knowledge, your voice, your smile, your respect for women and your understanding of life. The list goes and-on-and-on of things that make you lovable.

I’ve learnt that waiting causes pain and suffering so I will live my life with joy, happiness and love and, hope that you do the same. You deserve love, happiness, stability and joy. If I am not the one to provide to you, I hope you align yourself with someone who is worthy of your time and affection.

I love you,

Hali

Izindima ezi-4 engizenzile ngidlala ebudlelwaneni.

Bengingashadi ezinyangeni eziyisithupha ezedlule futhi ngithole ithuba lokungena shí emiqondweni yami, engikuthandayo kanye nenjongo yami yempilo. Ukungasho ukuthi lokhu akwenzeki uma usebudlelwaneni; nokho, uhlobo lobambiswano ebengikade nginalo ngaphambili, ngabanikeza okungaphezu kwalokho engangikuthola emuva.

Anginayo inzondo maqondana nanoma yikuphi ukukhululwa kwami. Ngibathanda kakhulu futhi ngibafisela okuhle. Bangabantu abahle futhi bangisizile ukwakheka kwami ​​ukuthi ngibe namuhla. Angixhumani neningi lazo, kwesinye isikhathi engidabukisayo ngalo ngoba ngikholelwa ukuthi uma wabelane ngohambo oluhle nomunye umuntu, asikho isidingo sokuphatha kabi noma ukubacasukela. Bonke ubuhlobo bunosuku lokuphelelwa isikhathi.

Ubudlelwano bami bokugcina, obuphela ngoJuni, buqinisa ezinye zezifundo ezinkulu kakhulu engake ngazithinta ngaphambili. Ingxenye yesizathu sokuthi yenzeka kungenxa yokuthi umlingani wami wangaphambili wayaziwa kakhulu futhi kwesinye isikhathi, ngodumo kuza nokungahambi kahle, ubuthi futhi abantu bakhangwa umbono we-facade. Yize ngisamthanda lo mlisa, kuyacaca impela ukuthi asihloselwe ukuba ndawonye ekubambeni isikhathi eside, kodwa kulungile. Akuyona yonke into ebalulekile futhi eshintsha impilo edinga ukuzibophezela isikhathi eside. Kwesinye isikhathi abantu nezinto beza ezimpilweni zethu ukusifundisa okuthile noma ezimbili bese sihlukana ngezindlela.

Ngalobu budlelwano obudlule, ngifunde izinto eziningi. In iningi labo, ngadlala indima. Noma yisiphi isihloko engisidlalile size nomhlatshelo, wami. Bengihlala ngikholelwa ukuthi ngidinga ukuncela ingxenye yokuthi ngingubani / ukuthi ngithandwe- okuyinto engamanga amakhulu.

Uthando lweqiniso luqala ngokwamukela futhi manje njengoba sengithole lolo hlobo lothando lwami, ngingahlonishwa ukuluhlanganyela nolunye.

Nazi izindima ezi-4 engizenziwe ngidlala ebudlelwaneni:

1. I-'iphelele '.

Kwakuwusuku lwami lweshumi nanhlanu lokuzalwa lapho ubaba angifonela khona ezongitshela ukuthi usendleleni futhi akazange abuye. Akagcinanga lapho kodwa akazange abonakale kodwa angikaze ngimbone. Unqume ukuthi akafuni ukuba yingxenye yomndeni wethu. Lobuhlungu engabufihla iminyaka eminingi ngesimo sokudinga ukupheleliswa ngoba, ngokuzithoba, ngangicabanga ukuthi yisona sizathu esenza ashiye. Ngigcinile imfihlo eyayivela kubangane bami abaseduze ngoba izimpilo zabo zazibonakala zilungile futhi ngesaba ukuthi uma ngiphula isikhunta 'esihle', ngeke ngithandeke kunoma ngubani. Le nkolelo yilokho engabambelela kuyo kuze kube muva nje. Bengikholelwa ukuthi uma ngikhombisa noma ngubani izinyembezi zami noma ngiqaphe imizwa yami yangempela nobuhlungu, bayogijima. Ngokuphikisana nalokho engangikukholelwe, kwenza okuphambene.

Ukudala isikhunta sokuphelela kwengingubani, umuntu okufanele ngibe naye futhi nokuthi kufanele sibukeke kanjani kubo bonke abanye ngamanga. Eyodwa engakufanelekeli ukuyiphila ngoba ngenkathi sakha ama-facade, siyazidela, ubudlelwano nabantu esibathandayo.

2. 'Umfel' ukholo.

Mhlawumbe lokhu kunguphawu lwabantwana abaphakathi noma ukuba ngumntwana wesehlukaniso; kodwa-ke, bengizizwa njalo ngathi yimi umuntu okumele ancike kuye. Le ndlela yokucabanga ukholo yaheha futhi yangena ebudlelwaneni nabantu ababenethezekile ngokulahla umthwalo wabo kimi ngoba ngangizowuthatha. Ngangiyehliswa, ngibe ngiphinda ngiphoxekile, kuze kube yilapho sengishiya noma ngihlukane nomlingani wami.

Bengihlala ngikholelwa ukuthi uthando lweqiniso lusho ukuba ngumsindisi womunye umuntu; kodwa-ke, sengize ngaqonda futhi ngafunda ukuthi yithi kuphela esingazisindisa. Ngiyakwazi ukusekela, ukukhuthaza, ukuthonya kanye nokushiya umbono komunye umuntu. Kepha, uma lowo muntu engafuni ukuguquka, angikwazi ukubaphoqa.

3. I-'ipholile 'eyodwa.

Noma ngingowesifazane impela, bengilokhu ngithambekele emisebenzini eqhutshwa ngabesilisa futhi yokuncintisana. Ngenxa yalokho, ngaba nabangane abaningi besilisa, abaningi babo engangizokugcina bethandana nabo. Ngoba sasingabangani bangaphambili, babezizwa bekhululekile nami. Kwesinye isikhathi, babenethezekile nami ukuthi bangasho izinto ezingafanele kimi ngendlela omunye umuntu wesifazane akhange ngayo futhi nemingcele yethu ivele ibe mfushane ngoba senze abangane abaningi njengabalingani. Ubungani bubalulekile ekubambisaneni; nokho, abalingani nabangane behlukile. Sikhetha abalingani esizophila nabo, ukuthi mhlawumbe sibe nezingane futhi, sikhule sindawonye- lokhu akuvamile ukuba ngomphumela nabangane.

Ukubambisana okunempilo kudinga imingcele futhi sengiqedile ukudlala indima yokuthi ngilungile ngomngcele ophukile noma ngingahloniphi lapho ngingekho. Ukudlala ndawonye nokungakhulumi kuholela kuphela kumunyu nasentukuthelweni phansi.

4. I-'amisa- eyodwa '.

Mhlawumbe kungenxa yokuthi ngiyi-Aquarius kepha ngikholelwa enkululekweni futhi nokuba nomuntu othokozela ukuba kwami, hhayi umuntu engiphoqe ukuba nami. Ngiyavuma ngokuphelele ukuthi ngake ngawela emgomweni wokuthi uthando lunomhawu, luyasho futhi alunamusa lapho umuzwa wami ubuhlale ungitshela ngenye indlela.

Njengabantu besifazane, sikhuliswa ngamazwi anjengokuthi, 'Udinga ukumgcina ehlola', 'Angabuka kepha aqiniseke ukuthi uyazi ukuthi ukuphi ekhaya 'noma,' Uyindoda, uzokopela '. Ukukholelwa lezi zinkulumo kungibangele ubuhlungu obukhulu nokuhlupheka ngoba baqinisekisa ukuthi abesifazane kufanele bazinze okuncane futhi balindele okuncane kubantu besilisa. Angiqiniseki ukuthi kungani ngawakholelwa la mazwi ngoba ngakhuliswa abesifazane abaqinile abakholelwa okuhlukile kulokhu. Ngenkathi ngisebenzisa la mazwi angamanga empilweni yami, ngangihlala ngizisola ngokudela ukuzithemba kwami nobuqotho bami ngoba ngibe nobudlelwano nomuntu engingafanele ngabe ngibe naye ekuqaleni.

Lapho sengithole uthando lwangempela ngami, ngakhipha isidingo sokuba nomunye umuntu. Ikakhulu uma lowo muntu engangihloniphi, amanani ami, isiko lami nalokho engikholelwa kukho.

The 4 roles that I am done playing in partnerships.

Image from Unsplash

I’ve been single for the past six months and have had a chance to really dive deep into my thoughts, my own interests and my purpose in life. Not to say that this is not accomplishable if you are in a relationship; however, the type of partnerships that I had previously been in, I gave more to them than what I got back.

I have no animosity towards any of my exes. I love them all dearly and I wish them well. They are fantastic people and they have helped shape me into who I am today. I don’t communicate with most of them, which I sometimes get sad about because I believe if you have shared a beautiful journey with another person, there is no need to be spiteful or resentful towards them. Every relationship has an expiration date.

My last relationship, which ended in June, solidified some of the biggest lessons that I had previously touched on the surface. Part of the reason that it did is because my former partner was well-known and sometimes, with fame comes disorder, toxicity and people attracted to the idea of a facade. Although I still have love for this man, it is very clear that we are not meant to be together for the long haul, which is fine. Not everything significant and life-changing requires long-term commitment. Sometimes people and things come into our lives to teach us a thing or two and then we part ways.

Through these past relationships, I learnt many things. In most of them, I played a role. Whatever title I played came with a sacrifice, of myself. I used to believe that I needed to sacrifice a part of who I was/am to be loved- which is a big lie.

True love begins with acceptance and now that I have found that kind of love for myself, I would be honoured to share it with another.

Here are the 4 roles that I am done playing in relationships:

1. The ‘perfect one’.

It was on my fifteenth birthday that my father called me to tell me that he was on his way and never showed up. Not only did he not show up but I never saw him ever again. He decided that he didn’t want to be a part of our family anymore. This pain I hid for many years in the form of needing to be perfect because, subconsciously, I had thought that I was the reason why he left. I kept what had happened a secret from my close friends because their lives seemed perfect and I was afraid that if I broke the ‘perfect’ mould, I wouldn’t be lovable to anyone. This belief is what I held onto until recently. I believed that if I showed anyone my tears or let my guard down about my true emotions and pain, they would run. Contrary to what I had believed, it does the opposite.

Creating a mould of perfection of who I am, the person that I should be with and, how we should look to everyone else is a lie. One that is not worth living because while we put up facades, we sacrifice ourselves, relationships and the people that we love.

2. The ‘martyr’.

Maybe this is middle-child syndrome or being a child of divorce; however, I have frequently felt like I am the one that everyone needs to rely on. This martyr-type of thinking attracted and entered into relationships with people who were comfortable with dumping their load onto me because I would take it. I would get dumped on, over-and-over, until I would leave or break up with my partner.

I used to believe that true love meant being someone else’s saviour; however, I have come to understand and learn that we are the only ones who can ever really save ourselves. I can support, encourage, influence and leave an impression on somebody else. But, if that person doesn’t want to change, I can’t force them.

3. The ‘cool’ one.

Even though I am very feminine, I have always been inclined to male-driven and competitive activities. As a result, I had a lot of male friends, many of them I would end up dating. Because we were formerly friends, they felt comfortable with me. Sometimes, they were so comfortable with me that they would say inappropriate things to me about how attractive another woman is and our boundaries became blurred because we acted more as friends than as partners. A friendship is important in partnership; however, partners and friends are different. We choose partners to live with, to possibly have children with and, to grow old together- this is not usually the outcome with friends.

A healthy partnership requires boundaries and I am done playing the role that I am okay with a broken boundary or disrespect when I am not. Playing along and not speaking up only leads to bitterness and resentment down the line.

4. The ‘settling- one’.

Maybe it’s because I’m an Aquarius but I believe in freedom and being with someone who enjoys my company, not someone that I have forced to be with me. I fully admit that I have previously fallen trap into the idea that love is jealous, mean and unkind when my intuition has always told me otherwise.

As women, we are raised with sayings like, ‘You need to keep him in check’, ‘He can look but make sure he knows where his home is’ or, ‘He’s a man, he is going to cheat’. Believing these sayings has caused me immense pain and suffering because they affirm that women should settle for less and expect less from men. I’m not sure why I believed these sayings because I was raised by strong women who believe the opposite of this. When I did implement these false sayings into my life, I would always regret sacrificing my self worth and integrity just to be in a relationship with someone who I probably shouldn’t have been with in the first place.

Once I found true love for myself, I released the need to be with another person. Particularly if that person is someone who doesn’t respect me, my values, my culture and what I believe in.