3 Reasons why I have stopped talking about my love life.

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I’ve been single for just over a year and I have had my moments where I freak out and want to date or be with someone just so that I have kids and settle down. However, I remind myself what happened in the past when I did that and all the chaos & drama I created when I dated from a fear-based place as opposed to abundance: knowing that the person I am meant to be with will be sent by God and divinely orchestrated.

As I have been on this path, I have received a lot of external commentary that has played into my fear so I have to cut that off and re-assure myself I am exactly where I am meant to be. 

I have learnt many lessons in my former relationships. One of the biggest one’s is to not let other people into your relationship. I have been guilty of it and it is a mistake that I will never repeat again. 

Here are 3 reasons why I have stopped talking about my love life: 

1. It’s none of anyone else’s business. 

I am grateful to have a strong friend support system. However when I didn’t in the past, I would trust almost anyone with what I was going through. This was exaggerated when I dated someone famous and noticed some people who would judge what I was going through or use it against me. I felt like what I was saying was being recorded or like I was on trial because some people felt that they knew my ex-boyfriend (more than I did) just because he was in the public-eye. 

Honestly, it was my fault, I shouldn’t have told them about it to begin with. So now to avoid external judgement and betrayal, I keep what I am going through in my love life to myself and ask the divine for answers so that my mind can stay clear and I can keep a positive perspective about all of my relationships. 

2. There should be no external forces in relationships. 

One of my exes had a habit of looking at other women in my presence and it would drive me insane. Not out of jealousy but because I felt like he was allowing external energy into our relationship that was meant between two people. I am not talking about any other relationship because those are not for me, I am a monogamous-type because I believe in unity. 

One night, while I was talking to a friend about what he did it dawned on me that I was doing what he had been doing in a different form. I had let external energy into our relationship by speaking about it to others and not him. We often think of cheating or betrayal as being sexual but dealing with intimacy is more than that, it can also be letting people know things about your partner that they shouldn’t know. 

3. Anything that I want to communicate to my partner, he should know from me. 

When I decided to shed myself of unhealthy habits, which is a continual journey, I realized something about myself and feminine culture. We have a tendency to speak about the person when they aren’t there but when they are around, we smile and act like everything is okay. That is one of the ultimate betrayals. 

I have always been a direct person but that doesn’t sit well with a lot of people, particularly in female culture. So, I found myself cowering to being fake and it was torture. I found myself surrounded by people who do the same and I didn’t like myself. So, I made a promise to myself to be honest- even if it aches but to do so from a place of love and resentment-free. 

Instead of internally boiling up and waiting to let out my frustrations towards others, I speak up in the moment so that I know and they know where I stand. There is no need for other people to know how I feel about my partner when he has no idea because that is not fair to our relationship or to either one of us. 

3 Ways that I created abundance in my love life.

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Up until a year ago, I attracted the same kind of energy in a partner/ boyfriend. They were either emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive or had narcissistic tendencies. I thought that this was how most men are. Although I had not been raised in a household with men who were like this, I thought that the real World was different and that I would probably have to settle for one of them. 

After two engagements, two more proposals from other men and a few other long-term relationships, I reached my peak awareness of releasing limited thinking in relationships when I dated a famous DJ/Producer who was the perfect example of the kind of energy I had manifested in relationships: uncertainty, jealousy and game-playing.

Although after every relationship, I would reflect and heal; this time it was different. It connected me to my conditioning and how my upbringing had conditioned me to accepting less than I deserved. It was the perfect time for me to be honest with myself because I was done with the cycle. 

I understood deeply and fully that I couldn’t want to create abundance in my regular life and leave my partner out of that. It is for all aspects of my life. 

This is how I created abundance in my love life: 

1. I entered the love vibration. 

Love is a vibration and when you are in sync with it, you feel a sense of peace because you are unified with God’s presence. It is a fantastic feeling. Just like anything else, we have to want to be in love’s vibration so that we can radiate with it. By meditating, understanding that I am a manifestation of love and by being still with myself- I entered the portal of love. 

In this portal, we understand that what is meant for us will find us and we let go of animosity, anger and resentment because there is no need for it anymore. 

2. I released the female victimhood. 

As a collective, when women get together we tend to talk about how men are doing us wrong. We think this is cathartic but it isn’t, it is sending out to The Universe that we are happy with what we are complaining about because it is what we spend most time on. 

In Western culture, we are getting farther and farther away from simplicity, spirituality of light and humility. And, you might hear phrases like, ‘what you focus on expands’- people tend to take this too literally. It is okay to reflect, it is okay to tell your story but when your continual thought process or how you think of men is all bad and negative- that is a reflection of you and not men. 

Once I released the need to blame men for my own mistakes and saw that they (just like women) are not represented by the few that I have dated but that maybe my vibration of victimhood was attracting men who kept me in the story of ‘poor me’, it changed. 

If you are happy with the men you have dated, keep the same thought process about them. However, if you aren’t, it is time to do some real reflection. Saying things like, ‘men are trash’, ‘why aren’t there any good men’ or, ‘dealing with men is frustrating’ is not an excuse anymore because you are robbing yourself of all the good, kind and considerate men out there. I know many men who are kind, emotionally available and who are wonderful people.

3. I decided to have hope. 

After my last relationship, I asked myself why I had come to think so negatively of men. I can’t remember my answer but I know that it led me down a path of wanting to think differently than I had before. I am a child of divorce and it is partially to blame for my conditioning to see men as worthless creatures. When I grew up, my Mother would call my Dad all kinds of negative names about him and in front of us and it conditioned me to think that if the man I loved the most was this way then I was not able to find better. 

In the process of my healing post break-up, I remembered a song that I wrote when I was 16. It said that I see heartbreak and emotional despair in my future because of what I had seen in my family. After remembering this, I decided to re-write that story. If I could foresee what an impact my conditioning had on my future, it was time to intervene and change it for the better. 

Everything happens for a reason and I am fully conscious of how I have negatively spoken about men because as a female collective, we have a tendency to find comfort in it. But, it only affects our future. I want my kids to see me speak kindly of their Dad, I want to be a healthy representation of a supportive couple and I want to love my future husband until the day that either of us dies. That means having hope that it is possible because I fully believe it is, particularly once I acknowledge how I have participated and will participate in all the relationships in my life. 

Dear W, 8/6/2020

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Dear W, 

I am sorry! I apologize for doubting you and for putting up a wall between us that was built with fear and judgement. 

I apologize for wanting you to change and be different when you are exactly who you are meant to be. 

I am sorry for telling everyone how awful you are and never telling you about the great times. All the great songs you wrote for me, the love you had for me and the friendship that you have always extended to me- even when I didn’t deserve it. 

I had forgiven you after we broke up to have power over you and now I forgive you to see you as you are, how God created you and exactly how you are meant to. 

I promise to never change you and accept you as you are. I love you. 

9 choses que je dirais à mes ex si je les voyais aujourd'hui.

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Je suis célibataire depuis plus d'un an et ça a été magnifique. Je me vois m'installer et être dans un partenariat sacré, respectueux, honnête et rempli d'amour.

En repensant aux relations précédentes, je ne suis que reconnaissant. De temps en temps, j'ai des aperçus du passé des souvenirs qui me laissent avec un sourire sur mon visage.

Après tout, je reste avec une profonde gratitude.

Voici 9 choses que je dirais à mes ex:

1. Merci.

2. Vous m'avez aidé à grandir.

3. Vous m'avez aidé à apprendre à aimer.

4. Je suis ici aujourd'hui et je me suis transformé en partie grâce à vous.

5. Vous êtes aimé.

6. J'espère que vous avez tout l'amour et le bonheur que vous méritez.

7. Que tous vos souhaits se réalisent.

8. Je prie pour votre santé, votre bien-être et pour que vous continuiez à choisir l'amour.

9. Je vous ai pardonné comme je suis sûr que vous m'avez pardonné.

9 Things I would tell all my Exes if I saw them today.

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I have been single for over a year and it has been splendid. I do see myself settling down and being in a partnership that is sacred, respectful, honest and filled with love. 

As I think back on previous relationships, I am only grateful. Every now and then I get glimpses of the past of memories that leave me with a smile on my face. After it all, I am left with deep gratitude. 

Here are 9 things that I would tell my exes: 

1. Thank you. 

2. You helped me grow. 

3. You helped me learn how to love. 

4. I am here today and have transformed partially because of you. 

5. You are loved. 

6. I hope you have all the love and happiness you deserve. 

7. May all your wishes come true. 

8. I pray for your health, your well-being and that you continue to choose love. 

9. I’ve forgiven you as I am sure you have forgiven me. 

3 Things I wish I knew before my parents went through a divorce.

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Last year, I left an emotionally abusive relationship that triggered my deep healing. In general, I noticed a trend in my life that I attracted people who were around to take from me and often spoke unkind words to me in the process. I used to have this idea that once I became an enlightened person then everything would be fine. 

However, that is when the process of healing begins. Just like our body which is constantly healing, our spiritual and internal wellbeing out to be doing the same. 

So, I sought professional help,tapped, practiced yoga, prayed and meditated. All of which revealed to me that I had childhood trauma that wasn’t being addressed. And that I needed to go in. At this moment, I do not speak to both of my parents: one out of choice and the other not out of choice. However, it has been necessary in my healing process so that I could detach myself from who my parents want me to be and stand proud without un-necessary and unwanted pressures. 

Everything is hindsight and this is not to blame; it is to bring reflection. The voice of children in divorce is often silenced and I want to give these children, including my inner-child a voice. I would be lying if I said that my parents’ divorce was and amazing experience for me and that I believe they did the best that they could because I do not think that they did. 

Their actions are between them and God. I am merely here to tell you how I have healed and what I wish I’d known before they went through this process: 

1. Don’t take it personally. 

I don’t recall my parents having a sit-down with me about their separation and divorce. I was 5 years-old so I could have forgotten if they did. What came during the divorce process, hurt me immensely and what I don’t think most parents realize is that unintentional hurt can leave an imprint on children because it is often not thought of as something that acknowledged. And, only once we recognize something can we change it. 

Looking back at the times when their divorce was at it’s height and I would voice my concerns which were automatically shut down, it had nothing to do with me. As an adult, I see that my parents were at war with one another and didn’t see me as a child but as a way that they could be right and win at all costs. 

I spent a lot of time being angry that I wasn’t thought of while they decided to part ways but now I understand that it had nothing to do with me. Children are born into great and sometimes not so-great circumstances. It is not up to us to get involved in parental situations. We should be allowed to be kids when we are young. 

2. Don’t pick sides. 

I have recently forgiven myself for taking my Mother’s side and once I did, I asked myself why I felt the inclination to take her side? My answer is that as a society, Mother’s can do no wrong when I can count many times that mine did - just like most people. The difference; however, when a parent has wronged a child, there is no real platform for them to speak on it without that child receiving backlash and being told all the good that the parent does for the child. It creates a sense of guilt in children that is unfathomable. Because we have created a dynamic that parents are always right as long as you have a roof over your head and your bills are paid- we put emphasis on external wellbeing and not internal. 

After years of professional help, I can clearly see how one of my parents weaponized me against the other because they could. I spent a lot of time being angry at them and once I forgave them, it changed my perspective. They were growing, learning and, I happened to get caught in the mix. 

3. Parents have internal growth to do, too. 

I come from an African family and sometimes it can feel dysfunctional because we are raised that as long as you have a roof over your head and you go to the finest schools, you are loved. 

As an adult, I have had to re-learn true love. No conditions. You see, I grew up in a household that if I didn’t do what was told, I was ignored, punished and I could feel the lack of love instantly. Of course, kids are supposed to be punished, right? Yes, but what happens if the parent does wrong? Do they get punished? Who holds them accountable? 

If I were in my parents’ shoes, I am not sure how I would raise me how I was raised but I do know that with the information I have, I wouldn’t put another human being through what I went through because a child should always know they are loved and not feel like they have to walk on eggshells just because they are alive. 

There is a lot of input on how kids need to be raised but we leave out the conversation how parents need to grow up during the parental process, too. 

It’s time for parents to step up and stop making it seem like children asked to be born. Being alive is a gift, yes! But so is having a child, why were they had anyways?

3 Redefinicines de amor.

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Como la mayoría de ustedes ya saben, he tenido un ciclo de relaciones poco saludables. Mi último finalizó en junio pasado cuando me di cuenta de que tenía algo de curación que hacer. Me había acostumbrado tanto a ser manipulado y maltratado emocionalmente por personas que amaba que había comenzado a creer las mentiras.

Ahora, para todas mis mujeres que piensan que solo los hombres pueden ser manipuladores, eso es incorrecto. Todas las personas tienen la capacidad de manipulación, mentir y actuar desde un lugar poco sincero.

Si necesita un repaso de mi pasado, consulte mis artículos anteriores sobre cómo publiqué la última relación que fue la guinda del pastel y cuando decidí dejar ir a las personas que me hablan y no escuchan, los que esperan que haga algo malo para vengarme de mí y, algunos que han visto mi amabilidad por la debilidad.

No solo en las relaciones románticas sino también en familiares y amigos. Me enorgullece decir que he creado una distancia saludable de las personas abusivas y manipuladoras. También los perdono porque aferrarme al dolor y al maltrato conduce a más. A través de este proceso de curación, he aprendido 3 redefiniciones de amor saludable:

1. Dejar ir la perfección y arreglar: He pasado gran parte de mi vida cediendo.

Esto proviene de mi infancia. Soy un hijo del medio de una familia divorciada y siempre he tenido una inmensa culpa, básicamente por nada más que ser humano, cometer errores y aprender. A través de mi curación, los recuerdos de mi infancia han regresado y tuve recuerdos de mi hermano menor y peleé, como la mayoría de los niños. La respuesta de mi madre sería hacerme pedir perdón primero porque dijo que yo era el mayor y que tenía más responsabilidad que mi hermano menor. Esto me condicionó a pedir perdón siempre; incluso si no estuviera equivocado. Sentía una profunda carga de estar siempre en lo cierto y si alguien tuviera un problema conmigo, trataría de hacer que le gustara. Recientemente, me encontré llorando cuando pensé en uno de estos recuerdos cuando me di cuenta de que había asumido un papel que nunca quise, "el reparador". Verá, arreglar significa corregir, incluso si abandona mis emociones y sentimientos para hacer las cosas bien. En otras relaciones, me convertí en el amigo que todos llamaban cuando necesitaban algo pero pocos correspondían el mismo gesto, me convertí en la novia que sería genial para no sacudir el bote y me convertí en el miembro de la familia que quería ser visto como perfecto porque era mi responsabilidad sin importar lo que la otra persona me hiciera. Este rol es pesado y a menudo imposible de implementar todo el tiempo. Entonces, cuando me libero de este papel, me abro a relaciones en las que no necesito arreglar nada y recuperar lo que saqué sintiéndome culpable.

2. Curación de patrones abusivos emocionales:

El abuso físico es fácil de detectar, pero ¿qué tal cuando alguien destruye tu espíritu o tu alma durante años y años? Esto crea una disonancia cognitiva, donde su cerebro comienza a cuestionarse si lo que era verdad es verdad. Sufrí durante muchos años y, como resultado, atraería a personas abusivas a mi vida. Tenía tan poca autoestima que acepté palabras y acciones desagradables hacia mí porque pensé que esa persona no quería o temía que me dejaran sola si los confrontaba.

Durante la última década, he curado (y todavía estoy sanando) la necesidad de estar en una dinámica poco saludable para sentir que soy amado. El amor puede ser saludable y el amor puede ser amable, no todo el tiempo sino la mayor parte del tiempo. Ya terminé de disculpar a las personas que no respetan mis límites ni reconocen que soy humano porque estoy dispuesto a respetar los límites de los demás y ver a las personas como humanos.

3. No estar atado a otro por la fuerza sino por respeto y amabilidad.

Ya no tengo miedo de deshacerme de las personas irrespetuosas de mi vida. Vengo de una familia africana donde nos ejercemos una presión inmensa porque se espera que estemos siempre cerca. Fue recientemente que decidí cambiar este pensamiento. Si estar cerca de alguien me causa ansiedad, dolor y dolor, entonces estoy fuera. No soy un mártir Yo, al igual que aquellos que son respetuosos, merecen ser respetados. El año pasado, leí un libro sobre relaciones narcisistas y empáticas y me hizo estas preguntas, ¿cómo dejas cada relación que tienes? ¿Te vas sintiéndote satisfecho o agotado? ¿Te vas sintiendo escuchado o no escuchado? ¿Te vas sintiendo el respeto que merecías? Tuve que responder esa pregunta con mucha gente a mi alrededor porque la respuesta fue no.

Tuve que empezar de nuevo, me pareció. La mayor parte de lo que había aprendido sobre las relaciones era el empoderamiento falso de las mujeres disfrazado de manipulación y lograr que el "chico" me viera y escuchara a toda costa. Tuve que volver a aprender que el amor no se trata de hacer que nadie haga nada, simplemente lo es. Ahora, cuando no me siento escuchado, notado, respetado o reconocido durante un período de tiempo, le hago saber a esa persona y, si continúa, creo una distancia entre la relación y yo porque mi enfoque no es forzar; es sobre aceptación, honestidad y estar presente

3 Redefinitions of healthy love.

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As most of you already know, I have had a cycle of unhealthy relationships. My last one ended last June with me realizing that I had some healing to do. I had gotten so used to being manipulated and emotionally abused by people that I loved that I had started believing the lies. Now, for all my women who think that only men can be manipulative, that is incorrect. All people have the capability of manipulation, lying and acting from an insincere place. 

If you need a refresher of my past, check out my former articles of how I released the last relationship which was the icing on the cake and when I decided to let go of people who speak to me and don’t listen, those who wait for me to do wrong in order to get back at me and, some who have seen my kindness for weakness. Not only in romantic relationships but also in family and friends. I am proud to say that I have created a healthy distance from abusive and manipulative people. I also forgive them because holding onto pain and mistreatment leads to more of it. 

Through this process of healing, I have learnt 3 redefinitions of healthy love: 

1. Letting go of perfection and fixing:

I have spent a lot of my life giving in. This stems from my childhood. I am a middle child from a divorced family and have always carried immense guilt, basically over nothing but being human, making mistakes and learning. Through my healing, memories of my childhood have come back and I had memories of my younger sibling and I fighting, like most kids do. My Mother’s response would be to get me to say sorry first because she said I was the elder and had more responsibility than my younger sibling. This conditioned me to always say sorry; even if I wasn’t in the wrong. I felt a deep burden to always be right and if someone had an issue with me, I would try to get them to like me. 

Recently, I found myself crying when I thought of one of these memories as I realized that I have taken on a role that I never wanted, ‘the fixer’. You see, fixing means correcting even it abandons my emotions and feelings to make things right. In other relationships, I became the friend everyone called on when they needed something but few reciprocated the same gesture, I became the girlfriend who would be cool in order to not rock the boat and, I became the family member who wanted to be seen as perfect because it was my responsibility no matter what the other person did to me. 

This role is heavy and often impossible to implement all the time. So, as I free myself of this role, I open myself up to relationships where I don’t need to fix anything and get back what I put out with feeling guilty about it. 

2. Healing emotional abusive patterns: 

Physical abuse is easy to spot but how about when someone chips away at your spirit or your soul for years and years? This creates cognitive dissonance- where your brain starts questioning if what was true is true. Which I suffered from for many years and as a result, I would attract abusive people into my life. I had such little self-esteem that I accepted unkind words and actions towards me because I thought that that person didn’t mean to or feared being left alone if I confronted them. 

Over the past decade, I have healed (and am still healing) the need to be in unhealthy dynamics to feel like I am loved. Love can be healthy and love can be kind, not all the time but most of the time. I am done excusing people who don’t honor my boundaries or acknowledge that I am human because I am willing to respect others’ boundaries and see people as human. 

3. Not being tied to another by force but by respect and kindness. 

I am no longer afraid to shed disrespectful people from my life. I come from an African family where we put immense pressure on one another because we are expected to always be around. It was recently that I decided to shift this thinking. If being around someone causes me anxiety, pain and hurt then I am out. I am not a martyr. I, just like those who are respectful, deserve to be respected. 

Last year, I read a book about narcissistic and empath relationships and it asked these questions, how do you leave each relationship that you have? Do you leave feeling fulfilled or drained? Do you leave feeling heard or unheard? Do you leave feeling go you the respect that you deserved? 

I had to answer that question with a lot of people around me because the answer was no. I had to start all over again, it felt like. Most of what I had learned about relationships was fake women empowerment disguised as manipulation and getting the ‘guy’ to see me and hear me at all costs. I had to re-learn that love isn’t about getting anyone to do anything, it just is. Now, when I don’t feel heard, noticed, respected or acknowledged over a period of time, I let that person know and if it continues, I create distance between the relationship and me because my focus is not on forcing; it is on acceptance, honesty and being present. 

3 Más cosas que aprendí saliendo con una celebridad.

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Ha pasado casi un año desde mi ruptura con una persona conocida. Recientemente tuve una conversación con mi amigo al respecto y me sorprendió cómo había pasado el tiempo. Fue en junio del año pasado que decidí dejar lo que consideraba una relación tóxica y no me arrepiento de haber entrado, estar y abandonar la sociedad que había cultivado con este hombre.

El tiempo ha pasado y algunas veces escucharé sus canciones, lo veré en un póster o alguien me dará noticias sobre él. Sorprendentemente, soy aficionado a la mayoría de los recuerdos que tuvimos. No puedo decir completamente que siempre estoy contento con él, pero no tengo rencor hacia él en absoluto. Me ha tomado tanto tiempo liberar completamente cualquier enojo y se siente bien. No me arrepiento de nada en la vida porque he aprendido mucho de esta experiencia.

Esto es más de lo que desearía haber sabido un año después de terminar una relación con una celebridad:

1. No es para los débiles de corazón.

Aunque algunos de mi familia son bien conocidos en Sudáfrica por diferentes cosas, nunca había visto la diferencia entre eso y alguien que es mundialmente famoso y en la industria de la música. ¡Chico, me esperaba una sorpresa! Al comienzo de nuestra relación, no estaba interesado en él y él hizo todo lo posible. Descubrió quiénes eran mis artistas favoritos e hizo canciones sobre mí como un regalo para mí. Fue muy dulce Escuchaba las canciones y pensaba en lo romántico que era, poco sabía que era un juego.

Lo cual, vendría a averiguar más tarde. Ser arrastrado por una cadena emocional por alguien que es famoso puede hacerte sentir delirante a veces porque cuando le cuentas a la mayoría de las personas al respecto, es posible que no te apoyen, ya que gran parte de nuestra cultura está basada en celebridades. Me di cuenta de que cuando mencionaba cómo me trataban con algunas personas (que eran) mis amigos, recibía rechazo y me dejaba sin aliento porque su respuesta se basaba en su apego a su personalidad y no en quién era conmigo. Tenía que encontrar mi propia voz y ser lo suficientemente fuerte como para diferenciar lo que era honesto y verdadero acerca de cómo me sentía. Lo cual requería mucha fuerza y ​​autorreflexión.

2. La mayoría de las personas no entenderán cómo se siente.

Justo después de nuestra ruptura, fui a una boda y en el camino, estaba pensando en cómo me había prometido casarme y que se reuniría para que yo lo esperara. Recuerdo viajar en un automóvil y sentir un nudo enorme en la garganta al pensar en lo apegado que estaba con él y la idea de él.

Duele decir adiós. Y luego pensé en lo que le diría a la gente cuando preguntaran por qué ya no estaban juntos. Me imaginé diciéndoles cómo había hecho lo que la mayoría de las celebridades hacen con sus seres queridos: engañarlos y tratarlos como un fanático en lugar de un igual. Y, la idea me hizo querer arrastrarme en una pelota y no salir.

Yo no hice eso. Fui a la boda y la pasé muy bien. Vi cuánto amaba mi esposo a su esposo y vi cuánto la relación que había tenido con él no se parecía en nada a la que yo quería. Me sentí influido y supe que la persona con la que quería estar, sabría con gran convicción que eran ellos por su carácter y mis sentimientos hacia él. Tenía que darme cuenta de que otras personas podrían decirme quién es para mí o quién no, pero solo yo tengo que vivir con esa persona y elegirla a diario.

3. Puede que te sientas como un tonto, pero a veces el amor requiere ser un tonto y entrar con el corazón abierto.

Mi ex es un playboy muy conocido y eso es lo que me impidió salir con él en primer lugar. Me criaron en un sentido tradicional cuando se trata de matrimonio y relaciones. Creo en una fuerte unidad con solo dos personas. Creo en la tradición, la simplicidad y estar en paz. Entonces, tenía mis reservas sobre confiar en él. Me ganó porque tiene grandes cosas sobre él. Sin embargo, somos demasiado diferentes para hacer que las cosas funcionen. Después de terminarlo, cometí el error de decirle a algunas personas a quienes no se podía confiar mi vulnerabilidad porque me decían cosas como "qué esperabas" y "deberías haberlo sabido mejor". Prometo no rodearme de personas que eviten mis experiencias de aprendizaje, sino apoyarlas y también les prometí que siempre estaría abierto con amor.

A medida que envejezco, más difícil se vuelve, pero creo en estar abierto a las posibilidades porque, aunque no estamos juntos, pude amar a alguien que admiraba, pude darle a alguien mi devoción y tiempo y pude conectarme con otro. de manera divina. ¡Que bendición!

3 More things I wish I’d known before I dated a celebrity.

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It’s been almost a year since my break-up with a well-known person. I was having a conversation with my friend recently about it and I was stunned at how time had flown. It was last year June that I decided to leave what I considered a toxic relationship and I have no regrets of entering, being in and leaving the partnership I had cultivated with this man. 

Time has gone by and sometimes I will hear his songs, see him on a poster or someone will tell me news about him. Surprisingly, I am fond of most of the memories that we had. I can’t fully say that I am always pleased with him but I have no animosity towards him at all. It has taken this long for me to fully release any anger and it feels good. 

I don’t have any regrets in life because I have learnt a ton from this experience. 

This is more of what I wish I’d known a year after ending a relationship with a celebrity:

1. It’s not for the faint-hearted.

Even though some my family is well-known in South Africa for different things, I had never seen the difference between that and someone who is globally famous and in the music industry. Boy, was I in for a surprise! In the beginning of our relationship, I wasn’t interested in him and he pulled out all the stops. He found out who my favorite artists were and made songs about me as a gift to me. It was very sweet. I would hear the songs and think of how romantic it was- little did I know it was a game. Which, i would come to find out later. 

Being pulled on an emotional string by someone who is famous can make you feel delirious sometimes because when you tell most people about it, they might not support you as a lot of our culture is celebrity-based. I noticed that when I would mention how I was treated to some people (who were) my friends, I would get pushback and gaslit because their response was based on their attachment to his persona and not who he was with me. 

I had to find my own voice and be strong enough to differentiate what was honest and true about how I felt. Which required a lot of strength and self-reflection.

2. Most people will not understand what it feels like. 

Right after our break-up, I went to a wedding and on the way there, I was thinking of how he had promised me to marry me and that he would get himself together so I should wait for him. I remember riding in a car and feeling a huge lump in my throat as I thought of how attached I had gotten to him and the idea of him. It hurt to say goodbye. And then I thought of what I would say to people when they asked why weren’t together anymore. I imagined myself telling them how he had done what most celebrities do with their loved ones: cheat on them and treat them like a fan as opposed to an equal. And, the thought made me want to crawl into a ball and not come out. 

I didn’t do that. I went to the wedding and had a great time. I saw how much my friend loved her husband and saw how much the relationship I had had with him was nothing like the one that I wanted. I felt swayed into it and knew that the person I wanted to be with, I would know with strong conviction that it was them by their character and my feelings towards him.

I had to realize that other people might tell me who is meant for me or who isn’t but only I have to live with that person and choose them daily. 

3. You might feel like a fool but sometimes love requires being a fool and entering with an open heart. 

My Ex is a well-known playboy and that is what stopped me from dating him in the first place. I was raised in a traditional sense when it comes to marriage and relationships. I believe in a strong unity with only two people in it. I believe in tradition, simplicity and being at peace. So, I had my reservations about trusting him. He won me over because he does have great things about him. However, we are too different to make things work. 

After I ended it, I made the mistake of telling some people who were not to be trusted with my vulnerability because they said things to me like, ‘What did you expect’ and, ‘You should’ve known better.’ I made a promise to not surround myself with people shun my learning experiences but support them and I also made a promise that I would always be open with love. As I get older, the harder it becomes but I believe in being open to possibilities because although we are not together, I got to love someone that I admired, I got to give someone my devotion and time and, I got to connect to another in a divine fashion. What a blessing! 

Dear Daddy,

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Dear Daddy, 

I am sorry. The older that I get, the more that I see how kind and loving you were to me. A part of me feels like I took it for granted and blamed you for things that you couldn’t control. 

I have memories of how much wisdom you gave me and I am forever grateful to have had a Father who held the bar high for me so that I always knew my worth. I spent too much time being angry at you (and men in general) for things that were out of your control and I only hurt myself. 

I’m sorry for fighting battles against you that weren’t mine to fight. 

You did enough for me and for that I am grateful. The older that I get, the more like you I see that I am. We both have been ridiculously hard on ourselves, we both love Gospel music, we both work hard and we both believe in the good in everyone- even when we shouldn’t sometimes.

I hope that I marry a man who is as good of a person as you are and who embodies many of your qualities. 

Thank you for everything you did for me and thank you for never asking for anything back. You have always shown me unconditional love and I love you. 

Yours truly, 

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3 Things that I have learnt about healing as a child of divorce.

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I would be lying to you if I told you that our parents aren’t the biggest shapers in our lives. I would also be lying to you if I told you that we ever really heal from trauma that occurs when we see our parents interacting with one another because that is the first romantic relationship that we will see and leaves an imprint on us for the rest of our lives. 

As like with other families, as much love and warmth there is; there is also hurt, resentment, jealousy and anger in mine. Which can be equated to love vs. fear. And, most of us struggle with loving because we are in a constant state of fear. Passed down from generation-to-generation. At some point, we have to take responsibility for our lives and set healthy boundaries for ourselves and others. 

On my journey of healing which actively started a decade ago, I have learnt over-and-over that life is about healing. We are not meant to be perfect because perfection is a façade. True healing is from bringing the broken pieces into whole. And, most of that comes from being honest because once we acknowledge something, we can match our actions to that. 

So, in the spirit, of honesty, here is what I have learnt about healing through the eyes of a child of divorce: 

1. Forgiveness is key. 

I recently lashed out at some loved ones in my family and I could spend my life blaming them. However, that would be unfair to me and to them. You see, becoming whole doesn’t mean that we won’t fall down but it means that we get back up. And, when we have gotten back up, we can look back and forgive. Forgive ourselves, others and the situation. Which, I am in the process of doing. 

We are multi-faceted beings and sometimes a part of us is brought up by a situation that we might not have thought was possible but that moment doesn’t define us, it is a stepping stone to real healing and progression. For when we are truthful, that is when we can move forward. Sometimes making a mistake will show us what we need to work on. 

This moment showed me the role that I play. The one of perfect as a result of being a child of divorce. You see, all kids take on a persona which becomes our way of surviving. Mine was, act perfect and have everything together so that life can be perfect and things won’t fall apart. It put immense pressure on me and I cracked. When I cracked, I decided to redefine how I had approached life and people in my life. And, who is coming with me along the way forward.

2. You can’t force people to change. 

I grew up in an African family where pride helps us keep our last name in dignity. That idea comes with many great qualities. It has taught me to keep going no matter what, to always look as good as I can and to give off a persona of strength even if I am not strong on the inside. But, with all facades comes the negative. Related to the pride, I have always felt the need to take on more than was expected of me because I felt like if I didn’t, I wasn’t doing enough and ultimately, wasn’t enough. I noticed a pattern in relationships that I would be as perfect as I could so that they would never leave. Sacrificing myself to be loved and when I wasn’t, I would flip and get upset. 

I have learnt and am practicing that when you love someone, you don’t want them to mess up, for the relationship to be over or manipulate them into never leaving you or being who you want them to be because then we are never really present. I have accepted that just because I love someone doesn’t mean that they have to be in my life or love me back. I can love them from far away especially if being around them is not healthy. I don’t need to hold on to anyone for the idea of perfection or that I have everything together. I don’t have it all together and I am not meant to- that is the journey of life.

3. My parents did enough. 

I once heard one of my mentors say that he believes his parents did their best and I would be lying to you if I agreed that mine did because I think there is always room for growth within us. However, I have come to see that my parents have done enough for me. As a society, we give our parents power and sometimes, too much power. For they are human just like us and when we are children, it is hard to hold them accountable. 

A lot of my healing is about accepting that I didn’t have a voice when I was child because there is only so much a minor can say without fear of being kicked out, not loved or feeling like they aren’t enough. We create co-dependent relationships in our families by thinking that they have to agree with everything we say and do but love is not about agreeing. Bringing love into a situation means peace. And, sometimes the best way to maintain peace is to forgive and move on with your life with or without people you have depended on before. 

Many of us look at our parents as our leaders and become heartbroken when they aren’t because we expect perfection from those who take the lead. But, we forget that sometimes leaders come into our lives just to show us how not to do things. Parent to children relationship is no different to take that example. 

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3 Redefinitions of unconditional love.

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Like most of us, I was raised in a household of conditions disguised as discipline and claiming to want the best for me. After years of therapy, relationships and applying what I have learnt towards life, I have learnt how detrimental conditional love is to anyone. It’s the kind of love that if you do for me, I love you and if you don’t, I hate you. It’s the kind of love that holds onto secrets and withholds the truth because we are afraid that if we are honest, we won’t be loved anymore. 

I am grateful for every experience and I carry that same energy to my upbringing. I have been able to learn that love doesn’t start when I disagree with someone, that is when it begins. I haven’t always been the master of it and I am still learning this notion. But one quote about unconditional love by Maya Angelou has always stuck with me. It is, ‘Love liberates. It doesn’t hold. I love you whether you are in Tokyo or next to me.’ 

This doesn’t mean that I have to accept your behaviour or have you in my life to love you. Sometimes people are meant to be loved from afar. 

Here are 3 redefinitions of unconditional love: 

1. You are who you are meant to be, not by success standards but in creation. 

I am a woman and as one, I can see that we have a lot to work on. Particularly about the need to make others just like us, or else we will not accept it. I noticed that I did this with a long-term relationship I was in with someone who was going through a divorce. I felt like he had to be in my life and act exactly how I needed him to, or I wouldn’t love him. I was loving him with conditions. 

One day, I was crying in a park and wondering why he didn’t love me and having this deep need for him to love me. It hurt so much. I looked at a tree so peaceful and serene, and understood that I was creating my own suffering. I developed a thought in my mind that he will be who he is and I will always love him but I don’t have to hate him. It has taken years of practicing this about him but today I can say that I think so fondly of him and I wish him the best with his life. He doesn’t have to be in my life to love him. I love him anyway. 

2. I am not the authority on how someone should live their life. 

I have a secret fear of having children and raising them to think like me or I won’t love them, like I have been shown. I believe in individualism. I had a thought the other day that many parents run houses as the authority, which would appear to be correct. However, in that thinking, we can stifle a child’s potential. 

Being a parent is not easy and I think one of the most challenging things to accept is that your child appears to be an extension of you but isn’t. They are their own person. We can teach our children our own ideals but, ultimately, it is up to them to learn and grow for themself. When we want people to think and act like us for our love, that is conditional love. Unconditional love says you think the way you do, you act the way that you want and you do what you want to do but I still love you. I don’t have to force you to be like me because I might not know everything and you might not either. 

3. ‘Love is unconditional but relationships have conditions.’ 

I heard this quote this morning and I couldn’t agree more. I have recently decided to let go of some people in my life because I don’t feel like they are healthy for the growth and perpetuate the idea of one-sided communication. It is okay to have boundaries and once those are infringed upon, it is okay to no longer have that person if your life.’ But they deserve the benefit of the doubt beforehand and if you have tried and it doesn’t work, then free yourself of that situation. 

Love is not a contract based on what you think, what you like or how you behave. A lot of people that I love I have many differences with. Some people I love I haven’t spoken to in years but that doesn’t mean that we need to be close to one another and force a fake relationship. We can love people and say that they are not healthy or good for us. Just because conditions are not set on love does not mean that they are not set for relationships. There is no need to be in a situation with someone who doesn’t respect you but there is no need to hate them either. 

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I forgive him, B.

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Why do I want to forgive him? 

Because he is a good person. 

I forgive him because I am done resisting him and who he is. 

I forgive him because he is not exactly who I want him to be and that is perfect. He is not meant to be a mould of my imagination; he is a mould of God’s imagination. 

I forgive him because criticizing him isn’t helping me. 

I forgive him because I admit that he may not be for me but that doesn’t mean that I need to shoot him down and disrespect him. 

I forgive him because I have my fiery and stubborn way towards him that I need to detach myself from if I want to be a healthy person in this world. 

I forgive him because I release him into God’s hands and trust he will take care of him. 

I forgive him because I may never see him again and I am at peace with that. I let go of any resentment about how he handled me and us because it is exactly how it is meant to be. 

Kungani ngifuna ukumthethelela?

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Kungani ngifuna ukumthethelela? Ngoba akuphilile ukubamba intukuthelo. Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba ngikhathele ukungabaza ukuthi kungani engaphendulanga noma abeke phambili izinto, esikhundleni sokumane akhulume.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba sengikhathele ukuzizwa ngaliwe futhi akanawo amandla amaningi empilweni yami njengoba ngake ngamnika yena phambilini.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba akayona into embi- umuntu nje futhi, njengami, unezingqinamba. Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba kuyindlela enhle yokuqhubekela phambili kulokhu.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba angikwazi ukumphoqa ukuthi ashintshe, angikwazi ukubhala kabusha okwedlule futhi angifuni. Ngifunde okuningi ngempilo nangothando, okuyisizathu esengeziwe sokuba nami ngithethelele njengoba ngibonga futhi ngithokozile ngomphumela.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba Isahluko sami esilandelayo sethembisa kakhulu ukuthi singonakaliswa yimizwa yokudabuka, ukukhathazeka nokungaqiniseki.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba ngiyaqiniseka ukuthi ngifanelwe uthando olungathwalwa kakhulu ukungavikeleki; lokho kuyasiqinisekisa lapho singenasiqiniseko.

Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba angikwazi ukuphoqa iqiniso. Akuphoqwa noma kuhlanganisiwe. Ngifuna ukumthethelela ngoba uyisebenzisile injongo yakhe empilweni yami, kungenzeka kube kungenzeki ngendlela ebengiyifuna ngayo kepha ngilapha. Ngilapha ukuzithethelela ngoba akukho lutho olungizuzisa kakhulu.

Pourquoui je veux lui pardonner?

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Pourquoi est-ce que je veux lui pardonner? Parce que le garder ne le changera pas.

J'ai passé assez de temps à chercher l'amour en dehors de moi et il est temps de regarder à l'intérieur.

Je lui pardonne

Parce que je pouvais passer ma vie à essayer de voler les moments que nous nous donnions les uns aux autres ou être heureux que nous les ayons jamais eu au départ.

Je lui pardonne Parce que pendant longtemps, j'ai eu l'impression qu'il m'avait pris. Et maintenant, je me rends compte que j'ai obtenu tellement plus que ce à quoi je m'attendais.

Je lui pardonne Parce que je me sentais joué, je me sentais habitué et je me sentais remplaçable. Je n'ai jamais compris que je peux vraiment me valoriser, ça ne peut pas toujours venir de lui.

Je lui pardonne Parce que je suis aussi en train de me pardonner de ne pas comprendre la règle fondamentale de l'abondance, il y en a toujours assez.

Je l'aimais assez, je lui ai donné et maintenant je peux le laisser partir. Je lui pardonne parce que je ne ferme pas la porte créée par une fausse frontière. Je garde la porte ouverte et marche en avant sans regarder en arrière.

Je lui pardonne car il mérite tout ce que je lui ai demandé: amour, gentillesse et respect. Qu'il me le rende dépend de lui, mais je ne vais pas lui en vouloir s'il ne le fait pas.

I forgive him.

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Why do I want to forgive him? 

Because holding onto him won’t change him. 

I’ve spent enough time looking for love outside of myself and it’s time to look within. 

I forgive him 

Because I could spend my life trying to steal back the moments we gave to each other or be happy that we ever had them to begin with. 

I forgive him 

Because for a long time, I felt like he took from me. 

And now I realize that I got so more than I expected to get. 

I forgive him 

Because I felt played, I felt used and I felt replaceable. I never understood that only I can truly value myself, it can’t always come from him. 

I forgive him 

Because I am also in the process of forgiving myself for not understanding the fundamental rule of abundance, there is always enough. 

I loved him enough, I gave him and now I can let him go. 

I forgive him because I’m not shutting the door created by a fake boundary. I am keeping the door open and walking forward without looking back anymore. 

I forgive him because he deserves everything that I ever asked him for: love, kindness and respect. Whether he gives it back to me is up to him but I’m not going to hold a grudge against him if he doesn’t. 

3 cosas que desearía haber sabido antes de salir en línea.

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Nunca me interesaron las citas en línea, pero había tenido una relación intermitente con alguien y me sentía agotada. Sentí que tener a alguien nuevo en mi vida agregaría mucho de lo que me faltaba, energía fresca y aventurera.

Aunque anteriormente había intentado un sitio web de citas popular que terminaba con un tipo al azar que insistía en salir conmigo a pesar de que decliné, decidí darle otra oportunidad. Había escuchado grandes cosas sobre una aplicación de citas donde las mujeres se acercaban primero. Pensé que esto sería diferente. Entonces, le di una oportunidad. Cargué la aplicación y comencé a contactar a los hombres con los que me emparejaban.
Como siempre, no me arrepiento de nada porque vivir es cómo aprendemos. Pero, estas son 3 cosas que desearía haber sabido antes de tener mi primera experiencia de citas en línea:

1. No fuerces nada.

La primera y única persona con la que salí a través de esta aplicación de citas fue un tipo bastante decente. Sin embargo, la diferencia entre él y la mayoría (si no todos) de los chicos con los que he salido, no teníamos amigos ni conocidos en común. Estoy acostumbrado a salir con alguien que comparte amigos para que confíe más en ellos y tengamos más en común. En el papel, parecía un buen partido. Sin embargo, tuve la sensación de que estaba ocultando algo. Seguí esperando a que me arrojara una bomba de verdad y de repente descubrí que no era para mí. Para poder culparlo por ser la razón por la que no debía ser. Cuando noté mi proceso de pensamiento de hacer esto, me di cuenta de que no tenía esa emoción para él y lo estaba forzando porque me preocupaba no estar solo. Después de que terminé, decidí salir conmigo mismo, tomé citas increíbles y concentré mi energía en convertirme en el amor que le estaba pidiendo a alguien más que me diera.

2. Solo porque alguien es una buena pareja en el papel; no los hace una buena pareja para la vida. Cuando el chico con el que salí en línea me dijo que fue a la misma escuela que mi padre, me llené de alegría. Siempre he querido salir con alguien que está en tecnología. En parte debido a la estabilidad financiera, pero sobre todo porque me encanta cómo piensa la mayoría de la gente en tecnología. En el fondo, soy un nerd. Me encantan los cómics, las películas de superhéroes, las ecuaciones matemáticas, las teorías científicas, el pensamiento fuera de la caja, las teorías de conspiración y los videojuegos.

Por lo tanto, siempre me mezclé bien con las personas que eligen Tech como su trabajo porque piensan como yo y cómo me criaron. Siempre estoy aprendiendo y no estoy orgulloso de cómo manejé cada aspecto de cómo traté con él. Pero, mi mayor conclusión de esto es que no había electricidad. Anteriormente había salido con hombres con los que tenía mucha conexión y ningún futuro. Entonces, quería probar algo diferente. Esta situación me recordó que el amor no es lógico y no podemos verlo desde un punto de vista práctico. El corazón y la cabeza están en dos puntos diferentes del cuerpo. Aunque están separados, se necesitan mutuamente. Trabajan juntos en el cuerpo y también deberían trabajar juntos en el amor.

3. Una foto y un perfil no pueden decirte cómo te sentirás. Solo la intuición puede.

Después de este encuentro de aprendizaje y después de mudarme a Los Ángeles, volví a cargar esa aplicación, solo por diversión y comencé a chatear con un profesional europeo de la aptitud de más edad. Mi intuición me dijo que no le diera su número. Pero, por desgracia, lo hice porque pensé, ¿qué es lo peor que podría pasar? Siempre puedo bloquearlo. Ahora puedo reírme de los siguientes eventos, pero en ese momento estaba asustado. Después de darle mi número, me envió un video cada 10-15 minutos de su entrenamiento. Una noche, estaba en West Hollywood con mi amigo bailando y cantando. Cuando levanté mi teléfono después de algunas horas, recibí algunas llamadas perdidas de él y más de dos docenas de videos.

Entonces supe que mi intuición inicial era correcta sobre él, así que lo bloqueé y pensé que esa historia había terminado. Sin embargo, me tropezaría con él después de la clase de yoga o ciclismo y estaba enojado porque parecía estar siguiéndome. Lo enfrenté y él terminó dejándome solo. Pero, aprendí (y todavía estoy aprendiendo) que mi voz intuitiva es un regalo y que depende de mí escucharla por mi seguridad, cordura y bienestar general. Regístrese para nuestros cursos de alineación aquí

3 Things that I wish I’d known before I online-dated.

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I was never really into online dating but I had gone through an on-and-off again relationship with someone and felt depleted. I felt like having someone new in my life would add a lot of what I was missing, adventurous and fresh energy. 

Although I had formerly attempted a popular dating website which ended with some random guy insisting to go out with me despite me declining, I decided to give it another go. I had heard great things about a dating app where the women reached out first. 

I thought that this would be different. So, I gave it a shot. I loaded the app and began to reach out to men who I was matched with. 

As always, I don’t regret anything because living is how we learn. But, these are 3 things I wish I had known before I had my first online dating experience: 

1. Don’t force anything. 

The first and only person I dated through this dating app, was a fairly decent guy. However, the difference between him and most (if not all) guys that I have dated, we had no friends or acquaintances in common. I am used to dating someone who shares friends so that I trust them more and we have more in common. 

On paper, he seemed like a good match. However, I got the sense that he was hiding something. I kept waiting for him to drop a truth bomb on me and I would suddenly discover that he was not for me. So that I could blame him for being the reason why it wasn’t meant to be. When I noticed my thought process of doing this, I came to realize that I didn’t have that have excitement for him and was forcing it because I was concerned about not being alone. 

After I ended it, I decided to date myself and took myself on amazing dates and focused my energy on becoming the love that I was asking someone else to give me. 

2. Just because someone is a good match on paper; doesn’t make them a good match for life. 

When the guy that I had online-dated told me that he went to the same school as my dad, I was overjoyed. I have always wanted to date someone who is in tech. Partially because of financial stability but mostly because I love how most people in Tech think. At heart, I am a nerd. I love comic books, superhero movies, mathematic equations, scientific theories, thinking outside of the box, conspiracy theories and playing video games. 

So, I have always meshed well with people who choose Tech as their jobs because they think like me and how I was raised. I am always learning and I am not proud of how I handled every aspect of how I dealt with him. But, my biggest takeaway from this is that there was no electricity. 

I had previously dated men that I had a lot of connection with and no future. So, I wanted to try something different. This situation reminded me that love is not logical and we can’t look at it from a practical point of view. The heart and head are at two different points of the body. Although they are separate, they need each other. They work together in the body and they should also work together in love. 

3. A picture and profile can’t tell you how you will feel. Only intuition can. 

After this learnéd encounter and after moving to Los Angeles, I re-loaded that app, just for fun and began chatting with an older European fitness professional. My intuition told me not to give him his number. But alas, I did because I thought, what’s the worst that could happen? I can always block him. 

I can laugh about the following events now but at the time I was low-key scared. After I gave him my number, he sent me a video every 10-15 minutes of him working out. One night, I was in West Hollywood with my friend dancing and singing. When I picked up my phone after a few hours, I had a few missed calls from him and over two dozen videos. I knew then that my initial intuition was right about him so I blocked him and thought that that story was over. However, I would ‘bump‘ into him after yoga or cycling class and was angered that he appeared to be following me. 

I confronted him and he ended up leaving me alone. But, I learnt (and am still learning) that my intuitive voice is a gift and it is up to me to listen to it for my safety, sanity and overall well-being. 

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Querido Dios

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Querido Dios,

Ha sido una experiencia desafiante pero reveladora. Sé que esta vez se ha reservado para que reflexione sobre lo que he permitido en mi vida y si vendrá conmigo o no.

Me he centrado tanto en el amor externo que (recientemente) he olvidado que soy amor. Por favor, ¿me ayudas a elevar mi vibración al recordar eso? Rezo por la guía del Arcángel Rafael, el ángel del amor, para poder encarnar el amor.

He sido herido, sí! Y, poner en situaciones en las que preferiría no estar. Pero, todo fue para un propósito. Rezo por la curación y el perdón. Estoy agradecido por donde estoy.